Teaching Responsible Decision-making in these times

Weekly Social Emotional lessons at Nederland Elementary School continue to focus on assisting children in developing a variety of social skills.  There are concrete skills (asking curious questions, brainstorming options, considering the consequences, goal setting) that children can learn which enable them to make quality decisions throughout their lives.  In the following excerpts from ConfidentParentsConfidentKids.org , author Jennifer Miller shows parents how we can prepare our child to think critically about the impact of their decisions on themselves and others.     

I heard the news today, oh boy…

– “A Day in the Life,” The Beatles

When national or local news reports a situation in which a person has made a harmful choice affecting children’s lives, I begin to go down the black hole of worry. The dangers that my son faces as he goes about his daily life can seem frightening and at times overwhelming. Also, each day our children travel through a digital global environment that is an unpredictable territory promoting impulsive responses with the click of a mouse. Because there is so much that remains out of my control, I choose to refocus my energies on how I can prepare my child to respond in any situation in a way that demonstrates care and concern for himself and others and does no harm. I want him to be prepared with the decision-making skills to think through his actions in advance and how they might affect others and the environment around him when I am not there to guide him.

Responsible decision making is defined as “the ability to make constructive and respectful choices about personal behavior and social interactions based on considerations of ethical standards, safety concerns, the realistic evaluation of the consequences that stem from actions and the well-being of self and others.”

Incidents of great harm are not typically caused by an individual waking up one day angry at the world. We know they are a result of numerous small moments in life that add up to a person’s sense of identity and worth or lack of it. The child who acts as a bully on the playground is expressing hurts he or she struggles to contain. And in turn, often the bullied child becomes the bully as he acts out in self-protection. Complicated issues evolve over the course of a child’s growth and development in which they will need to make their own choices. Do I trust this adult? Do I go along with my friends? What should I do if I witness harm but am not yet involved myself?

There are simple ways that we can work on responsible decision making with our children. Small, consistent moments of practice and reflection over time will help fine-tune a child’s ability to think through consequences and the effects of various choices and actions. A child doesn’t “Just say no to drugs,” without a great many small experiences of saying no to minor issues of concern. Typically, children do not act as “upstanders,” sticking up for their friends, unless they have received coaching, practice and support for doing so. Here are some ways you can reflect on your relationship with your children and how you might incorporate practice, reflection and coaching on responsible decision making.

Articulate your love and acceptance for the child in the midst of poor choices. When children have made a mistake or a choice that caused harm and are being reprimanded, they are unable to distinguish between the action and their own worthiness as a person. It is an important teaching opportunity – birth through young adulthood – to assure them of your unconditional love no matter what choices they make. Children who do not have a sense of love and belonging and consistently feel bad about who they are tend to also consistently make poor choices to reinforce that notion.

Reflect on your language. Recall that the language you use helps shape a child’s sense of identity. They understand themselves through your reflections. “Are you being lazy again?” might seem like an inane, harmless comment late on a Saturday morning but becomes a self-defining word in a child’s head. Take a few days or even a week to heighten your awareness of your language with your children. Jot down on a note pad what judgement words are part of your lexicon. Realize that they are also becoming a part of your child’s vocabulary of “what I know about myself.” What judgment words do you use? How can you reframe those judgment phrases? Instead of labeling the child “lazy,” you might say, “It’s late morning. I missed seeing you earlier.”

Ask good questions. “Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve,” wrote Roger Lewin. As you observe situations, relay family stories or talk about your day, focus on open-ended questions that help your child reflect on decisions made. “Ginny received a demerit today at recess. What choices did she make? What was Ginny thinking when she made that choice? What did she want? Did she get it? How did her choice affect other children around her? How did it affect the teachers? Will there be any lasting effects you could notice tomorrow when you return to school? What other choices could she have made?” After the emotions have calmed, misbehaviors that you and your child witness or ones that your child commits can be a good chance for reflection.

