Here is a mother's confession and self- reflection -- "My son’s extremely picky eating habits often drove me crazy. My daughter’s intense roller coaster of emotions also strained my nerves. I often thought of my children’s challenging behaviors as only negative, until one day our family doctor referred to our son as a “selective and cautious eater” instead of “picky”. I was also reminded that my daughter’s strong willed personality would probably take her far in life when a friend recommended reading Raising your spirited child: A guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka. Substituting the word “spirited” for other words I normally used to describe my daughter (like difficult, stubborn, impossible) changed how I thought of her developing personality. I began re-framing current frustrations with new concepts. And it changed my world."
If you have ever caught yourself defining your child in an entirely negative light, see if a change in language, and a focus on the positive aspects of their behavior, changes how you feel and how you interact with your child. Note below how your child’s worst behaviors may denote underlying personal strengths, real needs and the natural expression of emotions if re-framed in a positive vein:
Bossy turns into Good Director or Natural Leader
Clingy Affectionate
Conceited Confident
Crabby Communicates Needs
Dawdles Easy going or Mindful
Defiant Strong beliefs or Courageous
Demanding Assertive
Dramatic Expressive
Fearful Careful
Fussy Discerning Tastes and Needs
Goofy Entertaining
Impulsive Spontaneous
Lazy Needs Encouragement
Loud Exuberant
Manipulative Understands People
Messy Practicing Skills
Mouthy Expressive
Naughty Explores Boundaries
Nosey Curious or Inquisitive
Quiet Reflective
Sensitive Aware of Feelings
Shy Inner Directed or Values Trust
Talkative Good Communicator
Talks Back Courageous or Honest
Tattletale Seeks Justice
Timid Careful
Wants Attention Loves being with you
Whiney Needs assurance
A shift in thinking can make a big difference in how we relate to others. This week, NES students are studying how positive thinking can change their mood, and can also change what they say or do. Students practiced “flipping” negative comments and thoughts by (1) looking at the situation from a positive perspective, (2) focusing on facts instead of opinions, and (3) describing people’s behavior instead of labeling the person. Negative thinking -- characterized as full of blame for ourselves or others, assuming or predicting the worst, expecting perfection, and endless worrying -- was being re-framed in their tiny minds. Children’s heads filled with quietly spoken or invisible “Positive self Talk” as their Inner Critic was replaced by an encouraging Inner Coach. Primary grades read Stand Tall Molly Lou Melon to hear an affirming Grandma's voice counter a bully's negative comments.
This week, Jessica Dancingheart, presenter for “Connecting before Correcting” will encourage parents to look underneath misbehavior for the child’s needs and feelings. Join us from 5:30 -7:30 pm on Oct. 4th at Nederland Elementary for an interactive, thought-provoking presentation about raising children with strong Social Emotional Intelligence.
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