Helping Children separate the People from the Problem and the Facts from Opinions

          "People fail to get along because they fear each other;

          they fear each other because they don't know each other;

          they don't know each other because they have not 

     communicated with each other."

          Martin Luther King, Jr.  

     Last week, we began learning how important it is to speak assertively; to share our ideas and feelings.  We are practicing how to Speak Up and Speak Kindly by utilizing I-messages rather than judging or attacking someone else.  Taking responsibility for our own feelings will help us improve our communication skills when we feel upset or angry.   Our reactionary Lizard Brain wants to spit out personal attacks.  But our wise Wizard Brain helps us critique the problematic behavior instead. 

     To reinforce this effective use of communication at home, you may want to:

*Ask your child what kind of voice & body language they use when they speak up.

*Ask your child what kind of words they use to speak up. 

*Help your child re-frame aggressive You-messages into assertive I-messages.  For instance, when your daughter yells at her sibling “Well, you’re stupid, too!" you might coach her, instead, to say “ I don’t like it when you call me names.  That hurts my feelings.”

*Tell your child when you notice him/her using a strong, respectful voice and kind words to speak up.  

     We are also learning how important it is to separate Opinions from Facts.  Children tend to think if they believe something, it must be true.  Just like adults, if they act on opinions and assumptions, without researching the evidence or without asking questions and listening to folks on the other side, they often cause more problems for themselves and others.  

     Learning how to separate Opinions from Facts seems particularly challenging because disagreeing over facts seems to be a national past time right now.  Sara Gorman and Jack Gorman, authors of Denying to the Grave:  Why We Ignore the Facts that will Save Us, argue that it is our psychology that drives us to reject scientific facts and statistics for our own opinions and interpretation.  Humans are distinctly uncomfortable with events or phenomena without clear causes, and when we don’t know something, we tend to fill in the gaps ourselves.  We also respond more to stories than to statistics.  So spin a good story for your children to teach the values you believe in, but also keep asking them to think about whether something is a fact or an opinion before they repeat it or react to it.   

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor, NES 

and Parenting Matters Coordinator, TEENS, Inc.

Communicating with Children

     Have you ever heard of I-messages?  You know, those carefully thought out statements that share how you are feeling and objectively describe what caused you to feel that way?   Well, they are harder to craft than you think, especially if you are seven years old and very upset.  They require slowing yourself way down.

     We know that when something upsets us, a primal emotional reaction is triggered deep without our Amygdala, or Lizard Brain.  Our wellbeing feels threatened and we want to automatically react by blaming and judging others, often exaggerating the threat, and beginning our verbal attack on the other person with the word “You.”  But when we let our Lizard Brain do all the talking, the situation often escalates and relationships deteriorate.

     The trick is to both practice strategies for lowering our emotional reaction and  taking the time to re-frame what is going on inside us before we share it with the world.  I-messages are formulated in our Pre-frontal Cortex, or Wizard Brain.  We often get so much farther when we use them instead of You-messages.  They help us share how we are feeling & what behavior or decision caused this response in us.  Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication offers this familiar format to use:  

I feel ____when I observe_____because I need/want________. 

     Students at NES have been using their Wizard Brains to practice creating I-messages.  They are asserting themselves with less likelihood of triggering a Lizard Brain reaction from the recipient of their message.  The hope is for them to use both verbal and nonverbal messages to call out a Wizard response in others and work together to solve the problem at hand.  Being assertive and empathetic takes practice.  Parents can be amazing coaches in this regard by helping children re-frame You-messages into I-messages. 

