See what I see, hear what I hear, feel what I feel,
then maybe you’ll understand, why I do what I do.
Confidentparentsconfidentkids.org offers some creative ways to build empathy among children (i.e. an understanding of other people’s thoughts, feelings, desires, motivations, and intentions). On a car ride or at the dinner table, each person can guess what another was feeling or thinking at some point that day. The person who is being commented on has to say whether or not the feeling guessed is accurate, and if not, what they actually were feeling. This helps children become more adept at articulating other’s perspective and their own.
Another fun version of this game is to insert famous people and family members into this sentence: “If ___ came to dinner, he would say _______.” Here is a sample conversation:
Parent: “Your teacher, Ms. Sue, is here for dinner. What does she say?”
Child: “This is a nice dinner.” (using a sweet, high-pitched voice)
Parent: “Your three-year-old cousin…”
Child: “I don’t like hot dogs!” (with a whine)
Parent: “Your cool Uncle Jeremiah…”.
Child: “Hey, man, how ya doin?” (in a jazzy, deep tone)
Parent: “Emperor Palpatine, Ruler of the Dark Side….”
Child: “Come to the dark side!!”
Robert Selman has identified five stages of perspective-taking that children typically go through at various ages. These stages of development are the foundations that help develop empathy in children. For some, the ability to feel empathy comes naturally. Interestingly, it is not an innate disposition that unfolds equally in all children.
Undifferentiated perspective-taking (Age 3 -6): Children have a sense of their own thoughts and feelings and realize their actions cause others to react. However, sometimes they may confuse others’ thoughts and feelings with their own.
Easy Practice: Look for chances to identify how others are feeling based on their nonverbal cues: facial expressions, body language, tone of voice. “Look at that woman’s expression in the store. Her face says to me she’s frustrated.” Help children pick up on the fact that others may be feeling differently than they are in the moment.
Social-informational perspective-taking (Ages 5 -9): Children understand that different perspectives may mean that people have access to different information than they have.
Easy Practice: When you are reading books with your child, talk about the character’s perspective and motivation, and from where it may have originated. Have fun with the book Turk and Runt by Wheeler and Ansley (2002)
Self-Reflective perspective-taking (Age 7 -12): Children are able to interpret others’ thoughts and feelings. There should be a noticeable increase in a child’s efforts to provide comfort and support to others and try to help fix a problem.
Easy Practice: Guide your children through a conflict situation by asking them, after cooling down, to tell what they are thinking and feeling and then, asking them to interpret what the other person is thinking and feeling.
Third-party perspective-taking (Age 10 -15): Children are able to step outside their own thoughts and feelings and see a situation from an impartial perspective. A child should be able to extend empathy beyond people they know to more global situations such as world hunger.
Easy Practice: This is a good time for children to read biographies about other’s lives.
Societal perspective-taking (Age 14 - Adult): Teens begin to see how perspective can be influenced by larger systems and societal beliefs.
Easy Practice: Offer opportunities to learn and experience other cultures by reflecting on differing perspectives and values. Visit various places of worship outside of your belief system. Volunteer in a nursing home or homeless shelter. Explore other cultures, belief or government systems through books, volunteerism, festivals, and travel.
One’s ability to walk in others’ shoes needs to be fostered and encouraged. Without practice & exposure to diverse perspectives, children can easily develop a myopic view of life.
