Pausing to Calm Oneself when we are Overwhelmed by our Emotions

     

     Slow Yourself Down and Utilize a Healthy Coping Strategy when you are overwhelmed, upset, or unable to focus.  This is the message your children are learning at school.  Pausing and doing self care gives our brain time to relax and reflect; time to think about how to solve the challenges in our lives.  It moves us from a purely reactive, emotional state into a responsive, problem-solving state of mind.  It allows our nervous system to become more balanced and the emotional and rational parts of our brain to become integrated.  

     Every classroom at Nederland Elementary (and also most classrooms at Nederland Middle School) have a REFOCUS CENTER in them.  This is a place where kids can ask to go for a few minutes when they are worked up, when they've had a disagreement with someone, or when they can't focus on their school work.  There is a quiet place with a soft floor pillow, a reflection manual, and some tools and suggested strategies to select from.  Watch this 2 min video to see how one school has utilized this idea --  Calming Corners in every Classroom 

   Children may appreciate having a similar sort of calming space in your home.  This provides an opportunity for you to introduce healthy calming strategies to your child; to help them soothe and regulate their big emotions instead of being punished for having them.  It is a place to express and experience their feelings through writing, artwork, reading, sensory tools, deep breathing or meditating.  

     Create a calming corner with your child.  Think about where a cozy spot in your house might be.  Think about what calming tools and strategies you might keep in it.  By teaching children that there are healthy options for de-stressing, for feeling their sadness or for working through their frustration, they learn that they can help themselves de-escalate strong emotions.  They have some control when they begin to feel uncomfortable and out of control.  

     Collect some of the following items and help children practice using these strategies to see which ones work best for them in different situations.  Remind children these strategies are "in their toolbox" when they need them.  Talk openly about your favorite healthy strategies for taking care of yourself after a difficult day.  When children notice how we care for ourselves, they can more easily develop self-care practices themselves.  

     Possible Calming Strategies to Try with your Children:

Deep breathing using a pinwheel or bubbles

Deep breathing with a stuffed animal on your belly

Deep breathing while tracing up and down your fingers

Finger breathing (as if you had a Hoberman's Sphere)

Taking a mindful walk outside

Yoga balancing poses

Imagining your favorite place

Picturing the people you care about

Coloring mandalas

Drawing or using watercolors to show how you feel

Saying the alphabet slowly

Remembering the words to a song you love

Running water over your hands

Getting a cool drink of water

Enjoying a hot cup of tea

Rubbing a worry stone or holding a favorite object

Noticing something with all five of your senses

Exercising or doing push ups

Making a fist and then releasing it; massaging the palms of your hands

Talking to yourself in a positive way

Taking a shower or a warm bath

Counting to 100 (backwards)

Listening to music

Tightening, then relaxing muscles from head to toe

Rocking and giving yourself a hug

Watching a glitter jar or liquid timer

Reading about feelings

Playing with your pet or a stuffed animal

Doing a random act of kindness

Listing all the things you are grateful for

Dancing and giggling

Creating with play dough, clay or theraputty

    There are six different approaches to lowering your intense emotions.  See if you can include tools from each of these categories into your child's Cozy Corner:  

    1.  Soothing your amygdala by using your sense of smell, sight, hearing and touch.  Weighted pillows, aromatherapy, liquid timers, soothing music, and sensory toys all fit into this category.

    2.  Moving the emotional energy out of your body.  Exercise, whole body muscle relaxation exercise, a warm bath, tai chi or yoga poses all help release the emotional tension in your body.

    3.  Doing an action to create the opposite emotion within yourself.  Listing things you are grateful for, playing with a pet, dancing and reading jokes, singing your favorite song, imagining your happy place and people who love you are all ways to increase your happiness and decrease uncomfortable feelings.

   4.  Deep breathing is the #1 best way to lower BIG emotions and get you out of the fight or flight mode.  Find fun ways to practice slowing down your breath -- elephant breathing, bumble bee breathing, breathing boards to trace, blowing bubbles, etc.

    5.  Expressing and processing your emotions.  Writing or drawing how you feel, talking to a supportive person, and noticing where in your body you are feeling uncomfortable can help you experience the emotion and let it pass through your body. 

    6. Temporarily distracting yourself.  Doing a puzzle or Rubix cube, sudoku, coloring, cleaning your room, or watching a short video can help you pause and give your Wizard Brain time to catch up with your emotional reaction.  

