Kids who Misbehave are often craving Connection

"Every time you think of calling a kid 'attention-seeking', 

consider changing it to 'connection-seeking', 

and see how your perspective changes."  

~Dr. Jody Carrington

     On Weds, Oct 9th, parents will gather for the next Mountain Strong Families presentation to talk about Connecting Deeply with Our Children in order to Help them Learn.  One aspect of deep connection is being mindful about screen usage when we are with our children.  The bond our children develop to us (or fail to fully develop) is primarily created in face-to-face interactions when we are responding with empathy to their feelings and needs.  Unfortunately, we live in a culture of nonstop screen usage which can interfere with the ability of our children to bond and connect with us; to feel like we are really present with, and there for them.   

     Fewer children are entering Kindergarten with the ability to regulate their emotions.  These skills are developed in face-to-face interactions with caring adults.  If we want our children to have strong social-emotional skills, we may need to rethink our usage of screens when we are with them.  Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed. D. tackles this issue head on in Put Your Phone Away and Pay Attention to Your Kids. She reminds us of the valuable social-emotional lessons our children will miss if we are distracted by our screens.  

     As hard as it can be to limit our phone use, says Hartwell-Walker, below are five important reasons to do so:

1.  Providing positive attention when kids are doing positive things builds a strong value system and positive self-esteem. Responding with enthusiasm to their attempts to master new things ensures that the kids will keep trying.  The "look at me's" you hear on the playground and in your kitchen are your kids asking for your approval and encouragement.  When you do look, really look, and smile and wave, the kids will soak it up.  They try again.  They push themselves to the next level.

2.  Giving kids positive attention also puts a big deposit in their emotional bank.  When kids know that their folks think they have what it takes to handle life's problems, they develop confidence in their ability to take on life's challenges.  When parents put their phones down (or turn off the TV or shut down their computer) and talk to them seriously about what they are doing, their skills grow and their self-confidence blossoms.  Later, when those same kids hit the inevitable troubles in life, they will have what it takes to cope.

3.  Babies light up when bigger people make eye contact and talk directly to them.  They are taking in the rhythm and sounds of our voices.  They are learning the words for the things and people of their world.  They are learning how those words get strung together.  Television doesn't help children learn language.  It's too passive.  They need to experience the give and take that comes with interacting with another warm, caring human being.  Parking them in front of even the best children's TV is no substitute for the give and take that goes on between babies and their parents.  Many parents are amazed when their little one suddenly moves from saying one and two words at a time to a full sentence.  "Where did all that come from?" they ask.  It came from listening to adults who talked to them, not around them because they're on the phone.

4.  Conversation builds brain power.  Little kid's brains are sponges.  The more we talk to them, the more their brains absorb.  Even children who are far too young to carry on a real conversation are taking in far more than adults may realize.  Parents who talk to their kids with complicated sentences are setting them up for success in school and in life.  One and two word answers don't do it.  Commands don't do it.  A momentary break in your phone conversation to acknowledge them doesn't do it either.  Kids need to hear language used to describe and explain their world.  That's one of the many good reasons to read to children.  It's not just for the entertainment of the stories.  It's also an important way for them to hear and take in the richness of language.

5.  Our kids need our first priority to be our relationship with them, not our phones.  Children learn how to be with other people and how to love by being with people who love them, teach them, encourage and comfort them.  Contrary to conventional wisdom, quality time is not a substitute for regular moments of interest, talk, and participation in their lives.  Yes, quality time has a certain special quality.  We all remember big celebrations, vacations, or trips to the zoo.  But those days are special because they are rare.  For kids to grow, they need us to be curious about their experiences and to comment on what is going on around us in an ongoing way. (I love my phone as much as the next person.  I love that it helps me stay regularly connected with my extended family.  I find it reassuring that my kids can always reach me.  I stay in touch with far-flung friends, former students, and family members through Facebook and tweets.  I check the weather, glance at headlines and Google information.  There's no way I want to go back to the old days with a party line on the one phone in the house.)  But kids need us to remember that when we are with them, we need to put our phones away (and confiscate theirs).  Providing kids with direct attention and interested conversation is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting.  