Talk about your own thought process. Are you debating over something? Share some of your thinking with your child. “I’m not sure I want to go into business with a friend. I’m worried it will hurt our friendship. But on the positive side, I do think we balance each others’ skills.” Hearing your own thought process will provide a model for weighing pros and cons and thinking through situations before acting.

Initiate family problem solving. If there is an issue that affects the whole family, use it as a chance to practice problem solving together. An enjoyable topic such as “Where should we go for our family vacation this summer?” could be the perfect chance to brainstorm numerous ideas and consider the pros and cons of each one. There are many structures and strategies for problem solving but they all boil down to the same steps. Define the problem. Articulate the feelings involved. Brainstorm solutions. Evaluate the pros and cons. Pick one all can agree upon. Try it. Evaluate whether or not it worked. If it didn’t, go back to your solution ideas and pick a different one to try.

Use and discuss consequences. There are many opportunities throughout the course of the week to discuss consequences if you look for them. “What do you think will happen if you do not complete your homework?” Raising questions about predicting outcomes can initiate thinking in a young person about causes and effects. Also in your discipline toolbox, using logical consequences for misbehaviors is another way to generate that thinking. “You threw your toy across the room and it broke. We will try to fix it but it could be that the toy is not usable anymore. What could help you next time you feel like throwing a toy?”

Discuss children’s and young adult literature. “Responsible or irresponsible decision making are a central themes of most great literature,” says forty-year veteran high school teacher, Linda Smith. In any given story, discuss the following questions and allow your child to think about her responses.

What was the character thinking before the action?

What was the character feeling?

What did the character want to have happen? What was the motivation?

How did she consider the effect on others or on the environment?

Why did she make the decision to act the way she did?

Was the outcome what she had hoped?

What other decisions could she have made? What effects would another decision have on others?

The following are a few recommendations of children’s books that are particularly suited to discussing responsible decision making.

Picture Book Recommendations

Curious George books by H.A. Rey – The plot with all of these books involves the monkey George being curious and making a sometimes impulsive choice with disastrous consequences. However, George always finds a way to repair the damage, make things right again and, sometimes, comes out looking like a hero.

The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler – The rhythm of the language alone is captivating. The story is about an unlikely friendship between a snail and whale and their interdependence. Ultimately, the tiny snail is able to save the giant whale through his creativity and caring.

Young Adult Literature Recommendations

Choose Your Own Adventure – There are numerous adventure books that allow the reader to offer choices throughout the book. “If the character enters the cave, go to page 37. If the character runs around the outside of the cave, go to page 45.” These are fun and exciting ways for your tween-age child to explore choices and outcomes.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee – “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” This classic Pulitzer Prize winning novel is a coming of age story in which Scout Finch watches her father, Atticus make courageous choices that ripple throughout the community combating racism and injustice.

Lord of the Flies by William Golding – This is another classic novel that explores the issues of responsible decision making. Ordinary small boys are stranded on an island and the basic worries of their previous home life, like homework, become inconsequential. They deal with basic survival issues and power struggles and each make choices that will determine whether they live or die.

When you begin to worry about the dangers in your child’s world, refocus that energy into action. Do something about it by preparing your children. You can give them valuable practice in making decisions that will strengthen relationships and contribute to community life. And we will all benefit.

Complete article can be found at https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/2014/02/28/responsible-decision-making/

Creative Brainstorming when Kids are Bored

   

       Over the past few weeks, students at Nederland Elementary School have been practicing some Wizard Brain Strategies to use when they are problem-solving.  They practiced Asking Curious Questions, Considering Consequences when selecting a particular choice, and Brainstorming creative solutions.  It was fascinating to hear some students bubble forth with a large number of creative ideas during a brainstorming session, while others struggled to create imaginative solutions.  How can parents help our children learn to creatively BRAINSTORM whenever they need to problem solve in their lives?  Ahaparenting.com offers some ideas for helping children develop their creative thinking abilities when they whine..."Mom, Dad...I'm bored."

