Simple Strategies for Creating Sanity during Remote Learning (PART ONE)

Simple Strategies for Creating Sanity during Remote Learning  

 

   

     Are you and your child feeling unmoored as you face remote learning this fall?  It may be extra challenging getting kids back into the routine of formal learning this year since it will look quite different from brick and mortar schooling.  Kids may feel discombobulated because they have just experienced 6 months of erratic sleep patterns, social isolation from friends, a nontypical routine, and been a fly on the wall while the adults in their lives express fear and overwhelm at the state of the world.  All this may undoubtedly affect their transition into remote learning.  

     At the same time children may be feeling out of whack, parents are experiencing their own set of stressors ~ fear of getting sick, concern for vulnerable family members, job loss or financial strain, endless uncertainty, disconnection from friends and extended family, the stress of increased togetherness, and a now a home learning role they weren't trained for.  Suffice it to say, we are ALL feeling more or less unmoored and overwhelmed as school begins.  

     With Covid-19 and instability as a backdrop, your child may be responding to the start of school in a dysregulated state.  Uncooperative behavior, meltdowns, and big emotions are to be expected from your child (and maybe even yourself as you manage your new role in home learning!)   Do what teachers do all year long ~ attend to the social emotional needs of your child.  Parents can draw from the myriad of simple strategies your child's teacher pulls from her toolbox every year to engage anxious, frustrated, and unmotivated children.  Use these same tools at home with your child.  

     Parents can draw from these FOUR main PILLARS to create a healing response to children who have been traumatized and destabilized by the pandemic, increased family tension, and our current socio-political climate.  They are ~

          1.  Ensuring your OWN personal wellness (because selfcare is NOT selfish!)

          2. Creating predictability and fun routines,

          3. Creating a strong bond with your child while ensuring their sense of safety,  and

          4.  Helping your child regulate their emotions and behavior.

     Each of these necessary pillars provides specific ways to soothe our children and regulate their nervous systems so they can become curious and enthusiastic learners this fall:

1. Ensuring your own Personal Wellness. Here are some concrete steps we parents can take to ensure we feel grounded and supported during home schooling .... because emotionally distraught adults can NEVER calm a child  and help them settle into learning.  Our children will need our consistent, nurturing presence to lean on this year.  Choose from the list below (instead of turning to substances, Amazon purchases, pulling your hair out, or food binging to get through each week):    

     a.  At least once per day, start by pausing and mentally scanning your body for tight spots, identify how you're feeling in that moment, and take some time to stretch, go for a walk, or tighten and then release any tension in your shoulders, jaw, chest or stomach.  

      b.  When feeling overwhelmed, stop and reframe your negative thoughts into ones with more hope, courage, humor and strength  (i.e. I can get through this last lesson by singing the directions to my daughter like a country western singer versus Geez, I hate this.)  Your thoughts will affect your emotional state. 

     c.   Set an intention to start and end each school day by putting yourself in a regulated state.  Join with your child in practicing mindful breathing during the NES Moment to Pause at the beginning of each day.  (Go to https://streams.thisisreboot.com/binatural/    Username: inhale@thisisreboot.com Password: justbreathe)    Then, end each day reflecting on what went well (a rose), what was challenging (a thorn), and setting a positive intention for the next day, i.e. I loved working on the puzzle today with my child (rose), but I was impatient when our internet kept going out during the math lesson (thorn).  Tomorrow, I'm going to email the teacher and ask for a Plan B if we continue to lose connection (intention).  

     d.  Commit to surrounding yourself with positive friends or to asking for encouragement from school counselor Kristen Kron (303-915-9194) or Mountain Strong Families Coordinator, Ann Sherman (ann@teensinc.org).    Talking with supportive friends helps build your resilience when executing your home learning role.  Reach out, but if no one is around ~ look in the mirror and use positive self-talk to encourage yourself to keep going.   Be your own best friend.

