Nurturing Ourselves on our Parenting Journey

  

      During the first parenting session of “Raising Whole Human Beings”, facilitator Angie Sands addressed how to meaningfully connect with our children in order to forge a strong attachment between parent and child.  “After spending the last month focusing on child-directed play and being totally present with my child for 10 -15 minutes each day, my child is absolutely thrilled! He now asks for ‘special time’ with me nearly every day,”  one dad reflected.  A mom who has been attending the Mountain Strong Families parenting series added, “I feel more in-tune with my kids.  I’m noticing more joy and less family conflict.”  If we want to make sure our children have strong social emotional skills, we need to start with building a rock solid foundation with them, despite our busy schedules.  Finding concrete ways to connect on a daily basis produces kids who are resilient in the long run and more likely to listen to us in the short term, says Dr. Dan Siegel, author of “No Drama Discipline."

     The second Mountain Strong Families session, on February 18th, focused on the wellbeing of parents.  Siegel’s extensive research has shown that the #1 predictor of a child “turning out well” is their caretaker’s self understanding.  Three topics were addressed to assist parents in developing a greater understanding of their triggers, their ability to self regulate, and identifying any unmet needs that get in the way of being their best selves.  

    

 Parents began by listing behaviors that make them angry with their children.  Everything from  “does the opposite of what I ask”, “talks back”, yells “I hate you!”, to “he ignores me” or “the kids constantly fight” were mentioned as ongoing irritants that can cause parents to see “red”.  We were encouraged to chase the reasons behind our anger.  What childhood experiences and emotional wounds bubble up when we interact with our own children?  Did we have to stuff our hurt feelings as a child?  How are feelings of rejection, disrespect, or shame impacting us today as we raise our kids?  

 

     Brene’ Brown, a researcher studying feelings of shame, has uncovered adult behaviors that seem to derive from our own painful experiences in childhood.  “We are the most in debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in US history,” she learned.  We may need to work through some old memories, and quit trying to numb our pain, in order to show up the way we want to be with our kids.  Diana Underhill, from Tadasana Mountain Yoga studio, led the group in an exercise to check-in with our bodies in order to become aware of emotional baggage we may be carrying.  A list of local counseling resources was also offered to parents wanting to explore more about themselves.  

     Next, parents practiced three helpful steps for managing their anger when they get frustrated with their child’s behavior.  The first step, when we initially begin to get upset with our child, is to (1) stop talking or physically reacting, drop your agenda (i.e. to-do list, schedule, expectation or demand), and take five deep belly breaths to turn off the alarm system in your brain.  Secondly, (2) repeat a mantra you have memorized that helps reframe how you are thinking about the situation at hand.  Parents chose phrases like ~  “My child isn’t giving me a hard time, my child is having a hard time” or “Don’t take it personally.”  The third step involves (3) doing an active movement that releases the extra angry or anxious energy in our body.  Our brain is urgently pushing us to react, but we can take that energy and quickly dance, push against a wall, do jumping jacks, or walk out of the room and splash cold water on our face to practice the pause before responding to our children.  “I like these concrete ideas for how to take a moment so I can respond instead of having a knee jerk reaction to my children," commented one mom. Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids, believes practicing these daily anger management strategies for 12 weeks will build the new neural pathways for calmly responding to our children instead of yelling at them.

     Finally, parents explored the variety of human needs we each require to have a sense of wellbeing.  We can often feel irritable, resentful and exhausted while caring for our children because some of our basic needs are not being attended to.  Parents completed a “love languages” quiz to determine their preferences for feeling loved.  Consider how you can use the gestures that make you feel loved to provide care for yourself rather than relying on someone else.  Parents took their favorite love languages and created a self care action plan that illuminated their desire for either more affirmations, acts of service, gifts of love, loving touch, or desire for more quality time.  Parents brainstormed specific activities that would fulfill their intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, social, and creative needs.  They were also encouraged to write themselves a daily permission slip to take something off of their to-do list.  Every day, I’ll do these two things (______ and ______) to nurture myself.  Every week, I’ll schedule in time to do this:_____.  At least once a month, I’ll make plans to ______.  Parents took time to intentionally plan how to show themselves more self compassion.  

     Ignoring our own needs, or waiting for someone else to fulfill them, does not produce caregivers who feel whole.  Doing errands and taking a shower should not be considered self-care.  They are necessary chores and grooming activities.  Instead, parents selected activities that really fill their cup and bring joy or healthy relaxation into their lives.  Even if you don’t have to unpack too many painful childhood memories, or need to constrain your urge to yell, we all need to prioritize our own wellbeing.  Scheduling time to foster hobbies, be playful, move our bodies, and nourish our souls can’t wait until the kids are grown.  

     “When I first met Laura, she seemed grounded and happy.  After years of parenting her young son, she was frustrated and feeling trapped.  We talked about what she loves to do and how she could schedule those things into her life.  Horseback riding brings her joy.  She made plans to ride twice per month and it has changed her perspective on mountain living during a pandemic.  She now believes she can once again bring her best self into her parenting.  Taking care of Laura is one way she also takes care of her son.”   

     

    The next Mountain Strong Families session on March 11th will cover how to “Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children.”  You can learn more about this positive parenting approach by joining the Mountain Strong Families Facebook Group. 

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

    

      Has your child screamed at you recently or called their sibling names?   Have you experienced your child melting down as soon as they get home from school?  Is your child often irritable and anxious?  They may just need some help knowing how to manage uncomfortable emotions.  

     Kristina Scully, from ThePathway2Success.com, summarizes strategies that our children need to know to get through life.  Coping skills are the supports that help children and young adults manage tough emotions.  Kids are still learning how to manage their emotions.  They are constantly deciding which strategies help them soothe themselves.  If we want kids to use healthy coping strategies (instead of zoning out on screens, numbing themselves with food or substances, or stuffing their feelings), we have to teach them how.

     Research shows that just teaching healthy strategies once is not enough.  In order for children to effectively use these skills and tools to calm down when they are upset, they need to commit them to memory.  Practicing skills before upset feelings occur helps to create the neural pathways which support the child when they will need it most.  Here are 16 different healthy strategies that allow children to feel, express, and regulate their emotions:  

1.  Mindful Morning Moment.  Use this simple 5,4,3,2,1 mindfulness exercise to start off the day with your child.  Or, use it at any time of day when your child is beginning to get upset.  

2.  Create a Coping Strategies Menu.  Help kids understand their options for coping skills.  Use this coping strategies list to help kids brainstorm their own list.  Try out a bunch of the strategies to see which ones work the best for different emotions and for each person.  

3.  Utilize Nature to Balance the Nervous System.  Spend time outside (or just gaze out the window) to observe the beauty of nature.  Watching wildlife can reduce stress, improve focus, and promote feelings of calm.  Or, help your child use their senses in the outdoors ~  smell a pine cone or the fresh mountain air, sift dirt or rub tree bark, listen silently to the birds, leaves, or wind.  If you can't get outside to watch wildlife, the next best thing is watching a live cam of any animal your child adores.  

            

4.  Do regular Emotion Check-Ins with your child.  Teach children how to PAUSE, ask how they feel, identify emotions, and move forward by identifying underlying needs.  

5.  Color or Draw.  Children and adults find calmness by coloring or drawing a picture of what they are feeling inside. 

6. Practice Mindfulness.  Activities like slow, deep breathing and guided visualizations  help kids feel calm and in control.  By focusing on the inhales and exhales of our breath, it can help restore calm and focus. Mindful breathing is one of the best techniques to try.  Utilize these "breathing boards" to trace while slowing your breath, or give some of these calming apps a try ~  Breathe2Relax,  Calm, Personal Zen, and Pacifica.

 

7.  Create Self Affirmations. Grab a notebook or just a piece of paper and help your child write out compliments about themselves. This helps a child focus on the positives while clearing the mind.

8.  Listen (or dance) to Music.   Listening to music is a highly individualized strategy. Try different types of music and take note of how you feel.  Develop a playlist with your child that helps them feel through their sadness, anger, disappointment, worry.

9.  Read for pleasure.  Reading for pleasure can help us feel cozy and calm. Help find the right reading material for your child; this can be anything from a picture book about emotions or friendship issues to a magazine, or a classic chapter book they are interested in.

