Practicing Empathetic Listening with Children

     Students have been practicing mindfully  listening to others with their whole bodies in order to detect the underlying feelings and needs that the speaker is conveying.  The best way for children to learn this social skill is for the adults in their lives to respond to them with empathy.    Try asking your child how they use every part of their body to listen to others.....

Empathy: Foundation of Emotional Health 

By Dr. Laura Markham  AhaParenting.com

When a parent bestows the gift of empathy on a child, that visceral connection changes everything.

I see parents and children make breakthroughs every day. And guess what makes the most difference? Empathy. If we can actually see things from our child's perspective, everything changes.

This doesn't mean agreeing with our child, or letting him do whatever he wants just because we understand why he wants to. But it does mean that while our child doesn't get everything she wants, she gets something better: Someone who understands and accepts her, no matter what. It also means that once we understand our child's perspective, we can intervene to help her meet the needs that she was trying to meet all along, from connection to feeling valued. 

Empathy is the foundation of emotional intelligence; it’s also the foundation of effective parenting, according to John Gottman, the author of Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. Why? Because it’s essential to your ability to understand your child and connect with her. Because it will prevent you from visiting on your child all the issues from your own childhood. And because without it, your child simply won’t feel loved, no matter how much you love her.

Empathy is often defined as seeing things from the other person’s point of view. But empathy is actually a physical event, controlled by the insula in our right brain. The structure of the right brain is formed during the first two years of life, before your baby becomes verbal. Scientists suspect that the right brain is the orchestrator of intimacy. The insula connects the brain with the heart, digestive organs, and skin. 

So when our heart leaps, or our stomach turns, or our skin crawls, the insula is sending us a message. And when we feel deep empathy, we feel it in our bodies. That means a more accurate definition of empathy is “feeling” from the other person’s point of view.

Empathy strengthens the relationship bond. Empathy helps the child to feel understood, less alone with her pain and suffering. Empathy heals. And the experience of empathy teaches the little one about the deepest ways that humans connect, providing her with a launching pad for every future relationship.

How do children develop empathy? It happens naturally, as part of healthy emotional development, as long as children experience empathy from their caretakers. That's why parenting with empathy is a double gift to your child: In addition to your empathy helping him learn to manage his emotions, experiencing your empathy will also help him to develop empathy for others. This giving of empathy is also a gift to you, because children who feel your empathy are much more cooperative in accepting your guidance. Translation: It makes parenting a lot easier!

But most parents find the idea of parenting with empathy anxiety-producing. How exactly do you “do” it?

You already know. Every time you say, “I know how you feel” or “Looks like you had a hard day,” you’re being empathic. Every time you rise above your own feelings to see things from your child’s point of view, that’s empathy.

Sounds simple, right? Then why is empathy so powerful? Imagine empathy as a mirror that you hold up to your child. Your acknowledgment of what he’s feeling helps him to recognize and accept his own feelings, which is what allows them to resolve.

Humans are creatures of passion. Emotions are constantly arising within us, influencing our moods and actions, and then passing away. Think of the strongest emotions you’ve felt in the past month, and then imagine how powerful your child’s emotions are, given his inexperience and intellectual immaturity. Kids are swept with passionate feelings many times a day. They need their parents to help them learn to navigate this world of emotion, so that they don’t get swamped by its intensity. Most of the time, when children (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. We don’t have to act on them, or even to like them, merely to acknowledge their presence.

Repressed feelings, on the other hand, don't fade away, as feelings do that have been acknowledged. Repressed feelings are trapped and looking for a way out. Because they aren't under conscious control, they pop out unmodulated, when a preschooler socks her sister, or a seven year old has nightmares, or an eleven year develops a nervous tic.

Our acceptance of his emotions teaches our child that his emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable. Everyone has felt this, there’s even a name for it! He feels understood and accepted. He learns that he isn’t alone to cope with the crush of his powerful emotions.                   What Empathy Isn’t:

Permissiveness.

You can (and should) set limits as necessary. And then acknowledge his unhappiness about those limits. Don't be defensive. It's important to your child that you're able to tolerate his disappointment and anger at you, and that you love him even when he's not in touch with his love for you.

Solving the problem.

Your goal is to let him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself, not to solve it for him. When he expresses his feelings about something, you'll want to listen and acknowledge, rather than jumping in with solutions. That means you'll have to manage your own anxiety about the issue.

Agreeing.

Accepting his feelings and reflecting them does not mean you agree with them or endorse them. You are showing him you understand, nothing more, and nothing less. And if you’ve ever felt understood, you understand just how great a gift this is.

Probing.

"Tell me how you feel" is not empathy. Empathy is mirroring whatever she's showing you.

Trying to change the feeling or cheer the person up.

I promise you, empathizing with the bad feeling is the fastest way to let it dissipate. Arguing her out of the bad feeling just pushes it under to resurface later. After she has a chance to notice, accept, and express the feeling, she will feel ready to move on to a change of scene and topic. And you've given her the message that ALL of her is acceptable, including her yucky feelings.

Arguing with the feeling.

That just invalidates him.

                                What Empathy Is:

Listening without the pressure to solve anything.

Don't take it personally. Breathe. Detach.

Acknowledging and Reflecting.

 "You sure are angry at your brother." or
"You seem worried about the field trip today."

Resonating.

Match your reaction with his mood. Being a bit downcast because his team lost the soccer game doesn't merit a reaction from you as if someone had died. Similarly, mechanically parroting "It can be hard when your boyfriend splits up with you" is likely to evoke hysteric rage from your teen.

"When children feel understood, their loneliness and hurt diminish. When children are understood, their love for their parent is deepened. A parent's sympathy serves as emotional first aid for bruised feelings. When we genuinely acknowledge a child's plight and voice her disappointment, she often gathers the strength to face reality."  -Haim Ginott

Parenting the Upset Child with Empathetic Responses

What Your Child Wishes You Knew 

When S/he Acts Out by Dr. Laura Markham

"Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm overwhelmed with some big feelings here....I don't know what to do with them... They're bubbling up inside me and I feel so scared and sad and mad...I'll do anything to make these feelings go away, including hit someone... No, don't you come close offering me hugs... that would send me right into tears... I feel safe when I'm with you, and that makes all these feelings even more intense. It must be your fault I'm feeling all these bad feelings! I'll drive you away by any means necessary!"

Don't you wish your child could just TELL you she's feeling this way, instead of screaming "I hate you, you're the worst Mom (or Dad) in the world!"?

But when your child is "acting out," it's because she CAN'T articulate those feelings. The only thing she can do is "act them out."  It's her way of sending you an SOS. 

So next time your child misbehaves, remind yourself that you're his emotion coach. He doesn't understand these big feelings that are overwhelming him and driving his bad behavior. He needs your help to feel those tears and fears he's been stuffing all day, all week, all year. Once you help him feel safe enough to let those feelings up and out, they'll melt away. He'll feel so much better. Which means he'll act so much better.

How?  Empathize. "You seem so upset. You didn't want ________. You wish that______ . Do I have that right?"

That might be enough to get him cooperating. Or maybe he'll launch into an anguished account of how unfair life is, and what a terrible parent you are. This isn't disrespect. This is your child communicating his pain in the only way he knows how. Just listen, nod, and acknowledge. "So you feel like I'm being unfair when..... No wonder you're upset.... You wish I would....." You don't have to change your decision. Just acknowledge his perspective.

Then give him a hug and say "Sweetie, Thanks for explaining that to me. I see your view now and I see why you're upset.... I'm sorry we can't do it your way. This is the way it is this time, because it's important to me that _____________. But I do hear you. Let me think about this, and we'll talk about it again."

Often, just feeling understood is enough to defuse your child's upset. Over time, as she learns that you really will think about it and look for win/win solutions, she'll be more likely to go along with your requests at this point.

But what if her response to your empathy is to get more upset? That just means the feelings are big and she needs your help to go through them. How? Play when you can, on a daily basis, or before an upset is big. Otherwise, Cry when you have to.

1. Play.  Giggling vents the same anxieties (which means fears and stresses) that crying does.  And it's so much more fun!  Every child needs a roughhousing session of giggling every day, just for emotional maintenance. 

Physical play releases oxytocin and other bonding hormones, so it reconnects you with your child and repairs the erosion in your relationship that's caused by daily life. If the giggling comes from games that help your child process fears (like peekaboo or chase games), it also works directly on any backlog of emotion. And if your child is acting up, sometimes keeping your sense of humor and setting the limit playfully is enough to help her feel reconnected, so she wants to cooperate. "Whoa, Girlfriend! Shoes don't go on the couch! What do you think this is, a barn? Moooo....Mooo.....!" might be the perfect playful intervention to get your kid laughing as she takes her shoes off and begins making animal noises with you. Crisis averted, connection repaired.

(Please note: Tickling doesn't seem to provide this release; it's automatic physiology, as opposed to the psychological process that happens when mild fear releases through giggling. And tickling, even when children giggle, often makes kids feel powerless. The child may seem to be having fun, but she can't HELP laughing. If your child begs for tickling, try "threatening" to tickle by moving your hand close but not making contact. That will still elicit the giggles, but they're psychological, not physical.)

2. Cry. But what if your child is so wound-up that a playful overture would make him mad? Then he's past the point where play can help.  It's time to cry. 

Behind that anger, tears are already welling up.  If you can help him feel safe enough, he'll go past the anger to the healing tears that will wash away all his upset. 

How do you help him feel safe?  Compassion. Don't take anything he says personally. Don't let your buttons get pushed. Don't feel that you have to "correct" his rudeness -- there will be time for that later. Instead, get in touch with your deep love for him and summon up as much kindness as you can.  Then empathize. "This is hard, I know.....I'm sorry,  Honey. I see how unhappy this makes you."

He may yell back at you. That's okay. Stay compassionate. "You must be so upset to use that tone of voice with me. What's wrong, Honey?"  If you can stay compassionate, rather than attacking back, he will probably burst into tears.  Welcome them.  Hold him, if he'll let you. Don't try to talk. Breathe and remind yourself that your role is to help him cry by providing an emotional safe space. Talking would shut off the tears, and he needs to get them out.

If he stops crying, remind him of whatever limit is making him angry: "I'm so sorry we can't do that right now."  As long as he's crying, your goal is to tap into as much upset as you can, to help him empty that full backpack of feelings that have been making him so demanding or rigid.

Should you reprimand him for disrespect? No. Just create safety. Later, he'll probably apologize without prompting.

I know, your childhood training didn't really prepare you for this.  You were probably told to stop crying when you were little--maybe not so sweetly.  So your child's crying may well make you anxious, ready to shut it down at any cost. 

But emotions only go away once we feel them.  Until we do, they're stuck in the body, bubbling up and driving behavior. So your child really needs you to accept his emotions and help him breathe his way through them.  That's the path back to his natural sense of well-being and connection, the only foundation from which he can choose to "act right."

Your child can't tell you this.  But next time s/he acts out, you'll know.

NES students have been practicing using Whole Body Mindful Listening skills to empathize with each other.  We are reflecting back and summarizing the feelings and needs underlying what another person has said or shown us.  You can help your child develop EMPATHY FOR OTHERS by utilizing a compassionate response to their strong feelings (as noted above in the reposting of Dr. Laura Markham’s AhaParenting.com article).

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor NES, Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc  ann@teensinc.org

Teaching EQ when Emotions Run High

     At NES, we are helping children learn how to manage their emotions and respond to others who are having intense emotions.  Here are some ideas about how parents can help with these important Social Emotional lessons in a re-posting of Dr. Laura Markham's Aha! Parenting.com article:  

Teaching Emotional Intelligence When Emotions Run High

When storm clouds brew, even the most well-intentioned parent can get triggered and escalate the upset rather than calm it. But when your child wrestles with the more "difficult" human emotions, he needs your help to learn how to manage them. This is the most important time to teach emotional intelligence. Here's how.

1. Regulate Your Own Emotions.

Children won't always do what you say, but they will always, eventually, do what you do. Kids learn emotional regulation from us. When we stay calm, it teaches our child that there's no emergency, even if she feels like there is at the moment. 

Of course, you can't stay calm when you're running on empty. That's why maintaining our own sense of well-being is one of our most important parenting responsibilities. 

Most of us keep it together fairly well until our child gets upset. Remind yourself that you don't have to "fix" your child's upset, or stop your child's emotions. Instead, just accept what they're feeling and maintain your own equilibrium. 