     Tina Payne Bryson, author of The Whole-Brain Child, encourages parents to also consider their nonverbal communication when disciplining a child.  If a parent towers over a child while pointing a finger as they reprimand, the child’s emotional Lizard Brain is triggered into a fight or flight mode.  Bryson claims if parents lower themselves to the eye level of the child, they are more likely to send both a comforting and firm message about the change that is needed.  This allows for a less defensive response from the child.  Try sitting down next to your child, breathing through your emotional reaction, and formulating I-messages to get a change in their behavior.  For instance, “I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you aren’t ready to leave yet…..Please put on your shoes now.”    For more ideas about how to lean into your child’s emotional state before redirecting, watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUZHgRupqIA&t=189s  

           

  Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor NES and Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc.   

Positive Parenting Resolutions!

  It’s a new year!  It’s a new me!

  Gonna be the best that I can be!

     Students at NES began the semester by singing about their New Year’s resolution to “THINK POSITIVELY” in Ms. Jones’ class.  BrainWise lessons got students thinking about how to communicate and act if we are following the nonviolent model and dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  Each new year reminds us to self reflect and give some thought to changing ourselves, improving our relationships, and our world.  

     Here is an encouraging article from Aha Parenting.com for those of us who would love to set some parenting resolutions that help our children develop strong social emotional skills. 

Easy Ways To Improve Your Parenting... No Resolutions Necessary (by Dr. Laura Markham).

Tired of resolutions? Here are 10 Easy Ways To Improve Your Parenting, No Resolutions Necessary. Put these on your fridge and read them daily. I guarantee you less drama and more love.
 

1. Empathize more. Children don't always need to get their way, but they do need to feel understood. Isn't that what we all need? Whatever your child says or does, she has a reason. Even while setting limits, try acknowledging that reason. Instead of "Stop pushing him!" try "You want your brother to move so you can reach the truck. Say 'Move Please.'"
 

2. Tell them what they CAN do, instead of what they can't. Instead of "Stop playing with the ball in the house!" try "Balls are for outside. Inside, you can throw the stuffed animals into the bathtub."
 

3. Get them laughing every day. Laughter changes the body chemistry, decreasing stress hormones so kids are more cooperative and sleep better. It also increases bonding hormones, so when you laugh with someone, you strengthen your relationship.
 

4. Say Yes more often. We're parents, so we have to set limits and say No, over and over all day long. So when you can say yes, say it. Even when you have to say no, can you say it with "Yes" energy? "YES, it's time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!"
 

5. Spend "special time" every day with each child. If you want to strengthen and sweeten your relationship with your child, here's your prescription. Just show up and pour your love into your child without controlling him. Parents often tell me that their children react to getting this one-on-one time "like they were missing an essential vitamin." They were. Every child needs this tangible expression of your love.
 

6. Use your pause button to yell less. Be the role model.  How will they learn to regulate their emotions if we don't regulate ours?
 

7. Turn your screen off when you're with your child.  Many children say their parents' phone is the most important thing in the parent's life. They'll remember for the rest of your life that you turned your phone off when you were with them.
 

8. Go outside and move with your kids.  Research confirms what your grandmother said. Children really do need daily fresh air, greenery and movement to de-stress and be their best selves.
 

9. Allow emotions, limit behavior.  Of course you need to set limits. But when we allow emotions, children learn to manage them faster. Just say "You must be so upset to use that tone of voice. Tell me about it, Sweetie. We can figure this out together." Your child will start calming down before your eyes.
 

10. Put yourself back on the list. You can only be emotionally generous if you take care of you. I know, that's tough, but it isn't sustainable to leave yourself off the list. Start by getting enough sleep and talking to yourself like someone you love. Monitor your well-being as you go through your day. Every day, do something that increases your level of joy. You'll see your good mood rub off on your child.
                              Happy New Year! I hope 2017 is your family's best year yet.

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor and Parenting Matters Coordinator ann@teensinc.org    720-561-4861

Raising Children with Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is learned.  Students at Nederland Elementary School are practicing being mindful of the messages their bodies send out when they are experiencing a strong emotion.  These indicators are sent out by the Amygdala (or Lizard Brain) to let them know they are having an emotional response to a situation.  We are learning to be aware when we feel our bodies talking to us in some of the following ways -- a rapid heartbeat, tense or shaky muscles, or an upset digestive system.