Why is unstructured time so important for your child's healthy development?
   One of our biggest challenges as adults, and even as teenagers, is learning to manage our time well.  So it's essential for children to have the experience of deciding for themselves how to use periods of unstructured time, or they'll never learn to manage it.  Maybe even more important, unstructured time gives children the opportunity to explore their inner and outer worlds, which is the beginning of creativity.  This is how they learn to engage with themselves and the world, to imagine and invent and create.  
     Most kids given unstructured time rise to the occasion (after some minor complaining) and find something interesting to do with it.  Kids are always happiest in self-directed play.  That's because play is children' work.  It's how they work out emotions and experiences they've had.  Watch any group of children playing outside and they will organize themselves into an activity of some sort, whether that's making a dam at the creek, playing "pretend" or seeing who can jump farthest.

Why does "I'm bored" become a constant refrain for so many kids?
     When kids simply can't find something to do, it's usually because:
          ⧪ They're so used to screen entertainment that they aren't practiced at looking inside themselves for direction.
          ⧪ Their time is always so structured that they aren't used to finding fun things to do with their "free time."
          ⧪  They have no one to play with, and haven't yet discovered things they like to do by themselves.
          ⧪  They need some parental connection.  All kids need to check in with their parents for refueling during the course of the day.

When children say they're bored, how can parents respond?
     First, stop what you're doing and really focus on your child for five minutes.  If you use this time to connect, just chat and snuggle, your child will probably get the refueling he needs and be on his way fairly quickly.  If he doesn't pull away from you, and you need to get back to work after a few minutes of fully connecting, consider that maybe he needs a little more time with you.  Most of the time when children are whiny and unable to focus, it's because they need more deep connection time with us.   Offer to involve him in what you're doing, or take a break from your work and do something together.  Once you're confident that your child has a full "love tank,' you can revisit the "what to do" question.  By now, he probably has some ideas for something he'd like to go do.  If not, tell him that figuring out how to enjoy this own time is his job, but you'd be happy to help him BRAINSTORM  about possible activities.