     Research indicates that when we are deeply connected to our children, they are more likely to listen to our direction and guidance.  Karen Young explains this by using our understanding of neuroscience:  

     When our kids or teens feel close to us, they get a juicy dose of oxytocin created in their brains.  This calms the fight or flight response (often exhibited in challenging behavior) and lets the prefrontal cortex switch on.  Every time we are physically close to them, speak gently and warmly, hold or touch them, their brain will release oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the bonding hormone which is released when we feel close and connected to our important people.  The amygdala, which drives the fight or flight response, has receptors for oxytocin.  It's the part of the brain that will throw the body into fight or flight, but it's also wired to calm down when it feels safe.  The way it feels safe is through social connection.  When we gently move close to our children, let them know we see them, loan them our 'calm' , the amygdala will (eventually) calm down.  It will release its hold, switch off the fight or flight response, and make way for the prefrontal cortex (thinking and empathetic part of the brain) to switch back on.  If we want children to be open to learning, our connection with them will be vital in bringing them to a space in which this can happen.  

Learn more about simple techniques for connecting with your child on Oct 9th from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org 

A Body Knows -- Teaching Our Children to Listen to their Bodies

Emotions are "energy in motion" pulsating throughout your body.  An important skill of emotional intelligence is being able to notice the physical sensations in your body that indicate you are experiencing an emotion and be able to  put a name to it.

      Children don't automatically make the connection between an upset stomach and anxiety, or a hot face and anger, or a heavy chest and sadness.  When they learn to pay attention to the messages their bodies are giving them, they develop self awareness about their emotional state.  When they mindfully listen to their bodies, they will learn to know what they are feeling and what they need.  Being mindfully aware of their bodies also allows children to "catch" themselves as they begin to feel an emotion; to soothe themselves before they become completely dysregulated.  When they are aware of their inner world, it helps them decide what self care strategies they need to ease their strong emotions and help them connect to their thinking brains.

      To help children develop this skill, parents can model (1) noticing their own body sensations, (2) putting a feeling word to it, and (3) doing something to help themselves regulate their emotions.  For instance, "I'm starting to breathe faster and my face is hot and red.  I know that means I'm getting really frustrated because you haven't done your chores yet.  I'm gonna take the dog for a walk and when I come back I should feel better and ready to talk with you."

    Even if children have a basic understanding of feelings, they may not fully grasp other more in-depth emotional concepts.  Teach children to learn a larger emotional vocabulary, explain that emotions have different levels (slightly annoyed to irate), and discuss how you can feel multiple emotions at once.  Learning about emotions will help children understand their own feelings and develop greater self awareness on a daily basis.  
     
     Another way to help children of all ages tune into their emotional state is to practice mindfulness together.  Mindfulness can help children be aware of the way their body reacts physically and emotionally to life's challenges.

     Every day at Nederland Elementary, the entire school pauses to clear our minds, slow our heart rate, and breathe deeply as we begin our day.  Mindfulness instructor, Patti Schrader, leads exercises during the announcements.  Neuro-scientists have shown that slowing ourselves down in a regular practice leads to greater self awareness and calmer emotions, as well as greater attention for learning and compassion for others.  This year-long curriculum provides a predictable, soothing start to each day.

     Families may want to explore various Mindfulness apps to use as a regular part of your child's bedtime routine as well.  The apps can help your child achieve a relaxed state in preparation for sleep.  These apps include short, developmentally appropriate exercises that have been specifically designed for use with children.  They are a great tool to guide children through a short breathing exercise -- tuning them into their body and balancing their nervous system.

 Mindfulness Apps for Kids

     Smiling Mind includes the most extensive library of meditations to use with children aged
    7 -12  years, teens and adults.  FREE.

     Meditations for Kids by Highly Meditated includes 10 short themed meditations as well 
     as relaxing environmental sounds/musical pieces.  They use guided imagery to help children
     manage worry and anxiety, everyday stress, fidgeting, and fear of the dark.  Age 6+.  $

     Dreamy Kids by Taylan Wenzel includes meditations and guided visualizations that can be
    combined with relaxing background ambient sounds.  Free app has a limited number of 
    resources, but further programs can be purchased. 

     Wellbeyond Meditation for Kids includes 5 short meditations with themes about focusing
     on the present moment, feelings, kindness, and sleep.  FREE

     Stop, Breathe & Think Kids includes a series of short, video meditation "missions" with 
     seven categories-- quiet, focus, caring and connecting, energizing, meltdown, open mind, 
     and sleep.  FREE.

     Super Stretch Yoga integrates visual images of children doing 12 simple yoga poses.  It 
     helps younger children to stretch their bodies, rest their minds and focus their breathing.  For
     ages 4+.  FREE.

     Sleep Meditation for Kids by Christiane Kerr  only includes one free 13 minute guided 
     meditation.  Further meditations can be purchased within the app.  For younger children and 

    teens.  FREE. 