Try asking your child to practice identifying his or her emotions in various situations and use their Wizard Brain/Prefrontal Cortex to pay attention to the “Red Flag warnings” their bodies are sending them.  Mindfully reading their body is the first skill to learn, articulating that emotion in a thoughtful way is the next step, and knowing & practicing strategies to help regulate emotional intensity are the indicators of Emotional Intelligence.  Getting our own emotional house in order aids us when interacting with others.  

Children need the adults in their lives to teach what this complete awareness looks like.  For instance, adults can role model emotional intelligence by saying things like:  “My shoulders and jaw feel really tight tonight (physical sensation).  I must be feeling stressed and uptight (identify emotion).  I’m gonna put on some good music, have a cup of hot tea and snuggle up next to the fire with you (emotional regulation strategy).  That should help me relax.”   The more we adults show that we are aware of our emotional state and are actively caring for ourselves, the easier it is for children to learn to do the same in a healthy manner. 

In addition, we can help children develop an awareness of what various emotions look like on the faces of others and what nonverbal cues often indicate these emotional states.  To have strong social skills, humans need to learn to read faces and body language just like they learn to read books.   We can read to our children before we tuck them into bed, but we can also daily point out the emotions illuminated on the people around us, how to effectively communicate our feelings without disrespecting others, and how to actively attend to everyone’s well being. 

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor/Parenting Matters Coordinator   

Making the Most of Family Togetherness over Winter Break.

          The younger kids (K-1) have been learning to identify their emotions by listening to the messages their bodies are  sending them and observing the facial expressions of others.  Developing self-awareness is crucial before we can put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and respond compassionately to them.  Ask your child where in their body they feel an emotion when they are frustrated, disappointed, excited, or scared.   A converted game of Candy Land taught students skills of emotional self-regulation while practicing wise Wizard brain responses this week.  Please contact me at an@teensinc.org if you would like a copy to play over the winter break. 

     The older students in 2^nd -5^th grade have been developing collective “Acts of Kindness.  Ms. Ness’ class is doing chores for family members, or perhaps serving them breakfast in bed.  Ms. Lee’s class is performing jokes for the preschoolers.  Ms. Albright’s class is showing gratitude to their teachers and celebrating with a party.  Ms. Vosteen’s class decorated the school with positive and inspirational messages.  Ms. Beauvineau’s class is expressing gratitude to kitchen staff/office workers/custodians/ and community members.  Ms. Theodorakos’ class is serving as reading buddies for the first grade.  Ms. Forrest’s class is decorating the cafeteria into a winter wonderland.   The excitement of creating and planning an activity that benefits others filled the school.  Helping children learn the joy of giving is a powerful lesson in empathy.  Kindness is infectious.  Compassion is contagious.  See if your children can continue to find ways to “give of themselves” over the break. 

     As we enter winter break, kids (and adults) may suddenly be left with either tons of unstructured time or overstimulating environments.  Many children begin to melt down and act out.  Here are some suggestions that may ease your family through the festivities and long days:

1.        Encourage your children to breathe slowly and deeply when they are feeling overwhelmed.  Take 5 minutes to practice pushing the RESET button before plowing ahead into the next activity.  Breathe with them – you’ll love how it calms yourself down too.

2.       Help children check in with their bodies to see if they are tired or hungry.  Late night festivities and lots of sweets can leave children grouchy.  Try to keep a regular routine for healthy eating and sleeping so their bodies and emotions aren’t taxed to the limit.

3.       Take time to lay on the floor and do a whole body relaxation exercise with your children.  Tighten each muscle from toe to head for 7 seconds and then release while breathing out.  Then tighten your entire body and release it by shaking your arms and legs as you walk around.   It is amazing how much tension we all carry around with us that can be lessened with intentional practices. 

