Please Forgive Me....

     Genuine apologies are difficult to give.   Many apologies aren’t even accepted.  When adults demand that kids apologize on the spot for their words or actions, it may not give the child the time to settle their intense emotions or to construct an apology that is sincere and will hold the test of time.  Students at NES are learning about the art of constructing an authentic apology that will have a greater chance of healing a broken relationship.  They are working to create and deliver heartfelt apologies when they have hurt someone.  This is restorative practice.

     Before delivering an apology, we usually need to address our own intense emotions and attend to our limbic system (lizard brain).  We want to be able to look the person in the eye, say their name and use a sincere tone of voice while saying what we are sorry for.  If we aren’t ready to do this, we need to get our body and emotions ready.  This can take time.  This often requires using strategies to calm ourselves before engaging (i.e. writing, drawing, listening to music, taking a walk).  It may also be necessary to use positive self-talk or a power pose to convince yourself that you are brave enough to speak with the person. 

     When we are ready to proceed, it is helpful to take the time to construct a Four Step Authentic Apology.  An apology that includes all these aspects is much more likely to be accepted by the receiver than a quick and dirty “I’m sorry…. I’ll never do that again” version.  

    Step One:   Say “I’m sorry” for specifically what you said or did.  It is far too easy to say you are sorry for “being mean” or “for not being nice.”   But statements about those general infractions don’t always imply that you have taken the time to really think about what specific words were darts or what actions or inactions severely impacted the receiver.  It takes self reflection to be aware of exactly what you did that felt hurtful to others. 

     Step Two:  Demonstrate that you know what emotions the other person might be feeling.  Try to read their body language.  Did your actions create frustration, embarrassment, sadness, anxiety, hurt, jealousy?  See if you can put yourself in their shoes to figure out their emotions and convey that to them.  You have your own set of emotions going on, but they may be feeling something very different than you are.  When you empathize with them emotionally, you are showing that you understand them and the impact of your actions.  Use emotion words to convey you get what they are going through.

     Step Three:  Rather than saying you will never do this again, take the time to make and share an action plan about how you will handle the situation if it ever repeats itself.  If given the chance for a do over, what specific steps would you take to summons your Wizard Brain and deal with it differently?  Instead of promising that you will “never do it again,” tell them how you will respond with a new plan:  “The next time I get annoyed with your behavior, I will walk away and take 10 deep breaths to calm myself down.  I will come back and politely but firmly request that you please share the items we are working with.  If that doesn’t solve the problem, I will ask an adult for help.”   When you have mentally created an action plan, you have that in your memory bank to help guide you the next time a similar situation arises.  A thought out plan makes it much easier to “never do it again” and is more convincing to the receiver.

     Step Four:  Ask the aggrieved person if they need anything else from you (besides these words of apology) to make things right between you?  Or, consider what actions would heal the damage and offer to do them.  If we want to repair the relationship, we often need to dig a little deeper, or go the extra mile, to heal what we have done.  This may also include considering who else (besides the person you are giving an apology to) was impacted by your actions?  Do you need to do anything to repair the harm that was done to others?  Does a wider apology need to be given?  Do additional action steps need to be taken to make things right with a wider audience?  Does anyone need a band-aid, a hug, an invitation to do something fun with you, etc?  One 3rd grade student quoted her mother’s mantra of  “actions speak louder than words,” and helped us consider what additional steps might need to occur before someone is ready to forgive us.  

Read About Forgiveness with your child:  

Rising Above the Storm Clouds by Robert Enright, 

The Forgiving Lion by Efrat Haddi,  or 

I Love My New Tail by Mo Willems.  

Practice It:  Give your child a bucket filled with rocks.  Talk about how it can be heavy to carry around all of the rocks that symbolize when someone has wronged us.  Take some rocks out and talk about how it is easier to carry the bucket after forgiving.  

Talk About It:  "Tell me about a time when someone forgave you.  How did it make you feel?  How do you know when you need to forgive someone?"  

     Parents can help their children process how to create a genuine apology.  We can coach children through the steps when an apology is needed.  And, as we seek to parent with love and compassion, we can also make sure we are apologizing to our children when our words or actions cut deep, when we are not at our best, when we wish we had not been so reactive toward their misbehavior.  Modeling these steps in our families and admitting our own relationship blunders will help children see that strong, healthy relationships are built by being willing to be both vulnerable and courageous with the people in our lives.