 

10.  Exercise, Move, or do Yoga Stretches.  When we feel either angry or stressed, we need to move the extra energy out of our bodies in order to feel calmer.  Shooting some hoops, walking, jumping jacks and pushups all balance our nervous system.  Research has shown that practicing yoga increases levels of GABA in our bodies. This amino acid fights against feelings of depression while creating feelings of calm. There are many videos (like this Yoga for kids Youtube channel) to help you get started.

11. Write it out.  Writing in a journal helps get thoughts out in a safe way. Sometimes, just by writing thoughts out, you can learn to make sense of things in a different way.  Buy or create a cool journal that your child can use to process their feelings regularly.

 

12.  Build Something to Show How you Feel.  Use blocks, Legos, or any other tool to build something. Kids can create freely, or build something based on how they are feeling.

13. Use a Fidget.  Fidgets are tools that can help calm the body and mind. While they are fun, it’s important to first teach that these are not toys when we use them to get calm – instead, they are tools. Some favorites includes putty, kinetic sand, liquid timers, and stress balls.

14. Use Brainteasers, Riddles, or Jokes.  Brainteasers and riddles encourage us to think outside the box and challenge our minds. This can be a healthy brain break to reduce stress and refocus the brain in a positive way.  Laughing helps trigger the release of endorphins in the brain, sending out feel-good vibes and reducing stress. Try watching “try not to laugh” videos together or make up your own joke book.

15. Talk it Out.  For some people, talking can be a healthy reset when they are feeling sad or stressed. Talking about topics unrelated to that actual problem can actually be a great way to start because it serves as a quick distraction.  Or, having someone listen to how you are feeling and what you are needing can move mountains as they empathize with and validate your inner world.  

16.  Make a Gratitude List.   Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools when you are feeling down. Try making a list of something you’re thankful for with every letter of the alphabet. 

     The above mentioned strategies demonstrate that there are a variety of coping tools which can balance our nervous system and help us feel calmer and ready to fix whatever is bugging us.  Practicing the six general types of strategies will help your child know which ones work the best for them:

a.  Using your senses indoors or in nature.

b.  Deep breathing and mindfulness practices.

c.  Right brain musical and artistic exercises.

d.  Finding the words to express yourself.

e.  Moving the chemical energy out of your body.

f.   Distracting yourself temporarily with puzzles, jokes, laughter.  

     Consider setting up a cozy Calming Corner somewhere in your home.  Along with your child, find helpful objects and tools to place in the corner.  Help your child know when to advocate for themselves to use these tools when they are feeling upset.  This is not a "time out" space where children are punished for having feelings.  This is a place to express their inner world of emotions, thoughts, and needs and to regulate themselves (or co-regulate with you) in preparation for working through their challenges.  

Parenting ~ You Don't Have To Do This Alone.

 

          As the winter winds gusted through the foothills, several dozen local parents piled upon their couches in front of their fireplaces and "tuned in."  They connected virtually during the interactive Mountain Strong Families Series hosted by TEENS, Inc.  January 21st kicked off the first virtual session of Raising Whole Human Beings.  Four more monthly sessions will follow.

     TEENS, Inc Parenting Educator, Angie Sands, shared how she raised her son as a young, single mom.  She remembers searching out resources to build her confidence and skills, and to strengthen her relationship with her son.  Like the mountain parents gathered online, she realized she needed to surround herself with the strength and experiences of other parents to raise her own son well.

     Sands began this current Mountain Strong Families Series with helping us think about what behaviors we find challenging in our children, then helping us to reframe those behaviors into positive qualities we hope our children will one day exhibit.  Parents were then asked to think about the skills they will need to explicitly teach if they want their children to develop those very qualities.  Each family set some personal goals for their children.  

 

What qualities do you want

to see your child(ren) develop?

All parents want to raise children who are whole and healthy, but a lot of things can get in the way of that. One of the best scientific predictors for how well any child turns out is whether at least one adult is emotionally attuned to and consistently shows up for them. "Showing up" goes beyond the basics of functional parenting ~ where someone feeds, clothes, transports their child, and gets them to do their homework. "Showing up" is about intentionally being present with our child. It's about regularly connecting to the child's inner world in order to strengthen the ties between parent and child.

