Connecting before Correcting was the tip of the iceberg for local parents

     Jessica Dancingheart, a relationship coach, led Nederland area parents through an interactive process last Wednesday evening to learn how to connect with empathy to our children.  “I loved how quickly parents vulnerably opened up to one another around your yearnings, your struggles, and your shared wisdom,” Dancingheart reflected. 

     Much of Jessica’s work is based on our current understanding of brain development.  Research has shown that children’s reasoning abilities don’t fully develop until around age 25.  And yet, we often talk to our children as if they are thinking and processing the same way adults do. 

     At the same time, all humans struggle to reason when their emotions are high.  When our emotion center (Amygdala) and Limbic system are inflamed, neither adults nor children are able to problem solve together.  According to Dancingheart, when our children misbehave, we often go directly into verbally rationalizing what they should have done differently…. or doling out consequences.  Before engaging in this type of power struggle or tense moment with our child, adults were encouraged to first (1) REGULATE their own emotions and identify and care for their own needs in the situation. 

     Having a strong network of friends and support is vital in keeping parents grounded rather than over-reacting to children’s behavior.  A handout of “feeling words” helped parents consider the myriad of emotions that we experience.  By first working to orient ourselves to the present moment and lower the intensity of our own emotions – by breathing deeply to slow ourselves down and noticing what we see, smell, hear, and touch in the present space – we can lower the anxiety and frustration triggered by misbehaving children.  Due to the function of mirror neurons in our brains, if adults can regulate their emotions, our dysregulated children pick up on the calmer energy in the environment and will begin to mirror this energy, or regulate themselves. 

     Once the emotional state of family members is more regulated, parents were encouraged to then (2) RELATE to their children by trying to identify the underlying basic human needs their child is trying to fulfill.  Emotions and needs are the reason for all human behavior.  Dancingheart presented Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in a handout (available in the front office of NES).  Maslow’s general theory is that the basic human needs for rest, food, safety need to be satisfied before other “higher order” needs are satisfied.  When children are “hangry”, there is no reasoning with them until their need for nourishment or rest is met.  Children often demand that things turn out a certain way.  The key is to not get locked into antagonistic duels with family members over specific demands or “wants”.  This can be accomplished by exploring the general human needs underlying everyone’s specific demands, and then finding ways to meet the needs of everyone.  After adults are in a regulated state, if we stop to name our needs and guess the needs of our child, we can create an empathetic connection with them.  Ask them and yourself:  “Are you feeling _____ because you are needing ________? 

     Parents will likely find that their children will self-correct and problem-solve (3) REASON after parents have self-regulated and related to them.   If we want our children to fully develop both their logic and social emotional skills, the key is spending more time really listening, talking, and empathizing with them.  One of the most widely recommended books on this subject is How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.  Marshall Rosenberg’s work about Nonviolent Communication (Raising Children Compassionately) is another great tool for developing empathetic listening skills. 

     The following resources are also available for parents who want to continue to build healthy relationships with their children:

Contact Jessica Dancingheart, relationship consultant, at openingtopossibilities@gmail.com   or 303-589-8420.  Her full day workshop entitled Parenting from the Heart will be held in Boulder County on November18th.

Local resident, Bonnie Sundance, invites any interested parents to continue practicing strong communication skills by joining the Compassionate Communication group that meets every other week in town.  Contact oursacredearth@outlook.com  if interested in finding support from community elders on your parenting journey. 

     A special shout out to TEENS, Inc, the Colorado Office of Behavioral Health, Nederland Elementary School and NMSHS for sponsoring this event in our mountain community.  

Growing the Whole Child

Raise a Smart Kid Who Loves to Learn from AhaParenting.com

Most people believe that intelligence is static; either you're smart or you're not. But it turns out that intelligence is like a muscle: it can be developed with use. Stanford researcher Carol Dweck explains that students who believe they can "get smarter" by challenging themselves are more effective learners. Students who hold the more conventional view -- that they're either smart or not, which is known as a "fixed" view of intelligence -- worry that they might look dumb if they make a mistake, so they shrink from learning anything new.

  So our goal as parents is to raise kids who believe in their ability to build mental muscle. 

