3 Tips to Help your Kids Cope with Anxiety

      Janine Halloran, guest writer for imperfectfamilies.com, shares a few ideas from her new workbook: Coping Skills for Kids, which includes 75 strategies and ideas to try at home.  If your child struggles with anxiety and stress, here are 3 tips to help them learn the skills they will need to get through frightening moments:

It’s close to midnight when the storms that have been threatening all day finally arrive.

The rain pounds on the skylights, lightning flashes, and thunder roars.

The rain is getting more intense when all of a sudden, the lights go out. There are a few surprised shrieks, then rustling in the dark for flashlights and candles.

Suddenly, my daughter bursts into tears and wails “I don’t like storms and I really hate blackouts!”

When our kids get stressed or anxious, they need help and support to figure out ways to cope with it.

It’s our job to teach them what they can do in those moments, just like we teach them to brush their teeth or write their name.

TALK IT THROUGH AND REASSURE THEM

Ask about what’s bothering them. Use open-ended questions instead of closed questions. You may be surprised at what the real cause of the issue may be.

Address their questions and help reassure their concerns as much as you can.

I rub her back and lead her back to her bedroom as she’s crying. She tells me through tears that she doesn’t like blackouts because she thinks spiders are going to come into her room. I reassure her that spiders want to hang where they can get food, not by people who can squish them.

GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO HOLD

It could be a special stuffed animal or a blanket. It could be a small stone or shell. It could be a fidget toy. Sometimes just holding onto an object can help a child feel more calm.

She grabs her special stuffed brown bear and crawls into bed.

DISTRACT THEM BY PLAYING GAMES

Sometimes when kids feel stressed, you can take the stressor away. Are they in too many activities? You can drop one. If the sound of the vacuum bothers them, you can choose to vacuum when they’re not around.

But some things, like storms, are inescapable. The best thing to do is to try to find a highly engaging activity and to help them “escape.”

We talk about different things she can do to take her mind off the storm and spiders. I suggest we start playing a game that requires our minds. She stops crying and we start playing.

Starting with A, we go through the alphabet and list animals we can think of. A – Alligator, B – Bear, C – Cat, D – Dog. We take turns thinking of animals and we finally get to Z.

The storm is subsiding but the lights are still out. We go through the alphabet again, with the added challenge of using all new animals.

Stress and worries will happen in our children’s lives, but we can help them learn to successfully weather the storms.

Janine Halloran is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the author of the Coping Skills for Kids Workbook, with over 75 coping skills for kids to use to deal with anxiety, stress, and anger. Learn more at copingskillsforkids.com.

This week, older students are discussing performance anxieties they may have as we enter the month of CMAS testing.  Each student has selected several coping strategies that help them before and during test taking.  Encourage your child to utilize brain breaks, deep breathing, positive thinking, getting a good night's sleep, eating healthy snacks, muscle relaxation, and visualization to ground themselves when stressed.

     Parents of Teenagers:   Mark your calendar for April 18th.  Bring your child to the Nederland Community Center from 6 -8pm for TURNING ANXIETY into YOUR SUPERPOWER with Avani Dilger and a panel of teenagers.  

Restorative Parenting in Nederland

    

Nederland's Mountain Strong Families enjoy dinner and learning together

     “It’s a relief to know that I’m not alone,” said one mother. “I’m not the only one who struggles” with a fair amount of family conflict, sibling squabbles, angry power struggles and hurt feelings in my household.  And yet, she reflected after the fourth Mountain Strong Families presentation, “there are answers.”   Parents gathered at Nederland Elementary School on Tuesday night to hear Erin Siffing and Kelly Taylor Russell, two practitioners from the Center for Prevention and Restorative Justice at the Boulder County District Attorney’s office, explore conflicts and challenging behavior.  TEENS, Inc has taken the lead in hosting these informative and supportive parenting presentations in our community over the last several years and will continue the Series next year. 

    Many parents agreed with one father who said he attended Resolving Family Conflicts; An Introduction to Restorative Parenting in order to create a healthier home life than the one he had grown up with.  Parents were encouraged to consider a paradigm shift when addressing their child’s challenging behaviors.  Siffing contrasted a restorative approach with the two styles of discipline most of us are familiar with – the shaming and controlling nature of a punitive style and the warm but boundary-less approach offered by a permissive style.  In contrast, Restorative Parenting seeks to combine the setting of strong boundaries with a positive nurturing relationship and skill-building. 

     There is a long history of cultures utilizing a restorative approach to misbehavior and crime dating back to various Native American traditions.  So, it was fitting that parents gathered in Nederland Elementary School’s “Kiva” – a room designed from our Colorado native heritage to host problem-solving conversations between the community.  Restorative Practices has  become a growing national trend in school settings and throughout the criminal justice system.  Its main focus is on repairing the relationships that have been harmed, holding folks accountable, and reintegrating transgressors back into the community.  The philosophy is just as helpful for parents, families, and educators.

     When parents are triggered by their child’s behavior, we are operating from our reptilian brain and want to snap at and judge our child’s choices, said Siffing.  Restorative practices interrupts this typical cycle of conflict:  where the child doesn’t listen => the parent doesn’t feel heard => the parent doesn’t listen => the child doesn’t feel heard => and round and round the argument goes.  

     THE FIRST STEP in interrupting this ineffective conflict cycle is to utilize needs-based communication.  When there is misbehavior or conflict, a Restorative parent diffuses the situation by figuring out the basic human needs and emotions underlying the problematic behavior.  By listening attentively and validating the child’s feelings through re-framing and summarizing, the parent demonstrates they understand the child’s needs.  For instance, when the child says:  “You’re so mean.  You never let me do anything I want,”   the parent considers the feelings of being hurt or resentful and the need for independence or empowerment.  The parent’s thoughtful (wizard brain) response could be: “It sounds like you really want to do this on your own.  You seem frustrated because it feels to you like I’m getting in the way of that.”  Reflective listening helps diffuse the intense emotion experienced by the child.

    SECONDLY, Taylor-Russell encouraged parents to share their own feelings, needs, concerns, and values with their child.  Try to “honestly own what you are bringing to the conflict” by sharing emotion words and your needs rather than utilizing evaluative, judgmental words to blame the child for what is happening inside of you.  (Instead of saying “I feel betrayed”, try communicating “I feel disappointed because I need honesty from you.”)  Marshall Rosenburg, author of Nonviolent Communication, provides great tools to help parents utilize I-statements and Reflective Listening skills.  Sign up for weekly Nonviolent Communication tips at:  https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/parenting_tips/index.htm 

     Along with nonviolent communication, Taylor Russell prodded parents to let everyone take time to cool down in the midst of a conflict to soothe their Lizard brains.  Once everyone has felt understood and validated, she suggested setting a time to reconvene and discuss the situation further so that problem-solving can occur later.   It may be helpful to have a refocusing area in your home where your child can comfortably go to soothe their big feelings and reflect.  This serves as a self-care station rather than a punitive “time out” chair. 

     Taylor Russell shared a THIRD strategy for creating a restorative climate at home.  “You’ve got to make it okay for everyone to make mistakes and accept responsibility.”  Too many kids think they have to be perfect and are afraid to be accountable for what they did for fear of punishment.  “At family dinner time, my partner and I often share how we each messed up that day and how we tried to repair the situation.  We try to model taking responsibility for our own missteps.”  Repair and accountability are stressed over shame and punishment for mistakes. 

     A FOURTH tradition was offered to teach kids effective problem-solving routines when there are conflicts.  Taylor Russell utilizes a circle process or weekly Family Meeting to discuss issues and problems, create expectations, and make family agreements.  This creates a restorative climate and allows family members to cool down before problem-solving.   It is impossible to be logical or creative when emotions are high.  Circling back once a week to reflect on what has happened and repair any harm is a positive routine to foster. 

Erin Siffing and Kelly Taylor Russell, presenters

     FINALLY, Siffing and Taylor Russell demonstrated how to have a Restorative Conversation with a child.  They waltzed through three key questions in a lively interchange– 

     a.  “What happened from your perspective?”  (The parent helps the child reflect on the their thoughts, feelings and needs with summarizing statements like:  It sounds like you felt ____ because _____. ) 

     b.  “Who was affected or impacted by this situation?”  (Parents help the child explore how they were personally affected and who else was impacted or hurt by their actions.)  

     c.  Thirdly, “What do you need to do to make things right?”  When all threats of punishment are removed from the conversation, the child is more willing to be responsible for their actions.  The parent helps the child consider “If you were ___, what do you think you would need to make things better?"   The parent then checks back in later to see how the restorative gestures went. 

    This Mountain Strong Families presentation merely whet the appetite of parents wanting to help their children develop strong social emotional skills.  “I’m going to have to study these handouts to really learn all this,” said one mom.   Another mother thanked the educators at Nederland Elementary School for teaching these skills to her young children.  “My younger kids are so much better at expressing their feelings and needs than my older child who didn’t learn this."  Althea Abruscato, Restorative Practices Coordinator at TEENS, Inc, supports Nederland Elementary School as the educators there work to adopt a more restorative approach to discipline. 

   Two more Mountain Strong Families -sponsored events will occur in April:

   On April 3^rd, from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Middle Senior High School, parents consider how to have effective conversations with their children about vaping, alcohol and drug use.  RSVP for the SPEAK NOW! event to kari.green@bvsd.org  FYI:  Parents are the number one reason kids don't drink or use drugs.  

     On April 18, experience a lively workshop to “Turn Anxiety into your Superpower” with Avani Dilger and a panel of youth from 6 -8 pm at the Nederland Community Center.  Parents are encouraged to attend together with their teenager.    

     For more information about the Mountain Strong Families Series, contact ann@teensinc.org     

    

25 Things that Impact your Child's Behavior

     

     Students at NES are learning to distinguish between their NEEDS and their WANTS.  “Wants” are specific requests for something we think will address one of our unmet needs.  But the reason we ask for specific things is because of our “why?” All humans are trying to meet an assortment of basic human needs.  When we don’t get them met, we have strong emotions. It is helpful to look at the five categories of human need identified by Abraham Maslow since they influence our behavior and emotions every day:

Physical Needs-- food, water, warmth, shelter, rest, sleep, exercise, touch

Need for Safety-- predictability, order, security, reassurance, trust, loyalty, harmony, peace

Social Needs-- acceptance, affirmation, cooperation, nurturance, belonging, connection, inclusion, communication, community

Need for Power and Mastery-- achievement, competence, acknowledgement, participation, empowerment, equality, fairness

Self-Actualization Needs-- celebration, self-expression, creativity, meaning, purpose, inspiration

    Think about how your daily existence and mood are affected when any of these needs are unmet.  One local counselor suggests that parents utilize the acronym H.A.L.T. when trying to understand what is going on with your child.  Ask yourself: “Are they
Hungry/hangry? Anxious? Lonely? or Tired?” when they exhibit big emotions or make behavioral choices that upset you.     

    When any basic human need is unmet, it creates uncomfortable feelings in us.   If any of your child’s behavior is baffling or difficult to address, ask yourself if any of the following factors may be contributing to it, says Nicole Schwartz from
imperfectfamilies.com.  Here is her list to get you thinking:

1. Sleep
2. Hunger
3. Thirst
4. Overstimulation
5. Understimulation
6. Big life changes (moving, starting a new school, death of a loved one, separation or divorce)
7. Diet
8. Allergies and food intolerances
9. Learning challenges
10. Processing speed
11. Learning style
12. Friendships
13. Feeling unsafe
14. Vision and hearing problems
15. Medical conditions
16. Mental health diagnoses
17. Activity level
18. Screen time
19. Fears and worries
20. Lack of routine, structure, or clear understanding of what comes next
21. Difficulty reading social cues
22. Insecurities and shame
23. Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings
24. Temperament and personality type
25. Developmental stage

     It is clear from this list that our physical needs, the need for stability and security, the need to belong and be accepted for who we are, the need to demonstrate competence, and other basic human needs identified by Maslow, can be causing big emotions and challenging behavior in our children.  When we focus on meeting their needs & empathizing with a child’s feelings, we begin to address the root causes of the behavior and realize effective solutions to the challenges of the day.

Five Questions to Ask When Your Child Acts Out

     

      Nicole Schwartz ( imperfectfamilies.com) offers Five Important Questions to Ask when your child is acting out.  These questions tie in nicely with the communication and self-regulation skills students are learning in their Social Emotional Learning classes at Nederland Elementary School.  Students are asked to think about their emotions and the underlying needs they are trying to meet.  When humans have unmet needs, we then experience and express uncomfortable feelings.  Sometimes, we parents forget to look for those clues behind the unwanted behaviors.  As a parent coach, Schwartz writes --

     Let's be honest.  In the middle of a meltdown, my first question is:  "How do I get them to calm down?"   In the middle of a disagreement, my goal is:  "How do I get them to agree with me?"  In the middle of an argument, I plead:  "How do I make this stop?"   And if we're being totally honest.... we know that these are the wrong questions.

    When we start with these questions, we see our kids as the problem.  We put ourselves on the defense and we usually aren't focused on connection and empathy.  But, there is truth at the heart of these questions.  We want to know how to help our child work through their big feelings.  We want to have proactive and positive conversations.  And, we want to feel confident and in control.  It can happen!   But first, we need to explore a few alternative questions.

     1.  What's triggering me about this situation?  There's a reason you feel upset in the heat of the moment.  Maybe you're feeling stressed, overwhelmed, tired  (what are your needs right now?)  Maybe you feel pressured, undermined, or embarrassed.  Maybe it reminds you of something from your childhood.  The more honest you can be answering this question, the better you will be at creating a solution to help you stay (or return to) calm.  

     2. What role do I play?  Interactions with your kids are like a dance.  Your child says something, you respond.  You say something, your child responds.  Being curious about this "dance" can help you see how your words, body language, and actions impact the situation.  It also may help you understand what your child may gain from engaging in this "dance" with you.  

     3. What need(s) is my child's behavior expressing?  Every behavior has a purpose.  Your child may not consciously be thinking through their actions, it may be an unconscious act to fill a need.  Maybe they need attention from you or connection to you.  Maybe they are feeling powerless or need more opportunities to have their own choices.  Stepping back from the situation may help you explore these underlying needs.

     4.  What else is impacting their behavior?  Even though behavior may seem to "come out of nowhere," when you take time to be curious, you may identify a number of things that led to the tantrum or argument.  Things like feeling overstimulated, tired, hungry, having difficulty with transitions, or feeling jealous of a sibling, can all impact behavior.  Here are a list of needs to explore.

     5.  What skill(s) does my child need to learn?  Sometimes, behavior happens because your child is lacking the knowledge or ability to do things differently.  Rather than expecting them to just "miraculously" discover these abilities, you may need to go back to square one, teaching them these basics, clarifying the steps, role-playing a conversation, or taking the time to practice a new skill together.  

     These questions are just a starting point.  Give yourself time and space to think through these questions.  Don't rush to solve the problem, impose a consequence, or try to get your child to settle down immediately.  

    Breathe.  Be patient.  Gaining clarity about the situation will help you respond in a positive, respectful way.  

     For more strategies to use in the midst of family conflicts and challenging behaviors, join parents on March 12th for an Introduction to Restorative Parenting from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School (free dinner and childcare provided when you RSVP at 720-561-4861).