Cecilia Hilkey, from HappilyFamily.com, offers ideas for how to walk children through the resolution of their conflict. In so doing, parents are teaching both problem-solving skills and the social skill of taking another person's perspective.
Instead of intervening with an imposed solution or forcing children to immediately apologize, here are some steps to use -- along with restorative questions to ask (which may either produce genuine remorse or other offers to repair the relationship):
EXAMPLE: The kids are fighting over a toy or game. Missy is playing with a toy, and brother Max is next to her. Missy leaves for a bit, and when she returns, Max is playing with the toy. Missy screams at him and grabs the toy away from him. Max hits her. And Missy hits him back.
1. Help Both Kids Calm Down
Before you help kids reconnect it's important that they are both ready. If kids are upset, it's too hard for them to consider the other person's perspective. If kids are fighting over a toy, you can de-escalate the situation by placing your hands on the toy, so neither child can play with it.
SCRIPT: Say, "I'm just going to keep my hands here until we can figure out how to solve this."
**Students at NES are learning a parallel conflict resolution process. They have practiced various strategies for COOLING OFF and soothing their intense emotions. Ask your child to show you their favorite calming strategies before you try to talk things out.
2. Connect Before You Correct
Before you correct their behavior (the grabbing and hitting), you'll need to connect with both of the kids. Giving empathy to both of them will help everyone feel connected and help them cool down more quickly.
SCRIPT: You can say, "Max, you look mad. You were playing with the toy and Missy took it away from you." To Missy, you say, "You're mad too. You were not done with the toy when Max started to play with it."
**Students at NES have practiced whole body listening skills. When they are calm, they listen for the feelings being expressed and reasons for them. When possible, encourage your child to summarize what their sibling has said by focusing on feelings and needs.
3. Understand the Communication Beneath the Behavior
Max and Missy both hit each other to "say" something. It's likely that both kids were overcome by upset and sadness, and they hit because they didn't know how to communicate to the other that they wanted the toy. Because we know that all behavior is communication, then we can understand "why" each child acted the way he or she did.
SCRIPT: To Max, "When you hit Missy, were you trying to tell her that you didn't want her to take the toy?" To Missy, "When you hit Max were you trying to tell him that you didn't want to be hit and you were still playing with the truck?"
**Students at NES learn about the difference between their specific wants/desires and the underlying basic human needs we are all trying to satisfy. Help your child talk about the needs they were trying to fulfill during conflict situations by using I-messages: I felt ____ because I need/want_____.
4. Help Kids Understand Each Other
Now that both kids are calm and connected, they can begin to understand the other child's perspective. Finding common ground is helpful. No one like to get hit. No one likes it when someone else grabs their toys.
SCRIPT: Say "Oh, that makes sense to me. You both didn't want to get hit and you both wanted to play with the toy. You ran out of words, so you hit."
**Students at NES practice stating the problem without blaming the other person. An objective statement of the problem gives everyone something to begin solving.
5. Find a Solution that Works for Everyone
Both kids can offer their solutions. If they don't have any ideas, you can offer your own solutions. Keep offering ideas until.... a)you find something that works for everyone OR b)you run out of ideas.
SCRIPT: Say "What ideas do you have to solve this?" If they don't have any ideas say, "Is it okay if Max gives the toy to Missy after he is done?" "Or does it work for Missy to give the toy to Max after she is done?" If they can't agree on a solution, say, "Sounds like we're stuck. Come back to me when you've got a solution that you both like. I'm going to hold onto the toy until then."
**Students at NES have practiced brainstorming. Kindergartners through Second Graders have utilized a spinning wheel of solutions to help them consider several ideas. See if your child brings home a conflict resolution circle to use at home. For instance, classrooms utilize Rock-Paper-Scissors all the time to find a solution that feels fair to everyone.
6. Smile
We know from Positive Psychology that even a forced smile helps calm and relax the body. When you smile, you bring lightness and ease to the moment. Smile because you are doing something that will help your kids build social skills.
7. Restore the Relationship
While it isn't very helpful to force kids to apologize to each other for how they treated one another, we can talk about taking responsibility by encouraging children to check in with each other to see if there is anything else needed to make things right between them. This may not only be a chance for genuine apologies, but also to end the conversation on a positive note -- by thanking, affirming, or forgiving the other person for the tone of voice, unkind words, or physical harm used.
SCRIPT: Say, "How can we make things right again between the two of you? Do you have any ideas?" OR, "Is there anything you would like to say to one another?" You can also model this by saying something like "I'm impressed that you both put forth a lot of effort to work things out. You are both such loving siblings!"
If interested in more Positive Parenting ideas, sign up starting April 23rd to view the free online parenting conference from May 7 -14th. Positive Parenting Conference 2019