Although intelligence is often equated with scores on IQ tests, most scholars now believe that IQ tests assess only part of a person’s intelligence. Traditional IQ tests basically measure the child's retention of verbal and mathematical knowledge. Unfortunately, this limited dimension is then equated with the child's intellectual potential.

Experts also question the obsession in our culture with pushing children to read or achieve academically before kindergarten age. Toddlers and preschoolers have other, more critical work to do, from building with blocks, to playing with rhythm and color, to learning how to get along with their peers. Research shows that these activities provide the foundation for later learning, from math skills to reading.

As Albert Einstein said, "Play is the highest form of research." 

Even imaginative play, which builds self-discipline and social skills, makes a fundamental contribution to later academic success. Verbal and Logical Intelligence actually begin with talking and wondering, when kids participate in thousands of everyday conversations about life. There's also a great deal of research pointing to "emotional intelligence" as a critical component of school success. If you can't manage your impulses and use your executive function to focus, it doesn't matter what your cognitive potential is. Creative and imaginative play--both alone and with other people--develops these skills.

Dr. Howard Gardner describes different kinds of intelligence that are important in human functioning, all of which kids need an opportunity to develop: 
• Verbal Intelligence
• Bodily / Kinesthetic Intelligence
• Logical/Mathematical Intelligence
• Musical Intelligence
• Interpersonal Intelligence
• Intrapersonal Intelligence
• Visual / Spatial Intelligence
• Nature Intelligence
• Existential Intelligence

As long as your child has the opportunity to play and structure her own time--instead of spending all her time on academic pursuits and screens--she will naturally explore most of these areas. Our job as parents? Encourage our kids’ natural curiosity and interests, from dancing to reading to drawing. And make sure our kids know that it’s intellectual lifting that builds brainpower. Discomfort while learning is to be expected. Learning new things is hard, but your child can do hard things.

Teaching Children the Power of Positive Thinking

Here is a mother's confession and self- reflection -- "My son’s extremely picky eating habits often drove me crazy.  My daughter’s intense roller coaster of emotions also strained my nerves.  I often thought of my children’s challenging behaviors as only negative, until one day our family doctor referred to our son as a “selective and cautious eater” instead of “picky”.  I was also reminded that my daughter’s strong willed personality would probably take her far in life when a friend recommended reading Raising your spirited child:  A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka.  Substituting the word “spirited” for other words I normally used to describe my daughter (like difficult, stubborn, impossible) changed how I thought of her developing personality.  I began re-framing current frustrations with new concepts. And it changed my world."

    If you have ever caught yourself defining your child in an entirely negative light, see if a change in language, and a focus on the positive aspects of their behavior, changes how you feel and how you interact with your child.  Note below how your child’s worst behaviors may denote underlying personal strengths, real needs and the natural expression of emotions if re-framed in a positive vein:

Bossy    turns into                              Good Director or Natural Leader

Clingy                                                               Affectionate

Conceited                                                         Confident

Crabby                                                             Communicates Needs

Dawdles                                                           Easy going or Mindful

Defiant                                                           Strong beliefs or Courageous

Demanding                                                       Assertive

Dramatic                                                          Expressive

Fearful                                                             Careful

Fussy                                                                Discerning Tastes and Needs

Goofy                                                                Entertaining

Impulsive                                                          Spontaneous

Lazy                                                                  Needs Encouragement

Loud                                                                  Exuberant

Manipulative                                                     Understands People

Messy                                                               Practicing Skills

Mouthy                                                             Expressive

Naughty                                                            Explores Boundaries

Nosey                                                               Curious or Inquisitive

Quiet                                                                Reflective

Sensitive                                                          Aware of Feelings

Shy                                                                   Inner Directed or Values Trust

Talkative                                                          Good Communicator

Talks Back                                                        Courageous or Honest

Tattletale                                                         Seeks Justice

Timid                                                                Careful

Wants Attention                                               Loves being with you

Whiney                                                              Needs assurance

     A shift in thinking can make a big difference in how we relate to others.  This week, NES students are studying how positive thinking can change their mood, and can also change what they say or do.   Students practiced “flipping” negative comments and thoughts by (1) looking at the situation from a positive perspective, (2) focusing on facts instead of opinions, and (3) describing people’s behavior instead of labeling the person.  Negative thinking -- characterized as full of blame for ourselves or others, assuming or predicting the worst, expecting perfection, and endless worrying -- was being re-framed in their tiny minds. Children’s heads filled with quietly spoken or invisible “Positive self Talk” as their Inner Critic was replaced by an encouraging Inner Coach.  Primary grades read Stand Tall Molly Lou Melon to hear an affirming Grandma's voice counter a bully's negative comments.

