WHINE NOT? Remember to address your child's needs and feelings

The Cure for Whining-- repost from Aha Parenting.com

Should children get what they want by whining? Absolutely not.

Should they learn that they can get their way by marshaling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life.

But how to help them make that transition?

Whining is common with toddlers and preschoolers. Parents are usually advised to tell their kids to ask in a "nice" voice, because they can't hear the whiny voice. But whining is a symptom of a deeper issue. So if you want to eliminate whining, you have to address what's underneath.

If your child's whining is driving you crazy, here are six parent-proven secrets to stop the whining. Which secret you use depends on why he's whining.

1. Whining because he doesn't have the internal resources to cope with what's being asked of him:

When humans feel overwhelmed, they get whiny. (As a toddler, he would have thrown himself howling to the ground, but by three or four he can often whine instead.) Meet his basic needs for food, rest, down time, run-around time, and connection with you, or you can count on whining. He may not tantrum as much as he used to, but he will certainly whine if you force him to endure that shopping trip while he’s hungry and tired. Why create a negative situation that stresses both of you and contributes to the habit of whining?

2. Whining because she needs more connection:

Be pre-emptive. Make sure that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked. Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE she gets demanding. Anyone who's had to ask a romantic partner "Do you love me?" knows that attention given after you ask can never really fill the need. The secret is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn’t asked for, often, so she feels your support and connection.

And of course it's particularly important to connect when she shows the first sign of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide. (No, you're not rewarding "bad" behavior by giving her attention when she's whining. If she were whining from hunger, would you think you were rewarding that by feeding her? It's our job to meet kids' needs so they have the internal resources to cope. Connection is a basic human need, and children can't function well without it.)

3. Whining because she doesn't like what's happening but feels powerless to get her way:

Lawrence Cohen, the wonderful author of Playful Parenting, says:

"When children whine they are feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. If we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that powerlessness. But if we relaxedly, playfully, invite them to use a strong voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence. And we find a bridge back to close connection."

Remember, you're not out to manipulate her, but to connect. Start by letting her know that you hear what she wants, and you see her point of view: "You really want to go to the playground, and you keep telling me that, and here I keep stopping at all these stores that you aren't expecting, and you're disappointed, right?" Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.

Then, if she keeps whining, you can say playfully "You don't sound like yourself. I wonder where your usual strong voice went?"

Express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game:

"Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...behind the door? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice."

Finally, give her alternate tools by teaching her how to ask appropriately for something and negotiate with you. Since whining is so often a function of powerlessness, helping your child to feel that she can get what she wants through reasonable measures will carry over into the rest of her life.

In other words, you don’t want her to learn that she gets her way in life by whining or tantrumming, but you do want her to learn that she can get what she wants through managing her emotions, seeing things from the other person’s point of view and setting up win/win situations. (And of course, that's what you always try to model.)

So if you simply don't have time to go to the playground today, then don't. Be empathetic about his desire, and nurture him through the meltdown, as described in #4 below. But if your objection is to his whining, rather than his request, and he manages to pull himself together and ask in a reasonable way for what he wants, then you'll be able to engage in the kind of conflict resolution that finds a win/win solution.

“Ok, you want to go to the playground, and I need to stop at the hardware store. Let’s do this: If we're really quick at the hardware store, we’ll have time to stop at the playground on the way home. Think you can help me be quick? And if you are really fast about getting in and out of your car seat, we can stay a bit longer at the playground.”

Are you "rewarding" whining? No, you're empowering him by demonstrating that finding solutions that work for both of you is the way to get what he wants in life.

I often hear from parents that this "empowering with the strong voice game" strategy works like a charm the first time or two, but that after that the child refuses to play. If that's the case, it's because he actually needs something else -- to cry. Which brings us to:

4. Whining because he needs to cry:

He has a lot of pent-up emotions about things that are stressing him -- the new babysitter you left him with on Friday night, that kid who grabbed the truck away in the sandbox, potty training, the new baby -- there's no end of stressful developmental challenges! Toddlers let off stress by simply having a meltdown, but as they get older they gain more self-control, and begin to whine instead. Be kind in response to his whining until you get home and have a few minutes to spend with him. Then draw him onto your lap, look him in the eye and say

"I notice you were feeling so whiny and sad, Sweetie. Do you just need to cuddle and maybe cry a bit? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. I'm right here to hold you."