Creating Deep Connection with your Children

          Every month, parents coalesce at the Mountain Strong Families presentation (hosted at Nederland Elementary School by TEENS, Inc) to support one another, understand their children better, and find helpful ways to respond to challenging behaviors.  In October, counselors Kimberly Bryant and Kestrel Hansen Neathawk welcomed parents of toddlers to teenagers with the following words:  "We are so proud of you for showing up to talk about raising kind, thoughtful, grounded children.  This is not easy work."

     As hard as parenting can be, today's parents have a decided advantage over past generations who wanted to do right by their child.  The field of human development and neuroscience has shed new light on why kids act the way they do, as well as which parenting approach will wire their brains for future success and well-being.

     So, what have we learned from current research?  First, children are more likely to "obey" when they are firmly bonded to us and therefore want to please.  Long before they act out, we want to make sure we are connecting deeply with them.  A ratio of at least five positive, warm and intimate interactions with our children are needed for every time we reprimand them.  If we've gotten into the habit of redirecting our children all day long but are forgetting to fill their emotional bank with close, nurturing memories of being with us, discipline becomes a constant power struggle.  Think of all the ways you can connect deeply with your child -- no matter what their age is -- by telling a funny story from when they were younger, telling them what you appreciate about them, writing in a journal to each other, looking through family photos with them, giving at least a six-second hug, or leaving a surprise love note for them to find.  

     Neathawk and Bryant also discussed the idea of "proactive parenting".  Long before misbehavior and blow ups occur, parents must be aware that all humans will inevitably melt down or lash out when they are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  Bryant encouraged parents to think about the preemptive routines and practices we can build into each day to avert many of these emotional triggers for our children.  Parents bubbled forth with creative and practical ideas to prevent meltdowns -- from creating one easily accessible kitchen cabinet for healthy snacks... to playfully wrestling with their child....from insuring there would be 15 minutes of daily "special time" between them and each of their children... to letting go of some of the "must do" activities like homework.  One parent highly recommended reading The Rhythm of Life by Kelly Matthew for inspiration about how to simplify the pace of family life.

     When it comes to correcting challenging behavior, parents have traditionally reacted with spankings, time outs and consequences.  Recent research in human development challenges all of these past practices.  Modern-day caretakers are strongly encouraged to relinquish all forms of punishment from their repertoire as we learn how humans develop life skills.  Any consequence can feel punitive when we dole it out when we are angry and disgusted with our child.  

     The job of parenting is to figure out what kids are trying to communicate with their behavior.  According to Dr. Dan Siegel of the No-Drama Discipline Workbook, we must chase the "why" behind their disobedience, choices, and emotional outbursts.  When children are misbehaving, something is wrong.  In chasing the why, parents should be asking:  "What is my child feeling? What are they needing?  How can I help them regulate their big emotions and learn strong social emotional skills instead of punishing them for not knowing how else to act?"  

     Siegel focuses on using "time-ins" to empathize with the child while soothing their dysregulated limbic system.  Why are "time-ins" so important for teaching social emotional skills?  Because if the child could get their needs met by thinking of a better way, they would.  But the thinking part of their brain takes up to 25+ years to develop.  Our job is to help the child integrate the emotional part of their brain with the thoughtful problem-solving part of their brain.  When children are misbehaving, they are stuck in their "downstairs" reactionary, survival-mode brain.  In the midst of a tantrum (or melt down by a teenager), children cannot access their rational brain, nor process our wordy lectures.  We must help them regulate before we try to teach and correct the behavioral choices.  Banishing a child to their room to regulate themselves can make a child feel "bad" for having emotions and feel overwhelming for them to do alone.  

          Sitting with a child who is defiant, sobbing or screaming, isn't easy to do.  But this is exactly the time they need you the most.  Saying to a child, "I know this is hard.  You're upset.  I'm here to help you through it," wires positive neural pathways between the emotional and rational brain and deepens the bond between the parent and child.  Punitive reactions have the opposite effect -- severing the parent-child relationship and triggering either fear or a more defensive response in the brain of the child.

     Discussion may need to happen much later when everyone is calmer.  Circling back is always an option.  Connecting deeply to what your child is feeling and needing helps regulate their emotions and eventually opens their "upstairs" brain to talking things through and learning from their choices.  

     The next Mountain Strong Families event will be on Wednesday, November 6th as we learn Communication Tips for a Happier Home.  Come discover strategies for how to "turn down the shark music" in your head before you correct your child.  Practice communicating empathy and comfort to your child in the midst of disciplining them.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org for free childcare and dinner beginning at 5:30 pm.  

Kids who Misbehave are often craving Connection

"Every time you think of calling a kid 'attention-seeking', 

consider changing it to 'connection-seeking', 

and see how your perspective changes."  

