Managing Post Election Stress within your Family

In the aftermath of this divisive election, I started thinking about the upcoming national holiday and who will be sitting around my table sharing a Thanksgiving meal:   

     **My sweet uncle from Virginia is a farmer and a devout Christian with a conservative approach to all social and fiscal issues.  He is most notably a hardworking and dedicated family man. 

     **My brother in-law from Georgia works in corporate America, is a gay married man, who is currently healing from stage 3 cancer.  He heartily supports liberal social causes like universal healthcare.

     **My mother is an 86 year old woman with dementia living in assisted living.  Back in her day as a 1960’s homemaker, she quietly fought in the Civil Rights Movement and for women’s issues.  She relies on Social Security and Medicare payments to help with increasing healthcare needs. 

     **My cousin owns a small business in a rural Indiana.  He is proud grandpa to a severely disabled grandson, a man of integrity, and a sports fanatic with a wry smile.  He has never wavered from voting for the Republican party. 

     **My college-aged daughter, who voted for the first time, is bilingual  and wants to work with English Language learners.  She is worried about her economic future and mounting college debt. 

     ** My father in law who likes to tell off color jokes but never bothered to vote, along with a couple of  his disillusioned African American son in laws who just want to know if their lives matter at all .

     Among my other extended family members, there are both wealthy doctors and welfare queens, working class craftsmen and high powered consultants, nappy headed nieces and nephews and properly coiffed southern women, Millennials that feel the Bern, anxious Southern Dixicrats, folks with post college degrees and high school dropouts, the Christian Right, the Christian Left, some questioning atheists,  ardent evangelicals, and a few dancing Pagans.  There are easterners and westerners, Rust Belt Midwesterners, southerners and northerners.  We are a rag tag collection of humanity with extreme differences when it comes to religious and political ideology-- not unlike the complicated mix within our nation.  And on Thanksgiving, we will sit down, hold hands and give thanks for our blessings and for the love that binds us together even in these polarizing times.  We may differ about how to solve the problems of our time, but we do not disagree that there is a stronger force that binds us together.  It may be a quiet table, but we will be sitting side by side. 

     If we are honest with ourselves, I dare say most of us have an extended family that houses a diverse reflection of our society.  If we can find it in our hearts to listen and ask questions about why everyone voted for who they did, to really listen to uncover the human needs and emotions underlying our politics, to nurture our inner calm and control our words as we interact with one another, maybe we can model on a familial level what our nation needs to do grand scale; never forgetting the person you love underneath the policies that they endorse. 

     Here are some suggestions from the American Psychological Association for addressing your mental health and social relationships in this political era:

1.       Feel free to scream – just don’t do it in public.  Not a screamer?  Aerobic activity, which releases feel-good endorphins, is a good way to shed some angst.

2.      Practice acceptance – Even if you don’t like the situation, say to yourself “this is the way it is and I’m going to move forward.”

3.      Take action –Decide what you can do to make a difference.  Volunteer with a group that supports an issue you care about.  Focus on what you can control—spread kindness in your community.

4.      Create an exit plan – Have a strategy that lets you gracefully exit any anxiety-provoking political conversation, politely change the topic or ably defuse tension.  Say something like, “We’ve got to take this one day at a time,”  agree to disagree on a subject, or offer your own post-election stress-relieving tips. 

5.      Heed your early-warning signs – Pay attention to your body and your brain.  If you start to think, ‘This person is an idiot’, recognize that it is only going to escalate.  There are signs when we start to get worked up, such as a tight throat, a dry mouth, a tight back, a fast beating heart, or a shrill voice, so know your triggers.

6.      Manage your exposure – If certain in-person conversations, social media posts or TV outlets fuel aggravation or depression within yourself, then avoid those or consciously limit your exposure.

7.      Think broadly – Try to understand that people are not crazy just because they supported the other side.  It doesn’t make them a villain.  Practice kindness and being empathetic to them even if you don’t agree with their thoughts. 

8.      Build a support system – It is okay to vent, but do it in a healthy, self-controlled way.  Make sure you are talking to other people who you think are positive and support you.

9.      Slow down and self-soothe – This is an ideal time to practice mindfulness.  Too woo-woo for you?  Then employ other relaxation methods such as listening to soothing music, lying in the sun or even riding a motorcycle, if that is what brings you some inner peace.  Tame your Lizard Brain.

1     Be thankful – Think of what you are grateful for, even if it is just small things.  When you feed your brain with positive information, you feel better.

1     Get some perspective – Turn on a comedy, go for a walk, be with your animals, watch children play.  Do something to get out of that silo.  Help yourself realize that life will go on.  It may go on differently, but it will go on.

1     Model good behavior – This is the opportunity to show children how to deal with strong feelings.  We can teach kids to be a gracious loser or a humble winner.  We can also set examples for each other with positive ways to cope.  We feel better when we help others, so pick your audience and lend a hand!

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor at NES & Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc