~observing facial expressions, body language, situational clues & the tone of voice
utilized,
~offering gestures of kindness and compassion,
~listening with their whole bodies so they can reflect the underlying feelings of
others,
~asking curious, open-ended questions to clarify their assumptions and thoughts.
Children require a great deal of coaching in these areas and need adults to model these strong social skills in order to build the neural pathways that access empathy and compassion in their Wizard Brains.
One tool we use at NES is to teach listening with our whole bodies. This concept goes far beyond hearing words with our ears to encompassing listening to nonverbal cues with our eyes, quieting our hands and feet so we can listen without multitasking, using our brains to listen for the underlying feelings and needs of the speaker, not interrupting with our mouths and then responding by repeating, summarizing, or asking open questions to learn more.
How often do we adults find ourselves using phrases with children such as "pay attention" or "listen carefully"? When we make these requests, we may not realize that we're giving kids an unspoken expectation that we want them to stop whatever they are doing and show us they are listening with their whole body. However, do we ever really teach them all the components of what whole body listening looks like? If not, when the child doesn't show those behaviors, we feel frustrated and assume they don't want to comply. Listening skills must be broken down into concrete, explicit steps in order to help children understand the "how" and "why" of listening. Young children will enjoy learning these steps in Can you listen with your eyes? by Nita Everly or in the video Whole Body Listening with Larry
In order for children to develop effective listening skills, we need to practice deep listening with them. When we are truly listening to our child, our immediate response isn't advice, minimizing the situation, or offering solutions. These responses get in the way of our children regulating their emotions and coming up with their own solutions to life's challenges. Your child needs your full attention and your empathy to develop their own empathy and problem-solving capabilities. Ahaparenting.com and ConfidentParentsConfidentKids.org offer these parenting tips for Deep Listening with your child~
1. Remember that all your child's behavior is communication.
How do we listen to a shy, quiet child or to a defiant one? Even children who don't say much want to connect with you. Accept it on their terms. A handshake, a hug, a long look in each other's eyes, a high-five or a playful pillow fight may be as meaningful and full of connection as a deep conversation. Observe your child's behavior and think about what they are communicating to you. What need are they trying to meet? What emotion are they expressing? If your child isn't obeying, consider how you can give them choices and empower them to do what you are asking: Instead of saying "I've asked you three times, do it now!" Re-frame your request and empower the child by giving choices inside of the expectation: "Would you like to do it on your own or have me help you?" Or, "would you like to leave now or have ten more minutes?" Finding ways to give limited choices to a defiant child, or be playful while getting a job done, helps children "listen" to the request instead of digging in their heels.
"Every message is beautiful if we hear need behind it." ~Marshall Rosenberg
2. Pay full attention.
When your child is ready to share, the shopping list and that problem at the office can wait. Your child knows when you're really listening. She may not show it, but it breaks her heart when you pretend to and don't. Turn off your cell phone. Really. She will remember for the rest of her life that her parent turned off the phone or screen just to listen to her.
3. Use Conversation Starters rather than Conversation Closers.
Culturally, we tend to be in the habit of not using feeling words. Conversation openers acknowledge and reflect feelings without judgement or suggestions, rather than shutting down feelings. Questions may have the potential to put the other person on the spot and cause defensiveness. Use questions, not to probe, but to clarify your assumptions and inferences --
"You sure sound angry at your brother...Is that how you're feeling tonight?" versus "Why are you so grumpy?...You just have to make more of an effort to get along with your brother."
4. Don't Take it Personally as you listen to your Child Rant.
When children get upset, they sometimes retaliate in an argument with hurtful words like "I hate you." Try not to take those statements to heart. Though they are intended to wound in the moment, they are coming from a feeling of lack of control. Walk away and take time to cool down. In calmer moments, discuss how those words are painful and coach your child to rephrase how he is feeling without harming others. "Could you say instead, 'I hate what you did. I hate what you are doing?' The goal is to listen for the feeling underneath the rant and focus their words on the action not the doer of the action.
5. Reflect Feelings and Needs instead of probing.
"Tell me how you feel" is not empathy. Empathy is mirroring whatever your child is already telling you. "You seem sad this morning" or "You're very quiet tonight...maybe you need a little down time?" reflects the emotions and needs underlying what you are seeing and hearing.
6. Use Words that Validate your Child's Experience.
If you have listened deeply, your response reflects their experience. Say just enough to validate their perspective when your child has had an unpleasant experience -- "No wonder you're upset" or "Nothing seems to be going right for you today." When kids feel their emotions are understood, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate.
7. Don't put your child on the spot.
If you would love for your child to open up more to you, see if they share when you aren't looking directly at them. Your child may feel more comfortable talking while driving in the car, doing dishes, or walking down the street. Sometimes when we turn the lights out at night, kids pour out their souls to us in the dark. Make some of those opportunities happen and see what follows.
The point is to listen in such a way that lets him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself. Kids learn most from the opportunity to hear themselves talk and come to their own conclusions. Facilitating a child's thinking in this way can support him in internalizing thought processes that lead to responsible decision- making. For instance, instead of saying "Be careful," ask him "What do you need to remember when you play at the park or get ready for school, or...?" Engage their critical thinking skills by having them re-state the rules, steps, or precautions that have been given.
9. Listening isn't the same as Obeying you.
When it feels like children aren't "listening" to your direction, try front loading the situation using specific guidelines and boundaries to create clear expectations. Or instead of saying, "Be quiet! Stop yelling!" after things have gone haywire, re-frame in the positive and give specific directions to coach them to do what is expected: "Please take a moment to take a deep breath, then you'll be able to either whisper or talk softly to say what you want."
10. Cultivate a deeper Understanding of what is Normal.
Because so often our greatest challenges with our kids stem directly from their developmental struggles to learn what they need to, learning about children's development deepens our understanding of them. We will listen and respond differently to their behavior when we understand what is perfectly normal for a child of their age. Check out the free resource -- NBC Parent Toolkit
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