~Dr. Jody Carrington

     On Weds, Oct 9th, parents will gather for the next Mountain Strong Families presentation to talk about Connecting Deeply with Our Children in order to Help them Learn.  One aspect of deep connection is being mindful about screen usage when we are with our children.  The bond our children develop to us (or fail to fully develop) is primarily created in face-to-face interactions when we are responding with empathy to their feelings and needs.  Unfortunately, we live in a culture of nonstop screen usage which can interfere with the ability of our children to bond and connect with us; to feel like we are really present with, and there for them.   

     Fewer children are entering Kindergarten with the ability to regulate their emotions.  These skills are developed in face-to-face interactions with caring adults.  If we want our children to have strong social-emotional skills, we may need to rethink our usage of screens when we are with them.  Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed. D. tackles this issue head on in Put Your Phone Away and Pay Attention to Your Kids. She reminds us of the valuable social-emotional lessons our children will miss if we are distracted by our screens.  

     As hard as it can be to limit our phone use, says Hartwell-Walker, below are five important reasons to do so:

1.  Providing positive attention when kids are doing positive things builds a strong value system and positive self-esteem. Responding with enthusiasm to their attempts to master new things ensures that the kids will keep trying.  The "look at me's" you hear on the playground and in your kitchen are your kids asking for your approval and encouragement.  When you do look, really look, and smile and wave, the kids will soak it up.  They try again.  They push themselves to the next level.

2.  Giving kids positive attention also puts a big deposit in their emotional bank.  When kids know that their folks think they have what it takes to handle life's problems, they develop confidence in their ability to take on life's challenges.  When parents put their phones down (or turn off the TV or shut down their computer) and talk to them seriously about what they are doing, their skills grow and their self-confidence blossoms.  Later, when those same kids hit the inevitable troubles in life, they will have what it takes to cope.

3.  Babies light up when bigger people make eye contact and talk directly to them.  They are taking in the rhythm and sounds of our voices.  They are learning the words for the things and people of their world.  They are learning how those words get strung together.  Television doesn't help children learn language.  It's too passive.  They need to experience the give and take that comes with interacting with another warm, caring human being.  Parking them in front of even the best children's TV is no substitute for the give and take that goes on between babies and their parents.  Many parents are amazed when their little one suddenly moves from saying one and two words at a time to a full sentence.  "Where did all that come from?" they ask.  It came from listening to adults who talked to them, not around them because they're on the phone.

4.  Conversation builds brain power.  Little kid's brains are sponges.  The more we talk to them, the more their brains absorb.  Even children who are far too young to carry on a real conversation are taking in far more than adults may realize.  Parents who talk to their kids with complicated sentences are setting them up for success in school and in life.  One and two word answers don't do it.  Commands don't do it.  A momentary break in your phone conversation to acknowledge them doesn't do it either.  Kids need to hear language used to describe and explain their world.  That's one of the many good reasons to read to children.  It's not just for the entertainment of the stories.  It's also an important way for them to hear and take in the richness of language.

5.  Our kids need our first priority to be our relationship with them, not our phones.  Children learn how to be with other people and how to love by being with people who love them, teach them, encourage and comfort them.  Contrary to conventional wisdom, quality time is not a substitute for regular moments of interest, talk, and participation in their lives.  Yes, quality time has a certain special quality.  We all remember big celebrations, vacations, or trips to the zoo.  But those days are special because they are rare.  For kids to grow, they need us to be curious about their experiences and to comment on what is going on around us in an ongoing way. (I love my phone as much as the next person.  I love that it helps me stay regularly connected with my extended family.  I find it reassuring that my kids can always reach me.  I stay in touch with far-flung friends, former students, and family members through Facebook and tweets.  I check the weather, glance at headlines and Google information.  There's no way I want to go back to the old days with a party line on the one phone in the house.)  But kids need us to remember that when we are with them, we need to put our phones away (and confiscate theirs).  Providing kids with direct attention and interested conversation is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting.  

     Research indicates that when we are deeply connected to our children, they are more likely to listen to our direction and guidance.  Karen Young explains this by using our understanding of neuroscience:  

     When our kids or teens feel close to us, they get a juicy dose of oxytocin created in their brains.  This calms the fight or flight response (often exhibited in challenging behavior) and lets the prefrontal cortex switch on.  Every time we are physically close to them, speak gently and warmly, hold or touch them, their brain will release oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the bonding hormone which is released when we feel close and connected to our important people.  The amygdala, which drives the fight or flight response, has receptors for oxytocin.  It's the part of the brain that will throw the body into fight or flight, but it's also wired to calm down when it feels safe.  The way it feels safe is through social connection.  When we gently move close to our children, let them know we see them, loan them our 'calm' , the amygdala will (eventually) calm down.  It will release its hold, switch off the fight or flight response, and make way for the prefrontal cortex (thinking and empathetic part of the brain) to switch back on.  If we want children to be open to learning, our connection with them will be vital in bringing them to a space in which this can happen.  