The other time many parents get angry is when we get upset at our child and start disciplining. But it’s especially important to stay calm and see your child’s perspective as you’re setting limits. There's no reason at all for blame or punishment, which shame kids and make them misbehave more. Aim for firm limits, set with empathy:

"I'm sorry, Sweetie, I know it's hard to stop. It's bedtime now, and you can play more tomorrow. Now it's time to say Goodbye, Game. Ok, I'm turning it off. I see that makes you sad. You wish you could play all night, every night, don't you? Come, let’s make sure we have time for a story. What should we read tonight?"

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

• The child's brain is actually learning to calm and soothe itself in response to the parent role-modeling self-regulation.
• When we set limits with an understanding of the child's perspective, the child is less likely to resist the limits. When kids give up what they want to follow our limits, they're building the neural pathways for self-regulation.

2. Accept all emotions, even as you limit behavior.

Of course you need to limit your child's actions. He can't run in the street, throw his dinner on the floor, hit his sister, or play on the computer all night. In every case where your child's behavior is clearly unacceptable, set a limit. (If it isn't "clear" whether the behavior is acceptable to you, just ask yourself if you're okay with being flexible, and be sure not to push yourself past your own comfort level.)

But even while you limit behavior, your child is allowed to have, and to express, all her emotions, and that includes feelings of disappointment or anger in response to your limits. Children need to "show" us how they feel and have us "hear" them, so meltdowns are nature's release valve for children's emotions. Instead of banishing your child to her room to get herself under control (which gives her the message that she's all alone with those big, scary feelings), hold her, or stay near and connected with your soothing voice: "You are so mad and sad right now. I am right here, you are safe."

Once the storm passes, your child will be cooperative and affectionate, and feel so much more connected to you because you tethered her through her inner tornado. Ignore any rage or rudeness during a meltdown; your child is showing you the depth of her upset. AFTER the storm is the time to teach, not during. And you'll find that not much teaching is really necessary once you help your child with her feelings. That's because she already KNOWS the expected behavior, she just couldn't control those big emotions. Your soothing support is the first step of her learning that skill.

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

• When we allow ourselves to feel an emotion, it begins to dissipate. But when we try to push the emotion out of our awareness, it doesn't go away. We just lose the ability to control it. So the first step in learning to regulate emotions is to allow them, to become aware of them.
• When we give children the message that all emotions are okay, they befriend their emotions instead of stuffing them. That allows them to begin to self-regulate.
• Once kids can regulate their emotions, they can regulate their behavior.

3. Respond to the needs and feelings behind problem behavior.

Children WANT to have happy, warm interactions with their parents. They want to be good people. Misbehavior comes from overwhelming feelings or unmet needs. If you don’t address the feelings and needs, they’ll just burst out later, causing other problem behavior. Examples of responding to needs:

Connection: "It’s hard to let go of me this morning. Starting school has been fun, but you miss time with Mommy. I will be right here to pick you up after school, and we’ll snuggle and play together and have special time, ok?"

Healthy sense of power/ agency: "It looks like you want to do this yourself! I’m right here if you need some help.”

Sleep: “You're having a hard time this morning. I think everything is a bit too much for you because we all got to bed late last night and didn't get quite enough sleep. Maybe we need to spend some cozy time this morning on the couch reading books together."

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

• Children usually can't articulate their needs. But when you help them tune into their inner experience and give them language to express their needs, they get better at understanding themselves and learn how to advocate for themselves in an appropriate way. 

4. Remember that anger is always a defense against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt or sadness.

When your child expresses anger, he's not being rude. He's defending himself against feeling those more vulnerable emotions of hurt or fear. Acknowledge your child’s anger, but then go under it to empathize with the deeper emotions spurring the anger. Feeling those deeper emotions will melt your child’s anger. 

What about “Hate”? Don't get distracted. Your child is just throwing the nuclear option at you to show you how upset he is. Hate is not a feeling at all, but a “position,” or a stance we assume to protect ourselves. Empathize as if your child was simply expressing anger, which he is.

"You hate the new baby? I hear you. Sometimes you get really mad at her just for being here. And I see how mad you are at me, too, for spending time with the baby. You liked it better when it was just you and me. You feel so sad that things are different now and I am so busy with the baby. Come snuggle with me and I will hold you and you can tell me your sad and mad feelings. When you're ready I will kiss your nose and toes and we can play baby games, just you and me, like we did when you were a baby."