2. Create Predictability and fun Routines for your child. Provide your child with a daily routine they can count on.  Since so many things have changed and are uncertain, attention to your child's environment will help soothe them.

     a.  First and foremost, get yourselves back on a regular sleeping/wake up schedule.  Toddlers need 12 -14 hours of sleep/day.  PreK require 10-13 hours per night, while elementary kids need  9 -12 hours/night.  The link between a lack of sleep and a child's behavior isn't always obvious.  Kids become hyper, disagreeable, and have extreme changes in behavior.  Maintaining a regular sleep schedule will prevent many meltdowns.  

     b. Make the start of school a BIG DEAL for your kid.   Just like before, some kids will love picking out and arranging their school supplies, getting a new school outfit, having that special breakfast on the first day, or taking their picture.  These traditions can still occur.  Create some new meaningful rituals too.  Pick out and decorate a designated place at home for studying.  Encourage your child to go out the front door, ride their bike around to the back door, and walk into "school" each day.  Humans count on predictable patterns, seasonal rituals and celebrations to feel grounded in their lives.  

    c. Post a visual schedule each day for your child to refer to.  This will help them know what is coming down the pike ~ mindfulness, the order of subjects, recess breaks, meals or snacks, dance party, etc.  Include pictures of what they will be doing so younger children understand the flow of their day.  Dry erase boards work well for this visual schedule.  

     d. Help your child look forward to a morning ritual each day as a fun way of giving them special attention and connecting with them before you both get to work.  It fills their cup from the get-go every morning.  Maybe this means beginning their day by snuggling in bed together while talking about the day ahead (and before your pillow fight or tickle fest).  One family begins their school day with 3 traditions ~ the child reads a fun fact from National Geographic, picks a movement that the parent has to mimic, and then reviews the day's schedule.  Or, you can replicate the ritual of a morning circle which might include a song, game, or a clap-happy greeting that is precious and fun.  

     e.  Use repeated practices to slowly transition from one subject/activity to another.  Let your child know in advance when they have 10 minutes left before they are switching gears. Sing one of your favorite songs as you put on shoes to go outside, or use a chime or  responsive chant to refocus their attention before giving directions for the next activity  "Bump diddy bump, bump...... (they reply) bump, bump".  These repetitive routines for transitioning build muscle memory to help move the child from one activity to the next without a power struggle.  Offering a daily checklist also gives the child something to mark off before heading to the next activity.  

     f.  Explicitly tell your child what to expect before they need to do the assignment or activity by themselves.  "When we do something new, we'll first talk it through."  Pre-teach the steps until it is clear to them (ask them to repeat the steps back to you).  Another way of preparing children for remote learning is to "pretend" how the school day will go.  Have fun getting on a Zoom call with your child and letting them pretend to teach you.  Act out scenarios and provide clear expectations so your child feels confident to meet this new style of learning.    

     g.  Honor time for movement breaks and visits to your home calming center throughout each day.  When school work seems overwhelming, snuggle on the couch for 10 minutes while listening to music or do jumping jacks every 20 minutes.  These body and emotion breaks allow the child's nervous system to re-balance.  Knowing there will be breaks from learning helps your child pace themselves through their assignments.  

     Experiment with a couple of ideas from each Pillar above (the more the merrier your child will be).  Then, STAY TUNED next week for Part Two of  "Simple Strategies for Creating Sanity during Remote Learning."  

We'll cover two additional Pillars ~  (3) Creating and maintaining strong bonds with your child and (4) Helping your child self-regulate.   WE CAN DO THIS! 

Creating Closure for our Children during this Wacky Year

"Crisis or transition of any kind 

reminds us of what matters most."   ~  Russell Ballard

     COVID- 19 has changed everything, but it hasn't changed our human yearning to recognize milestones in our lives~ significant beginnings and endings.  Among all the basic human needs, we crave tradition and predictability, social connection with others, celebration and meaning in our lives.  
     Due to school being cut short this year, and few opportunities to say farewell, children still desire a way to get their basic human needs met, regardless of the unusual circumstances.  Families can fill this void.  We may not be able to gather at the school building with the entire class and staff, but we can still ....  (how can you fill in that blank?)

     There is a reason why every culture marks key events and transitions in life ~  birth, naming ceremonies, baptism or bat mitzvah, coming of age, graduations, moving away from home, weddings, retirement, and the passing of life.  The ceremonies around these transitional moments allow us to grieve what has been lost, celebrate achievements and challenges, prepare for new roles, and ground ourselves in a new future.  
     Rituals around transitions show how our individual life cycle is part of a grander, natural design.  When done well, rites of passage connect us to our cultural heritage and the ancestors who came before us.  They solidify our own identity, help us create structure and meaning in the midst of an ever-changing, chaotic world.  They remove us from the ordinary flow of life and place us in a sacred space so we can balance the work of both our outer and inner lives.  They give us a sense of purpose.  
     Especially now, in the midst of a global pandemic and significant social distancing measures, we humans are yearning for meaningful rituals that help ground us and send us forth in hope.  Our children need some Rite of Passage at the end of their school year that helps them divide their lives into "before and after."  

"When one door closes, another opens.  

But all too often there is a long hallway in between."  

