We make 1000's of decisions each and every day. Our decisions have real consequences for ourselves and others. Students at NES are learning to STOP and CONSIDER the CONSEQUENCES that flow from the choices they make. Real consequences naturally follow from each of our decisions --
1. Some consequences affect us,
2. some affect others.
3. Some happen in the short term and
4. other consequences happen much later.
5. Some consequences have positive effects and
6. some have negative impacts.
Helping children slow down to consider their choices and the possible consequences is a learned skill. The reptilian (lizard) part of our brain pushes us to make quick, thoughtless decisions or merely react with intensity and emotion. The thinking part of our brain (wizard) helps us think things through before deciding. It takes practice to really consider what may follow from our words and behaviors. We can gently guide a children to think through the potential consequences that could occur. We can also create a teachable moment after a poor decision to help children think back about the consequences for themselves and others that naturally flowed from their choice. Natural consequences teach important lessons.
But quite often, what adults mean by "consequences" are parent-imposed consequences -- spanking, sending the child to timeout, or rescinding privileges, according to Dr. Laura Markham of ahaparenting. A parent-imposed consequence is really just a punishment. (Punishment is defined as causing another person physical or emotional pain with the purpose of getting them to do things your way.) When parents use "consequences" in this way for discipline, we aren't using the natural result of the child's actions and we are often damaging our relationship with them.
The most important thing we can do to get kids to "behave" is to help them see themselves as good people who do the right thing. Children make poor choices and act badly because they don't have a fully developed frontal cortex. It isn't that they don't know what's right. it's that they can't stop themselves from doing what's wrong. They need our guidance, limit setting, and teaching them the skills needed to make good choices. We need to talk and listen -- about feelings, values, decisions -- to help our child develop their frontal cortex, so they will be able to control their behavior.
The Positive Parenting approach encourages parents to utilize other responses than punishment when our children misbehaves or make poor choices. Markham offers all these tips in lieu of imposing punitive consequences:
1. Let your child solve the problem. For instance, when you've asked twice for your child to brush their teeth and they are ignoring you, say -- "You haven't brushed your teeth yet and I want to be sure we have time for a story. What can we do?"
2. Invite cooperation with your phrasing. Consider the difference in these approaches: "Go brush your teeth now!" -- No one likes to be told what to do, so a direct order like this often invites resistance, either directly or in the form of stalling. "Can you go brush your teeth now? -- Many kids will reflect on this and just say No. Don't phrase your request in the form of a Yes or No question unless you're willing to accept No for an answer. "Do you want to brush your teeth now, or after you put your PJs on?" -- This strategy works because you're granting your child some control, at the same time that you retain the responsibility of making the decisions you need to as the parent.
3. Ask for a Do-over. "Oops. i told you to brush your teeth and you ignored me and then I started to yell. I'm sorry. That's not how we relate to people we love. Let's try a do-over." This is a great way to interrupt things when you're headed down a bad road. Get down on your child's level and make a warm connection. "Okay, let's try this again, Sweetie. It's teeth brushing time. How can we work as a team to get those germs off your teeth?"
4. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Before transitions, give ample warning AND spend a few minutes connecting with your child. If there's something that your child usually resists, always leave extra time to get it done, so you're relaxed.
5. When your child defies you, focus on the relationship rather than on discipline. Guidance doesn't work without a good relationship because your child stops caring about pleasing you. A child who is rude is either very upset or expressing her need for a better relationship with you. In either case, "consequences" will make the situation worse.
6. Make sure your expectations are age-appropriate. A one year old needs a baby-proofed house, not to learn by "consequences" how to leave things alone. A four year old needs your help to get through the bedtime routine, not to lose reading time with you when he gets distracted and dawdles. A ten year old needs your help to make the homework routine into a habit that works for him, not to lose privileges.
7. Get to the root of the problem. Usually when kids defy us, they're asking for help with their emotions. So if you set a limit and your child defies you, forget about punishment and consequences. Connect with him, restate your limit with kindness and compassion, and listen to his upset.
8. Engage the thinking brain by creating safety. When humans are upset, our brains don't work well because "fight, flight, or freeze" takes over and thinking stops. So any time there are heightened emotions, start by calming your own emotions to create safety for your child.
9. Use NATURAL consequences. For instance, "I'm sorry you forgot your lunch, Sweetie, but it doesn't work for me to bring it to you. I hope you won't starve and I will have a snack waiting when you get home."
Rebecca Eanes, author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, says, "Throw the word "consequences" entirely out of your vocabulary and replace it with problem-solving. You'll be amazed at the change this makes. Or, talk about consequences as the things that naturally follow when we make choices. Help your child consider ahead of time the impact of their choices on themselves and others by using the list at the top of the page.