5. Whining because it works:

Don’t reward whining, meaning don’t give in and buy the candy. But there is never a reason to be less than kind about it. Responding to his desire with empathy ("You are so disappointed that I said no; you really wish you could have that candy...") helps him feel less alone with his disappointment. And there's nothing wrong with finding something else that will make him happy, like a shiny red apple or a trip to the playground. That teaches him to look for win/win solutions. If, by contrast, he feels like he only gets what he wants by whining, he’ll become an expert whiner.

6. Whining because you'll do anything to stop it:

Why do parents hate whining so much? Because whining is your little one's more mature form of crying. She's letting you know she needs your attention. And human grownups are programmed to react to whining much as we do to crying, so the needs of tiny humans get met. So the minute you hear that whine, you react with anxiety. You'll do anything to stop it.

But if you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that there's no crisis, you'll feel a lot better, and you'll parent better. Don't let your automatic crisis mode of fight or flight kick in. Don't feel like you have to solve the problem, or do anything at all except love your child. Just smile at your child and give her a big hug. Most of the time, the whining will stop.

Understanding the Underlying Needs in our Family Relationships

   

     During BrainWise SEL classes at NES, we’ve been practicing how to communicate more effectively by using I-messages.  I-messages may seem like peculiar statements until we find a way to capture their essence and personalize the message for our own situation.  To help a child learn to communicate more effectively, they need to understand the THREE COMPONENTS in an I-message formula:

I feel___(1)_____  when___(2)____ because I need______(3)______.

1.       Sharing our Emotions:   Help your children identify which emotion they are feeling.  It is easy to confuse emotions with thoughts and share those instead, i.e.  “I feel like you are being mean to me”  versus  “I’m feeling hurt right now.”  Effective communication involves taking responsibility for the emotions that you bring to the situation. 

2.       Factually describing what happened to cause the emotions:  NES students are learning to separate facts from opinions when describing what triggered their feelings.  It is far easier to interpret, judge, and make assumptions about other’s intentions rather than objectively describe the behavior that upsets us.  “I’ve been lonely since we haven’t talked in a while” versus “When you were ignoring me, it upset me.”  Help your child practice describing a situation without assuming negative intention or using a blaming statement.

3.       Identifying what Basic Needs we are trying to fulfill:  We are learning about the basic human needs that underlie most behaviors.  When our needs are sufficiently met, we tend to feel contented, hopeful, connected, relieved and refreshed.  When we have unmet needs, we often can feel either frustrated, depressed, hostile, tense, or disconnected.  Helping your child to reveal the need they are trying to fulfill will allow them to shift from an emotionally-charged specific demand to requesting that their general need be met in some way. 

     At home, we parents can model the use of I-messages when we are upset.  This helps our children learn the components (feelings, behavior, and needs) and see how we assert ourselves effectively.  We may also want to reflect upon what UNMET NEEDS underlie our child’s various behaviors.  For instance, if your daughter has been in the car for 2 hours and becomes argumentative and defiant, she may need some physical exercise before she can return to a balanced emotional state.  If your son has played by himself for a while and then comes into the living room and aggressively demands to play with a toy his sibling is using, he may have a need for social interaction and just loves getting a rise out of his younger brother. 

     Abraham Maslow suggested that our behaviors are a result of trying to meet one of the following basic human needs –

                                Physical needs

                                Safety needs

                                Social needs

                                Self worth/ego needs

                                Self Fulfillment/creativity needs

     The unique personality or constitution of your child also helps influence what specific parenting intervention may satisfy the child’s individual needs.  When parents are attempting to mold and shape appropriate behaviors in their children, when they are trying to teach children to regulate their emotions, it is helpful to reflect on the child’s unique approach to life.  The following diagram helps parents shed light on this intriguing mix of NEEDS and a Child’s personality:

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor at NES, Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc

Raising Kids in a Digital Age

      

•  How can we make changes & create a healthy lifestyle for our children?  

     It is estimated that infants watch 2.5 hours per day of TV, children use 7.5 and teens 9 hours per day of entertainment technologies (cell phones, TV, Internet), while 39% of parents use 11 or more hours per day of screen media during their leisure time.  The impact of screens on child development and family relationships is becoming evident in homes and schools throughout the country.  

