Empathy -- the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and feel what they are feeling. Humans are naturally empathetic to some degree. Our hearts are touched and we, too, may cry when others tear up and are grieving. We smile when others are laughing hysterically. But young humans need help learning how to understand the vast array of emotions that others are going through. Fortunately, empathy can be taught. Learning how to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes is best learned when someone does that for us. Rachel Stafford from HandsFreeMama.com relays this message in her weekly blog:
"Swim team practice has not been going well since my 11-year-old daughter had extensive oral surgery about a month a go. She tries to swim, but the pressure she feels beneath the water's surface is uncomfortable. I was very patient about this issue for several weeks and even had her examined by the orthodontist to make sure everything was okay. The doctor found no reason she couldn't swim as normal, so we returned.
That day, I planned to run errands while Avery practiced. She asked me to wait for a few minutes, so I did. The next thing I knew, she was holding onto the side of the pool with the look of distress on her face. The first thoughts that came to my head were unkind. Things like:
It's all in her head.
How long is this going to go on?
She just wants to go home and play Xbox with her friend.
As I walked to the side of the pool I asked for a new way to see and hear this situation that was getting quite tiresome. As the pool water splashed my feet, three powerful words came to mind. I'd said them to my husband while white-water rafting with my family. As we navigated our first set of raging rapids, I was scared my youngest daughter was going to fall out. I began calling out orders, sharp and gruff.
"Don't be mad," my husband had said. "I'm not angry, I'm scared," I said holding back tears. That's when three significant words came from my mouth: "That's fear talking."
I am learning this about myself - when I am scared and anxious, I get controlling and mean. I am working on a different response, but in the meantime, I am learning to interpret my unpleasantness for my family so they know I am struggling and need time, space, and understanding.
With those thoughts fresh on my mind, I bent down to talk to my tearful daughter who was now holding her hand to her forehead. "I can't breathe," she cried. "I can't do this." This time I did not hear annoyance or an excuse to try to get out of practice. I heard something familiar. I heard fear talking.... and because of that, what came out of my mouth was surprisingly supportive and empathetic.
"It feels different than it used to, doesn't it? Things are still healing so it feels different, and different can be scarey. Thank you for trying." She nodded like what I was saying was true.
About that time, her coach came over and asked if she was okay. When we told her the situation, she suggested Avery grab her kickboard and fins and practice with her head above water. I was so grateful to her coach for providing an alternative so she could continue practicing in a more comfortable way. Avery did as she was told but asked me not to leave. So there I sat, watching her glide back and forth, amazed at the amount of bubbles my strong girl could make with her feet.
As I slowly let go of the things I'd planned to do, I could see clearly.
And what I saw was a girl who's been through a pretty traumatic event and is doing her very best to adjust to a new mouth and nasal cavity. It was different than what I've seen over the past month. And that is because I was listening beyong the words to hear her heart.
When we realize fear is talking.... Anxiety is talking....Despair is talking.... Hopelessness is talking....We realize this is not about us. And that allows us to respond to the hurting person in ways we couldn't before.
Our empathetic response has the power to create one small act of bravery and one glimmer of hope. From there, anything is possible."
Lean into your child this week and feel what they are feeling underneath their awkward, sometimes irritating behaviors. If you can feel what they are feeling and speak to that emotion, they will feel heard and understood. They will be able to turn things around. And hopefully, they will soon begin to respond in that same empathetic way to someone else.
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