What about when kids really do need help coming up with a boredom-busting activity?  How can we help--- while still being clear that entertaining themselves is their responsibility?
     Even if you need to help your child come up with ideas for "what to do," shift the responsibility to her by creating a BOREDOM JAR stuffed with ideas written on pieces of paper.  Whenever a child says she's bored, she picks three pieces of paper from the jar and chooses one of the activities.  Here are 100 examples of screen-free ideas that children can do themselves, that your child might want to include in her BOREDOM BUSTER JAR:
     Make a book of jokes
     Make a laser obstacle course in your hall with yarn or tape
     Build a fort with blankets and pillows
     Write your Grandma a letter
     Cut out paper dolls and costumes for them
     Get a magnet and make a list of everything in your house that is magnetized
     Get a ruler and measure things in your house, recording their length
     Put on some music and dance
     Wash the mirror with a sponge
     Write down 10 things you love about each person in your family to surprise them
     Brush the dog
     Draw a tree
     Make a dollhouse out of cardboard
     Learn a tongue twister
     Make homemade ice cream in a baggie
     Dig a hole in the backyard
     Give the dog a bath
     Find shapes in the clouds
     Make paper airplanes and fly them
     See how many times you can dribble the basketball
     Cut a guitar out of cardboard and add rubber band strings
     Paint a picture
     Play capture the flag
     Wash the car
     Make a birthday card for the next person you know who is having a birthday
     Plan a treasure hunt, with clues
     Ride your bike
     Make a scene in a cardboard box
     Use boxes to build a castle
     Use an eye dropper to drop vinegar tinted with food coloring onto a pie pan filled with
      baking soda
     Start a journal
     Make homemade wrapping paper
     Mix ivory soap, kleenex and water to make clean clouds on a cookie sheet
     Organize your room
     Write a story
     Create a play with costumes
     Make paper bag puppets or sock puppets
     Cut out pictures from magazines and make a collage
     Use plain white paper to decorate your own personalized stationary
     Cut up old holiday cards and make holiday stickers for next year by coating with
       gelatin glue, let dry (dissolve 2 tsp gelatin in 5 tsp boiling water)
     Surprise your mom by making lunch
     Make a zoo for your stuffed animals
     Have a lemonade sale
     Make and decorate a calendar of the summer, with important dates marked
     Put juice and cut-up fruit into ice cube trays to make ice cubes
     Create a family newsletter
     Make dessert
     Use masking tape to make a race track for your cars all over the living room
     Play tag or freeze tag
     Start a collection (leaves, rocks, buttons) and make a museum display
     Hang a clothesline in your room and clip photos to it to make an art display
     Create a circus performance
     Learn a new card game
     Make a potion lab or pouring station outside with food coloring and containers
     Set up a shop and be the shopkeeper
     Make your room into a rainforest
     Make a sculpture from pretzels and peanut butter
     Write the story of your life
     Do something kind for someone, in secret
     Make an obstacle course
     Bowl in your hallway with soda bottles or toilet paper tubes
     Make a placemat (laminate it at the local copy shop)
     Write some limericks or haiku
     Decorate an old t-shirt with cool buttons and fabric pens
     Decorate a rock and make a house to keep it as a pet
     Use old cardboard tubes and boxes to build a marble maze
     Make "funky junk" art out of old jewelry
     Listen to an audio book
     Make snow globes or calming jars with glycerin and glitter
     Memorize a poem and recite it for your parents
     Make a boat using a plastic soda bottle base, popsicle sticks/duct tape- see if it floats
     Draw a picture of a desert island with all the things you would want on it
     Blindfold your sibling and take them on a tour of your house/yard- then trade places
     Make a fairy house for your garden
     Cut out a crown, tape into a circle to fit your head and decorate
     Create your own board game
     See if you can draw a picture with your foot
     Draw on the sidewalk with chalk
     Set up a restaurant and serve pretend meals
     Play jump rope
     Play with bubbles in the sink
     Plant some seeds
     Use the hose and a tarp to make a slip and slide on your lawn
     Paint your toenails
     Make a curving line of dominoes and knock the first one so they fall down in a row
     Make a list of fun things you can do without a grownup
     Mix liquid hand soap, cornstarch and food coloring into paint and paint the bathtub
     String beads to make a friendship bracelet
     Use the hose, PVC pipe and soda bottles to construct waterways in your yard
     Use pipe cleaners to make animals
     Use a basket and string to rig an elevator to hoist stuffed animals up your stairwell
     String a necklace out of pasta
     Practice kicking a soccer ball
     On a hot day, give kids sponges & bucket of water & let them toss them to each other
     Make and fill a bird feeder
     Make homemade playdough
     Paint sea shells or rocks
     Make bean bags
     Blow bubbles!

     I hope these ideas stimulated your imaginative Wizard Brain to think of ways to BRAINSTORM Boredom Busters with your child.  Practicing BRAINSTORMING when we feel playful will help children learn this important social skill when they need to use this same strategy to resolve conflicts.  
         

    

When Parents Get Together

     

      As we enjoyed a hot dinner together, it felt so nurturing to gather as a community of parents-- helping each other be the best we can be.    During the    Let’s Connect Parenting Program last week at Nederland Elementary School, one dad realized, “I’m not the only one. It seems like most parents face extremely similar challenges with their children.” And research on parents in the United States echoes his realization. Across all demographic groups, parents feel daunted by their job of raising children. It is one of the hardest jobs to do. Most parents readily admit they wish they had more patience and were better able to control their own emotions.

                                                      Kelly Davis, Let's Connect Program

      Dr. Monica Fitzgerald and Kelly Davis, from Let’s Connect, a program located within the Institute of Behavioral Sciences at the University of Colorado at Boulder, helped the room full of adults practice skills for their daily parenting roles. Many of the ideas discussed and practiced are identical to the Social Emotional Learning skills their children are learning each week at Nederland Elementary. When kids can use the same language and build the same competencies at home with their families that they are learning at school, their social emotional intelligence grows exponentially.