(http://movingtolearn.ca/2014/ten-reasons-why-hand-held-devices-should-be-banned-for-children-under-the-age-of-12)

First Step:   RATE how much time your entire family spends on screens each day. (The MOMENT app is a great way to track this.)    As adults are attaching more to their devices, we are detaching from our children.  Are you being mindfully aware of your own usage and the lost chances to connect with your child?  Once the rateof use is determined, look at how your child's usage compares to these ZONEIN.ca guidelines for a balanced life:  

      0-2 years:  Rough and tumble interactions facilitate healthy child development  NO tech usage; not even passive TV.  

     3- 5 years:  Spend your time building strong social connections with your child through play.  Try not to use technology to soothe, reward or babysit your child. No more than 1 hour of pro-social, educational tech per day- watched together. 

     5-12 years:  Balance any pro-social tech usage with physical activity.  Do not allow unsupervised viewing or transportable devices.  2 hours/day maximum.   

     13 -18 years:  Introduce cellphones and Ipads.  Unplug at dinner and at least one day per week.  Do not allow use of multi-platform gaming (Violent video games like Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto are the most addictive technology out there). Research the content of games at ESRB.org.  Continue to keep technology out of bedrooms or other isolated areas.   Maximum use 2 hrs/day.  

2nd Step:   RESET by determining a time period to ‘unplug’ from all family technology. Disconnecting from technology, and reconnecting with family members, can be difficult if we aren't used to having much family time together.  Start by having dinner together as a family, without technology.

3rd Step:  REORDER by replacing time spent using technology with alternate activities. Technology kills a lot of time which could be filled with more healthy and inter-connected family activities.   Make it a point to schedule alternative activities to do together or for your children to do with their friends.  Perhaps suggest the adoption of family theme nights e.g. Monday – bake cookies night, Tuesday – board games night,  Friday -- bowling night, etc.

4th Step:  RULES-- agree upon rules that will support all family technology being unplugged for periods of time.   Use this list of family contracts to get ideas about the boundaries you may want to set:  https://mediatechparenting.net/contracts-and-agreements/  Learn how to use parental controls for each device your child uses at https://sites.google.com/bvsd.org/screenagers-in-ned/home.   A current Kaiser study found 60% of parents do not limit screen time for their children and 75% of families allow screens in bedrooms and isolated basements where they are not monitored.  Take the time to create some healthy boundaries and rules for your children.

5th step:  REACH OUT-- If your children display intense reactions to the change in tech usage, ask for help from a therapist to set boundaries together.   Tracy Markle and Brett Kennedy from Digital Media Treatment Center in Boulder specialize in issues with digital use addiction.  About 1 in 11 children from age 8 -18 are experiencing digital media addiction.  Children with ADHD, depression, social anxiety, substance abuse, learning disabilities, and those on the Autism spectrum are at higher risk for developing tech addictions.  Talk with other parents about how they are managing tech usage in their homes.  There are lots of ideas about how to create balance in a digital world.  

Additional articles and resources can be found at: https://sites.google.com/bvsd.org/screenagers-in-ned/home

Together, we can raise healthy children!

I Used to be a Human

     Andrew Sullivan, author of I Used to Be a Human, points out that within the last ten years, the smartphone has invited us to get lost in information anywhere, at any time.  We have gone from looking up and around to constantly looking down.  However, no matter how convenient and accessible technology has become, it is still our choice whether we remain tethered to it everywhere we go, says Dr. Brett Kennedy, author of The Digital Self.   Is your technology impacting your face-to-face time with others or distracting you from being alone with yourself? 

     According to attachment theory, children bond with their caregivers through face to face interaction and because of the adult’s responsiveness to the child’s emotional state and needs.  But with screens demanding our constant attention, are children left looking at their parent’s fore heads rather than receiving our undivided full facial expressions and attention?    Are we being mindfully “present” when we are with our children?    As never before, children are noticing where our attention lies.  Research indicates that families who have meals together most nights of the week are more likely to prevent risky behavior in their children.  Taking time to connect over food, to laugh and inquire about each other’s day, is a simple but powerful way to make a huge difference in the lives of our children.  But how many family members are now staring into smartphones at the table and allowing texts and calls to interrupt this precious family time?  

   This all led Rachel Macy Stafford at HandsFreeMama.com to make a resolution this year to mindfully change her priorities and shift her work-life balance:    

     I resolve to make memories, not to-do lists.

     I resolve to feel the squeeze of loving arms, not the pressure of over-commitment.

