Reframing our Thoughts about our Child's Challenging Behavior

   

     "My son's extremely picky eating habits often drove me crazy.  My daughter's roller coaster of intense emotions also strained my nerves.  I often thought of my children's challenging behaviors as only negative, until one day our family doctor referred to my son as a "selective and cautious eater" instead of "picky."  I was also reminded that my daughter's strong-willed behavior would probably take her far in life when a friend recommended reading Raising Your Spirited Child:  A Guide for Parents Whose Child is more Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka.  Substituting the word "spirited" for other words I normally used to describe my daughter (like difficult, stubborn, impossible) changed how I thought of her developing personality.  I began re-framing my current frustrations by using new concepts.  And it changed my world...."  

             ~ A mother's confession and self-reflection

     If you have ever caught yourself defining your child in an entirely negative light, see if a change in language and a focus on the positive aspects of their behavior, changes how you feel and how you interact with your child.  In the list below, your child's worst behaviors may actually denote underlying personal strengths, real needs, or the natural expression of emotions if re-framed in a positive vein:

Bossy becomes... Good Director or Natural Leader
Clingy becomes... Affectionate
Conceited becomes... Confident
Crabby becomes... Communicates Needs
Dawdles becomes...  Easy going or Mindful
Defiant becomes... Strong Beliefs or Courageous
Demanding becomes... Assertive
Dramatic becomes... Expressive
Fearful becomes... Careful
Fussy becomes ... Discerning Tastes and Needs
Goofy becomes ... Entertaining
Impulsive becomes... Spontaneous
Lazy becomes... Needs Encouragement
Loud becomes... Exuberant
Manipulative becomes... Understands People
Messy becomes... Practicing Skills
Mouthy becomes... Expressive
Naughty becomes .... Explores Boundaries
Nosey becomes ... Curious or Inquisitive
Quiet becomes ... Reflective
Sensitive becomes... Aware of Feelings
Shy becomes... Inner Directed or Values Trust
Talkative becomes... Good Communicator
Talks Back becomes ... Courageous or Honest
Tattletale becomes... Seeks Justice
Timid becomes... Careful
Wants Attention becomes... Loves being with you
Whiney becomes ... Needs Assurance

     It is also helpful to flip your thinking from seeing your children as "always" or "never" displaying certain qualities.  "Always" and "Never" thinking keeps  us parents locked in our reptilian brain -- reacting to our children's challenging behavior instead of calmly responding to the teachable moments of childhood.  
     Instead of focusing on all the things your child does wrong,  think of the power of seeing your child in the process of developing him/herself.  She/He will get it right sometimes; other times you will need to coach her/him through a difficult situation. In your head, try swapping the thought "My child always..."  into  
                     "My child has a hard time when...."  
                     or, "My child needs...."   
                     or, "My child is learning to....."  

   This week, NES students are studying how positive thinking and positive self talk can change their mood and their approach to a situation.  As parents, we can model for our children how positive thinking gives us hope to conquer the tough aspects of our lives.