Learn more about simple techniques for connecting with your child on Oct 9th from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org 

A Body Knows -- Teaching Our Children to Listen to their Bodies

Emotions are "energy in motion" pulsating throughout your body.  An important skill of emotional intelligence is being able to notice the physical sensations in your body that indicate you are experiencing an emotion and be able to  put a name to it.

      Children don't automatically make the connection between an upset stomach and anxiety, or a hot face and anger, or a heavy chest and sadness.  When they learn to pay attention to the messages their bodies are giving them, they develop self awareness about their emotional state.  When they mindfully listen to their bodies, they will learn to know what they are feeling and what they need.  Being mindfully aware of their bodies also allows children to "catch" themselves as they begin to feel an emotion; to soothe themselves before they become completely dysregulated.  When they are aware of their inner world, it helps them decide what self care strategies they need to ease their strong emotions and help them connect to their thinking brains.

      To help children develop this skill, parents can model (1) noticing their own body sensations, (2) putting a feeling word to it, and (3) doing something to help themselves regulate their emotions.  For instance, "I'm starting to breathe faster and my face is hot and red.  I know that means I'm getting really frustrated because you haven't done your chores yet.  I'm gonna take the dog for a walk and when I come back I should feel better and ready to talk with you."

    Even if children have a basic understanding of feelings, they may not fully grasp other more in-depth emotional concepts.  Teach children to learn a larger emotional vocabulary, explain that emotions have different levels (slightly annoyed to irate), and discuss how you can feel multiple emotions at once.  Learning about emotions will help children understand their own feelings and develop greater self awareness on a daily basis.  
     
     Another way to help children of all ages tune into their emotional state is to practice mindfulness together.  Mindfulness can help children be aware of the way their body reacts physically and emotionally to life's challenges.

     Every day at Nederland Elementary, the entire school pauses to clear our minds, slow our heart rate, and breathe deeply as we begin our day.  Mindfulness instructor, Patti Schrader, leads exercises during the announcements.  Neuro-scientists have shown that slowing ourselves down in a regular practice leads to greater self awareness and calmer emotions, as well as greater attention for learning and compassion for others.  This year-long curriculum provides a predictable, soothing start to each day.

     Families may want to explore various Mindfulness apps to use as a regular part of your child's bedtime routine as well.  The apps can help your child achieve a relaxed state in preparation for sleep.  These apps include short, developmentally appropriate exercises that have been specifically designed for use with children.  They are a great tool to guide children through a short breathing exercise -- tuning them into their body and balancing their nervous system.

 Mindfulness Apps for Kids

     Smiling Mind includes the most extensive library of meditations to use with children aged
    7 -12  years, teens and adults.  FREE.

     Meditations for Kids by Highly Meditated includes 10 short themed meditations as well 
     as relaxing environmental sounds/musical pieces.  They use guided imagery to help children
     manage worry and anxiety, everyday stress, fidgeting, and fear of the dark.  Age 6+.  $

     Dreamy Kids by Taylan Wenzel includes meditations and guided visualizations that can be
    combined with relaxing background ambient sounds.  Free app has a limited number of 
    resources, but further programs can be purchased. 

     Wellbeyond Meditation for Kids includes 5 short meditations with themes about focusing
     on the present moment, feelings, kindness, and sleep.  FREE

     Stop, Breathe & Think Kids includes a series of short, video meditation "missions" with 
     seven categories-- quiet, focus, caring and connecting, energizing, meltdown, open mind, 
     and sleep.  FREE.

     Super Stretch Yoga integrates visual images of children doing 12 simple yoga poses.  It 
     helps younger children to stretch their bodies, rest their minds and focus their breathing.  For
     ages 4+.  FREE.

     Sleep Meditation for Kids by Christiane Kerr  only includes one free 13 minute guided 
     meditation.  Further meditations can be purchased within the app.  For younger children and 

    teens.  FREE. 

