Connecting before Correcting was the tip of the iceberg for local parents

     Jessica Dancingheart, a relationship coach, led Nederland area parents through an interactive process last Wednesday evening to learn how to connect with empathy to our children.  “I loved how quickly parents vulnerably opened up to one another around your yearnings, your struggles, and your shared wisdom,” Dancingheart reflected. 

     Much of Jessica’s work is based on our current understanding of brain development.  Research has shown that children’s reasoning abilities don’t fully develop until around age 25.  And yet, we often talk to our children as if they are thinking and processing the same way adults do. 

     At the same time, all humans struggle to reason when their emotions are high.  When our emotion center (Amygdala) and Limbic system are inflamed, neither adults nor children are able to problem solve together.  According to Dancingheart, when our children misbehave, we often go directly into verbally rationalizing what they should have done differently…. or doling out consequences.  Before engaging in this type of power struggle or tense moment with our child, adults were encouraged to first (1) REGULATE their own emotions and identify and care for their own needs in the situation. 

     Having a strong network of friends and support is vital in keeping parents grounded rather than over-reacting to children’s behavior.  A handout of “feeling words” helped parents consider the myriad of emotions that we experience.  By first working to orient ourselves to the present moment and lower the intensity of our own emotions – by breathing deeply to slow ourselves down and noticing what we see, smell, hear, and touch in the present space – we can lower the anxiety and frustration triggered by misbehaving children.  Due to the function of mirror neurons in our brains, if adults can regulate their emotions, our dysregulated children pick up on the calmer energy in the environment and will begin to mirror this energy, or regulate themselves. 

     Once the emotional state of family members is more regulated, parents were encouraged to then (2) RELATE to their children by trying to identify the underlying basic human needs their child is trying to fulfill.  Emotions and needs are the reason for all human behavior.  Dancingheart presented Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in a handout (available in the front office of NES).  Maslow’s general theory is that the basic human needs for rest, food, safety need to be satisfied before other “higher order” needs are satisfied.  When children are “hangry”, there is no reasoning with them until their need for nourishment or rest is met.  Children often demand that things turn out a certain way.  The key is to not get locked into antagonistic duels with family members over specific demands or “wants”.  This can be accomplished by exploring the general human needs underlying everyone’s specific demands, and then finding ways to meet the needs of everyone.  After adults are in a regulated state, if we stop to name our needs and guess the needs of our child, we can create an empathetic connection with them.  Ask them and yourself:  “Are you feeling _____ because you are needing ________? 

     Parents will likely find that their children will self-correct and problem-solve (3) REASON after parents have self-regulated and related to them.   If we want our children to fully develop both their logic and social emotional skills, the key is spending more time really listening, talking, and empathizing with them.  One of the most widely recommended books on this subject is How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.  Marshall Rosenberg’s work about Nonviolent Communication (Raising Children Compassionately) is another great tool for developing empathetic listening skills. 

     The following resources are also available for parents who want to continue to build healthy relationships with their children:

Contact Jessica Dancingheart, relationship consultant, at openingtopossibilities@gmail.com   or 303-589-8420.  Her full day workshop entitled Parenting from the Heart will be held in Boulder County on November18th.

Local resident, Bonnie Sundance, invites any interested parents to continue practicing strong communication skills by joining the Compassionate Communication group that meets every other week in town.  Contact oursacredearth@outlook.com  if interested in finding support from community elders on your parenting journey. 

     A special shout out to TEENS, Inc, the Colorado Office of Behavioral Health, Nederland Elementary School and NMSHS for sponsoring this event in our mountain community.