Angry?! How Naming and Understanding the Different Kinds of Anger Can Help

   

     "To tame your anger," says Michaeleen Doucleff, "it may take time to observe and name it."  Children at NES have been trying to expand their emotions vocabulary so they can explicitly and accurately describe how they are feeling.  For some, that means not saying "everything" makes them "mad."  For others, it means distinguishing between being annoyed or bitter, beginning to feel irritated, feeling disappointed, jealous or frustrated, or saying they are really "furious" or "outraged" about the situation.  Being able to pin point what they are feeling allows students to decide if it is a fleeting emotion or if they may need to select a strategy to lower their intense emotion.  In addition, just naming what is going on inside of oneself helps bring the prefrontal cortex online with the emotional limbic system.  It serves to regulate and soothe the emotion.  It also helps others understand what is going on with us.

     Doucleff goes on to write about her revelation about anger and the power of naming it precisely.  See if her ideas resonate with your life...

     Over the past three years, I've had one major goal in my personal life:  To stop being so angry.  Anger has been my emotional currency.  I grew up in an angry home.  Door slamming and phone throwing were basic means of communication.  I brought these skills to my 20-year marriage.  "Why are you yelling?" my husband would say.  "I'm not," I'd retort.  Oh wait.  On second thought:  "You're right.  I am yelling."  

     Then three years ago, an earthquake hit our home:  We had a baby girl.  And all I wanted was the opposite.  I wanted her to grow up in a peaceful environment -- to learn other ways of handling uncomfortable situations.

     So I went to therapy.  I kept cognitive behavioral therapy worksheets.  I took deep breaths, counted to 10 and walked out of rooms.  And I even meditated at night.  These strategies helped me manage the anger, but they never really decreased it.  It was like keeping a feral horse in a barn.  I was contained, but not really domesticated.

     Then, six months ago, I was talking with Lisa Feldman Barrett, a psychologist at Northeastern University.  Right at the end of the hour-long interview, she tossed out this suggestion:  "You could increase your emotional granularity."   

     My emotional what?  "Go learn more emotion words and emotion concepts from your culture and other cultures," she added.  Over the past 30 years, Feldman Barrett has found evidence that anger isn't one emotion but rather a whole family of emotions.  And learning to identify different members of the family is a powerful tool for regulating your anger, studies have shown.  Or better yet, as I found, go and make up your own anger categories and start using them.  

     There's a common theory about anger.  You'll find it in text books, scientific papers, news reports.  And some scientists support the theory, says Feldman Barrett.  The idea is that anger is one of several "basic emotions" that are universal.  It's almost like a reflex -- hard-wired in the brain.  When something unjust or unfair happens to you, "your blood pressure often goes up.  Your heart rate will go up.  Maybe you'll breathe heavily or you'll have a reddening of your skin.  Then you'll have an urge...to punch or yell at someone.  "That's the stereotype of what anger is," Feldman Barrett says.  But it's not the full story.

     What you feel when you're angry depends on the situation, what your past experiences are and how your culture has taught you to respond, she says.  As a result, there is actually enormous variation in the types of anger in the U.S. , like exuberant anger when you're getting pumped up to compete in sports, or sad anger when your spouse or boss doesn't appreciate you.  

     When you look at other cultures, the variation explodes.  Germans have a word that roughly means "a face in need of a slap," or backpfeifengesicht.  "It's like you're so furious with someone that you look at their face, and it's as if their face is urging you to punch them," Feldman Barrett says.  "It's a great emotion."

     Ancient Greeks differentiated between a short-term anger that doesn't stick around (orge) with a long-lasting anger that's permanent (menin).  Mandarin Chinese has a specific word for anger directed toward yourself.  It's literally a combination of regret and hate, says linguist Yao Yao at Hong Kong Polytechnic University.  "You regret something you did so much, that you're angry at yourself," she says.  

     Thais have, at least, seven degrees of anger, says linguist Yuphaphann Hoonchamlong at the University of Hawaii.  "We don't walk around saying 'I'm angry.'  That's too broad.  "We may start with 'I'm displeased' and 'I'm dissatisfied' and then increase the intensity," she says.  And India is a treasure trove of angers.  "There's a common form of anger which means like 'when eggplant hits the hot oil,' says Abhijeet Paul, who teaches South Asian literature at Middlebury College.  "You suddenly become, like, really angry at hearing something shocking or learning something that you really, really dislike," Paul says.  

