The Mountain Strong Families Series comes to Nederland!
The youngest ones waddled in. The older
children sauntered in like they owned the place. Families burst through the doors of Nederland
Elementary School to grab a warm dinner before the presentation began. A few
parents of teenagers ventured back to the school where their almost-grown
children once played and learned.
On Sept 18th, Nederland Elementary officially lit up the night by hosting the Mountain Strong Families Series. TEENS, Inc is partnering with NES, NMSHS, and a dozen local counselors to create a supportive monthly gathering for families. The first presentation, Calming the Chaos, was facilitated by Kelly Davis, a counselor working at both NES and NMSHS. Davis coaches staff about how to build social emotional competencies in their students. This evening, the focus was on helping parents respond to their child’s strong emotional reactions and problematic behavior.
Davis’ Mountain Strong Family mantra was best summed up as (1) Reflect, (2) Repeat, and then (3) Redirect. For (1) reflection, parents were encouraged to always pause and put their hand on their hearts to check in with their own emotional state before they respond to their child’s misbehavior. “How am I feeling right now? Am I calm enough to handle this well?” Our own calm composure sends invisible messages via mirror neurons in our brains which indirectly help our child calm themselves.
We also learned about the power of “Labeling the Feelings” behind our child’s behavior – or Reflecting that emotion in words to the child instead of just talking about the misbehavior. “You seem really frustrated right now with your brother when he took your book.” Or, “I wonder if it makes you feel sad when you don’t have anyone to play with?” We often start talking about behavior with children and forget to hone in on the underlying emotions and unmet needs of the child.
Counselors keep reminding adults to see that “all behavior is communication.” Parents were encouraged to look for the feelings and needs underneath the problematic behavior being displayed. “What is my child trying to tell me?” Reflecting their emotional state back to them in words teaches children awareness of what they are feeling and helps expand their emotional vocabulary. Eventually, children will be able to use assertive statements to convey what is going on inside of themselves. When adults verbally reflect what they sense the child is feeling, the child is able to begin regulating their emotional response. Connecting language to an emotional state utilizes one part of the child’s brain to soothe the emotional part. This helps the child regulate their intense emotion and be more open to changing their behavior. This all requires a shift in parental thinking from “they are GIVING me a hard time" to “they are HAVING a hard time expressing feelings and getting their basic needs met.”
The second skill that parents practiced was (2) Repeating or summarizing what their child was saying. “I don’t want to go to bed!!!!!” may simply get repeated and stated as-- “You don’t want to go to bed yet.” When your teenager slams his door and walks away, it gets repeated as something like --“It looks like you are really mad and don’t want to talk about this right now?” rather than “Do not slam that door, I’m talking to you, young man!” It takes work for parent to become adept at paraphrasing, summarizing, repeating word for word to convey empathy instead of taking their child’s reactions personally. All of these techniques help a child feel understood and enables them to begin to lower the intensity of their emotions. This type of response helps a child move into the problem- solving portion of their brain to respond to the situation. Even if you don’t agree with what they are saying, you are showing that you get what their perspective is. You are taking the time to walk in their shoes before finding a solution. Again, this helps younger and older children know that you have taken the time to empathize with them.
After children have begun to regulate their big emotional reactions and have felt understood, it is then easier for parents and children to find solutions through (3) Redirection or problem solving. But a child is far less likely to follow directives if they don’t feel you have first connected with how they are feeling, perceiving, and experiencing the world. Parents are serving as the child’s not- fully- developed prefrontal cortex-- soothing their emotions & building neural pathways to rational problem- solving approaches. When parents don’t respond in this way, children fail to learn how to rationally and creatively solve social problems.
Finally, Davis helped parents think about what (4) Routines and Family Rituals they consciously do with their children/teens. Predictable routines like family dinners 4X per week or family walks on the weekend, and rituals that add meaning to our lives, i.e. taking time to be grateful, using a talking piece to share an ooh, an ahh, and a blah from our day, are essential for building strong connections between parents and children. Without purposely and continually trying to build a strong relationship between parent and child, our children will be less inclined to follow our requests or adhere to the boundaries we attempt to draw. Regular routines and family rituals are foundational to calming the child’s amygdala, or emotional center of their brain. They help children feel secure, loved, and believe that life has meaning.
One parent of an NMSHS student acknowledged that parenting challenges change when kids are older. The issues may change to use of substances, depression and lack of motivation, anxiety or peer pressure. She wished “other parents of middle and high school students would join the Mountain Strong Families group” and talk about how everyone is trying to stay connected with and guide their sons and daughters as they face the middle and high school years.
Neuroscientists have determined that the rational and creative problem- solving part of our brains does not fully develop until age 25 or later. If you are experiencing big emotional outbursts or immature, impulsive or risky behavior by your child, this is perfectly normal – based on our current understanding of how children and teenagers develop. The key is to develop a parenting approach that helps the neural pathways develop between your child’s emotional, limbic system and the part of their brain that needs to soothe their feelings and works to solve their problems.
“This was wonderful,” said one young mother, “It was just what I needed.” Monthly Mountain Strong Family gatherings will occur throughout the year. Various local counselors will present on topics including stress management, improving communication in families, and restoring relationships when there is family conflict.
If you are wondering how and when to help your child who is struggling with anxiety, depression, substance use, ADHD, or eating disorders, register for Mental Health First Aid --- offered on Oct 12th from 8 -5 at TEENS, Inc. Contact jen@teensinc.org to learn more.
On November 13, local therapist Carrie Evans and Kristen Kron, NES school counselor, will share key strategies for reducing your child’s stress and anxiety.
Together, we will raise
emotionally grounded children and young adults!
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