Angry?! How Naming and Understanding the Different Kinds of Anger Can Help

   

     "To tame your anger," says Michaeleen Doucleff, "it may take time to observe and name it."  Children at NES have been trying to expand their emotions vocabulary so they can explicitly and accurately describe how they are feeling.  For some, that means not saying "everything" makes them "mad."  For others, it means distinguishing between being annoyed or bitter, beginning to feel irritated, feeling disappointed, jealous or frustrated, or saying they are really "furious" or "outraged" about the situation.  Being able to pin point what they are feeling allows students to decide if it is a fleeting emotion or if they may need to select a strategy to lower their intense emotion.  In addition, just naming what is going on inside of oneself helps bring the prefrontal cortex online with the emotional limbic system.  It serves to regulate and soothe the emotion.  It also helps others understand what is going on with us.

     Doucleff goes on to write about her revelation about anger and the power of naming it precisely.  See if her ideas resonate with your life...

     Over the past three years, I've had one major goal in my personal life:  To stop being so angry.  Anger has been my emotional currency.  I grew up in an angry home.  Door slamming and phone throwing were basic means of communication.  I brought these skills to my 20-year marriage.  "Why are you yelling?" my husband would say.  "I'm not," I'd retort.  Oh wait.  On second thought:  "You're right.  I am yelling."  

     Then three years ago, an earthquake hit our home:  We had a baby girl.  And all I wanted was the opposite.  I wanted her to grow up in a peaceful environment -- to learn other ways of handling uncomfortable situations.

     So I went to therapy.  I kept cognitive behavioral therapy worksheets.  I took deep breaths, counted to 10 and walked out of rooms.  And I even meditated at night.  These strategies helped me manage the anger, but they never really decreased it.  It was like keeping a feral horse in a barn.  I was contained, but not really domesticated.

     Then, six months ago, I was talking with Lisa Feldman Barrett, a psychologist at Northeastern University.  Right at the end of the hour-long interview, she tossed out this suggestion:  "You could increase your emotional granularity."   

     My emotional what?  "Go learn more emotion words and emotion concepts from your culture and other cultures," she added.  Over the past 30 years, Feldman Barrett has found evidence that anger isn't one emotion but rather a whole family of emotions.  And learning to identify different members of the family is a powerful tool for regulating your anger, studies have shown.  Or better yet, as I found, go and make up your own anger categories and start using them.  

     There's a common theory about anger.  You'll find it in text books, scientific papers, news reports.  And some scientists support the theory, says Feldman Barrett.  The idea is that anger is one of several "basic emotions" that are universal.  It's almost like a reflex -- hard-wired in the brain.  When something unjust or unfair happens to you, "your blood pressure often goes up.  Your heart rate will go up.  Maybe you'll breathe heavily or you'll have a reddening of your skin.  Then you'll have an urge...to punch or yell at someone.  "That's the stereotype of what anger is," Feldman Barrett says.  But it's not the full story.

     What you feel when you're angry depends on the situation, what your past experiences are and how your culture has taught you to respond, she says.  As a result, there is actually enormous variation in the types of anger in the U.S. , like exuberant anger when you're getting pumped up to compete in sports, or sad anger when your spouse or boss doesn't appreciate you.  

     When you look at other cultures, the variation explodes.  Germans have a word that roughly means "a face in need of a slap," or backpfeifengesicht.  "It's like you're so furious with someone that you look at their face, and it's as if their face is urging you to punch them," Feldman Barrett says.  "It's a great emotion."

     Ancient Greeks differentiated between a short-term anger that doesn't stick around (orge) with a long-lasting anger that's permanent (menin).  Mandarin Chinese has a specific word for anger directed toward yourself.  It's literally a combination of regret and hate, says linguist Yao Yao at Hong Kong Polytechnic University.  "You regret something you did so much, that you're angry at yourself," she says.  

     Thais have, at least, seven degrees of anger, says linguist Yuphaphann Hoonchamlong at the University of Hawaii.  "We don't walk around saying 'I'm angry.'  That's too broad.  "We may start with 'I'm displeased' and 'I'm dissatisfied' and then increase the intensity," she says.  And India is a treasure trove of angers.  "There's a common form of anger which means like 'when eggplant hits the hot oil,' says Abhijeet Paul, who teaches South Asian literature at Middlebury College.  "You suddenly become, like, really angry at hearing something shocking or learning something that you really, really dislike," Paul says.  

     Indians also differentiate between political anger, which you have for the ruling class or "boss man," and personal angers, which you have for a friend, family or neighbor.  You would never mix the two and express political anger in a personal relationship, Paul says.  "There's also a very interesting anger that is a loving anger," Paul says.  You express this emotion toward a spouse when your spouse has angered you but you can't help the, only love them, he says.  "It's a bag of love, grief, sorrow and anger."