~ Rick Jarow

     Our children are stuck in the hallway right now, without a concrete way to reflect on their school year and celebrate their growth and relationships as they move forward.  When traditional institutions are unable to meet the cultural need for creating meaningful closure, family can still serve that role.  What we choose to create, our children will remember forever.  

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over 
instead of craving control over what you don't."

~ Steve Maraboli

     Here are list of elements for designing your child's own Rite of Passage this year.  These elements help to foster the reflection, meaning, and closure that humans so desperately need.

1.  Gather a community.  A rite of passage needs witnesses, it demands an audience of supporters to recognize the transitional moment.  With concerns of social distancing, this could just be your immediate family.  It could be a small circle of friends gathered on spaced out picnic blankets in the middle of a field.  It could be a parade of cars passing by your home with horns blazing.  It could be relatives joining a ZOOM meeting to virtually read a story, sing songs, or cheer and applause the graduate.  One family replaced a guest list with cardboard cutouts of the important people in their child's life who could not be present.  Another family set photos of relatives and friends on chairs in the backyard.  

2.  Make it stand apart from ordinary life.  To derive power from a ritual, it must, in some way, stand apart from our ordinary lives.  Dress up.  Decorate.  Add flowers.  Drag the recycling bin out into the driveway and turn it into a podium.  This is not just another day in quarantine.  This is a big deal in your child's life.

3.  Select some symbols or metaphors for this moment.  Ask your child to select something that symbolizes the transition they are making.  They might choose a fitting metaphor ~  "I feel like I just walked out of a revolving door,"  "I'm looking out a window at a huge valley ahead,"  "I'm in a forest but I can't see the path."  Or spend some time selecting an insightful visual that represents how they see themselves right now.  Are they changing from a caterpillar into a butterfly?   Are they about to take the road less traveled?  Do they see themselves as having climbed a mountain and now they are descending?

     Typically, at the end of the 5th grade year at Nederland Elementary School, students spend time creating a personal statement of who they are at this moment in time.  They create an "I AM... poem" which is read to the community-at-large.  This poem helps define how they see themselves at this transitional moment.  Have your child share their personal statement, metaphor, or visual at your ceremony.  

"She knew this transition was not about becoming someone better but about finally allowing herself to become who she'd always been."   ~Anonymous

4.  Find the humor.  Always include humor.  Transitions can bring up feelings of joy, sadness, and anxiety.  These emotions can feel overwhelming as we witness a child moving from one stage to another.  Weave light-hearted humor through the rite of passage when appropriate.  Is there a way to collectively laugh about some of the earlier stages your child has gone through? (Slideshows of earlier hairstyles and hobbies capture this well.) Can your child find a way to laugh at themselves or some challenge they faced during the last year?  What was their favorite memory, their funniest moment?  Liven up the celebration with a quick scavenger hunt where everyone must quickly find something that reminds them of your child and bring it back to the event.  Share out what they selected.  Or, open up the ceremony to impromptu speeches by family members where they can help "toast" the graduate.

"Times of transitions are... an opportunity to purge, rethink priorities, and be intentional about new habits.  We can make our new normal any way we want."  ~Kristin Armstrong  

5.  Letting go of the old.  Symbolize moving into a new stage by having your child take a tangible, personal artifact they have selected and release it, reinvent it, or ruin it.  They can use their hands to cut/scrape/burn/shred/or tear something.  They could light a candle at the beginning of the ceremony and then later blow it out.  They could send some intention inside of a balloon into the wind and let the wind carry it away.  They could bury an item in your yard, or let an item move downstream through water.  They could set it on fire in a campfire pit.  Some cultures have the child select a new name that they would like to be known as going forward.  Is there an old nickname they would like to leave behind?  Find some way to ritualize the transition from old to new, past to present.

"Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge."  ~ Eckhart Tolle

6.  Reflect.  As a family, reflect on the advantages and disadvantages of leaving the past behind.  Honor the complex emotions at this juncture.  It is possible to  simultaneously feel excited and nervous.  We can feel tender and joyful in the same breath.  One of the most precious moments you can share with your child is to identify what characteristics they exuded when they were entering kindergarten.  Close your eyes and remember what they looked like, how they acted, and whether they were rambunctious? cautious? curious?  precocious?  determined?  Share a story or two about what your child was like at the beginning of their school journey.  Then reflect on how they can use these positive character traits as they move into their new role.  How can they cope and thrive by drawing from their personal traits in their new setting?  Demonstrate how their rich and vibrant character traits have been honed and will continue to serve them.  Frame your child's journey in a positive, hopeful light so they see the best in themselves as they embark.  See if you can get through this presentation without tearing up.