     The evening began with parents spending time reflecting on the positive things they notice and appreciate about their children. “I never really stopped to think about how often I fail to tell my daughter what I appreciate about her. I’m usually so focused on correcting her behavior,” said one mother. Parents were then encouraged to regularly verbalize these things in an authentic way to their children. An important distinction was made about noticing and appreciating children for who they are in addition to the positive behaviors they exhibit. By doing this consistently, parents might notice that when behavioral challenges do arise, it is easier to address them. Behavior management is most effective when a foundation of strong connection and meaningful affirmations has been developed between parent and child.

     Next, the 3-step Let’s Connect strategy, called Hand-to Heart, was shared with parents to facilitate their own self-care and self-compassion before attending to the perspectives, feelings, and needs of their children. This strategy includes the following –

1. The first step is all about Tuning In.
     Parents practiced pausing with their hands on their hearts and breathing slowly to bring their attention to the present moment. Here, parents are instructed to notice any sensations, feelings, or thoughts they might be having and to ask themselves, “How am I feeling? What do I need?” Research shows that the simple act of labeling feelings can help to shift brain activity from the amygdala (reactive Lizard Brain) to the prefrontal cortex (thoughtful Wizard brain). The prefrontal cortex plays an important role in “dialing down” the stress response. Pairing these questions with the nurturing gesture of placing the hand over the heart helps to produce a calming sensation as well. Here’s why:

 **Gently touching the heart helps to slow breathing and heart rate and can calm the cardiovascular system during times of stress.

 **Gentle touch releases oxytocin, a hormone which facilitates human bonding and stress reduction. 

** Gentle touch activates the orbitofrontal cortex, an area of the brain associated with greater emotional awareness and compassion.
Additionally, new findings suggest a link between an individual’s degree of attunement with their own heartbeat and increased awareness of the emotional state of others. In other words, being in tune with oneself may translate into greater empathy for others.

2. The second step focuses on Reaching Out. 
     Here, parents were prompted to offer symbolic outstretched hands to prompt a consideration for their child’s perspectives in the situation. This step is focused on the perspective of others and includes questions such as, “What is my child feeling? What do they need right now?” This helps caregivers to respond with empathy and to see behavior as communication of a need, rather than a personal affront. “I often forget to stop and remember what it was like to be a child,” said one mother. The gesture of reaching outward helped parents remember to open up and listen to their child and even to offer a hug in the midst of an argument. One grandmother reminded the parents that she often thought to herself “this too shall pass”. A simple positive mantra like this one can shift thinking and responses during stressful moments with our children.
Learning more about the developmental stages of children often produces fresh insights for parents. You can find reliable information about child development and social emotional learning at www.ParentToolkit.com. 

3. Finally, parents were reminded to Connect with Resources. 
     This step, represented by bringing the hands together in connection, focuses on accessing internal and external resources in order to meet the needs of the caregiver and the child. Regular self-care practices can help adults connect with their own internal strengths and resources. The group of parents generated a whole list of nurturing activities that they will attempt to weave into their lives – hiking by the creek, yoga, Pilates, cranking up the happy music, and soaking in the tub. “This presentation helped remind me that doing self-care feeds patience in me,” said one young mother. Reaching out to friends and partners to discuss parenting struggles is another great resource to develop when we are stressed in our roles. Finally, our local community offers various opportunities to build parenting skills. Kelly Davis and Ann Sherman will be available for EAT. CHAT. PARENT. at NES on Wednesdays from 9:00 – 10:00 am beginning March 14th, if parents would like to stop by and talk about parenting challenges. Kelly is also available by email at kelly.m.davis@colorado.edu throughout the day on Wednesdays. Additionally, you can follow the weekly parenting article at ParentingMattersInNed.blogspot.com for practical steps to enrich family relationships and support social emotional skills.

     Stay tuned for future parenting events sponsored by the ongoing partnership between TEENS, Inc, Let’s Connect program at CU, Nederland Elementary School, and NMSHS Student Support Services!