     So in many ways, anger is like wine.  There are these major varieties -- such as chardonnay and pinot noir-- but each vintage has its own unique combination of aromas, flavors and potency.  The more practice you have at detecting -- and naming -- these nuances, the better you understand wine.

     And if you learn to detect all the various flavors and nuances of anger and label them, you can start to handle your anger better, says psychologist Maria Gendron at Yale University.  "There's definitely emerging evidence that just the act of putting a label on your feelings is a really powerful tool for regulation," Gendron says.  It can keep the anger from overwhelming you.  It can offer clues about what to do in response to the anger.  And sometimes, it can make the anger go away.  

     The ideas is to take a statement that's broad and general, such as "I'm so angry," and make it more precise.  take the Thai:  "I'm displease," or the German "Backpfeifengesicht!"   Psychologists call this strategy emotional granularity.  Studies show that the more emotional granularity a person has, the less likely they are to shout or hit someone who has hurt them.  They are also less likely to binge drink when stressed.  On the other hand, people diagnosed with major depressive disorder are more likely to have low emotional granularity compared to healthy adults.  

      "There's a whole arm of research showing how functional it is to have finely tuned categories for our experiences," Gendron says.  Emotional granularity is like watching HDTV versus regular TV.  It lets you see your anger with higher resolution, Gendron says.  "It gives you more information about what that anger means, whether you value that experience and choices about what to do next, " she says.  

     This last part is key:  Being granular with your anger helps you figure out what's the best way to handle the situation -- or whether you should do anything at all.  For instance, if you are feeling a burst of anger, which you know will fade rapidly, then maybe doing nothing is the best strategy.  

     And you don't have to limit yourself to the labels that already exist, Gendron says.  Be creative.  Analyze what's causing your various angers, give them specific names and start using the terms with family and coworkers.  "If you are making a practice in your family of coming up with words and then using them together, that actually can regulate physiology," she says.  "That can resolve the kind of ambiguity about the situation."

     Personally, I found this strategy the most helpful.  I started paying attention to what typically triggers my anger at work and at home.  And I found three major types, which I named.
      ILLOGICAL ANGER:  This emotion happens when somebody at work makes a decision that seems completely illogical.  Once I labeled this anger and started tracking what happens afterwards, I quickly realized that trying to convince an illogical person of logic is often futile -- and a waste of time.
     HURRY-UP ANGER:  This is the anger I feel when someone else is not doing something fast enough -- yes, I'm talking about the driver of the gray Prius at the stoplight this morning or the 3-year-old who will not put her shoes on fast enough.  Once I labeled it, I realized that cars, people and toddlers eventually move.  Huffing and puffing doesn't make it faster.  
     DISONOPHOUS ANGER:   This is my favorite anger.  And has the biggest impact on my life.  I wanted to figure out how to decrease yelling at our house.  So I started paying attention to what often occurred right before the screaming began.  It was super obvious:  The dog was barking and the toddler was screaming.  Basically two loud sounds simultaneously.  
      So my husband and I made up disonophous anger from the Latin for "two sounds."     Now when my husband says, "I have disonophous anger, Michealeen..."  we know exactly what to do:  Put the dog on the porch and pick up the baby.  

    Have FUN coming up with specific names for your child's anger!   See if stretching your child's emotional vocabulary helps them handle their emotions a little better.  

      

ReThinking Discipline and Finding New Friends

     

      As families shared a plate of chicken chop suey and Colorado peach cobbler, two moms met and became instant comadres.  They looked across the room and noticed each other holding their own 4-month-old baby.  Who would have thought that their babies were born just three days apart,  they both live near Ward, and the two of them were at the Mountain Strong Families presentation reflecting upon how they will raise their bundles of joy?  An instant friendship was launched as they realized they were both rearing their offspring on the mountain tops and gulches surrounding Nederland.  And who couldn’t use a new friend to help them be the best parent one can be?

     At the second Mountain Strong Families presentation on September 10^th, local school counselors Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller began the conversation about ReThinking Discipline by using Dr. Dan Siegel’s workbook, No-Drama Discipline.  Parents were asked to consider which discipline style they use when they are at their best and what their default style looks like when they are exhausted and frustrated with their child’s behavior.  It is common that parents threaten consequences, send their child into timeout, react inconsistently or struggle to set boundaries, overreact in a harsh way, or engage in power struggles with toddlers to teenagers.  The job of parenting taxes us all.