     I resolve to get lost in conversation with my favorite people, not consumed in a sea of unimportant emails.

    I resolve to make the noise of my life be a mixture of laughter and gratitude, not the intrusive buzz of mobile phones and text messages.

    I resolve to let go of distraction, perfection, and pressure – to grasp what really matters. 

    My kids are craving my presence, my connection, my joy and strength.  It’s what I’m craving too.

      If you have similar concerns,   how can you make an action plan to set digital boundaries at meal time, free up evening hours for family interaction time, stow away devices while watching your children perform, or negotiate with work for stricter tech boundaries?  This shift may be easier said than done when employers are demanding access to our lives 24/7.  A recent study at CSU found that just thinking about having to answer work emails at home renders employees “emotionally exhausted.” Other research suggests that limiting the number of times a day that we check email or work-chat services (to three or four) cannot only reduce stress levels but also increase overall productivity.  Creating work-life balance to prevent burn out is as important as preventing the deterioration of strong parent-child relationships.  

      Many of us are in search of balance in this digital age.  Kristin Race from Mindful Life offers some concrete steps that adults should consider to create tech boundaries for their own well being and that of their family.   There are easy adjustments we can all make to limit the impact of our smartphones on our well-being.  Follow this link and get started:   We have put together some mindful hacks for mobiles here.

     And for more ideas, please join the discussion about Raising Kids in a Digital Age this Weds, Feb 15^th at 6:00pm at Nederland High. 

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor at NES, Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc.   

720-561-4861   ann@teensinc.org

The impact of screen time on Social Emotional Learning

          Current research indicates that children aged 8 -18 spend  from six to eleven hours per day in front of screens.  The American Academy of Pediatricians recommends zero screen time for children under 18 months and very limited content and screen time for toddlers and pre-schoolers.  How do parents assess what a healthy relationship is to digital media for elementary aged children?  Check out the AAP's media time calculator to determine how much time your child is plugged in each day:  https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx#home
   
     When digital media is used thoughtfully and appropriately, it can enhance daily life, but when used inappropriately or without thought, screen time can displace many important childhood activities such as face-to-face interaction, family-time, outdoor play, exercise, unplugged downtime, and sleep.  As parents, we are called upon to ascertain how screens are being utilized by our children and it's impact on both our family relationships and our children's social, emotional, cognitive and physical development.

      Without a strong sense of self control, children have a difficult time limiting their digital usage and choosing other activities.  They need our help finding a balanced approach to life in the digital age.    And since intimacy and attachment are developed in face-to-face interactions, and not through screen time, if we want strong bonded relationships with our children, we adults have to be available, present. and unplugged to build those vital connections with our kids.

     Empathy and social skills are learned through face-to-face interactions as well.  In the world of video gaming, children are often rewarded in a game for the exact kinds of social interactions that they are punished for in the real world.  Critics of the ever popular video gaming industry believe that the part of the brain where empathy is developed is disengaged when a child plays video games. Instead of developing greater empathy for human beings, there seems to be a muted response to violent images after teenage boys play numerous first-person shooter games.  As parents, we must consider which media content and what amount of screen time are teaching the values and skills we hope to instill in our children.

       On the other hand, we know that being surrounded by nature is calming to our nervous system.  However, in a world of screens, downtime to self soothe becomes nearly impossible to find. Constant digital stimulation and an overactive nervous system become the new normal.  In the last decade, the rates of anxiety and depression have risen among teenagers.  Are selfies, "likes", and maintaining a digital reality having a detrimental effect on our children's mental health and self image? These are important questions that our culture is just beginning to ask and explore.  Therapists have begun to address the addictive nature of digital media and help families set important boundaries for its use (For more info about tech addiction in children, see http://nypost.com/2016/08/27/its-digital-heroin-how-screens-turn-kids-into-psychotic-junkies/ )


     Have you begun to notice that screen time is taking over your family time; that you have fewer intimate moments with your children and more arguments over the use of technology?  If so, please join our mountain parent community next Wednesday, Feb 15th from 5:30 -8:00 pm at Nederland Middle Senior High School to view the award-winning film SCREENagers.  The film will be followed by breakout sessions exploring practical ways to address Raising Kids in a Digital Age. Discuss with other parents how to raise healthy children by encouraging social interaction, creative imaginative play, and engagement with the real, natural world in proportion to the time spent on screens.   Please contact ann@teensinc.org (720-561-4861) to request free childcare.

