How Do We Get Those Kids to Behave!?!

A parent wonders about rewarding her child’s good behavior:  “I’ve been trying to shift my parenting away from a rewards/punishment system to a more intuitive, connected style. My issue is that my daughter goes to a school where they have the traffic light system for behaviors.  She is ‘well behaved’ and almost always on the green light.  Today she asked if I could make her a traffic light system for her ‘good choices’ at home.  I tried to explain that the best ‘reward’ was the satisfaction of making the choice herself… but she still wants tangible, external recognition for controlling her impulses. She gets lots of validation and acceptance for who she is at home.  I want her to feel that making the right choice is reward enough”.

Dr. Laura Markham, from Ahaparenting, responds:  A behavior-rating system assumes that children CAN do what we’re asking and are simply choosing not to.  We may think we are rating behavior, but children think they are being evaluated as human beings.  And yet all children want to feel good about themselves, to be thought of as good people.  If they don’t behave, it’s because they need help to learn to manage themselves physically and emotionally.  Unfortunately, with reward and punishment systems that try to manipulate behavior, many children get locked into a cycle where they come to feel bad about themselves.  

Markham suggests having this conversation with your child:

“We have a traffic light inside us… It helps us to be the people we want to be, and to make the best choices in our lives.  Some people call that your INNER COMPASS.  A compass is like a GPS that tells you when you made a wrong turn.  That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just helps you get back on track.

It feels good to make choices that are green.  We feel right, inside ourselves, as we see the result.  Sometimes we make choices that are red, and then we have to get back on track and clean up any mess we made.  And we all have IMPULSES, every day, that are between green and red.   We all get that yellow warning light sometimes, letting us know that we are about to make a choice that isn’t green, which will take us in a direction we don’t want to go.  It’s so important that we PAY ATTENTION to that feeling.    Ask your child --

*What else makes you feel green inside, like you are headed in the direction you want to go?

*What makes you feel the yellow light, like you need to pause and pay attention to help you make a choice that feels right inside?

*When have you felt the red light that tells you that you made a wrong turn?

     "Little children need to do exactly as they’re told because they don’t really understand how the world works, like the fact that the stove is hot, or the street is dangerous.  It keeps them from getting hurt.  But as you get older, it’s important that you learn to think for yourself, not to just do what someone else tells you.  Even adults don’t always know what’s right for you.  And sometimes other kids will encourage you to do things that will make that yellow light go on inside.  You’re the only one who knows what’s right for you and you can always find that inner compass inside to find your way.   Your job is to notice that feeling in your body that tells you when you’re about to make a wrong turn.  It isn’t always easy to choose to do what’s right, but every time you listen to your inner compass, you get better at finding your way.”

     Since a lack of impulse control is at the root of many behavior problems, Amy Morin, from VeryWellFamily.com, lists several Ways Parents can Teach Impulse Control.   An impulsive 6-year-old may hit wen he doesn’t get his way and an impulsive 16-year-old may share inappropriate content on social media without thinking about the potential ramifications.  Rather than relying on rewards and punishments, teach your child the SKILLS to think before she acts--

 Teach your Child to Label Feelings-- Kids who don’t understand their emotions are more likely to be impulsive.  A child who can’t say, “I’m angry” may hit to show she’s upset.  Teach your child to recognize her feelings so she can tell you, rather than show you, how she feels.

Ask your Child to Repeat Directions -- Start your instructions by saying, “Before you move, I want you to explain the directions back to me.

Teach Problem-Solving Skills-- Teach your child there is more than one way to solve a problem.  Encourage her to find five potential solutions before taking action.  Help her evaluate which solution is most likely to be effective. 

Teach Anger Management Skills -- Low frustration tolerance may cause impulsive outbursts.  Show your child specific strategies, like taking a few deep breaths or walking around the house to burn off some energy.  Create a calm-down kit filled with tools that will help him relax when he is angry.  Encourage him to place himself in this calm-down area before he gets into trouble.

Establish Household Rules -- Create clear rules and explain the reasons behind your family’s rules.  Make your expectations known before your child enters new situations.  “We’ll be using our indoor voices in the library and our walking feet in the grocery store.”

Provide Structure and Be Consistent -- Offer reminders like, “You need to hold my hand in the parking lot when we get out of the car,” each and every time you go to the store.  Whenever possible, keep your child’s routine the same.  Less chaos can reduce impulsive behavior.

Be a Good Role Model -- Model appropriate ways to wait patiently and tolerate delayed gratification.  Point out impulse control techniques that you’re using by saying things like, “I’d really like to buy that new laptop but I’m going to save my money for our vacation next summer.”  Self-talk plays a major role in helping kids manage their impulsive behavior.  Model healthy self-talk by saying, “This is a long line but we have to wait patiently for our turn.”  Talking to yourself out loud will teach your child how to develop their own inner dialogue.

Encourage Plenty of Physical Activity -- A child who has had an opportunity to run, jump, and climb will be more self-disciplined.  Limit your child’s screen time and encourage her to play outside whenever possible. 

Play Impulse Control Games -- Simon Says, Red Light Green Light, and Follow the Leader will give your child fun opportunities to practice self-control.

Kids have either begun to master social emotional skills or they still lack them.

They aren't Bad Kids, they just need more practice.