Developing better Self Control in your Child

   

     Our children aren't dogs which we train to do silly tricks.  But we do want them to learn how to stop and think before they blurt, interrupt others, or act impulsively. 
     It takes a long time to develop the capacity for self control.  It is completely normal for elementary school students to do impulsive things now and then.  Children gradually build the neural pathways in their brains to be able to stop and think before acting or speaking.  They learn to pause and process after a great deal of practice at this.
     The orbitofrontal cortex is an area of the brain located just behind the eyes.  It is important to impulse control.  The human brain has around 100 billion neurons, each with dendrites that resemble the branches of a tree.  When our children are challenged to perform repeated behaviors, their neurons grow more dendrites, which in turn connect to other neurons.  This process creates an elaborate web of synaptic connections.  By playing impulse control games, children are challenged to grow dendritic connections that will link their brain stems and limbic areas to the cortex areas of their brains.  These dendritic connections will enhance their ability to pay attention and control their impulses and emotional reactions.

     Lack of self control can be a skill deficit when children haven't yet had appropriate behavior taught to them.  A child who throws a tantrum, hits, or grabs things needs experience learning how to handle their feelings or get their needs met in socially appropriate ways.  We can explicitly model how to say and do things in a gentler, controlled manner:  "Let's try that again.  Try saying,  I feel frustrated when you aren't sharing with me.  Will you please let me play with that in a few minutes?"  These lessons often need to be taught over and over as an adult coaches and models.
     Children may also lack self control due to a performance deficit.  The child may know the appropriate behavior but fails to make good choices in the moment.  Being emotionally dysregulated or feeling pressure can cause children to forget what they know and act impulsively.  They need more practice to stop and think so that good behavior is like a muscle memory.  We want our children to use self control to do the right thing even if it isn't what they always want to do.  There are many fun ways to help your child practice waiting, or pausing to stop and think, before reacting. 

     Eight things Parents can do to help Children Learn Self Control

1.  Model Self Control

     If a child sees a parent reacting with impulsive behavior (think road rage) or a high level of emotion during a challenging situation, then they will also have a hard time settling down and controlling their own behavior.  One of the most important things we adults can do to help children learn self-control is to regulate our own emotions, so we can stay calm and patient with our children.  Children learn extensively from what they see modeled.  

2.  Help them Think through Consequences

        Help your child think through their actions and consider the consequences.  If they have a homework assignment that they don't want to complete, ask them what the outcome will be if they don't hand it to their teacher the next day.  How will that make them feel?  Use this process to help make the internal consequence and decision-making process external.  This helps the child practice these thinking skills and incorporate the process internally.  

3.  Playfully Delay Gratification

        Popular children's games can be a big help teaching younger children the ability to stop, wait or follow directions.  Think Red Light, Green Light.  The goal of the game is to be the first to cross the finish line, but you're called out if you move on the red light.  The child with impulse control challenges will have to work harder to stop at the proper time, but it's great practice.  Simon Says and Follow the Leader are games that help develop a young child's ability to pay attention and follow directions.  "It's fun to play these games at school, but it's even more fun to play them with Mom, Dad, Grandma or Grandpa," says James Forgan and Mary Anne Richey, authors of, The Impulsive, Disorganized Child: Solutions for Parenting Kids with Executive Functioning Difficulties.  

4.  Get Physical

     "Exercise and movement affect the ability to focus and pay attention by boosting dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin in the brain.  Regular physical activity also improves concentration and motivation, decreases hyperactivity and impulsivity, and improves memory,"  says child development researcher Michelle Anthony.   Run and play outdoors before asking your child to sit and finish their homework.  

5.  Teach Calming Strategies while Waiting

      When children are having a hard time waiting, try helping them do or think about something completely different.  The next time you and your child are waiting together, talk about ways to have the waiting be fun or go faster.  Some people draw doodles, tap their fingers, or sing songs in their heads.  Plan for the times that your child may need to wait and take something for them to do, such as pens and paper or a book.  Tell your child a story or play a question game:  "What's the biggest thing in this room?"  "How many red cars do you see?"  

6.  Play a Mind-Body Integration Game

      Have your child attempt to sit in a chair without moving.  Time how long the child is able to accomplish this.  See if they can increase their effort. Play it with them and time yourself.  Repeated practice over several weeks will show improvement.  Through activities such as this, the neural connections between the brain and the body are strengthened, providing self-control.  

