(Stop, Think, Go!) Conflict Resolution Steps that Work

     NES students are learning the Steps for Collaborative Problem-Solving by using this     TRAFFIC LIGHT Model -- explained in excerpts from the following article by Jennifer Miller

  of confidentparentsconfidentkids.org   

      "He messed with my stuff while I was gone.  My Lego set is broken.  Mooooooom!" cries

  Zachery about his brother.  Sibling rivalry is a common family problem.  Mom could fix it.  

  "Go help your brother fix his Lego set." Or she could help her children learn valuable skills

   in problem-solving.  These opportunities for practicing critical life skills happen daily if 

   you look for them.  Collaborative problem-solving is not one skill alone but requires a 

   whole host of skills including self-control and stress management, self-awareness of 

   both thoughts and feelings, perspective-taking and empathy, listening and effectively 

   communicating, goal setting, anticipating consequences and evaluating actions.

     Roger Weissberg, one of the top leaders in the field of social and emotional learning 

  shared the Traffic Light model that he and his colleagues created.  Dr. Weissberg writes 

  that this promotes "consequential thinking."  Children begin to think through the 

  consequences of their actions prior to choosing how to act.  And that kind of thinking 

  promotes responsible decision-making.  this training was used to prevent high-risk 

  behaviors like drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy and violence in the adolescent 

  years.  Imagine if your children were engaged in developing these skills prior to that

  time of high peer pressures.  They would be ready and prepared with well-rehearsed 

  tools when they are tempted by their friends and you are not there at that moment to 

  protect them.  

  The beauty of this Traffic Light model is in its simplicity....

  RED LIGHT:  Stop!  Calm down and think before you act.
     No problem-solving is going to occur, no feelings repaired until all involved have calmed 

     down.  So take the time you and your children need to calm down.  Breathe!   You can 

     use easy-to -use teaching methods to help kids practice deep breathing such as bubble 

     blowing, ocean wave or teddy bear breathing ("Understanding Anger" article by Jennifer 

    Miller)  Take a moment for some quiet time in your own spaces.   Then....

   Yellow Light:  Caution.  Feel.  Communicate.  Think.

   1) Say the Problem and how you feel. 

      Parents can model this by saying, "I am feeling frustrated that you and your brother

      are arguing.  How are you feeling?"   It helps to have a list of feelings at the ready so 

      that if your child struggles with coming up with a feeling, he can pick one off of a list 

      that best represents how he's feeling.  This practice alone will expand his feeling's 

      vocabulary and he'll be better equipped the next time to be in touch with and 

      communicate his situation.  Here is a FEELINGS VOCABULARY LIST to use:  

      Feelings Inventory from the Center for Nonviolent Communication

     2) Help your child listen to understand the feelings and needs of others in the 

         situation.  Teach your child to paraphrase the other's perspective or ask curious 

        questions until your child can empathize with the other person. 

    3) Now, set a positive goal. 

       Before moving to "Go," have your child think about what they want for themselves 

       and the others involved.  The goal may be as simple as, "I just want to get along 

       with my brother," or "I want to keep my toys safe."   Weissberg writes that setting a 

       positive goal for kids simply means "How do you want things to end up?"

    4) Think of lots of solutions.

        Before jumping to one solution, think of lots.  "I could hide my Legos where my 

        brother can't find them."   "We could agree to ask one another before playing with 

        the others' toys."   "We could promise to repair anything we break."  Involve all who 

        were a part of the problem to generate solutions.  Children who understand there 

        are many choices in a problem situation are less likely to feel trapped into making

        an unhealthy decision but can step back and examine the options.

     5) Think ahead to the consequences.

         Parents can ask, "What if you tried hiding your Legos from your brother?  What

         might happen?"   Think through the realistic consequences with your children of 

         their various solutions -- both long and short term.  "It may work tomorrow.  But 

         what happens when you forget in a few weeks and leave them out on your bedroom

         floor?  Then what?"  This is a critical step in helping children think through the 

         outcomes of their choices before making them -- important practice for later

         problems when the stakes are higher.

    GREEN LIGHT:  Go!  Try your best plan.
     Maybe your children have agreed to ask one another before they play with the other's 

     toy.  Try it out right away.  See how it works.  If it doesn't work, then talk about it 

     and make slight adjustments or decide on another plan altogether that might work

     better.

     Parents can use logical consequences in concert with this model.  For example, if 

     Zachary harmed his brother, then he can generate solutions to repair the relationship. 

     He may offer a sincere apology.  He may spend time fixing the broken Lego set.  He 

     may help find a place to keep the Lego set safe.  Children need parents' support 

     repairing the harm done.  They need to know that there are multiple options for not 

     only repairing a physical object but also, repairing hurt feelings.  So brainstorm 

     options together and help kids implement them.

    ** Students at NES are also learning to repair their relationships and address hurt 

       feelings with the Restorative Practices model championed by Althea Abruscato, 

       Restorative Practices Coordinator from TEENS, Inc.