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

• Since many parents had scary experiences with anger as young children, we’re often frightened of our children’s anger. Letting the child know that he isn’t a bad person for feeling rage helps him accept his anger as normal and move through it, rather than getting stuck in it.
• Most of us don’t understand that anger is a defense, so it scares us. Helping kids recognize what’s behind their anger gives them the tools to dissolve it so they aren't driven to lash out.

5. When a desire can't be granted, acknowledge it and grant it through “wish fulfillment.”

It’s amazing how often you can get through an impasse by giving your child his wish in his imagination. Partly this is because it shows you really do care about what your child wants, and wish you could make him happy. But there's another, fascinating, reason. Research shows that the power of the mind is so great that imagining that our wish is fulfilled actually satisfies us for the moment, meaning the part of our brain that shows satisfaction actually looks satisfied on a brain scan! Giving your child his wish in imagination releases some of the urgency behind it so that he's more open to alternatives.

“You wish you could have a cookie. I bet you could gobble ten cookies right now! Wouldn’t that be so yummy?!”

Then find a way to meet the deeper need: "I think you're hungry. It's almost time for dinner but you can't wait. Let's find a snack that makes your body feel better."

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

• All of us have desires that can't be granted. Learning a repertoire of ways to manage those desires, as well as of managing other needs and feelings, is an important coping tool for any child's emotional intelligence toolkit.

6. Don't take it personally, and resist the urge to escalate or retaliate.

Your child has big feelings. They aren't about you, even when he’s yelling "I hate you!" It's about your child: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions. When your daughter says "You NEVER understand!" try to hear that as information about her -- at this moment she feels like she's never understood -- rather than about you. Model emotional self-management by simply taking a deep breath and trying to see it from her perspective. Remind yourself that it's hard to be a kid. She doesn't yet have the internal resources to manage her emotions -- but you do, right?

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

• Our job as adults is always to calm the emotional storm, rather than escalating it. How else will our child learn to do this for themselves?
• When you're emotionally generous to your child, you're demonstrating that she isn't perfect, but you love her anyway -- even when she's at her worst. That's the unconditional love that every child needs to thrive.

Tough? Yes, because most of us find it challenging to manage our own feelings so that we can tolerate our children’s unruly emotions.

But have you noticed the silver lining? We get a chance to grow in emotional intelligence ourselves. Which makes us happier, healthier people. So if you got swatted instead of understood when you were a kid, it's never too late to have a happy childhood!

Developing the Ability to Mindfully Listen and be Empathetic to Others

    

      Mindfulness – 

                  “the ability to attend to thoughts, emotions, body sensations, and our surrounding environment;

                   to be fully present with ourselves and others.”

     Our reptilian limbic system (Lizard Brain), which lies deep within our brains, takes in all the information our senses experience and automatically produces a quick, emotional, defensive reaction.  By practicing being mindful with our senses, slowing down and building neural pathways to our pre-frontal cortex or Wizard Brain, our responses can become more measured and thoughtful.  Our decisions are then based on empathy and compassion instead of an intense, knee-jerk reaction focusing only on self-interest and survival. 

    To build strong neural pathways and robust neurons within our child’s pre-frontal cortex, BrainWise lessons  this month at NES have included experiential activities which help students become mindful see-ers, listeners, tasters, touchers, and smellers.  Primary students practiced mindfully tasting a raisin over the course of 10 minutes.  (What an exercise in patience and impulse control!) They took time to notice the texture, uniqueness, size and shape, and finally the sweetness of a single raisin.  We then noted a huge list of people who worked to bring the raisins from the field to our classroom.  This mindful eating exercise develops a sense of others who contribute to our well being.  Students also practiced guessing various aromas and discussing what memories were elicited by each smell.  They learned that we can self-regulate our emotions to some degree by utilizing aromas that trigger happy memories in our hippocampus of our favorite people and places. 

     Second and third graders are practicing mindfully seeing their world – paying closer attention to subtle changes in the mood of their classmates as they observe changing facial expressions and body language.  Mindful listening exercises helped them practice taking turns talking with a friend, staying on topic, and summarizing all that they heard.

    Fourth graders worked to convey a message using only their sense of touch.  They realized how easy it is to misunderstand nonverbal communication which composes 90% of what is communicated.  Students practiced using their senses and Wizard Brain to develop mindful listening skills.  They listened attentively with their whole bodies to be able to accurately decipher a classmate’s emotions and the events that caused it.  Giggles and excitement filled the classroom as students became better aware of the social skills they will need to understand another’s point of view and be able to empathize with others.