7.  Practice Self-Talk when Distracted

     Encourage your child to repeat directions to themselves over and over to help them focus on a task.  "Put on your shoes, then grab your coat....Put on your shoes, then grab your coat."   Or repeat one word over and over "Focus, Focus, Focus" to help stay on task.  Ask them, "What is the first thing you need to do?  Second?"  Have them repeat back to you what they will be doing to lock it in their working memory.  

8.  Playfully practice Focusing Attention when Distracted

     Challenge your child to match socks from the laundry basket while you walk around them.  See if they can tie their shoes while you tap your foot or snap your fingers to a song.  Challenge them to wipe off the table while you talk on the phone to see if they can stay on task.  Cheer when they do it!

     "If children learn to delay gratification and control their impulses, they are going to be more successful in life" says Clinical Psychologist Melissa DeRosier,  "~socially, in school, career wise, in relationships, pretty much anything." All these things require the ability to slow yourself down and think before reacting. 

Practicing Gratitude as a Family

     Dr. Kristen Rice, from Balance Your Brain to Balance Your Life,  shares how her family developed gratitude practices that have created meaning and connection in their lives.  She shares some simple ideas that shift our thinking and bond us to one another:

       One of the first things we teach our kids as soon as they learn to speak is to say, "Thank you." Think of the countless times you have said, "What do you say?..." to prompt your child to utter these words. But do our kids really have any idea what it means to be thankful?

Practicing gratitude has benefits that go far beyond having a polite kid. Studies show that people who practice gratitude feel 25% happier, are more likely to be kind and helpful to others, are more enthusiastic, interested and determined, and the benefits for our kids are equally as impressive (learn more in the video).

So how can families practice gratitude in meaningful ways? Here are a few ideas.

3 ideas for incorporating the practice of gratitude into your day

1) Express your appreciation for each other.

In my house we started this as a birthday tradition. When it is someone's birthday we go around the table and express what we all appreciate about that person. The first time we did this it was uncomfortable for me — it felt 'cheesy' for lack of a better term. But when I heard the amazing things my kids had to say it quickly became my favorite family ritual, and we remind each other of what has been said often. But don’t feel like you need to wait for a major life event to show your appreciation – I have a friend who comes home from work and often finds a sticky note on her fridge from her partner, expressing appreciation for her.

2) Make a gratitude jar.

This can be a fun project for kids. Find a container and let the kids decorate it. Cut out some pieces of scratch paper and put them in a convenient place so that family members can write down things they feel grateful for and place the paper in the jar. If kids can't yet write then having them draw a picture of something works great too! Then, open the jar once a week or once a month and read what everyone has written. I’ve been amazed at not only what is written between family members, but also the long lasting, positive effects this has had on our relationships, especially between my children.

3) Make it part of your bedtime routine.

Take a few minutes at the end of each day to show appreciation for the little things in your life for which you are thankful. Write your thoughts in a journal, or ask your kids to tell you three things they are thankful for before they go to bed. Try to think of one new thing each day – ideally something that happened that day.

     Life can often seem busy and overwhelming.  Teaching our children to stop and notice the things that bring joy and comfort, to find the positives among the challenges, builds their resilience and confidence.   And for that, we are grateful.  

                             * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Here are some beautiful questions to utilize with your child which help us reflect on our blessings:   Questions to Deepen Your Child's Experience of Gratitude

    Make Thanksgiving Break even more meaningful by reading some of these stories to your young children:  BOOKS that will make your CHILD FEEL ABSOLUTELY LOVED


                             **********************************************************

     Join us for the next Mountain Strong Families presentation on Tuesday, Dec 3rd.  Parents will practice how to Redirect and Repair Relationships while disciplining.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org


     

Communicating with a distraught or disobedient child

     

     As the fog set in over the mountains, the children giggled and squirmed.  Families gathered round the tables at Nederland Elementary and laughed and chatted while enjoying a Mexican-inspired meal.  Babies and toddlers were soothed.  Preteens began to spread out their homework.  Elementary children sat proudly in their community school with their loving parents by their sides.  And the fourth Mountain Strong Families event of this semester proceeded forward.

