Differences Do Matter.... and Talking about them helps us Raise Compassionate Kids

     This week, NES students are focusing on having empathy and showing compassion for others.  Shauna Tominey, author of Creating Compassionate Kids; Essential Conversations to Have with Young Children, writes to parents and caregivers:

     Coming from a multicultural family, I grew up in a household where multiple cultures were celebrated and multiple languages were spoken.  I was taught that differences don't matter.  I heard this same message echoed in our predominantly white community, so I believed it. 

     The first real conversation I can remember having about race was in high school.  Our sociology teacher asked us each to write down a list of words that defined how we saw ourselves.  Our teacher later shared that every year, the one or two African-American students in his classes always wrote the word “Black” first.  So why was it that none of us wrote down the word, “White?” After graduating from high school and moving around the country, I quickly realized that the idea that differences don’t matter just isn’t true.  Differences do matter.  They matter a lot.

  When we teach children that differences don't matter, we do it with the best of intentions. Without intending to, however, we may be ignoring that there are children and families whose lives are defined every day by their differences. We can all point to an example of how we (or our children) feel different or don't fit in. Sometimes this helps us practice empathy. Sometimes it leads us to overlook the fact that the way differences impact our lives is not equal.

Rather than teaching children that differences don't matter, what if we teach children that differences shouldn't matter, but that they do? As we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, let's consider how we can help children learn to recognize the similarities with others, acknowledging the struggles we have with differences in our society, and learn to celebrate these differences.

Try these strategies with the children in your life:

1. Talk about the qualities that make us and others who we are. Help children learn about who they are and who they will become. Teaching children self-awareness often begins with conversations that focus on qualities that we can see in our children or expect our children to develop, but these conversations can't end here. We can also help children learn about qualities that others have too so that they can develop a greater understanding for people who are similar to or different from themselves. Draw self-portraits with your child. Look at pictures of yourselves or into a mirror as you draw. talk about the different colors you see and try to match your skin, hair, and eye color in your artwork.

2. Focus on shared feelings. Help children focus on the fact that we all have feelings as a way to build empathy. Ask questions like, "How do you think s/he is feeling?' or thing out loud, "I wonder how they are feeling?" Ask about different feelings that your child has during the day. Taking your child's feelings seriously will help them learn to do the same for others.

3. Teach children that differences do matter. Talk with children about the fact that people sometimes look at or treat others differently because of the color of their skin, how they look, how they talk, how they move, or for other reasons. Let your child know that this is never okay (unless someone needs a special accommodation that is helpful for them). Brainstorm together ideas for what to do if and when you see this happening at school or in the community.

4. Use storybooks to highlight diverse experiences and role models. Read many different books with your child that include diverse characters. Find role models in story books that are similar to and different from your child. Do a book scavenger hunt. Try to find books that have different types of people and families in them. Talk about the types of families that were easiest to find in books, and the types of families that were the most difficult to find. Ask your child, "How do you think it feels to families who cannot find books showing families that are similar to their own?"

5. Strive to learn more and be inclusive within your own community. Serve as a positive role model for the children in your life by showing interest in learning more about other individuals and families. Participate in community cultural events and get to know other families in your community. Tell your child stories about how you learned about your own family culture when you were young.

Too often, individuals and families from non-dominant groups carry the responsibility to educate others, to explain themselves, or even to defend themselves. If we actively teach our children to value themselves and others for our similarities and differences, we can share this responsibility as we strive to create an increasingly compassionate community for all children.

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Here are some books to read with your children which offer ideas about how to create a fair and just world for everyone:

§  Based on the true account of the life of astronaut Ron McNair, Ron’s Big Mission by Rose Blue and Corinne J. Naden finds a young Ron discriminated against because of his skin color at the library when he wants to check out a book.

§  In A Taste of Colored Water, author Matt Faulkner teaches a civil rights lesson from the historical example of segregation at the water fountain.

§  Use Sit-In: How Four Friends Stood Up by Sitting Down by Andrea Davis Pinkney to help students find out what fairness issues they might consider resolving with a peaceful protest.

§  Looking after Louis by Lesley Ely finds Louis, a child with autism, getting extra recess. Will his friend understand that it’s fair because it’s what he needed when he needed it?

A few more strong titles include:
§  It’s Not Fair! by Amy Krouse Rosenthal
§  Mine! by Kevin Luthardt
§  Not Fair, Won’t Share by Sue Graves
§  Rotten and Rascal: The Two Terrible Pterosaur Twins by Paul Geraghty
§  Share with Brother by Steven Layne
§  Squirrel’s New Year’s Resolution by Pat Miller