NES students are practicing asserting their needs and sharing their feelings during arguments. They are learning how to summarize their "opponent's" perspective and then find solutions that meet everyone's needs. Parents can help teach these Conflict Resolution Skills by serving as the "Wizard Brain" or pre-frontal cortex and mediator when siblings bicker, fight and argue. See what ideas Dr. Laura Markham from
Ahaparenting.com suggests for dealing with bickering at home:
What's bickering? Arguing about something trivial. But of course nothing is too trivial for siblings to argue about, or at least it seems that way some days!
Bickering is not yet a full-fledged fight, but it could become one. Or it could just go on all day long until it drives you crazy. Some amount of bickering is normal, since kids are still learning how to express their needs appropriately. But bickering is always a sign that something is less than optimal. You can think of it like a light on your car dashboard saying you need to get an oil change. The first time it flickers, you don't have to take action. But if you ignore it repeatedly, the light will become constant, and at some point, your car will break down.
How should you intervene?
1. Calm yourself.
2. Describe the problem with empathy, without blame or judgment.
3. Set limits on meanness by restating family rules about kindness.
4. Coach each child to express their feelings and needs without attacking the other.
5. Coach kids to problem-solve as necessary.
Here are some examples of how to put it all together, depending on the reason for the bickering.... Notice how in each case the parent responds to the bickering by realizing that the children have legitimate needs that they need the parent's help to express to their sibling. With a little coaching from parents, the kids are able to resolve their differences in ways that bring them closer, instead of making them more resentful of each other.
A temporary conflict of needs
Kids can often work this out themselves if the parent provides a little momentum.
Emma: "Move over! You don't own the couch!"
Mason: "I was here first."
Parent: "I hear two kids who both want one couch. This is a tough situation, because we aren't getting another couch! What can you do to work this out?"
Mason: "i was here first. It's still my turn."
Emma: "I don't like watching scary movies from the floor. The couch feels safer. Can we share it?"
Mason: "Only if you don't touch me, and you don't scream at the scary parts."
Emma: "Okay. How about we put this pillow between us so I don't accidentally touch you?"
Mason: "Okay. But don't scream any more!"
A difference in temperament that grates on one or both
Your children need your help to learn to live with each other, which means articulating what each one needs and helping them figure out how both kids can get their needs met.
Leo: "Shut up! I can't even think!"
Sofia: "I'm just singing."
Leo: "You're always singing!"
Parent: "I hear some loud voices. Sofia, I hear you singing with such joy. Leo, I hear you saying it's too loud for you. We need a solution here. What can we do?"
Leo: "I just want some peace and quiet for once!"
Sofia: "I have the right to sing!"
Parent: "Sofia, you certainly do have a right to sing, and I love to hear you sing. And I hear Leo saying that right now he needs some quiet. What can we do so you both get what you need?"
Sofia: "Leo can go to his room."
Leo: "I need to stay here to build my Legos! You could go to your room, too!"
Sofia: "I want to stay here where the music is!"
Parent: "Hmm... so one solution is that you could be in separate rooms. But it sounds like both of you want to stay in the family room with the music and Legos. Are there any other solutions?" Both kids look at you with blank faces.
Parent: "Well, for instance, Sofia could take the music with her into another part of the house... or Leo could take the Legos somewhere else... Or maybe Leo could wear my headphones -- they block out sound."
Leo: "I want the headphones! I call a long turn!"
Parent: "You can use the headphones for as long as you need them to have quiet."
Boredom
State the problem, restate family rules, and redirect.
Noah: "Dad, Abigail is pestering me."
Abigail: "I am not! I'm trying to tell you something!"
Dad: "Hmm...sounds to me like Abigail wants to connect with you, Noah."
Noah: "Well, I don't want to connect with her!"
Dad: "That's okay -- you don't have to play with her if you don't want to right now. But you do have to treat her with respect. Those words can hurt. Can you find a different way to tell her that you're busy right now?"
Noah: "Abigail, I'm busy making my paper airplane. You can play with me later."
Abigail: "But I don't have anything to do! What can I do?"
Dad: "Abigail, I hear you're wondering what to do with yourself. And Noah is saying that he's not ready to play right now; he wants to play with you later. Why don't you come outside and help me wash the car? You always have fun with the hose."
Grumpiness or irritability
Intervene to help the child who is attacking with whatever feelings are making him so unhappy.
Luis: "Your picture is ugly."
Maya: "You're so mean, Luis!"
Parent: "I'm hearing some hurtful words. Luis, it sounds like you're trying to hurt your sister's feelings.... And it sounds like it worked! Are you feeling angry with her, or are you just having a hard time in general?"
Luis: "I hate everything!"
Parent: "Wow, You ARE having a hard time. Come be with me on the couch, and tell me what's so rotten."
Time consuming for the parent? Yes. But you're teaching skills and you're teaching values. Over time, this kind of COACHING helps children identify and articulate their own needs, so they can problem-solve with each other without your intervention. They do less bickering and settle fights before they even get started. And you get to listen from the other room. Smiling.
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