      This week, Jessica Dancingheart, presenter for “Connecting before Correcting” will encourage parents to look underneath misbehavior for the child’s needs and feelings.  Join us from 5:30 -7:30 pm on Oct. 4th at Nederland Elementary for an interactive, thought-provoking presentation about raising children with strong Social Emotional Intelligence.  

Learning to Connect before we Correct

     According to Dr. Kristen Race at Mindful Life, most parents have the notion that a consequence needs to be given immediately following a child’s misbehavior so that the child understands that what she’s done is unacceptable.  Do you find yourself threatening to take away screen time for months as soon as you catch your daughter hiding under the covers with her iPad?  If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.  But kids can’t learn from their mistakes when their brains aren’t ready, and we often give consequences when our own brain’s aren’t ready either.

MYTH: Kids need immediate consequences following misbehavior.

     Simply put, there are two main parts of our brain relevant to discipline.  The prefrontal cortex, located behind the forehead, is considered the wise part of our brain. It helps us pay attention, solve problems, make good decisions, and learn efficiently.  The limbic system, located deep within the center of the brain, is considered the alarm part of our brain. It’s responsible for the fight, flight or freeze response that happens when we’re under stress.

Self-Discipline is Processed in the Wise Part of the Brain

     Discipline means “to teach” appropriate behavior. The goal of discipline is to promote the development of self-discipline. Ultimately, what we want is for our children to develop control over their own behavior.  The prefrontal cortex is responsible for self-discipline, which is how your child regulates his body, emotions, and fear, and how he controls impulses, thinks in advance, empathizes, and communicates in attunement. It’s where his moral and ethical behaviors are born.  When your child makes a mistake or a bad choice, or when she is in a power struggle, the alarm part of her brain is active. And when the alarm part of her brain is active, the learning part of discipline cannot occur.

When the alarm part of her brain is active, your child cannot effectively learn how to self-discipline.

     If it seems as though you are disciplining the same behaviors over and over again, it may be because of the immediate consequences you give. A simple change to your approach could make a big difference in your child’s ability to learn how to regulate their behavior.

Create Space to Decompress

     Your child needs time to decrease activity in the alarm part of his brain before he’ll be able to learn from his behavior. That doesn’t mean you should ignore his bad behavior, but instead of engaging in a heated discussion (or worse), let him know that you understand he’s having a hard time, and that you’ll talk about it when you both calm down. When your child feels understood rather than attacked, he’ll be able to calm the alarm part of his brain and his prefrontal cortex will come back online.

Here are five ways your child can decompress to re-engage his prefrontal cortex so he’ll be ready to learn from his behavior:

1.    First, empathize. Let your child know that you’re on his side. Tell him that you can see that he is upset and you want to give him some time to cool off.

2.    Try a three-breath hug. Offer a hug, and take three deep breaths together while embracing. Even if your child is too upset to breathe with you, over time they will start to learn how to use their breath to calm themselves. (And it makes you feel calmer too.)

3.    Send your child outside to “shake it off.” Even ten minutes of physical activity can bring your child’s brain back into a balanced state.

4.    Give your child a creative activity to refocus her attention. Pull out a puzzle, some art supplies or a book for your child to busy herself with. The smart part of her brain will quickly come back into action.

5.    If your child is already familiar with taking deep breaths, now is a great time to encourage him to slow down for a few minutes and breathe deeply. This will help calm the overactivity of the alarm part of his brain.

THEN, discuss the issue or behavior when you can tell that your child is open and can learn from the discussion.

     The time your child spends shifting his brain activity from the limbic system to the prefrontal cortex is also the time for you to do the same. When you can both come back to the discussion using the smart parts of your brains, your child will be better able to learn self-discipline, and you’ll be better able to discipline appropriately.

Please join us this coming WEDS night (Oct 4^th) at Nederland Elementary School 

to learn more about this approach!   RSVP to ann@teensinc.org

Or, go to www.mindfullifetoday.com to learn about an online Mindful Parenting course!