    Parents can further these lessons by encouraging children to slow down and really observe the subtle complexities of nature, notice and interpret nonverbal messages, or identify one's own emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations.  The more we are aware and attentive, the better able we are to regulate our emotions and work well with others.  Try asking your child “How would others feel in this instance?” as they meander through their day. 

Managing Children's Stress Levels

     During BrainWise lessons, we’ve been talking about how to get relief from the stressors we face in our lives.   Fifty percent of adults in the United States indicate that stress keeps them up at night.  Recently, more teenagers indicate feeling higher levels of anxiety.  Even young children mention testing anxieties, fear of the dark or harsh weather, or stress over conflicts with peers.  At NES, we are encouraging young children to notice when their bodies and minds are stressed and then select their favorite stress relief strategies.  If children can learn and practice various relaxation strategies now, they will have a toolbox full of ideas as they face teenage anxieties and adult pressures. 

     Sometimes we don’t even recognize that we are carrying stress around in our stomachs, shoulders, jaws, or chest.  Perhaps you clench your teeth slightly so your jaw feels tight, or maybe your shoulders become sore. Muscle tension can also be associated with backaches and tension headaches. To become aware of where we hold our stress and then to release it, students learned about Progressive Muscle Relaxation.    This technique helps us tense and then relax the various muscles in our body that are holding stress.  The younger kids pretended to squeeze a lemon with their hands, pull in their stomachs to squeeze through a fence, or pull the head of a turtle into its shell to release tension in their shoulders.  You can create a flip book of relaxation techniques for your child at http://www.kimscounselingcorner.com/therapeutic-activities/fun-and-easy-to-make-relaxation-flip-books.  Have fun practicing this strategy with your kids.  Here is an adult version of relaxing each part of your body: 

 One of the body’s reactions to fear and anxiety is muscle tension. This can result in feeling “tense”, or relaxation can lead to muscle aches and pains, as well as leaving some people feeling exhausted. Think about how you respond to anxiety. Do you “tense up” when you’re feeling anxious? Muscle relaxation can be particularly helpful in cases where anxiety is especially associated to muscle tension. This information sheet will guide you through a common form of relaxation designed to reduce muscle tension. 

General procedure: 

1 Once you’ve set aside the time and place for relaxation, slow down your breathing and give yourself permission to relax.

 2 When you are ready to begin, tense the muscle group described. Make sure you can feel the tension, but not so much that you feel a great deal of pain. Keep the muscle tensed for approximately 5 seconds. 

3 Relax the muscles and keep it relaxed for approximately 10 seconds. It may be helpful to say something like “Relax” as you relax the muscle. 

4 When you have finished the relaxation procedure, remain seated for a few moments allowing yourself to become alert. 

Relaxation sequence:
 1. Right hand and forearm. Make a fist with your right hand.
 2. Right upper arm. Bring your right forearm up to your shoulder to “make a muscle”. 
3. Left hand and forearm. 
4. Left upper arm.
 5. Forehead. Raise your eyebrows as high as they will go, as though you were surprised by something. 
6. Eyes and cheeks. Squeeze your eyes tight shut. 
7. Mouth and jaw. Open your mouth as wide as you can, as you might when you‘re yawning. 
8. Neck. !!! Be careful as you tense these muscles. Face forward and then pull your head back slowly, as though you are looking up to the ceiling. 
9. Shoulders. Tense the muscles in your shoulders as you bring your shoulders up towards your ears. 10. Shoulder blades/Back. Push your shoulder blades back, trying to almost touch them together, so that your chest is pushed forward. 
11. Chest and stomach. Breathe in deeply, filling up your lungs and chest with air. 
12. Hips and buttocks. Squeeze your buttock muscles 
13. Right upper leg. Tighten your right thigh. 
14. Right lower leg. !!! Do this slowly and carefully to avoid cramps. Pull your toes towards you to stretch the calf muscle. 
15. Right foot. Curl your toes downwards. 
16. Left upper leg. Repeat as for right upper leg. 
17. Left lower leg. Repeat as for right lower leg. 
18. Left foot. Repeat as for right foot. 

Practice means progress. Only through practice can you become more aware of your muscles, how they respond with tension, and how you can relax them. Training your body to respond differently to stress is like any training – practicing consistently is the key. 