    TEENS, Inc partners with our local schools and community counselors to provide ongoing workshops for parents.  The focus of the Mountain Strong Families Series is on how best to teach children strong social-emotional skills and strengthen family relationships.  We have utilized ideas from the No Drama Discipline Workbook to connect parents with the social emotional skills which students are learning at school.  On November 6^th, Kestrel Hansen Neathawk, Carrie Evans, and Kimberly Bryant prepared an interactive dialogue about Communication Tips for a Happier Home.   Parents were able to share their challenges with their children’s behavior and offer insights into what works for them.  “There’s a lot of noise in our house,” admitted one mother, “but not enough talking and listening to each other.”

    Common themes emerged from parents; parents who previously may have felt alone and isolated in this journey.  Everyone commiserated when hearing about the screaming child in the grocery store, the physically or emotionally intense child who lashes out at family members, the unwillingness to obey, or the mouthy, argumentative teen.  “My children are disrespectful to me but wonderful everywhere else,” admitted one mother with teenage sons.  We’ve all been there.  “You are not alone,” Carrie Evans reassured us. 

    So how do adults respond when there are big emotions, noncompliance, and lots of yelling instead of effective communication taking place at home?  First, parents were encouraged to select strategies to “turn down the shark music” in their heads; to make sure they are responding in a calmer fashion instead of reacting from their own reptilian brain.  Parenting from a state of fear or anger never works very well. 

     Evans encouraged parents to try several self-regulation strategies when their child is misbehaving:  PAUSE, take some time before you re-actively say or do anything.  Give yourself some time and space to channel your thinking brain; to integrate your emotions with your problem-solving abilities.  Feel free to walk around and say out loud to your child, “I’m really upset right now.  I’m not sure how to respond to what is going on here.  Hmmm.”    SHARE how you are feeling in your body – “Dad is getting frustrated with your behavior.  I can feel my muscles tightening and my voice wanting to yell.  I need to calm down so we can work this out.”  Force yourself to BREATHE slowly for at least 90 seconds (while putting your hand on your belly or your heart) in order to slow down your heart rate, lower your blood pressure, and send the message from the vagus nerve back up to your brain that you are not in a survival emergency. 

     REFRAMING your thoughts will also change how you feel emotionally, and therefore change how you respond.  We can begin to “turn down the shark music in our heads” by intentionally changing how we think about our children or the situation.  Instead of thinking of your child as bossy (insert natural leader), as lazy (insert needs encouragement), as rude (insert articulate without thinking first), as fussy (insert selective), as whiney (insert needs reassurance), or as defiant (insert courageous). 

   Secondly, “CHASE THE WHY” behind your child’s behavior and validate whatever they are going through.  What basic human need are they trying to meet right now?  What unmet need do they have that is triggering their intense emotions?  Are they tired, hungry, overstimulated, needing attention and connection, needing choice and autonomy, needing to be reassured?   Parents were encouraged to see if we can identify the major needs and emotions our children are expressing with their behavior.  With their feelings and needs in mind, how can we communicate that we understand what they are going through? “I realize that I typically tell my child to just ‘Stop crying’ instead of naming their emotions for them,” one mother reflected.

     Neathawk continued to coach the parents by suggesting we “communicate comfort, validate their emotions, and listen more than we talk.”  If we truly want to connect with our child, we might say, “I know it is hard to be told ‘no’.  It makes you very angry because you wish you could make this decision all by yourself.  This is really hard for you.”  Responding in a manner that reflects their needs and feelings helps the child regulate their own emotions. 

    We were reminded that whenever someone says “no”, they are saying “yes” to some need that is vitally important to them.  Next time your child says “no”, ask yourself if you are getting defensive and believe you have to either accept the “no” (and give up your needs) or resist it and start an argument?   Instead of focusing on the “no”, look for what your child is saying “yes” to.  If she is hearing a demand, she is likely saying “yes” to her need for autonomy.  At other times, she may be saying “yes” to some other need of hers.  By taking time to find out what is more vital and engaging than what you have asked her to do, you defuse a potentially volatile situation, make a heartfelt connection, and clearly demonstrate your interest and care.  And when you can connect with her “yes”, she will be more open to hearing what your “yes” is. 

     Thirdly, HOW we communicate is crucial in understanding how our children will receive our words.  If we don’t want to continue to trigger our child’s lizard brain reaction to the situation, we need to be mindful of our volume, tone of voice and body language.    A large adult towering over a child or standing face to face, instead of sitting down or crouching down to their level, keeps the child in their fight or flight mode.  Our facial expressions and our own intense emotions can either help calm our child or get mirrored in the child’s brain and lead to an escalation of emotions. 

     Neathawk suggested trying to direct children in a playful way when they were non-compliant with our requests.  “Let’s act like cheetahs as we go get in the car” instead of “You need to get in your car seat now” when running behind schedule.   This change in tone, while averting a power struggle, helps address the child’s need to be included in the decisions that affect their lives.   

     Evans and Neathawk shared their experience and addressed real life scenarios that all families could relate to.  The fog that blanketed the mountains seemed to gently enfold the families gathered within the school.  Parents begged for more time and guidance.  But bedtime, as always, was calling.

     The final workshop of this Series will be facilitated by Kristen Kron and Carrie Evans.  Join us for No Drama Discipline: Redirecting and Reconnecting on Tuesday, December 3^rd.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org

When our Child's Thinking makes them feel Lousy

     Behind every negative self-talk comment, or anxious child, or feeling of never doing anything right, our kids are only showing us the surface, says Heather Davis of BuildingConfidentKids.com
There's always something deeper going on besides just the symptoms we see on the outside.  We're only getting part of the story....

     So, what do you do as a parent in a situation where your child's mood has shifted? 

      Well, you need to become a detective... but not just any detective.  Remember, there's always motive behind how your child reacts, and it may not even be related to the current situation.  

     Students at Nederland Elementary are learning that their self-talk, thoughts, beliefs and opinions are directly connected to how they feel and then how they act.  

     A child's mood change usually means that they are processing beliefs they have about a situation.   Being a detective doesn't mean we barrage them with questions.  We instead need to help our children hear that SILENT VOICE in their heads that explains their beliefs.  When they are experiencing negative self-talk, they feel lousy and act accordingly.   Beliefs usually determine how a person reacts to adversity and therefore produces the consequences. 

   It is key to ask yourself, "What story am I telling myself?"   "How does my body feel when I think this way?"  and "What am I doing or avoiding because of these beliefs?"  Our negative thinking actually changes our biochemistry and cause us to feel depressed, hopeless, or anxious. 

   Some key points to try when your child's mood has gone sour: 

1.  Ask them "What are you thinking about?"

2.  Identify the things that are consistently pushing their buttons; notice which uncomfortable emotions and behaviors they trigger.

3.  Watch their pattern of reacting.  Do they blame themselves or others?  Do they view their problems as temporary or permanent?  (You'll probably notice some themes.)

4.  One habitual reactions are recognized, you can help your child pull them apart and think of alternatives.  Most of the time focusing on what they did well in a situation or what good came out of  it will start to re-frame their thinking. 

     The other key thing to remember is to ask leading questions that help your child understand the complexity of problems as you guide them step by step through a series of possibilities rather than jumping to conclusions.  

    When we are able to entertain positive, encouraging thoughts about ourselves, others, and the situation, our mood lifts and our actions become more productive.  When we head into a situation assuming the worst, we plant a seed in our mind that that's just the way it is going to be.  But if instead, we re-frame our thinking and change our mindset, we might just be surprised at the domino effect.  Parents can serve as their child's wise Wizard Brain and help insert optimistic thinking into a discouraging or stressful situation. 

     Our prefrontal cortex helps us TALK BACK to the negative thinking that is automatically generated in our reptilian brain.  Our higher order thinking can help a child process these kinds of questions which will help them shift into their Wizard Brain thinking too:

    a.  Is there another way to look at this situation?  Is the glass really half empty or half full?
    b.  Is there anything to be grateful for in this situation?
    c.  Why is the way I'm thinking NOT true?  Can I separate my opinions from the facts?
    d.  Can I separate the person from the problematic behavior they are displaying?
    e.  What can I do to encourage myself and keep being the best person I know how to be?  

     The way we speak to ourselves matters.  Re-framing our thinking an be the difference between being stuck or being flexible, between giving up or being resilient, between low self-esteem or high self-compassion.  So help your child talk to themselves like they would talk to SOMEONE THEY LOVE.