Take some time when there are BIG Emotions

Take Time to Refocus when you are having a hard time.   

This is the message your children are learning at school: Sometimes, we need to slow ourselves down, utilize a helpful strategy to help us relax and reflect, and then think about how to solve the challenges in our life.  

Every classroom at NES now has a Refocus Center in it-- a place where kids can ask to go for a few minutes when they are worked up, when they’ve had a disagreement with someone, or when they can’t focus on their school work.  There is a quiet place with a soft floor pillow, a reflection manual, and some tools and strategies to select from.  See how one school has utilized this idea -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ar0GPsEYjqY

If you would like to create a similar place in your home when big emotions arise, consider where it could be and what you might have in it.  We are teaching children that there are healthy options for de-stressing, for feeling their sadness, for working through their frustration that can de-escalate the strong emotions.  Collect some of the following items and help children practice these strategies to see which ones work best for them.  Remind children of these strategies “in their toolbox” when they need them.  Talk openly about your favorite ideas for taking care of yourself after a difficult day.  When children notice how we care for ourselves, they can more easily develop self-care practices themselves.

Possible Calming Strategies to try with your children:

Deep breathing using a pinwheel                                                                   Notice something with all five of your senses

Deep breathing with a stuffed animal on your belly                                        Exercise or do wall push ups

Deep breathing while drawing on your fingers                                                Make a fist and then release it

Finger breathing                                                                                              Talk to yourself in a positive way

Take a mindful walk outside                                                                            Take a shower or warm bath

Yoga poses                                                                                                     Count to 100

Imagine your favorite place                                                                             Listen to music

Think of your favorite things                                                                            Tighten, then relax muscles from head to toe

Picture the people you care about                                                                  Rock and give yourself a hug

Coloring                                                                                                          Watch a glitter jar or liquid motion timer

Draw how you feel                                                                                          Read

Say the alphabet slowly                                                                                  Play with your pet or a stuffed animal

Remember the words to a song you love                                                       Do a random act of kindness

Run water over your hands                                                                            List all the things you are grateful for

Get a cool drink of water                                                                                Dance and giggle

Carry a worry stone or favorite object                                                            Create with play dough, clay, or putty

*Check off ones you do.  Circle ones you want to try.  Cross off ones that don’t work.

Helping your child adjust to school

      According to Dr. Laura Markham at ahaparenting.com, it is natural for kids to need a little extra help adjusting to the start of school. “Instead of the exuberance you expected, you may find many days -- especially Monday -- starting with tears, or maybe a tummy-ache. Your child isn't faking. Anxiety affects the body, and can result in an actual upset stomach, especially in children.” So here are some of Markham’s tips for addressing the anxiety and behavior that may appear on school days until your child feels more comfortable with going to school:

 1. Facilitate your child’s bonding with the teacher. Kids need to feel connected to an adult they think will keep them safe. So when they aren't with their parents, they need to transfer their attachment focus to their teacher, or they're too anxious to settle down and learn. If you notice that your child doesn’t feel good about school, contact the teacher immediately. Just explain that he doesn’t seem to have settled in yet, and you hope she can make a special effort to reach out to him so he feels at home.

2. Facilitate bonding with the other kids. Kids need to feel bonded with at least one other child. Ask the teacher if she’s noticed who your child is hanging with. Ask your child which kids she’d like to invite over to play. See if you can arrange a playdate. Before long, the kids will be probably be racing around the house like long lost buddies.

3. Create a parting ritual or token to hold onto during the day. For many kids, the biggest challenge is saying goodbye to you. Develop a parting ritual, such as a hug and a saying: “I love you, you love me, have a great day and I’ll pick you up at 3!” Most kids like a laminated picture of the family in their backpack. Many also like a token for their pocket, such as a paper heart with a love note, or a pebble you found on the beach together, that they can hold for reassurance if they feel alone.

4. Help your child laugh out his anxieties. Giggling is your child's way of venting anxiety, and any child who is having a tough school adjustment is feeling anxious -- fearful -- inside. Give him as many opportunities to giggle as possible. Spend some time every morning playing a chase game in your house or have a gentle pillow fight. And here are some games that specifically help kids with separation: http://www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/school-age/Help-kids-adjust-school

5. Focus your attention to stay connected. Start your child's day with a five minute snuggle in bed or on the couch, just bringing 100% of your attention to loving her. Make sure that every day after school when you're reunited, you have special time with each child to hear all about her day. Make sure to schedule in a long snuggle after lights-out to increase her sense of security.