7.  Grand Finale.  Have guests stand in two lines facing one another.  Join hands and create a human arch for the child to pass through as you cheer or sing.  The beauty of a transition ritual is you can make it whatever you and your child need it to be.  When we are affected by major transitions in our lives,  rituals help us return to a sense of being whole again.  Your child will remember this quarantined celebration forever!   

"You must be the change 
you wish to see in the world."  
~Mahatma Gandhi

Responding to bored, needy kids during a pandemic

        One parent writes:  I have "free time" on our schedule every morning after the kids do their schoolwork, but they just beg for screens, whine that they don't know what to do, or they want me to play with them.  This is the only chance I have to get any work done, and I need that time.  Why can't they play by themselves and stop whining  or saying they are bored?

     Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com) offers parents some explanations about why children are having such a hard time with their all their disappointments and extra time at home.  Many children have become accustomed to being regularly over-scheduled as we transport them from one activity to another.   They aren't used to having "down time".   And when we often respond to their pleas of boredom by entertaining our kids with screens, this response keeps them from developing their "play muscles."    But play is a child's real job; it's how they become themselves.  Here are some ways we can foster their ability to play independently:

1.  Create an inviting place and time in the daily schedule.

     Children do best with a schedule, which helps them know what to expect and lessens their anxiety.  If they know that every day after breakfast (for instance), they'll have a chance to play, they'll look forward to that time and get into play more quickly.  For younger children, set up clear places for kids to do messy play like art versus a construction zone for building things and a cozy quiet corner to read or dream.  Older children might appreciate the chance to redecorate or rearrange their rooms to accommodate different activiteis.  

2.  Fill your child's cup first.

     If your child resists independent play, make sure they're routinely getting enough of your attention to feel "full," and they've had a chance to work through any upsets or anxiety they feel so they can more easily settle into play.

• Every day, inlude 20 minutes of "Special Time" in your schedule, where you actively play with each child individually ~ and enjoy it!
• Use roughhousing to give your child a good session of laughter a couple of times a day, which lessens anxiety.
• Connect with your child emotionally and physically throughout the day, by being empathetic and responsive when they need you.
• While you're moving your child through the schedule (dressing, brushing teeth, having meals), try to be fully present and warmly engaged with your child, so that they experience you as emotionally responsive.

3.  Get your child started on something.

     Help children with a transition into free play.  Set aside ten minutes to admire your child play as you watch them begin to engage.  Turn off your phone, and make positive comments so your child knows you are really paying attention.  Ask your child how to use a toy or to show you how they do something.  Then gradually extract yourself.

4.  Declutter and Rotate Toys.  

     When your child's space is too full of toys, they get overwhelmed, and they stop seeing the toys as opportunities.  Humans, especially small humans, are primed to notice novelty.  So regularly clear out some of the toys that your child hasn't been playing with. Put them in the attic or the back of your closet, and leave them for a few weeks.  When you bring them out, a few at a time, your child will greet them with renewed interest.

5.  Choose Toys that Facilitate Deep Play.

     To facilitate play, keep screens to a minimum.  Studies show that kids who watch TV are more prone to adopt "scripts" of what they've seen; kids who don't get much screen time engage in more flexible, creative play.  Even structured toys predispose children to use them as prescribed, which limits creativity, so offer toys that can be used creatively in many ways.  The classics are still the best:  blocks, paints, clay, puppets, dolls, stuffed animals, vehicles.  Teacher Katie Ness encourages parents to let kids "have at it with materials in the recycling bin" to see what they can create.  

6.  Strew.

     Every day, pick a few toys, books or projects and "strew" them (neatly) around your child's play area.  Your child doesn't want to be told what to do, but will experience these "found" objects as an invitation to play.  For instance,

• Add some dried beans to a baking pan with a small dump truck and shovel.
• Put some old magazines, safe scissors, glue and paper on a cookie sheet.
• Leave a box of colorful scarves in the middle of the floor, with two of them knotted together.
• Prop up a book your child likes, with a stuffed animal ready to read it.
• Combine cookie cutters with clay on a cookie sheet.
• Group paper towel tubes, tape and marbles in a box.
• Gather a few art supplies (pipe cleaners, google eyes, corks, glue) on a cookie sheet.
• Set up a tea party with stuffed animals.    

