Helping Siblings Communicate Instead of Fight

(excerpts from Ahaparenting.com)

Conflict is part of every human relationship, because every relationship has two people with different needs and perspectives. Our job as parents is to teach our children to manage sibling conflict in ways that bring them closer.  

What doesn't work is jumping in to decide about who is right and who is wrong. Not only are we not teaching our kids to work anything out, but we're inadvertently reinforcing sibling rivalry, by demonstrating support for one child over the other. 

On the other hand, research shows that if we just "let them work it out" without guidance, the more powerful child wins, and we're reinforcing bullying behavior.  

But there is a better way, one that teaches lessons your children will use to build healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.

1.  Watch to see if they need help or can create a fair solution on their own. 

2.  If they're struggling, take a deep breath to calm yourself before you intervene.

3.  Offer empathy to both children by stating their perspective.  Say what you see them wanting in the solution, or why they're acting as they are (even if you don't agree with them.)

4.  Help each child express their needs verbally to the other child, without attacking.  

Every day that you live with more than one child, you'll have multiple opportunities to coach your children to identify and communicate their feelings.   Just re-frame these situations, so instead of responding with impatience, you remind yourself that every time your children are in conflict, it's a learning opportunity for them.   Here's one example of a parent re-framing and uncovering feelings and needs:

          Six year old Sebastian is playing school with his eight year old sister Claire, who is acting as the teacher.

Sebastian: “I don’t want to play any more.”

Claire: “You have to play. I’m the teacher and I’m in charge.”

Sebastian:  “Dad, do I have to play with Claire any more?

Dad: “Everyone gets to decide who they play with. Do you not want to play any more?”

Sebastian: (whispering to dad) “She’s too bossy.”

Dad: “I hear you, but your sister needs to hear you.”

Sebastian: (whispering to dad) “You tell her.”

Dad: “It sounds like you’re worried about telling Claire…..Can you tell her how you feel?”

Sebastian: (to Claire) “You’re too bossy.”

Claire: “I am not!”

Dad: “Sebastian, can you tell your sister how you’re feeling, instead of what you think she’s doing?”

Sebastian: “I don’t like this. I don’t get to decide anything.”

Claire: “Okay….do you want to be the teacher for awhile? I could be the bad kid!”

In this situation, the parent is helping their kids to identify and express their emotions, without attacking the other child.  You'll find more scripts and tools to coach your children in Dr. Laura Markham's book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings:  How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.

Children are practicing I-messages at NES so they can assertively express their anger and frustration.  In the above scenario, the parent is coaching the child to use this skill.  I-messages are a means of self-expression that enable you to express feelings and needs while confronting behavior without putting judgement on others.  The opposite of an I-message is a “You-message.”  

                       I-Messages                                                                You-Messages

1.  State and “own” your feelings.                           1.  Hold another person responsible                                                                                       for the speaker’s feelings.

      2.    Describe the behavior you dislike, not            2. Make personal judgments; put

             The person.                                                            people down.

      3.     Politely state reasonable requests                 3.  Make demands.

             or share what needs you have.                

     The purpose of an I-message is to communicate feelings/needs and to make reasonable demands on behavior.  The purpose of a You-message is to shame or intimidate a person into doing what you want him/her to do.  Beware of when your child uses a You-messages that “masquerades” as an I-messages.  For example, “I feel like you are mean.”  This is a disguised put-down, because no feelings are stated or owned (even though the speaker says “I feel,” he/she really means “I think.”)  The I-message is a tricky concept to master, even though it seems quite simple at first.  The key is to ask children to practice sharing what they are feeling and needing instead of attacking the other person for what they did.  

              

Big Questions with Deep Meaning for Parents in 2018

Students at NES continue to grapple with questions

leading to self reflection and social awareness

during BrainWise Social Emotional Learning lessons this semester.  

Even though children may spend more waking hours away from their parents than at home,

parents still remain the primary teachers and role models

when it comes to developing a child’s social emotional intelligence.

ConfidentParentsConfidentKids.com offers some self reflection questions

for parents as we enter the new year and seek to raise children

as whole human beings.

