Getting Children to "Listen" when it's time to do Chores

     

     Research shows that kids who have household responsibilities are more likely to step up and help others outside the home.  So why don't kids help more, and what can you do about this challenge in your own home?

     The main work of children is actually play.  Many times we forget that children have not yet developed their executive functioning skills which allow them to plan ahead, initiate tasks, follow a series of directions, stay on task, get organized, persevere through challenges, utilize good time management, and draw from their working memory, etc.  

     When our children fail to do as we ask and chip in to complete chores, it often helps to take a step back and see if we are providing the needed steps and guidance to get their compliance.  Here are some effective ways to teach life skills through understanding brain development and the importance of your relationship: 

1.  Get in close proximity to your child before you ask your child to help with a task.  Create eye contact with the child, perhaps bend down to their level or touch their shoulder, and have them look at you.  It is easier for them to ignore your audio request from a distance.  

2.  Give specific directions rather than asking children to do something vague.  "It's time to make your bed and put the dirty clothes in the hamper" versus "I told you to clean your room."

3  Ask the child to repeat the directions before proceeding on.  "Please tell me what you heard.  What is being requested of you?"  

4.  Make a visual list of steps to accomplish.  Providing a list gives something concrete for the child to refer back to.  Some kids like to check off items along the way.  Try calling them contributions instead of chores.  This wording focuses the child on how they can be an integral part of taking care of their family.  

Saturday contributions:  

1.  Feed the cat  

2.  Bring your dirty clothes to the laundry room  

3.  Vacuum the living room 

4.  Come get a big hug from dad 💛

5.  Model what you want your child to do, then have them try it. You can't really expect your child to do a job as well as you would.  You probably weren't so thorough at his age, either.  So...demo, demo, demonstrate.  Many of us learn best when we can experience the directions. Think about the reason you want your child to help ~ it's to learn life skills and to experience how good it feels to contribute.  Expect to spend time teaching and supervising.  Consciously involve your child in what you're doing from an early age, even though it takes much more time.

6. Give your child a moment to transition from what they were doing into what you want them to do.  For instance, 

 "Wow, that looks like fun.  I see that you are in the middle of a game, but the dog is begging for you to take her for a walk.  You can play one more round and then let's break to take the dog before finishing the game."  

7.  Give one direction at a time.  Break a big job into smaller steps so it doesn't seem overwhelming to your child. Help your child master each step.  Perhaps, take photos of them doing it and make a small poster with each step visualized.  Once your child takes responsibility for a task, try to minimize your control over that task.  Instead of redoing a job she has done, focus on the positive aspects of what your child has accomplished.

8.  Turn your request into a game.  Make it fun to cooperate with your request.  "Let's see if we can act like orangutans while washing the windows?"  Or, "Let's play beat the clock.  I'll set the timer and we'll see if we can get these jobs all done in 20 minutes."  Experiment with being silly and playful and ridiculous about reminding your child about their chores, until everyone is laughing about the dishes getting cleared from the table.  Your anxiety will disappear, and any power struggles will disappear too.  And once there's lightness and fun about it, you might even find that your kids no longer need prompting, says Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com)

9. Even adults hate some chores.   Give kids choices whenever possible.  "You can pick one easy task and one longer job from the contribution list today.  You decide which two tasks you want to accomplish before lunch."  Providing choice and sharing power are very motivating to any age human. 

10.  Do chores together whenever possible.  Set aside a time of day when all family members are working on chores.  Buddy up, sing silly songs, and get 'er done.   Recognize that your child doesn't see much intrinsic value in household work, unless she's doing it with you.  Instead of sending her off to work by herself, see the work as an opportunity to bond with her.  Play her favorite music and sing along.  Find the joy in working together, and inspire your child with it.

11.  Give praise after they have followed through.  "Thanks so much for helping our family get everything done today!   You rock!"

    When parents want their children to "listen", they often really mean they want them to "obey."   The above-mentioned approaches help a child's developing brain follow through more easily with what is being asked of them.  See if any of these paths get your family closer to where you would like for them to be?