     "I'm bored!" is a phrase currently echoed throughout the land during these trying times.  Most parents can attest to the fact that boredom can lead to secondary issues, like sibling rivalry or whining, sassing, and tantrums, says Wendy Young of Kidlutions.  While boredom, in and of itself has been shown to foster creativity in kids, and is not the enemy, it has been widely touted as such.  The truth is, BOREDOM IS NOT THE ENEMY.  The underlying issue is our children's emotions or their underdeveloped problem-solving skills.  Boredom can help kids exercise their imagination muscle, but we might need to give them some support and guidance to get there.

     The next time your child whines and says, "I'm bored," don't jump in with a long list of things they can do to occupy their time.  Chances are, they will groan at your suggestions anyway.  So, coach children by putting the ball back in their court and help them build some brainstorming and problem-solving skills.  Try this new response:

    Kid:  "I'm bored."

    Parent:  "What do you plan to do about that?"

    Our job is not to swoop in and fix every uncomfortable feeling our child has.  It's to guide them to find solutions, in a loving and empathetic manner.  Allow your child to take ownership of their own boredom and foster a sense of growth mindset.  Challenge them to create lists of things that they can do when they feel bored.  Creating their own lists help them stretch their imaginations and gives them more "buy in".  In this week's Social Emotional lessons, students are asked to brainstorm in both silly and serious situations.  Children are stuck in their reptilian brains when they can't think of how to solve a problem, or they think that only one solution will work (i.e. more screen time).  We want to help them practice using their Wizard brains to solve the problems they will face in life.

     Ann McKay Bryson of Aperture Education also encourages parents to recognize that the need for social distancing has filled our children's lives with genuine disappointment.  From not being able to go to a friend's house to play ... to not being able to participate in high school graduation ceremonies, our children are experiencing justified loss and frustration.  The strategy of EVEN IF can help ease some of that disappointment.  Instead of focusing on all the negative, EVEN IF THEY CAN'T have their friends over for their birthday party, THEY CAN STILL have a virtual party.  This sentence stem (Even if... I can still...) helps children develop a life-long mindset and the skill of brainstorming various alternatives (plan B, C, D). 

    For elementary students -- it may help to focus on what fun things they can still do with their friends.  In addition to virtual sleepovers, they can also learn a new game to play with their friends.  

    For middle school students -- learning a new skill like cooking (EVEN IF I CAN'T go to my favorite Mexican restaurant, I CAN STILL learn to make tacos at home) can be fun and rewarding.

   For high school students -- being able to contribute to the family and community can help them find meaning in their situation (EVEN IF I CAN'T go to my part-time job, I CAN STILL help by making home-made face masks).

   For preschool students -- try to help youngsters focus on the fun things they can still do at home like learning new games to play, snuggling up and watching a show with family, or going on daily walks in the neighborhood.  EVEN IF I CAN'T go to preschool, WE CAN STILL set up a pretend preschool classroom in my bedroom.  EVEN IF WE CAN'T go see a movie, E CAN STILL make popcorn, grab a blanket and watch a movie as a family.

   For Infants and Toddlers -- parents can use this strategy to develop their own optimistic thinking.  EVEN IF I CAN'T take my baby to visit grandma, I can use the computer to schedule meetings using screen sharing. 

     Dr. Markham reminds us that the only way to get through disappointment is the way we get through any other kind of loss:  We need to grieve.  Our children may need for us to validate and honor their grief.  She offers four time-honored ways of supporting ourselves as we collectively grieve.  We can address grief by brainstorming in these areas:

• CONNECTION.  We find meaning in what matters most -- connection to our deeper selves, to our loved ones, to nature and the divine, even to strangers.
• ACTIVITY.  Learning new things, making art, growing a garden, cooking, cleaning, creating order in our lives.  We find meaning when we engage in the ongoing activities of life, despite our loss.  
• SERVICE.  We begin to see our loss, no matter how great, in the larger context of life, including the lives and losses of others.
• GOING DEEPER.  We can all access a deeper wisdom and compassion, if we bypass the mind and listen to the heart.  There are so many ways to do this, with meditation, yoga, and mindfulness practices, including simply journaling and gratitude practices.  

   So how might your family use the skill of brainstorming to work through your losses and grief?  Is there a way for your family to be of service at this time, even from the safety of your home?  Is there a way to find new ways to connect with each other at a safe distance, or even virtually?  What are ways to learn something new or create beauty?  How could you use this time to learn how to better manage your thoughts and fears through mindfulness practices?  

    I hope this article sheds new light on addressing children's boredom, disappointment, and neediness.  Children are signaling a whole range of social emotional needs and skills they are trying to develop~ skills we can intentionally nourish at this time.   💞