So often, we want our children to stuff their feelings because it is difficult for us to process the intensity of them. Or, we counter by yelling back. But healthy development of emotional intelligence requires accepting uncomfortable emotions in ourselves and others -- even as we work to re-frame their expression and coach a child to stop and think about how to express what is going on inside of themselves. These first eight phrases show that we are trying to understand the child's perspective and validate whatever they are feeling. We are drawing out their feelings in concrete emotion words. Asking a child to select feeling words helps connect their pre-frontal cortex with their reptilian emotional brain; thereby helping to soothe the intensity of their feelings and create self-awareness. When we empathize with their experience, it creates a strong bond between us and our child. When there is a strong bond, our child is more likely to listen to our requests.
8 Listen and Accept Phrases --
Tell me how you're feeling.
I want to understand how you're feeling.
I love you, even when you feel angry.
It's okay to feel mad.
How can I help?
I can see why you feel.....
It looks like you're having a hard time. Tell me about it.
I can imagine you feel.....
The next eight phrases help you move forward if the two of you are stuck during a conflict or if you need to repair the relationship as the conflict is ending. When we use these restorative parenting techniques, we ensure that the relationship is healed and the specific issue is resolved.
8 Move Forward Phrases--
Can I give you a hug?
Let's take a deep breath together.
I'm sorry for..... Next time, I'll.......
Can we start over?
Will you forgive me?
Will you sit next to me?
Let's take a break and do something fun.
Let's go for a walk together.
