The Real Reason Getting to School is so Difficult

    Liz Emmett-Mattox, author of All Good Mornings, helps provide a deeper understanding of why getting ready for school can be so hard on us and our children.   She looks at four main factors that affect our morning vibe.  They are --

    Internal Challenges for Children:  Our kids start the day being utterly vulnerable -- asleep in their beds surrounded by the physical and emotional warmth of “home”.  In the space of an hour, they must prepare themselves, inside and out, for the rigors of the school day.  They are preparing to meet challenges we don’t really know the details of:  the kid who teases them, the math teacher who calls on them just when they DON’T know the answer, the ever-shifting sands of social status, and the anxiety that comes with constantly learning new things.   Our kids are spending time between sleeping and leaving for school transitioning from their “home selves” to “getting their game face on”.  All the complaining, grumbling, delaying, dawdling, and resistance might be seen as different disguises for the anxiety that they have about the day ahead and their ability to handle it.  

    Internal Challenges for Parents:  One of the reasons parenting is such a hard job in the morning is that we are trying to walk the line between two very different sets of demands and attitudes.  On the one hand, we want to nurture our children and care for their needs, and on the other hand, the reality of tardy bells and our own work commitments means we don’t have any time to waste if we are going to meet the demands of the external world.  We are torn & caught between a rock & a hard place.  

    Logistical Challenges:  Transitions are naturally difficult for everyone.  In the morning, families have to shift from sleeping to awake, from horizontal to vertical, from pajamas to school/work clothes, from house to car or bus.  We transition between several different kinds of morning activities and between different locations in the house.  Each transition may require a different kind of thinking and planning process.  All these transitions add stress to the morning.  

    Decision-making can also tax both our cognitive and emotional resources in the morning.  Kids are often on decision overload when asked -- Juice or milk?  Blue or green cup?  Cereal or eggs?  It is a lot to ask a little person who hasn’t even had his breakfast yet.

   Emmett- Mattox assumes most of us have no problem being loving and patient with our kids when there’s no hurry, but when there’s a deadline to meet, we tend to get pulled away from the goal of connection and toward the goal of efficiency.  We naturally feel rushed and frustrated when there is a time crunch.

    Neurobiological Challenges:  Humans all have both a reptilian (Lizard) section of their brains, where our emotions and survival reactions are housed, and a wise Wizard brain where language, problem-solving and creative thought are located.  Our Wizard brain (prefrontal cortex) is not fully developed until our mid-20s.  Emmett-Mattox reminds parents that our children’s capacity for long-range thought and planning in their prefrontal cortex are still under construction.  The sooner we stop expecting them to be able to remember what they need to do or bring, the sooner everyone’s life will get easier.  

    In addition, our Lizard Brain enables us to pick up on an emotional state from someone else.  Our limbic systems never lie.  If we are feeling stressed, it will manifest in some form or another:  a tight voice, jerky movements, and/or constricted breathing. The bad news is that stress can be highly contagious.  You may not mention that you’re expecting a hard meeting at work today, but all of a sudden your child is having a meltdown or your children are bickering for no apparent reason.

    Another limitation of the Lizard Brain is that it doesn’t distinguish between kinds or magnitudes of danger.  We have the same physiological reaction to an oncoming bus as to an oncoming deadline.  The stress of getting ready for school can feel pretty much the same as the stress of outrunning a tiger.

    Perhaps you’ve seen the Lizard Brain at work in your own behavior or that of your child.  Like when your kids refuses to brush her teeth or yells “I KNOW!” when you remind her to bring her gym bag.  When parents start yelling, threatening, or punishing in these moments, it makes our kid’s even more anxious.  The thing to do when you see any of these Lizard Brain responses (in yourself or your kids), is to remember that this is a sign of stress and your reptilian brain has taken charge.  You can’t talk your way out of this, because your limbic system doesn’t have language, so the most effective way to handle the situation is to do whatever you can to de-escalate the stress levels of everyone involved.  Take a deep breath.  Deliberately lower your voice.  Offer a gentle touch, says Emmett-Mattox.  These are some of the same strategies your children are learning during their BrainWise Social Emotional lessons each week.  Think of how you can help your children apply these ideas if there are intense mornings at home. And for more insightful ideas, please read ALL GOOD MORNINGS.