     The No-Drama Discipline Workbook begins with clarifying the word discipline derives from the Latin word meaning “to teach skills.”   Dr. Siegel believes there are usually better ways to teach skills than by giving immediate consequences.  Instead of punishment, he suggests that we try to help our children think about their actions, feelings and needs.  We would all love for our children to just obey us in the short run, but in the long run our goal is to have them develop self- control, a moral compass, and grow up to be kind and responsible people.  Every child needs discipline in order to develop into a successful adult.

     The first step in developing a thoughtful and intentional discipline style-- one which will produce responsible and compassionate people-- is to make sure you aren’t reacting from autopilot when your child misbehaves.  Adult caretakers need to make sure they are regulating themselves before responding and disciplining children.  Parents suggested several tools that help them shift from a knee-jerk reaction to their child smearing peanut butter on the couch (or climbing out the window to hang with friends on a Friday night).  Some of their favorite ways to PAUSE before responding to the teachable moment were to (1) reflect on how you are feeling and what you need in that situation,  (2) stop and look at how small the child’s hands are while realizing they are still learning and growing,  (3)  pause and remember three things you love about them,  (4) or take three deep, slow breaths before saying anything.  Strategies like these help adults put their oxygen mask on first.  It allows discipline to feel safe and loving instead of humiliating and scary to the child.

     The second step suggested by Kron and Mueller was to ask yourself three simple questions which will help you respond to your child with curiosity instead of frustration.  Ask yourself WHY is my child acting like this?  (Are they hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?  Is there some need being met by their behavior?  What is their perspective in this situation?)   WHAT skill do they need to learn in this situation?  HOW can I best teach this lesson?  (Do I need to soothe them and lower their emotions before I can guide them to make better choices?)  Considering the answers to these three questions often helps parents respond differently to the situation.

     The third thing to consider when disciplining a child is to distinguish between a child who “can’t” and “won’t” behave.  Kids who fail to behave as they are expected to are often seen as being willfully disobedient, as just deciding to be difficult.  While many parents take misbehavior personally and see it as an act of defiance, Dr. Siegel helps parents realize that most misbehavior represents the child indicating that they don't know how to control themselves and make good decisions.  The child often does not have the language skills, social skills, emotional regulation skills, or the capacity to act any differently than they are acting.  They are often emotionally dysregulated or lack the skill set to behave better.  We adults often have unrealistic expectations for a child’s age and stage of development.  They often “can’t” behave any differently.  They need our help, showing them how to make better choices.   

     The final “aha” moment for parents came when Kron and Mueller explained how brain science is helping us understand behavior in a different way.  Humans are born with a fully developed “lizard” or reptilian brain.  This part of our brain helps us process emotions up to 500 times faster than our brain processes thoughts and choices.  Our first reaction to situations is an emotional one, not a well-thought out, measured response.  When a situation produces uncomfortable emotions in us, our survival mechanism is triggered and we react with fight, flight, or freezing behaviors.  The child who yells or pushes (fights), the adolescent that slams the bedroom door when given limits (flight), the 3^rd grader who clams up and won’t tell you what is going on (freeze) … are all in their defensive survival mode. 

     It takes children until their mid-to-late 20’s to fully develop their “wizard brain” or thoughtful prefrontal cortex.  This developing brain allows them to soothe their intense emotions, think through decisions, verbalize their thoughts and feelings, develop empathy for how others are feeling, brainstorm choices and creatively problem solve.  Note to self:  no one can learn when they are in their “lizard” brain.  Our endless lectures are falling on deaf ears when our child’s emotions are elevated.  Our response to their behavior can either enrage them, i.e. lock them in their lizard brain where they cannot think things through, or engage them in connecting with their wise, compassionate brain where they can reflect and learn.   Science has shown that addressing kids' emotional needs is actually the most effective approach to addressing behavior over time, as well as developing their brains in ways that allow them to handle themselves better as they grow up.

     We adults are most frustrated and stressed out when our children aren’t behaving-- when the connection between their lizard and wizard brain has been lost-- or they have flipped their lid.  There are many strategies parents can use to help build neural pathways between the emotional and thoughtful parts of their children’s brain.  A few shared ideas included – showing empathy for how the child is feeling (naming their emotions to tame them), validating how they feel (“I can see how that would upset you”), soothing the child to deescalate their intense emotional reaction (“let’s hug and take three deep breaths together, then we’ll talk about what happened”), giving clear choices (say “yes” with a condition attached), and collaborating with the child to solve the problem (“how can I help you work through this?”). 

