“The good news is -- anxiety is normal and functional for our survival. We worry in order to protect ourselves from danger,” said Carrie Evans, presenter at Helping your Child Tame their Anxiety on Nov 13th. “However, today we often worry about things that are not life threatening to us. Our reaction to these things can be toxic for our bodies if we don’t know how to harness the energy boost that stress provides. Stress hormones have nowhere to go when we are worrying about our potential future.”
At the second gathering for the Mountain Strong Families Series (held at Nederland Elementary School), parents shared the gamut of things that their toddlers through teenagers worry about. Many of these worries are developmentally appropriate and yet feel intense to our children:
Two -to- four-year-old children commonly fear the dark, sleeping alone, being separated from their parents, strangers, TV shows, getting lost, dogs and bugs. Five -to- seven-year-old children typically have a fear of the dark, monsters, closets, teachers that yell, peers not liking them, being separated from their parents, doctors, dentists, and shots. From 8 -11 years of age, children are often anxious about being home alone, watching scary movies, having something happen to their parents, school failure, being hridiculed by peers, not having any friends, disappointing teir parents, germs, storms, natural disasters, and heights. Middle and high school students add other worries to their plate – fear of murder, rape, kidnapping, someone watching them, being alone, dying or having loved ones die, disappointing their parents, mass shootings, getting fat, having acne and other body image issues, heights and fear of flying, asteroids hitting the earth, war and terrorist attacks, being homeless in the future, car accidents, failure in school or sports, etc.
As parents considered all these developmental concerns, they felt a deep sense of empathy for their children and the host of issues that can make little-on-up-to-big kids tremble in the face of real and imagined stressors. “The key,” Evans said, “is to harness stress in order to feel powerful instead of overwhelmed.” And she, along with Eileen Purdy, began to lay out strategies which parents can use to help their children deal with their “worry snowflakes” before they turn into an “anxiety avalanche”.
a. First, use the acronym H.A.L.T. to see if your child’s intense emotions or behavior is a result of Hunger/Hydration? Anger? Loneliness? Or being Tired? Many times, basic biological needs are the root cause of anxiety and irritability. Be aware of your child’s need for sleep, companionship, food or hydration to help them tame their anxiety.
b. Co-regulate with your child by breathing slowly together when they are anxious. A parent’s calm presence triggers mirror neurons in the child’s brain that are comforting. Box breathing – inhaling while counting to four, holding for four counts, slowly exhaling to the count of four, and pausing for four counts before inhaling again – was suggested as an anxiety-busting tool.
c. Label the emotion that your child is feeling to help increase their awareness of what is going on inside themselves. “Name it to tame it” and describe specifically what the stressor is for them.
d. Develop a daily practice of focusing on what the child is grateful for – before bed, or first thing in the morning to set the tone for the day. Help your child acknowledge what is going right in their lives. A gratitude practice sends dopamine to the pre-frontal cortex and gets the “wizard brain” talking to the “lizard brain” again.
e. Encourage your child to write about the issue that is bothering them as well as their feelings about it. Spell out their worst-case scenario, best-case scenario, and the most-likely scenario. Using words to describe thoughts and emotions is a calming activity.
f. GoZen.com offers helpful prompts for parents to say when their child is stressed.
g. When you talk, use lots of feeling words to expand the child’s emotional vocabulary. Help your child identify the difference between feeling panicked and having nervous butterflies in her stomach.
h. Gently lay your hand on your child’s knee and draw around your fingers as you breathe slowly together. Calming touch and deep breathing will balance the nervous system; moving it from the fight or flight mode to a relaxed state.
i. Find a calming bedtime routine to do with your child every night to elicit restorative sleep. There are several apps that are useful for this.
Large numbers of children and teens find it hard to concentrate in school, remember things they’ve learned, bounce back from challenges, socialize with peers, or sleep due to worrying about their future. Parents and educators can coach youth to utilize healthy strategies for calming their anxious minds so that children don’t turn to substance abuse to numb their nervous bodies.
“I was enchanted by Carrie Evan’s style and approach to helping parents support their children,” said one mother. “Last night’s presentation seemed to barely tap into Carrie’s vast knowledge about this topic. I look forward to learning more from her.” On Feb 12th, Evans will join other counselors at the next Mountain Strong Families event to address Healthy Communication in Families.” This Parenting Series is a collaborative effort between TEENS, Inc., Nederland Elementary, NMSHS, and a dozen local counselors. For more information about this series, contact ann@teensinc.org
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