     The four building blocks for raising healthy children have been laid out by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD in their book, The Power of Showing Up.  Children who feel like they are seen, soothed, safe, and secure form a connected relationship with their caregiver and learn to thrive.  We parents were asked to reflect upon which adult in our own childhood saw and understood our inner world, made us feel safe, soothed our emotional reactions, and repaired the relationship when ruptures occurred?  It might have been a parent, or a relative, coach, neighbor, teacher or elder who showed up through thick and thin.  These nurturing relationships helped shape how our brains developed -- either becoming integrated or remaining dysregulated and reactive.  

     Who in your life helped you feel

seen, soothed, safe, and secure?

Parents at the MSF session were given four principles to ensure we become this solid, secure base for our children. The four parenting principles include:

a. Intentional activities that help us CONNECT daily with our child,

b. Focusing on the CAREGIVER'S WELLBEING,

c. CHASING THE WHY behind our child's behavior so we respond to their needs and emotions, and

d. Serving as a COACH to explicitly teach emotion-regulation and social skills rather than punishing our child for not having these skills yet.

Children who consistently have a caregiver show up in these ways, learn to trust in and relate to others, feel comfortable in their own bodies and with their feelings, and respond to their emotions, relationships, and life challenges without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. Children who don't feel secure, build brains that are more likely to react to other people with drama, neediness, or demands. Recent neuroscience research shows how our relationship with our children helps determine how their brains actually form and whether they will feel whole or insecure throughout their lives. However, it is never too late to develop these healthy pathways in our child's brain.

Angie, the facilitator, offered three key parenting skills for filling our child's need for connection and teaching social-emotional skills that will serve children for a life time. First off, every parent was asked to designate 10-15 minutes per day participating in child-directed play or "special time" with each of their children. By playing and observing closely what our child imagines, creates, or is absorbed in, and by using descriptive commentary to let them know we see their inner world, we are building the foundation for a secure, attached relationship with our child.

A second parenting strategy is to make sure we are intentionally affirming our children 5 - 10 times more than we correct, redirect, or critique their behaviors. It's easy to get into the rut of constantly correcting our child's missteps, but the adult's critical voice soon becomes the child's inner voice. We want our children to believe in their self-worth, because children who feel good about themselves are more likely to interact with others in healthy ways.

Thirdly, parents were challenged to find simple ways of connecting with our children throughout the regular routines of the day. For instance, purposely turning off cell phones in the evening and having dinner conversations about "how were you kind today?" or "how were you brave today?" Parents of older kids might begin a conversation journal with their child to pass back and forth with each other. There are endless ways for weaving connection activities into our regular morning and evening routines that do not take more time. They just take our focus and intention.

After setting our own intentions regarding these strategies, we were asked to notice over the next month how our relationship with our children (and our children's behavior) is affected by these efforts. Whether you are attending the virtual Mountain Strong Families Series or not, you can set your intentions to improve daily bonding with your child. And you can find additional resources regarding these parenting strategies on the new Mountain Strong Families Facebook page. Next month, we will focus on "Nurturing Ourselves on the Parenting Journey." Until then, Happy Parenting!

 

Give "Presence" to Children this Holiday Season

 

     Life has been crazy and stressful this year.  Holiday traditions and expectations can add to that.  Or, we can choose to focus on what genuinely creates happiness and contentment as we enter this season.  "Connection, meaning, and contribution produce warm and pleasant feelings, not things," we are reminded by Dr. Laura Markham in Ahaparenting.com  During a rough year, our children are primarily craving the stability and love that we give them.  

    Some families choose to decrease the buying frenzy over the holidays by limiting their children to four presents and helping children talk about the difference between "wants" and "needs".  Children are encouraged to generate a holiday Wish List with "something I want, something I need, something to wear, something to read."

