Communicating
with Children
Have you ever heard of I-messages? You know, those carefully thought out
statements that share how you are feeling and objectively describe what caused
you to feel that way? Well, they are
harder to craft than you think, especially if you are seven years old and very
upset. They require slowing yourself way
down.
We know that when something upsets us, a
primal emotional reaction is triggered deep without our Amygdala, or Lizard
Brain. Our wellbeing feels threatened
and we want to automatically react by blaming and judging others, often
exaggerating the threat, and beginning our verbal attack on the other person with
the word “You.” But when we let our
Lizard Brain do all the talking, the situation often escalates and relationships
deteriorate.
The trick is to both practice strategies for
lowering our emotional reaction and taking the time to re-frame what is
going on inside us before we share it with the world.
I-messages are formulated in our Pre-frontal Cortex, or Wizard
Brain. We often get so much farther when
we use them instead of You-messages. They
help us share how we are feeling & what behavior or decision caused this
response in us. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent
Communication offers this familiar format to use:
I feel ____when I observe_____because I
need/want________.
Students at NES have been using their Wizard Brains to
practice creating I-messages. They are
asserting themselves with less likelihood of triggering a Lizard Brain reaction
from the recipient of their message. The
hope is for them to use both verbal and nonverbal messages to call out a Wizard
response in others and work together to solve the problem at hand. Being assertive and empathetic takes
practice. Parents can be amazing coaches
in this regard by helping children re-frame You-messages into I-messages.
Tina Payne Bryson, author of The Whole-Brain Child,
encourages parents to also consider their nonverbal communication when
disciplining a child. If a parent towers
over a child while pointing a finger as they reprimand, the child’s emotional
Lizard Brain is triggered into a fight or flight mode. Bryson claims if parents lower themselves to
the eye level of the child, they are more likely to send both a comforting and
firm message about the change that is needed.
This allows for a less defensive response from the child. Try sitting down next to your child,
breathing through your emotional reaction, and formulating I-messages to get a
change in their behavior. For instance, “I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I
see that you aren’t ready to leave yet…..Please put on your shoes now.”
For more ideas about how to lean
into your child’s emotional state before redirecting, watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUZHgRupqIA&t=189s
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