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Helping your Child Listen to their Body

   

      Emotions are "energy in motion" pulsating throughout your body.  An important skill of emotional intelligence is being able to notice the physical sensations in your body that indicate you are experiencing an emotion and be able to  put a name to it.

      Children don't automatically make the connection between an upset stomach and anxiety, or a hot face and anger, or a heavy chest and sadness.  When they learn to pay attention to the messages their bodies are giving them, they develop self awareness about their emotional state.  When they mindfully listen to their bodies, they will know what they are feeling and what they need.  This also allows children to "catch" themselves as they begin to feel an emotion; to soothe themselves before they get completely dysregulated.  When they are aware of their inner world, it helps them decide what self care strategies they need to ease their strong emotions and help them connect to their thinking brains.

      To help children develop this skill, parents can model (1) noticing their own body sensations, (2) putting a feeling word to it, and (3) doing something to help themselves regulate their emotions.  For instance, "I'm starting to breathe faster and my face is hot and red.  I know that means I'm getting really frustrated because you haven't done your chores yet.  I'm gonna take the dog for a walk and when I come back I should be ready to talk with you."

     Another way to help children of all ages tune into their emotional state is to practice mindfulness together.  Mindfulness can help children be aware of the way their body reacts physically and emotionally to life's challenges.

     Every day at Nederland Elementary, the entire school pauses to clear our minds, slow our heart rate, and breathe deeply as we begin our day.  Mindfulness instructor, Patti Schrader, leads exercises during the announcements.  Neuro-scientists have shown that slowing ourselves down in a regular practice leads to greater self awareness and calmer emotions, as well as greater attention for learning and compassion for others.  This year-long curriculum provides a predictable, soothing start to each day.

     Families may want to explore various Mindfulness apps to use as a regular part of your child's bedtime routine as well.  The apps can help your child achieve a relaxed state in preparation for sleep.  These apps include short, developmentally appropriate exercises that have been specifically designed for use with children.  They are a great tool to guide children through a short breathing exercise -- tuning them into their body and balancing their nervous system.

 Mindfulness Apps for Kids

     Smiling Mind includes the most extensive library of meditations to use with children aged
    7 -12  years, teens and adults.  FREE.

     Meditations for Kids by Highly Meditated includes 10 short themed meditations as well 
     as relaxing environmental sounds/musical pieces.  They use guided imagery to help children
     manage worry and anxiety, everyday stress, fidgeting, and fear of the dark.  Age 6+.  $

     Dreamy Kids by Taylan Wenzel includes meditations and guided visualizations that can be
    combined with relaxing background ambient sounds.  Free app has a limited number of 
    resources, but further programs can be purchased. 

     Wellbeyond Meditation for Kids includes 5 short meditations with themes about focusing
     on the present moment, feelings, kindness, and sleep.  FREE

     Stop, Breathe & Think Kids includes a series of short, video meditation "missions" with 
     seven categories-- quiet, focus, caring and connecting, energizing, meltdown, open mind, 
     and sleep.  FREE.

     Super Stretch Yoga integrates visual images of children doing 12 simple yoga poses.  It 
     helps younger children to stretch their bodies, rest their minds and focus their breathing.  For
     ages 4+.  FREE.

     Sleep Meditation for Kids by Christiane Kerr  only includes one free 13 minute guided 
     meditation.  Further meditations can be purchased within the app.  For younger children and 

    teens.  FREE. 

Reframing our Thoughts about our Child's Challenging Behavior

   

     "My son's extremely picky eating habits often drove me crazy.  My daughter's roller coaster of intense emotions also strained my nerves.  I often thought of my children's challenging behaviors as only negative, until one day our family doctor referred to my son as a "selective and cautious eater" instead of "picky."  I was also reminded that my daughter's strong-willed behavior would probably take her far in life when a friend recommended reading Raising Your Spirited Child:  A Guide for Parents Whose Child is more Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka.  Substituting the word "spirited" for other words I normally used to describe my daughter (like difficult, stubborn, impossible) changed how I thought of her developing personality.  I began re-framing my current frustrations by using new concepts.  And it changed my world...."  

             ~ A mother's confession and self-reflection

     If you have ever caught yourself defining your child in an entirely negative light, see if a change in language and a focus on the positive aspects of their behavior, changes how you feel and how you interact with your child.  In the list below, your child's worst behaviors may actually denote underlying personal strengths, real needs, or the natural expression of emotions if re-framed in a positive vein:

Bossy becomes... Good Director or Natural Leader
Clingy becomes... Affectionate
Conceited becomes... Confident
Crabby becomes... Communicates Needs
Dawdles becomes...  Easy going or Mindful
Defiant becomes... Strong Beliefs or Courageous
Demanding becomes... Assertive
Dramatic becomes... Expressive
Fearful becomes... Careful
Fussy becomes ... Discerning Tastes and Needs
Goofy becomes ... Entertaining
Impulsive becomes... Spontaneous
Lazy becomes... Needs Encouragement
Loud becomes... Exuberant
Manipulative becomes... Understands People
Messy becomes... Practicing Skills
Mouthy becomes... Expressive
Naughty becomes .... Explores Boundaries
Nosey becomes ... Curious or Inquisitive
Quiet becomes ... Reflective
Sensitive becomes... Aware of Feelings
Shy becomes... Inner Directed or Values Trust
Talkative becomes... Good Communicator
Talks Back becomes ... Courageous or Honest
Tattletale becomes... Seeks Justice
Timid becomes... Careful
Wants Attention becomes... Loves being with you
Whiney becomes ... Needs Assurance

     It is also helpful to flip your thinking from seeing your children as "always" or "never" displaying certain qualities.  "Always" and "Never" thinking keeps  us parents locked in our reptilian brain -- reacting to our children's challenging behavior instead of calmly responding to the teachable moments of childhood.  
     Instead of focusing on all the things your child does wrong,  think of the power of seeing your child in the process of developing him/herself.  She/He will get it right sometimes; other times you will need to coach her/him through a difficult situation. In your head, try swapping the thought "My child always..."  into  
                     "My child has a hard time when...."  
                     or, "My child needs...."   
                     or, "My child is learning to....."  

   This week, NES students are studying how positive thinking and positive self talk can change their mood and their approach to a situation.  As parents, we can model for our children how positive thinking gives us hope to conquer the tough aspects of our lives.  

Getting the Wizard Brain talking to the Lizard Brain during a melt down

     Your child is learning how their brain works and how this affects their behavior, well being, and relationships.  There are three parts of our brain that influence our ability to process social and emotional information:

1.  The BRAINSTEM is the oldest part of the brain.  It oversees automatic functions like breathing, digestion, and heart rate.  It speaks to us through physical sensations and lets us know when we are feeling physical pain, a racing heart, tight muscles or butterflies in our stomach. These physical sensations can change based on the emotional energy that is pulsating through our bodies.       You can help your child focus their attention on the sensations in their body to get clues about what they are feeling.  “I notice my shoulder feels tight. … I must be stressed out from my workload this week.  What do you notice your body is telling you?”

      2) The LIMBIC SYSTEM (or Lizard Brain) in the mid-brain is composed of the amygdala, hypothalamus, hippocampus, etc.  This is where emotions are created to send us important info about how we are feeling and should respond.  This is also where the fight or flight mechanism is quickly triggered to keep us safe.  This survival mode is constantly on alert, scanning for danger and making our bodies react quickly and unconsciously to perceived threats.  Our first response to everything is an emotional one.  The Lizard Brain interprets every intense emotion we feel as Fear-- making us overreact to small social challenges until our Limbic System is soothed and reassured.  During a meltdown, the Lizard Brain temporarily “takes over” control of our brain -- spewing words and exhibiting behaviors that can feel explosive and hurtful. 

   Thinking about emotions can get our rational brain integrated back with our limbic system.  Young children often do not know how to identify what they are feeling.  Helping them put feeling words to their experience is crucial to helping them regulate their intense emotions. 


     3)  The “thinking” part of our brain (PREFRONTAL CORTEX or Wizard Brain) which is in the front of our brain continues to develop until our mid-20’s.  It helps us utilize language, creativity, problem solving, logic, predicting, planning, and empathy in our decisions.  During meltdowns and throughout the teenage years, adults often serve the role of helping a child find these calmer, rational, kinder, thoughtful responses to life’s challenges.

     As long as a child’s Wizard Brain is not talking directly to and modulating their Lizard Brain, the Limbic System is left in complete control.  Caring adults can utilize a few techniques to help the child regulate their emotions and give the steering wheel back to their wise Prefrontal Cortex—

a.  Focus on Soothing, Safety and Security.  Use a calm tone of voice, open body language while moving down to their level, and a calming presence with few words so as not to escalate the situation.  Phrases like “This is hard.”   “It’s okay, we’ll get through this,” speak directly to the lower brain and reduce the child’s/teen’s fear and anxiety when things aren’t going their way. 

b. Name it to Take it.  Help the child identify which emotions they are feeling in the moment.  Be a translator.  Hear the message underneath their message.  Help your child think about emotions to help the thinking part of their brain start to get back in control.  Naming our feelings soothes the fight or flight mechanism. 

c. Regulating your own breathing and identifying your own emotions while empathizing with your child can deescalate the situation.  You will be sending calming mirror neurons that your child picks up on.  You will be helping their Wizard Brain work along with their Lizard Brain to think about how to address the situation that has triggered their emotions.  Practice regulation strategies together -- 10 deep breaths, going for a walk, counting backwards to 20. 

Practice Making a Hand-Brain that doesn’t Flip Your Lid!   

* Pick a feeling together and think of a time you each felt it strongly -- Worried, Embarrassed, Angry, Excited, Disappointed. 
* Make a hand-brain that has flipped its lid (with fingers flung wide open.) 
* Think and talk about where you feel that feeling in your body.     
* Fold your fingers over your thumb as you practice a calming strategy together.     
                 

Social Emotional Learning and Mindfulness at NES

     

     The Social Emotional Learning and Mindfulness program at NES helps students become more skillful with their own emotions and in building positive relationships with others. Neuroscience research has shown that if you don’t have skills to work with your strong emotions and with the emotions of others, it can be very difficult to learn.  When we are upset, the part of our brain (pre-frontal cortex or Wizard Brain) that does our thinking and problem solving doesn’t work very well   Being able to manage our emotions, communicate feelings and needs, and resolve conflicts with others are important skills to develop in school as well as to be successful throughout our lives.

   On a daily basis, students at NES are taught to PAUSE, THINK, and then RESPOND. Our emotional Lizard Brains (Amygdala and Hypothalamus) urge us to react quickly and impulsively.  PAUSING to attend to our emotions helps us make better choices and select thoughtful responses.  Our bodies are continually sending us signals about the emotions inside of us.  When we develop the habit of paying attention to and mindfully noticing what is happening in our bodies, we know when to PAUSE and calm down before we respond.  This means we need to already have the habit of paying attention to our bodies as a regular part of our lives.  We can acquire this new mindfulness habit by taking time each day to turn our attention inwardly to our thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Each day, NES students and staff begin by closing our eyes, taking a few breaths to slow down and then “scanning” their whole body to discover the sensations and feelings before they may overwhelm us.  Developing this Self-Awareness occurs during our Moment to PAWS.

    When we notice something is going on inside of us, we PAUSE or STOP talking, doing, or moving.  We take deep “belly” breaths to activate the part of our nervous system that helps us calm in the face of anxiety or excitement or frustration.  Students are learning to identify and select a variety of coping strategies to help with Self-Regulation of their thoughts, emotions, and behavior before deciding how they will Respond.

    Another goal of Social Emotional Learning and Mindfulness is to develop empathy for others and the courage to Respond compassionately.  When students can understand how other people are feeling, they are more likely to be kind to them.  This also makes it easier to solve problems and resolve the conflicts which are a natural part of life.  

   Humans are born with the ability to empathize with others and relate to them.  But to get the full benefit of this gift, we need to cultivate it so that even when someone makes us mad or hurt, we can remember to ask, “What might that other person be feeling?”   The more comfortable we become with what goes on inside of us, the easier it is to understand others and what they might be experiencing when they do something to upset us.  

  Remember to ask your children what they are learning each week in their BrainWise Social Emotional lesson.  Ask what they notice after taking a Moment to PAWS.  One way these skills can be reinforced at home is by coaching your child to breathe deeply before problem solving when intense emotions crop up.  Follow the order of this brain science approach to social emotional learning with yourself or your children:  (1) Reflect, (2) Regulate, (3) Relate and Reason, (4) then Respond.

** PassageWorks, Institute in Boulder shares this valuable description of Social Emotional Learning and Mindfulness as it trains educators to work with children.

Learning How to Make Peace with One Another

   

     At NES, children are learning to handle their conflicts by using a tool known as THE PEACE ROCK or a TALKING PIECE.  Any child is welcome to use the Peace Rock or Talking Stick when they have a problem to resolve with another person.  When approached with the peace rock or talking stick, the other child (or adult) is asked to stop what they were doing and listen.  When the first child has said what they needed to say, they give the rock or talking stick to the other person, signaling their chance to respond.  The talking piece is passed back and forth until the issue is resolved, at which time both children hold it together and say, "We made peace."   Montessori schools use a similar practice, as illustrated in THE PEACE ROSE by author Alicia Jewel, to help children use mindful speaking and mindful listening to work through a conflict. Peace is not seen as an end state; peace is a process.   See this process in action--

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgXU0lAAeck 

     

     It takes some adult help as the children learn this process, and adults will need to step in and help with particularly sticky situations, but the vast majority of conflicts can be handled with little to no adult intervention if the children have learned to use the helpful prompts below.

     Each day, classes at Nederland Elementary School sit in a Connection Circle and pass around a talking piece to indicate which person gets to share while the others listen mindfully to what they have to say.  Practicing these roles when there isn't any conflict helps create the routine of responding in this manner when issues arise.  Students will be bringing home a talking piece they made this week that parents may want to use when siblings have conflicts, or for family meetings when the family tries to solve an issue together.  

     Here are prompts to help children talk with one another:

     1.  Say what emotion you are experiencing.   "I feel...."
     
     2.  State the problem without blaming.  "When...."

     3.  Say what you would like (or need).    "I would like..... because I need...."

     4.  Listen for what the other person is feeling and needing.  Repeat what you heard 
          them say before sharing your side of the situation.   "You are feeling... and would
          like...."

     5.  Brainstorm how to fix the issue and get agreement from each other on which idea 
          to try.   

 Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me....

Pinwheels for Peace at Nederland Elementary School

celebrating the International Day of Peace.