     

     But Dr. Laura Markham actually encourages parents to take the focus off of presents this year and put it back on the love between you and your child.  This year especially, we may be struggling to make ends meet, but consumerism isn't what fills our children's emotional cups.  Since children spell love "TIME", Markham says "make love tangible by coming up with magical ways to connect" after a particularly difficult year.  Her suggestions are:

     1.  Give the gift of your time.

Print out certificates for activities with you and wrap them so your child gets the pleasure of opening a present.  For added excitement, create a treasure hunt with clues hidden around your house and the certificates located at the end of the hunt.  Kelly Holmes from Happy You, Happy Family, offers a Free Printable Coupon Book that will delight your child like no other gift.  Your child can cash in on fun (often free) experiences throughout the long, dark winter and beyond.  You might end up spending a whole day in your jammies, making playdough together and forming things while its warm, or taking a mental health day off school and work (yes, please!)

Check out this coupon book chocked full of fun ways to connect and make any time of the year special.  Printable Coupon Booklet

     

      2.  Share the magic of the holiday.  

No matter what holiday you celebrate (it's a great time to learn about these Beloved Holidays around the world), find a sense of wonder by going for a quiet walk together as a family and look at neighborhood lights, icicles, and animal tracks.  The fresh air melts away stress, the dark night inspires awe, the novelty and sense of adventure on an evening hike create connection.  Turn off all cellphones and just enjoy the moment with your family.  

     

     3. Shift the focus from materialism to connection and giving.

Photograph you and your child making homemade presents, decorating for the holiday, or baking treats.  Create a little book of holiday tradition photos along with your child.  They will enjoy the memories it brings back every time they look at it.  Brainstorm with your child how you could gift a neighbor this year -- help shovel, deliver kindling, share a treat, clean off their car, carol at their door, or call them weekly until it's safe to leave our homes.

     4.  Start a blessing bowl to experience the gift of gratitude.  

Over the next few weeks, write down things you and other family members are grateful for, from this unusual year.  Toss them into a "Blessing Bowl."  Ask your children to contribute, too.  One evening toward the end of 2020, make popcorn, snuggle up by the fire, and go through the bowl reading each gratitude item aloud.  Talk about them together.  Savor the feeling of emotional abundance served up in this bowl.  Share how blessed your family is to have each other.  This creates feelings of gratitude, connection, and meaning which lasts for months.  

And here's one SPECIAL, FREE present for YOU:

Mountain Strong Families is hosting a five-part virtual Parenting Series this winter entitled:  How to Raise Whole Human Beings.  If some of your child's behavior is distressing to you, if having everyone home often feels overwhelming, if you'd love to connect with other mountain families, and learn more about a Positive Parenting approach to teaching your child Social Emotional skills, stay tuned for more details.  Mark your calendars:  Thursdays Jan 21, Feb 18, March 11, April 8, and May 6th.  This Series will feel like a much needed, nurturing gift to all the adults who are helping their children cope with the added challenges of 2020!!

How Do We Raise Anti-Racist Children in Nederland?

     

     

     "I don't even know where to start," sighed one young mom at the Becoming an Anti-Racist Family workshop on November 5th, 2020.  Since many of us still grow up in segregated schools, churches, and neighborhoods, "we don't even know what we don't know," admitted another parent.  "My first college roommate was black and that was the first time I ever really talked to anyone in-depth about what it meant to come from a different background than my own,"  acknowledged another mama.

     It is hard today to talk about racism in our homogeneous mountain town, but that doesn't mean that white parents can't intentionally prepare their children to be actors and allies in a diverse world.  We don't have to wait for people of color to lead the charge.  We can begin the process with our families.  But "I fear being accidentally racist," chimed in one mom.  In spite of the challenges, local workshops like this one are a chance to help each other learn and grow as we work to create a world for all children based on racial equity.

     As Mountain Strong Families gathered virtually, local mom and workshop facilitator -- Sara Sandstrom -- thanked parents of toddlers to teenagers for engaging in uncomfortable conversations about racism.  The goal of this TEENS, Inc sponsored workshop was to give parents tips for raising children who will not continue to perpetuate racist ideas and actions, or to uphold racist policies.  "We teach social emotional skills to children for multiple reasons," said organizer Ann Sherman, "both to help kids nurture their own wellbeing and to give them the awareness and skills to create a society where everyone's wellbeing is supported."