4.       Set time limits for using technology.  Don’t let technology babysit your child for more than an hour or two per day.  Endless screen time creates crabby children.   Being “bored” forces children to come up with creative and imaginative activities.  Provide suggestions and materials to stimulate their creative side.

5.       Find ways to nurture yourself.  Exercise.  Plan a date night.  Connect with other families.  Laugh and share while you ignore the piles of laundry, layers of dust, and accumulating emails. 

6.       Schedule some down time each day to read, listen to music, color a mandala, do a family puzzle together.   Too much interaction can be overstimulating.   We all need time to refuel and refill our cups. 

 Our nervous systems sometimes need to be slowed down.  Other times they need ramped up for us to feel in balance.  Be aware of the amount of stimulation and relaxation that are woven throughout each day.  Take steps to move and awaken your bodies, or to relax them, as you journey through the winter break together.   

Enjoy!   We can’t wait to see you and your children again in the New Year!

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor and Parenting Matters Coordinator

720-561-4861     ann@teensinc.org

Does Winter Break leave you exhausted, stressed out, and broke!?

     Winter Break is filled with high expectations, increased family time, and temperatures that often give us cabin fever.  How can we head into the break or the holiday season purposely choosing to enjoy it more; to be present and relaxed with our family instead of busy and tense?   Here are a few suggestions that might help families celebrate their increased togetherness (even on a shoe string budget):

1.        Rethink that crazy To-Do List:    Take a deep breath and just do one thing at a time.  Put your entire attention on that task until it is finished, then switch.  Enjoy each activity fully while you are doing it.  Being mindfully attuned to one task increases performance and reduces your stress level, says Kristin Race from Mindful Life.  Then give yourself permission to say “no” to activities that don’t really fill your cup.  If you are less stressed, your children will also be less likely to fight and argue.  It’s all about Doing less and Being more.

2.       Change up your Traditions:  Our brains are hardwired to seek out novelty.  New experiences give us a joyful dopamine hit, so if your holiday traditions are stale, change them up, say the folks at Mindful Life.  Dare your children to wear their matching holiday pajamas from grandma to a busy coffee shop for spiced apple cider.  Make awkward family photos for next year’s card.  Create a scavenger hunt for your children’s gift (even if it is a pair of socks!).  They will remember the hunt long after the present is forgotten.  Be silly and spontaneous. 

3.       Random Acts of Kindness:  Performing acts of kindness is the secret sauce of holiday stress reduction.  Kindness decreases depression, reduces anxiety, boosts oxytocin, makes us feel more connected, and even lowers blood pressure.  So buy presents for a family in need, shovel off a neighbor’s sidewalk, feed the parking meter of a shopping stranger, or let someone go in front of you in line at the shipping store.  Find acts you can do all around your neighborhood or community.  Generate ideas with your kids and get them involved in the acts.

4.       Simply Enjoy the Magic of Winter:  Going back to simple pleasures makes each day of the winter break special and fun.   Make a list of one fun thing you will do each day as a family--Make a fort in the living room out of every pillow and blanket in the house.  String popcorn while playing upbeat music and then hang it outside for the squirrels.  Collect fresh snow in a bowl and drizzle with maple syrup for a treat.  Smear peanut butter on a large pinecone, then sprinkle with bird seed and hang in the trees.    Play flashlight hide and seek in the evening.  Go sledding with your kids and make snow angels.  Decide to have a “no tech Tuesday” or an “Electricity went out Wednesday” and pull out the board games, candles, and family stories to share.  Check out some audio books from the library and listen to them while sipping hot cocoa by the woodstove.  See what free children’s activities are being offered at the local library.  Make homemade playdough and create shapes while it is still warm (Heat 1 cup water, 1 Tbsp. oil, ½ cup salt, 1 Tbsp. cream of tartar & food coloring in saucepan until warm.  Remove from heat and stir in 1 cup flour.  Knead until smooth.)  Roll up a brown paper bag so it sets on your head and decorate with colorful paper and shapes for a New Year’s hat.  Spend hours cutting up paper for confetti to throw at noon instead of midnight on Dec 31^st.  Crank up the tunes and dance together.   Have the kids create a play and costumes with some of your clothing.   Take a night hike and look for stars.  Ignore the rush to consumerism.  Buy less.  Be more.