Ann Sherman, Social Emotional Learning Instructor NES,  Parenting Matters Coordinator TEENS, Inc.   ann@teensinc.org    720-561-4861

Positive Self Talk can change your mood

IMPORTANCE OF Positive SELF-TALK IN KIDS

reposted from Heartofdeborah.com  

As a school psychologist I always enjoyed teaching my students about self-talk. As parents and educators we want to build our children’s emotional intelligence and learning positive self-talk is a great first step! Around preschool age, kids start to engage in simple self-talk. (As parents, we can teach our children how to shift the negative thinking that automatically occurs in their brains into encouraging thoughts that can help them tap into their higher order thinking and creative problem solving mode.) 

WHAT IS SELF-TALK?

Self-talk is what you say to yourself in your head or what you say out loud. Basically what you say to yourself. It can be negative or positive. You may not even realize you have a nonstop inner dialogue going on until you stop and think about it.  We constantly make quick judgments, encourage ourselves and/or complain throughout the day.  

Do you encourage yourself throughout the day? Do you complain a lot in your head?

Start thinking about what you are thinking! Many times the things we think have a great impact on our words, feelings and actions.   ( We can learn how to change how we feel by changing how we think-- consciously substituting positive self talk for the pessimistic ideas in our heads.)

HOW TO MODEL SELF-TALK

As parents we can model positive self-talk to our kids on a daily basis. It may seem silly at first, but it’s great for kids to hear your thought process. I know many pediatricians tell parents to talk about what they are doing because it’s great for language development. I’d encourage you to take it a step further. 

Modeling self-talk is more than just saying what you are doing. It is revealing your feelings in the process. Here is an example. I am making dinner and I am flustered because I don’t have a lot of time. I can model self-talk by saying “I am feeling flustered. I have so much to do! Breathe Lauren. It will be okay. I need to take one step at a time. With a little bit of work I will get everything done.” Kids can benefit from hearing our problem solving and expression of feelings. This is all part of building emotional intelligence.

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GO FURTHER WITH SELF-TALK IN KIDS

Encourage deeper thought in your kids by asking questions. For example, “At first you were frustrated, but then you stuck with it and did it. How did you keep going even when it was hard?”  Even with young children you can talk about feelings and see the skill of self-talk in kids slowly emerge. Teach children coping skills when they are dealing with difficult situations. Talk to them about things they can do to calm themselves down and remind them they can’t always choose what happens to them, but they can choose how they react to it.

Last week, students at NES practiced using Positive Self Talk when they were anxious or frustrated.  Children who are taking standardized testing over the course of the next several weeks can be encouraged to give themselves a positive pep talk before or during the exams.  This practice can send calming messages to their amygdala/Lizard Brain and allow their pre-frontal cortex/Wizard Brain to think through the questions on the exam.

WHINE NOT? Remember to address your child's needs and feelings

The Cure for Whining-- repost from Aha Parenting.com

Should children get what they want by whining? Absolutely not.

Should they learn that they can get their way by marshaling good arguments and making them in a reasonable, humorous, charming way that meets your needs as well as theirs? Absolutely, if you want them to get anywhere in life.

But how to help them make that transition?

Whining is common with toddlers and preschoolers. Parents are usually advised to tell their kids to ask in a "nice" voice, because they can't hear the whiny voice. But whining is a symptom of a deeper issue. So if you want to eliminate whining, you have to address what's underneath.

If your child's whining is driving you crazy, here are six parent-proven secrets to stop the whining. Which secret you use depends on why he's whining.

1. Whining because he doesn't have the internal resources to cope with what's being asked of him:

When humans feel overwhelmed, they get whiny. (As a toddler, he would have thrown himself howling to the ground, but by three or four he can often whine instead.) Meet his basic needs for food, rest, down time, run-around time, and connection with you, or you can count on whining. He may not tantrum as much as he used to, but he will certainly whine if you force him to endure that shopping trip while he’s hungry and tired. Why create a negative situation that stresses both of you and contributes to the habit of whining?

2. Whining because she needs more connection:

Be pre-emptive. Make sure that your child gets enough of your positive attention, unprovoked. Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE she gets demanding. Anyone who's had to ask a romantic partner "Do you love me?" knows that attention given after you ask can never really fill the need. The secret is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn’t asked for, often, so she feels your support and connection.