Helping Children separate the People from the Problem and the Facts from Opinions

          "People fail to get along because they fear each other;

          they fear each other because they don't know each other;

          they don't know each other because they have not 

     communicated with each other."

          Martin Luther King, Jr.  

     Last week, we began learning how important it is to speak assertively; to share our ideas and feelings.  We are practicing how to Speak Up and Speak Kindly by utilizing I-messages rather than judging or attacking someone else.  Taking responsibility for our own feelings will help us improve our communication skills when we feel upset or angry.   Our reactionary Lizard Brain wants to spit out personal attacks.  But our wise Wizard Brain helps us critique the problematic behavior instead. 

     To reinforce this effective use of communication at home, you may want to:

*Ask your child what kind of voice & body language they use when they speak up.

*Ask your child what kind of words they use to speak up. 

*Help your child re-frame aggressive You-messages into assertive I-messages.  For instance, when your daughter yells at her sibling “Well, you’re stupid, too!" you might coach her, instead, to say “ I don’t like it when you call me names.  That hurts my feelings.”

*Tell your child when you notice him/her using a strong, respectful voice and kind words to speak up.  

     We are also learning how important it is to separate Opinions from Facts.  Children tend to think if they believe something, it must be true.  Just like adults, if they act on opinions and assumptions, without researching the evidence or without asking questions and listening to folks on the other side, they often cause more problems for themselves and others.  

     Learning how to separate Opinions from Facts seems particularly challenging because disagreeing over facts seems to be a national past time right now.  Sara Gorman and Jack Gorman, authors of Denying to the Grave:  Why We Ignore the Facts that will Save Us, argue that it is our psychology that drives us to reject scientific facts and statistics for our own opinions and interpretation.  Humans are distinctly uncomfortable with events or phenomena without clear causes, and when we don’t know something, we tend to fill in the gaps ourselves.  We also respond more to stories than to statistics.  So spin a good story for your children to teach the values you believe in, but also keep asking them to think about whether something is a fact or an opinion before they repeat it or react to it.   

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor, NES 

and Parenting Matters Coordinator, TEENS, Inc.

Communicating with Children

     Have you ever heard of I-messages?  You know, those carefully thought out statements that share how you are feeling and objectively describe what caused you to feel that way?   Well, they are harder to craft than you think, especially if you are seven years old and very upset.  They require slowing yourself way down.

     We know that when something upsets us, a primal emotional reaction is triggered deep without our Amygdala, or Lizard Brain.  Our wellbeing feels threatened and we want to automatically react by blaming and judging others, often exaggerating the threat, and beginning our verbal attack on the other person with the word “You.”  But when we let our Lizard Brain do all the talking, the situation often escalates and relationships deteriorate.

     The trick is to both practice strategies for lowering our emotional reaction and  taking the time to re-frame what is going on inside us before we share it with the world.  I-messages are formulated in our Pre-frontal Cortex, or Wizard Brain.  We often get so much farther when we use them instead of You-messages.  They help us share how we are feeling & what behavior or decision caused this response in us.  Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication offers this familiar format to use:  

I feel ____when I observe_____because I need/want________. 

     Students at NES have been using their Wizard Brains to practice creating I-messages.  They are asserting themselves with less likelihood of triggering a Lizard Brain reaction from the recipient of their message.  The hope is for them to use both verbal and nonverbal messages to call out a Wizard response in others and work together to solve the problem at hand.  Being assertive and empathetic takes practice.  Parents can be amazing coaches in this regard by helping children re-frame You-messages into I-messages. 

     Tina Payne Bryson, author of The Whole-Brain Child, encourages parents to also consider their nonverbal communication when disciplining a child.  If a parent towers over a child while pointing a finger as they reprimand, the child’s emotional Lizard Brain is triggered into a fight or flight mode.  Bryson claims if parents lower themselves to the eye level of the child, they are more likely to send both a comforting and firm message about the change that is needed.  This allows for a less defensive response from the child.  Try sitting down next to your child, breathing through your emotional reaction, and formulating I-messages to get a change in their behavior.  For instance, “I feel worried because I want to get there on time and I see that you aren’t ready to leave yet…..Please put on your shoes now.”    For more ideas about how to lean into your child’s emotional state before redirecting, watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUZHgRupqIA&t=189s  

           

  Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor NES and Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc.