There are many ways to help children
develop an awareness of how others are feeling.
1. We can point out the facial expressions and body language exhibited by people to see if a child can pick up on the
underlying emotion being portrayed externally. “Did you see the
checkout clerk’s jaw tighten and body stiffen when the cash register drawer
wouldn’t open?” Another fun game is to help your child pay attention to the tone of voice used so they understand the feelings that lie beneath the
surface. “I could hear the hesitation in dad’s voice when he offered
to pick us up. Did you hear the delay in his response or the lack of a
strong response when he said ‘Sure’? How do you think he was feeling?”
2. Sibling conflict situations are another great time to ask
kids to consider how the other person is feeling. Dr. Laura Markham
(ahaparenting.com) notes that conflict
is part of every human relationship, because every relationship has two people
with different needs and perspectives. Our job as parents is to teach our
children to manage that conflict in ways that bring them closer. What doesn't
work is jumping in to decide who is right and who is wrong. Not only are we not
teaching our kids to work anything out, but we're inadvertently reinforcing
sibling rivalry, by demonstrating support for one child over the other.
On the other hand,
research shows that if we just "let them work it out" without
guidance, the more powerful child wins, and we're reinforcing bullying
behavior. But there is a better way, one that teaches lessons your
children will use to build healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.
a. If they're struggling, take a
deep breath to calm yourself before you intervene.
b. Offer empathy to both children by
stating their perspective. Say
what you see them wanting in
the situation, or why they're acting as they are
(even if you don't agree with them.)
c. Help each child express their
feelings and needs verbally to the other child, without attacking.
3. And yet, one of the best ways to teach children to be empathetic of
others is by modeling empathy for
them. Cecilia Hilkey (Happily Family) provides examples in this 5-minute video of how parents can
respond with empathy when the child is defiant: Empathetic
Parenting
4. However, when
you notice that things have turned sour and a conflict with your child is
escalating, Dr. Markham shares the idea of asking
for a “do-over”. Kids love to pretend. They instinctively
use play to heal emotional wounds. And they love the idea that together you can
rewrite the script to create a better ending. So Do-Overs can be the perfect
way to repair when you're off track. Do-Overs acknowledge that we aren't
perfect -- but we're family, and we'll always work things out.
Here's how:
a. Stop, Drop and Breathe. When you notice you've somehow gotten
on the wrong path, just Stop. Drop your agenda, just for a moment. Your goal
first is to calm yourself and reconnect. Take a few deep breaths, and say
"I'm sorry, I was getting anxious. Let's have a do-over, ok? What I
meant to say was......"
b. If you were a less than stellar role
model in the anger management department, you'll have to apologize before suggesting the Do-Over. Don't
worry, your child won't lose respect for you. He'll see that maturity means not
being perfect, but being willing to take responsibility, make amends and try
again. (How (and When) To Apologize To Your Child)
c. Reconnect with a big hug before you
suggest the Do Over. She needs to
know you still love her before she's ready for play. And remember that many
children need to discharge a little emotion before they're ready for a Do-Over,
so she might burst into tears either when you apologize, or even a few hours
later. She's not only letting go of her anger, but the fear of losing you that
was triggered by your conflict.
d. It's ok not to be perfect, but if
you find yourself apologizing to your child frequently, that's a red flag to
get some more help with your parenting.
e. Agree on a family signal that your
children can use if you don't notice your voice getting louder. My daughter would interject "Mom,
is it time for a do-over?" whenever I started to get upset.
Before long, she began using it as a way to regulate her own emotions or heal a
rift between us.
f. Don't be surprised if your kids
start asking for Do-Overs when
they've drawn your ire. Be generous and always let them start again. You want
them practicing their best selves; it trains the subconscious to produce that
good behavior as the default.
So next time you find yourself in the
middle of an emotional train wreck with your kids, try a family Do-Over to
practice using a more empathetic response. You'll find you can always rewrite
the script for a happier ending.
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