And of course it's particularly important to connect when she shows the first sign of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide. (No, you're not rewarding "bad" behavior by giving her attention when she's whining. If she were whining from hunger, would you think you were rewarding that by feeding her? It's our job to meet kids' needs so they have the internal resources to cope. Connection is a basic human need, and children can't function well without it.)

3. Whining because she doesn't like what's happening but feels powerless to get her way:

Lawrence Cohen, the wonderful author of Playful Parenting, says:

"When children whine they are feeling powerless. If we scold them for whining or refuse to listen to them we increase their feelings of powerlessness. If we give in so they will stop whining, we reward that powerlessness. But if we relaxedly, playfully, invite them to use a strong voice, we increase their sense of confidence and competence. And we find a bridge back to close connection."

Remember, you're not out to manipulate her, but to connect. Start by letting her know that you hear what she wants, and you see her point of view: "You really want to go to the playground, and you keep telling me that, and here I keep stopping at all these stores that you aren't expecting, and you're disappointed, right?" Sometimes just feeling heard is enough to stop whining in its tracks.

Then, if she keeps whining, you can say playfully "You don't sound like yourself. I wonder where your usual strong voice went?"

Express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game:

"Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...behind the door? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice."

Finally, give her alternate tools by teaching her how to ask appropriately for something and negotiate with you. Since whining is so often a function of powerlessness, helping your child to feel that she can get what she wants through reasonable measures will carry over into the rest of her life.

In other words, you don’t want her to learn that she gets her way in life by whining or tantrumming, but you do want her to learn that she can get what she wants through managing her emotions, seeing things from the other person’s point of view and setting up win/win situations. (And of course, that's what you always try to model.)

So if you simply don't have time to go to the playground today, then don't. Be empathetic about his desire, and nurture him through the meltdown, as described in #4 below. But if your objection is to his whining, rather than his request, and he manages to pull himself together and ask in a reasonable way for what he wants, then you'll be able to engage in the kind of conflict resolution that finds a win/win solution.

“Ok, you want to go to the playground, and I need to stop at the hardware store. Let’s do this: If we're really quick at the hardware store, we’ll have time to stop at the playground on the way home. Think you can help me be quick? And if you are really fast about getting in and out of your car seat, we can stay a bit longer at the playground.”

Are you "rewarding" whining? No, you're empowering him by demonstrating that finding solutions that work for both of you is the way to get what he wants in life.

I often hear from parents that this "empowering with the strong voice game" strategy works like a charm the first time or two, but that after that the child refuses to play. If that's the case, it's because he actually needs something else -- to cry. Which brings us to:

4. Whining because he needs to cry:

He has a lot of pent-up emotions about things that are stressing him -- the new babysitter you left him with on Friday night, that kid who grabbed the truck away in the sandbox, potty training, the new baby -- there's no end of stressful developmental challenges! Toddlers let off stress by simply having a meltdown, but as they get older they gain more self-control, and begin to whine instead. Be kind in response to his whining until you get home and have a few minutes to spend with him. Then draw him onto your lap, look him in the eye and say

"I notice you were feeling so whiny and sad, Sweetie. Do you just need to cuddle and maybe cry a bit? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. I'm right here to hold you."

5. Whining because it works:

Don’t reward whining, meaning don’t give in and buy the candy. But there is never a reason to be less than kind about it. Responding to his desire with empathy ("You are so disappointed that I said no; you really wish you could have that candy...") helps him feel less alone with his disappointment. And there's nothing wrong with finding something else that will make him happy, like a shiny red apple or a trip to the playground. That teaches him to look for win/win solutions. If, by contrast, he feels like he only gets what he wants by whining, he’ll become an expert whiner.

6. Whining because you'll do anything to stop it:

Why do parents hate whining so much? Because whining is your little one's more mature form of crying. She's letting you know she needs your attention. And human grownups are programmed to react to whining much as we do to crying, so the needs of tiny humans get met. So the minute you hear that whine, you react with anxiety. You'll do anything to stop it.

But if you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that there's no crisis, you'll feel a lot better, and you'll parent better. Don't let your automatic crisis mode of fight or flight kick in. Don't feel like you have to solve the problem, or do anything at all except love your child. Just smile at your child and give her a big hug. Most of the time, the whining will stop.