     Parents will need to understand the complex structure of Racism (racial prejudice combined with a system of power and privilege) in order to explain it to their children.  Sandstrom helped illustrate three types of Racism.  Most of us are aware when Interpersonal Racism rears its ugly head.  We may have family members or acquaintances who make derogatory racial comments, crack hurtful jokes, or seem oblivious as to how their actions perpetuate ongoing segregation and racial inequities, i.e. when they make decisions about voting or where to live, shop, or attend school.  Interpersonally, we hear folks complaining about the attempts there have been made to balance the wealth and power between racial groups (because when you are used to being privileged, equality can feel like oppression to you.)

     Cultural Racism was then explained as "representations and messages that behavior and values associated with whiteness are 'better' or 'normal' compared to those associated with other racial groups."  From news to Disney movies, images of racial groups shape our thinking.  Some cultural examples Sandstrom offered included the idea that black men are dangerous and black women are too mouthy.  "My mom would always lock the car doors as we drove through 'bad' neighborhoods," remembered one young dad.  The English language is also full of phrases that associate white with goodness (i.e. white lie) while blackness connotes something bad (i.e. blackmail).  Parents were challenged to intentionally counter these cultural and media images by reading books with their children which have black protagonists who illustrate black achievements and resistance to oppression.  And to overcome stereotypes by surrounding their children with diverse art, toys, movies, friends, and experiences.  

     George Floyd wasn't our wake-up call.

Blacks have been sounding the same alarm for decades

and we keep hitting the snooze button.

     Black lives are cut short every day, not just by the brutality of some bad cops, but from all kinds of institutional policies and practices.  Statistics shared about Institutional or Systemic Racism revealed to attendees that publicly-funded school districts which are attended predominantly by children of color receive $2226 less per student than districts where mostly white children attend, Blacks are 25 times more likely to die of cancer, and the legacy of slavery as well as the practice of "redlining" neighborhoods has allowed the median white family wealth to grow to 41 times more than the median wealth of black families.  Racism resides in our Institutions when unfair policies and practices across various systems (such as housing, banking, education, criminal justice, healthcare, and religion) routinely provide unequal access to goods, services, and opportunities for people of color and advantages for white people.  Teaching kids to be nice to everyone is a start, but it doesn't alter the institutional policies that negatively impact black families.  The cycle of inequity keeps being reproduced.

     Our children will automatically be growing up in a society rife with racist images, ideologies, and institutional policies.  We are being socialized and impacted all the time, whether we know it or not.  So, how do parents raise an Anti-Racist child -- someone who realizes the history of racial inequity and works to end it?  The answer is obviously -- be very intentional.

      Sandstrom shared some of our nation's history of white supremacy and then encouraged parents to -- Start young.  Talk with young children about the concept of "Race" by using books like The Skin We Live In.  After acknowledging differences and similarities, point out racial injustices to your child by discussing what is "fair/unfair", using books like Not My Idea  or Something Happened in Our Town.  Share history, context, and provide media literacy skills with older children.  Suggest they read Stamped or This Book is Anti-Racist.  Parents practiced conversing with their child about racism and realized how hard it is to explain all this.  Particularly since we live in such a homogeneous area, parents realized the need to intentionally place their families in close proximity to people of color in order to listen to their experiences and perspectives.

     "My parents often didn't speak up so that they could avoid conflict," one dad said.  "I feel like I need to speak out.  I have earned a lot of privileges I never asked for."   It is hard for many whites to believe that they are "privileged."  We may be struggling to pay the bills too, or affected by gender, our class background, health issues or other hardships.  However, "White Privilege" doesn't mean that your life hasn't been hard; it means your skin color isn't one of the things making it harder.  Parents began to grapple with the idea of using their privilege to be Anti-Racist while raising their children.  To receive a list of suggested Action Steps, Books and Movies, and Parenting Tips, contact ann@teensinc.org.

     As the workshop ended, attendees wanted more.  More ways to educate themselves.  More ideas to utilize with their children.  More chances to talk about this topic and support each other on their journey.  Is there anyone out there who would like to host an ongoing group for a bunch of motivated Anti-Racist families?   There are kids to raise and more anti-racist work to be done in Colorado.