“After the hub-bub of the holidays, I find myself craving quiet, the central gift of wintertime. Much of the natural world is in hibernation and the snow muffles the sounds of the city holding them at bay. As I put away holiday decorations and purge old items that can find a better home elsewhere rather than collecting dust in my own, I am clearing my mind as well. I know if I give into this desire for quiet I’ll be rewarded over time with clarity and focus and a sense of purpose in my family and work life. And so, I walk outside and breathe deeply the frigid air. And I listen to whatever it is I might hear. I ask big questions and I allow them to linger in me for awhile without skipping quickly to the neat answers others might approve of. No, I listen and wait for the answers that I know will ring true.

Here are some of those questions that I ask. My hope in sharing these is that you’ll find your quiet winter too and live the questions for a time listening for authenticity before diving into your new year with answers.

• What gives me a sense of meaning and purpose?
• How can I maintain or regain my sense of calm as the storm of responsibilities - family and work - rain down?
• What are my hopes and dreams for my child?
• How do I need to align my actions to meet those hopes for my child? What do I need to work on in small, simple, daily kinds of ways?
• What if my son/daughter were moving out next year? What values would I want him know and hold dear too? How would I do things differently this year to help him learn those values?
• How can I show gratitude for my loved ones particularly when life gets busy?
• How can I be certain that my family members know that I love them unconditionally?

These are just a few of the questions I am holding onto and allowing to stir in my head these winter days. May you too be enriched by your questions.”

An Emergency Response: Empathy for all others in these times

An Emergency Response:  Empathy for all others in these times

Research suggests that most humans have an innate capacity to step into another person’s shoes and respond to their emotions.  The real question, says child psychologist Richard Weissbourd, is not whether kids are kind but to whom.  “Almost all kids are kind to somebody and have empathy for somebody,” says Weissbourd. “The real work is getting them to be kind and empathetic to people outside their immediate circle of concern,” including people of various races, nationalities, ages and abilities.  “Kids develop a clear and sturdy sense of justice as they take the perspective of people who are different from them.”

Whenever possible, ask your child to pause and consider a child alone on the playground, a new student, an elderly person in the neighborhood, a homeless person on the sidewalk.  Ask them “How do you think she feels right now?” or “What do you think he needs?”  

Excerpts from a new poem by children’s author, Sherman Alexie, inspires adults to help expand our children’s circle of concern:

                  HYMN

Why do we measure people’s capacity

to love by how well they love their progeny?

That kind of love is easy.  Encoded.

Any lion cub can be devoted

to its cubs.  Any insect, be it prey

or predator, worships its own DNA.

Like the wolf, bear, and bees,

we humans are programmed to love what we conceive….

But I’m not going to send you a card

for being a decent parent.  It ain’t that hard

to love somebody who resembles you.

If you want an ode then join the endless queue

of people who are good to their next of kin--

who somehow love people with the same chin

and skin and religion and accent and eyes.

So you love your sibling?  Big … surprise.

But how much do you love the strange and stranger?

Hey, Caveman, do you see only danger

when you peer into the night? Are you afraid

of the country that exists outside of your cave?

Hey, Caveman, when are you going to evolve?

Are you still baffled by the way the earth revolves

around the sun and not the other way around?

Are you terrified by the ever-shifting ground?  

...So let me ask demanding questions:  Will you be

eyes for the blind?  Will you become the feet

for the wounded?  Will you protect the poor?

Will you welcome the lost to your shore?

Will you battle the blood-thieves

and rescue the powerless from their teeth?

Who will you be?  Who will I become

as we gather in this terrible kingdom?

My friends, I’m not quite sure what I should do.

I’m as angry and afraid and disillusioned as you.

But I do know this:  I will resist hate.  I will resist.

I will stand and sing my love.  I will use my fist

to drum and drum my love.  I will write and read poems

that offer the warmth and shelter of any good home.

I will sing for people who might not sing for me.  

I will sing for people who are not my family.

I will sing honor songs for the unfamiliar and new.  

I will visit a different church and pray in a different pew.

I will silently sit and carefully listen to new stories

about other people’s tragedies and glories.

I will not assume my pain and joy are better.

I will not claim my people invented gravity or weather.

And, oh, I know I will still feel my rage and rage and rage

but I won’t act like I’m the only person onstage.

I am one more citizen marching against hatred.

Alone, we are defenseless. Collected we are sacred.

We will march by the millions. We will tremble and grieve.

We will praise and weep and laugh.  We will believe.

We will be courageous with our love.  We will risk danger

as we sing and sing and sing to welcome strangers.