During BrainWise
SEL classes at NES, we’ve been practicing how to communicate more effectively by using I-messages. I-messages may
seem like peculiar statements until we find a way to capture their essence and
personalize the message for our own situation.
To help a child learn to communicate more effectively, they need to
understand the THREE COMPONENTS in an I-message
formula:
I feel___(1)_____ when___(2)____ because I need______(3)______.
1. Sharing our Emotions: Help your children identify which emotion
they are feeling. It is easy to confuse
emotions with thoughts and share those instead, i.e. “I feel like you are being mean to me” versus
“I’m feeling hurt right now.” Effective communication involves taking responsibility
for the emotions that you bring to the situation.
2.
Factually
describing what happened to cause the emotions: NES students are learning to separate facts from opinions when
describing what triggered their feelings.
It is far easier to interpret, judge, and make assumptions about other’s
intentions rather than objectively describe the behavior that upsets us. “I’ve
been lonely since we haven’t talked in a while” versus “When you were ignoring
me, it upset me.” Help your child
practice describing a situation without assuming negative intention or using a
blaming statement.
3.
Identifying
what Basic Needs we are trying to fulfill:
We are learning about the basic human needs that underlie most
behaviors. When our needs are sufficiently
met, we tend to feel contented, hopeful, connected, relieved and refreshed. When we have unmet needs, we often can feel
either frustrated, depressed, hostile, tense, or disconnected. Helping your child to reveal the need they
are trying to fulfill will allow them to shift from an emotionally-charged specific
demand to requesting that their general need be met in some way.
At home, we parents can model the use of I-messages when we
are upset. This helps our children learn
the components (feelings, behavior, and needs) and see how we assert ourselves
effectively. We may also want to reflect
upon what UNMET NEEDS underlie our child’s various behaviors. For instance, if your daughter has been in the car for 2
hours and becomes argumentative and defiant, she may need some physical
exercise before she can return to a balanced emotional state. If your son has played by himself for a while
and then comes into the living room and aggressively demands to play with a toy his sibling
is using, he may have a need for social interaction and just loves getting a rise out of his younger brother.
Abraham Maslow suggested that our
behaviors are a result of trying to meet one of the following basic human needs
–
Physical
needs
Safety
needs
Social
needs
Self
worth/ego needs
Self
Fulfillment/creativity needs
The unique personality or constitution of
your child also helps influence what specific parenting intervention may
satisfy the child’s individual needs.
When parents are attempting to mold and shape appropriate behaviors in
their children, when they are trying to teach children to regulate their emotions, it is helpful to reflect on the child’s unique approach to
life. The following diagram helps
parents shed light on this intriguing mix of NEEDS and a Child’s personality:
Ann Sherman, Social
Emotional Learning Instructor at NES, Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc
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