6. Stay alert for signs about why your child is worried. Most of the time, kids do fine after a few weeks. But occasionally, their unhappiness indicates a more serious issue: he’s being bullied, or can’t see the blackboard, or doesn’t understand anything and is afraid to speak up. Ask calm questions about his day, listen deeply, and reflect what he tells you so he’ll keep talking. Start conversations by reading books about school together; your librarian can be helpful. Offer your own positive school stories (“I was so nervous the first week I couldn’t even use the bathroom at school but then I met my best friend Maria and I loved first grade”) and the assurance that he’ll feel right at home soon.

7. Make sure you’re a few minutes early to pick your child up. This is crucial. Not seeing you immediately will exacerbate any anxieties.

8. Create a calm household routine with early bedtimes. If you have to wake your kids in the morning, they aren’t getting enough sleep. Kids who aren’t well-rested don’t have the internal resources to cope with goodbyes, much less the rigors of the school day. Pre-schoolers require 10 -13 hours/night and elementary students require 9 -11 hours of sleep. And get yourself to bed early too, so you can deal calmly with the morning rush and get everyone off to a happy start.

For more ideas about connecting with your children and attending to their social emotional growth, pick up a copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham.

HOME-SCHOOL CONNECTIONS:   5 things to ASK YOUR CHILD…. 

    In the weekly BrainWise Social Emotional Learning lessons at NES, your children are discovering how to Manage their Emotions using different strategies.  Your child is also learning how to Empathize with and show Compassion for others.  And finally, they are learning the steps for Responsible Decision Making.    How can we partner together to raise incredible children?


      1. ASK YOUR CHILD to check in with the sensations in their body.  What is their body telling them?  Some possible answers:  Shaky.  Butterflies.  Tight muscles.  Hot.  Slouched shoulders.  Help your child name the emotion they are feeling by focusing on the energy bouncing around in their inner world.  Labeling sensations with words reduces the response of the amygdala and limbic system (Lizard Brain).  Naming emotions increases activity in the prefrontal cortex of the brain (Wizard Brain) and creates Self Awareness. 

       2.  ASK YOUR CHILD what strategies seem to work best for them when they are feeling             upset?  Learning and utilizing a variety of calming strategies teaches Self  Regulation.  Each classroom is setting up a “Refocus Center” this year where children can have a quiet place to practice the strategies that work for them.  They will find things there like --  fidget toys, art supplies, exercise options, aromatherapy, music selections, counting tools, journal supplies, books, relaxation exercises, visualization prompts, encouragement to hydrate or rest, ideas for positive self talk, etc.  Help your children practice their favorite ways to Calm Down at home.

     3.  ASK YOUR CHILD:   “If you are having a hard time at school one day, who is a grown-up       you can talk to?”   Help your child identify several trusted adults at school.  Practice what to say to a trusted adult to ask for help, if needed.  “I’m feeling ______ because this happened _______.”  This is what I could say to ask an adult for help:______________.   Strong mental health is achieved when we don’t feel ashamed to ask for assistance with the challenges in our lives.

     4. ASK YOUR CHILD to be a Mindful Feelings Detective.  When you read books together,           pause and think back to what caused a certain character to feel a certain way.  Practice being mindful about how others may be feeling.  See if your children can put themselves in someone else’s shoes and figure out their point of view.   This teaches Social Awareness and important Relationship Skills. 

     5.  ASK YOUR CHILD to think of possible solutions to problems.  Practice brainstorming            together-- even if some of the ideas are silly or unrealistic.  Guide your child in thinking about the consequences of these possibilities for each person involved.  Try out a solution and see how it works for everyone.  This teaches Responsible Decision-Making.*

          The Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning has identified these five highlighted competencies as crucial for success in life.  Most Social Emotional Learning curriculum (*like Second Step and Sanford Harmony) encourage parents to actively participate in the lessons that will provide their children strong people skills.  Together, our Home-School connection at Nederland Elementary can produce healthy, well-rounded adults.