     Hearing this helpful parenting information, parents were dying to apply this knowledge to real world experiences.  The Mountain Strong Families presentations at Nederland Elementary School on October 9, November 6, and December 3^rd will offer chances to practice strategies and skills when children are “spoiled, disrespectful, defiant” (…oops, rethink as emotionally dysregulated with undeveloped skills).  Come shift your thinking, develop new tools, and find more joy in your role as parent!   RSVP for the next free family dinner, childcare and presentation, “How Connecting Deeply with our Children Helps them Learn,” to ann@teensinc.org.

How to de-stress before taking on your child's challenging behaviors

     

In between the wonderful moments with your children, there are many times that your role can feel frustrating, stressful and exhausting.  When you’re feeling flooded and your amygdala is keeping your thoughtful upstairs brain from functioning as it should, it can seem impossible to respond to your child’s major meltdowns and defiance with anything but exasperation.  It is easy to get stuck feeling annoyance with our child --over the whining, the back talk, the stalling and ignoring your requests, the grabbing, the hitting, the defiance, the refusal to participate in an activity - or to go to sleep. 

     But underneath all that irritating behavior, your child is trying to tell you something. That difficult behavior is his best attempt at asking for your help.  However, it doesn't mean you just settle in and let him run the roost. Not at all. It just means you've got to figure out how to decode the message, and then pull together a plan to help him.
     On Tuesday, September 10th, two Nederland school counselors -- Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller -- will help parents dig out the "why" of children's behavior, and then help us make a plan to address the challenging behaviors and irritating attitudes.   It's time to ReThink Discipline now that we know so much more about how children's brains develop.  

     Last month, during the first Mountain Strong Families presentation, local counselors Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy helped us begin to examine our stress from parenting and learn nurturing ways to balance our nervous system before responding to our child’s behavior.
First, Evans asked us to notice where chronic stress is housed in our bodies -- zeroing in on where our muscles were constricted.  Stress causes our muscles to tighten up and this can create serious health problems if we are not moving that tension out of our bodies on a regular basis. We were then encouraged to consciously “open up” the constricted area (chest, head, jaw, stomach, shoulders) by focusing our thoughts and breathing into that spot until we felt more relaxed.  
      Too often in our culture,  we are paralyzed by the stress in our life and choose to numb ourselves with a little wine, weed, or endless wifi instead of moving the cortisol and tension out of our bodies.  Substance use that numbs us doesn’t actually remove the tension and stress hormones from our bodies.

As parents, we need a go-to list of tools that will move our brains from a reactive state to a more responsive one.  We were asked to think of numerous, quick self-care ideas we could perform for one minute here, one minute there, instead of bottling up our tension and waiting for a “spa day” to release it all. “Try shaking it off, going for a walk in nature, doing a vigorous workout” so that your body isn’t holding onto your stress hormones indefinitely, said Evans.   
   Other simple stress-reducers included bringing more laughter and lightness into our serious, anxious lives.  “Have family members share a funny joke at dinner time,” said Purdy. This can be a fun tradition that helps shift the focus temporarily away from a child who can't sit still,  won’t eat their vegetables, or who is drumming on the table to annoy his sister.   

Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy

     Evans also showed parents a simple technique for using all our senses to lower stress levels.  Parents made a list of the pleasant things we like to touch, smell, see, taste, and listen to.  By taking a moment to merely access these images in our brain (think chocolate chip cookies and ocean breezes), our amygdala is soothed and we can respond to our children's behavior from a more relaxed state.

Purdy then encouraged parents to change their thinking and language when it comes to the stress in our lives.  Our brain’s default mode is for negative thinking. For instance, we might catch ourselves thinking - “My daughter always makes us late!”  instead of reframing that thought into- “Currently, she is having challenges getting ready on time.” We were encouraged to reframe thoughts like, “My son never helps with chores” into “Right now, Skylar prefers to hang with his peers instead of assisting the family.”  Or when we catch ourselves thinking “I’m a horrible parent,” can we change the conversation in our head to "I didn’t handle that situation very well yesterday"?  

     Stress is a natural result of hard things, but the language we use to narrate our situation can either increase or decrease our stress levels.  When we think about our child’s challenging behaviors, it helps to reframe it as temporary and specific instead of permanent and universal in nature.  We have some control over the intensity of our body’s stress response if we intentionally shift our thinking about our children, ourselves, and the situation.  

When we choose healthy ways to lower our stress, it gives us the creative capacity to actually work on and fix the problem at hand. Join us for the next four Mountain Strong Families presentations. They are a great chance to begin creating a conscious plan for addressing challenging behavior with our kids.