5.       Gifting with more Meaning:   Encourage your children to include a statement of appreciation for the recipient of each gift they give.  Have fun cutting open brown paper bags and walking across them with painted feet or hands to use as wrapping paper.  Relatives appreciate seeing the homemade paper of loved ones far away.

Your playful and relaxed presence is the best gift you can give your children.

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor and Parenting Matters Coordinator at NES

720-561-4861   ann@teensinc.org

Teaching Children to be Kind, Grateful, and see the Good

          Our brain is 3 to 5 times more sensitive to negative information than to positive.  This is a survival mechanism that helped humans to survive (i.e. it was more important to be aware of poisonous snakes than to stop and smell the beautiful flowers.)  Today, we may not have the same threats to our survival yet our brain is still built to pay more attention to negative input and to lock itself in a survival mode.  When we are locked in chronic survival mode, it is harder to learn, harder to get along with others, and harder to be creative and thoughtful when we solve problems.

     When we intentionally pay attention to the positive things in our life, we strengthen the neural pathways associated with those positive memories.  The more frequently the pathways are used, the more our brain likes to use those pathways, increasing positive thoughts and lessening our focus on negative experiences.    When we intentionally do Acts of Kindness for others, the “feel good” chemicals in our brain (serotonin and dopamine) increase. 

     Mindfulness is being acutely aware of yourself, your feelings and body, your surroundings, and others.  Each morning, NES students begin the day practicing mindful breathing.  This helps us focus on the present rather than any negative memories from the past or worries about the future.  Deep breathing is used again throughout the day to help balance the nervous system.   Students have spent the last month doing community service projects, being grateful, doing acts of kindness and affirming one another during BrainWise social emotional lessons.    Classes are discussing and demonstrating the many ways we can show caring toward others, and how doing and saying kind things can make both us and others feel good. 

     To grow positive neural pathways in our children, and to build empathy and compassion for others, here are a few ideas you may want to reinforce at home:

1.       Ask your child how they helped a classmate “have a good day” with an Act of Kindness?  “Feel good” chemicals in the brain are released when we do kind things for others, when we notice kind things are done for us, and when we witness kind acts being done around us (even if we aren’t the recipient). 

2.      Model Acts of Kindness during your daily activities and talk with your child specifically about how and why the act benefits the person. 

3.      Acknowledge the small stuff.  When we practice Mindfulness, it helps us be present in our relationships and pay attention to our environment.  When you are with your children, be intentional about noticing the beautiful flowers, bright blue sky, or the helpful person who held the door open for you. 

4.      Find the Good in life on a daily basis.  Make a gratitude jar with your kids.  Find a container and let the kids decorate it.  Cut out pieces of scratch paper and put them in a convenient place so that family members can write down or draw things they feel grateful for and place the paper in the jar.  Then, open the jar once a week or once a month and read what everyone has written.

5.      Express Affirmations for each other.  When it is someone’s birthday, go around the table and express what everyone appreciates about that person.  This may be the best present they ever receive.  This can also be done as a weekly family ritual to appreciate the positive attributes in each other. 

6.      Brainstorm ways your family can do kind things for others in your neighborhood or community.  Participate in a community service project as a family. 

7.      Want more ideas from Mindfulness author, Kristen Race, Ph. D.?  Listen to her Ted Talk for Generation X Parents --https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jRND5IU3Qg    Race offers more suggestions to help families thrive rather than just survive in our fast paced, stressful world. 

Ann Sherman

 Social Emotional Learning Instructor and Parenting Matters Coordinator at NES