     Indians also differentiate between political anger, which you have for the ruling class or "boss man," and personal angers, which you have for a friend, family or neighbor.  You would never mix the two and express political anger in a personal relationship, Paul says.  "There's also a very interesting anger that is a loving anger," Paul says.  You express this emotion toward a spouse when your spouse has angered you but you can't help the, only love them, he says.  "It's a bag of love, grief, sorrow and anger."

     So in many ways, anger is like wine.  There are these major varieties -- such as chardonnay and pinot noir-- but each vintage has its own unique combination of aromas, flavors and potency.  The more practice you have at detecting -- and naming -- these nuances, the better you understand wine.

     And if you learn to detect all the various flavors and nuances of anger and label them, you can start to handle your anger better, says psychologist Maria Gendron at Yale University.  "There's definitely emerging evidence that just the act of putting a label on your feelings is a really powerful tool for regulation," Gendron says.  It can keep the anger from overwhelming you.  It can offer clues about what to do in response to the anger.  And sometimes, it can make the anger go away.  

     The ideas is to take a statement that's broad and general, such as "I'm so angry," and make it more precise.  take the Thai:  "I'm displease," or the German "Backpfeifengesicht!"   Psychologists call this strategy emotional granularity.  Studies show that the more emotional granularity a person has, the less likely they are to shout or hit someone who has hurt them.  They are also less likely to binge drink when stressed.  On the other hand, people diagnosed with major depressive disorder are more likely to have low emotional granularity compared to healthy adults.  

      "There's a whole arm of research showing how functional it is to have finely tuned categories for our experiences," Gendron says.  Emotional granularity is like watching HDTV versus regular TV.  It lets you see your anger with higher resolution, Gendron says.  "It gives you more information about what that anger means, whether you value that experience and choices about what to do next, " she says.  

     This last part is key:  Being granular with your anger helps you figure out what's the best way to handle the situation -- or whether you should do anything at all.  For instance, if you are feeling a burst of anger, which you know will fade rapidly, then maybe doing nothing is the best strategy.  

     And you don't have to limit yourself to the labels that already exist, Gendron says.  Be creative.  Analyze what's causing your various angers, give them specific names and start using the terms with family and coworkers.  "If you are making a practice in your family of coming up with words and then using them together, that actually can regulate physiology," she says.  "That can resolve the kind of ambiguity about the situation."

     Personally, I found this strategy the most helpful.  I started paying attention to what typically triggers my anger at work and at home.  And I found three major types, which I named.
      ILLOGICAL ANGER:  This emotion happens when somebody at work makes a decision that seems completely illogical.  Once I labeled this anger and started tracking what happens afterwards, I quickly realized that trying to convince an illogical person of logic is often futile -- and a waste of time.
     HURRY-UP ANGER:  This is the anger I feel when someone else is not doing something fast enough -- yes, I'm talking about the driver of the gray Prius at the stoplight this morning or the 3-year-old who will not put her shoes on fast enough.  Once I labeled it, I realized that cars, people and toddlers eventually move.  Huffing and puffing doesn't make it faster.  
     DISONOPHOUS ANGER:   This is my favorite anger.  And has the biggest impact on my life.  I wanted to figure out how to decrease yelling at our house.  So I started paying attention to what often occurred right before the screaming began.  It was super obvious:  The dog was barking and the toddler was screaming.  Basically two loud sounds simultaneously.  
      So my husband and I made up disonophous anger from the Latin for "two sounds."     Now when my husband says, "I have disonophous anger, Michealeen..."  we know exactly what to do:  Put the dog on the porch and pick up the baby.  

    Have FUN coming up with specific names for your child's anger!   See if stretching your child's emotional vocabulary helps them handle their emotions a little better.  

      

ReThinking Discipline and Finding New Friends

     

      As families shared a plate of chicken chop suey and Colorado peach cobbler, two moms met and became instant comadres.  They looked across the room and noticed each other holding their own 4-month-old baby.  Who would have thought that their babies were born just three days apart,  they both live near Ward, and the two of them were at the Mountain Strong Families presentation reflecting upon how they will raise their bundles of joy?  An instant friendship was launched as they realized they were both rearing their offspring on the mountain tops and gulches surrounding Nederland.  And who couldn’t use a new friend to help them be the best parent one can be?

     At the second Mountain Strong Families presentation on September 10^th, local school counselors Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller began the conversation about ReThinking Discipline by using Dr. Dan Siegel’s workbook, No-Drama Discipline.  Parents were asked to consider which discipline style they use when they are at their best and what their default style looks like when they are exhausted and frustrated with their child’s behavior.  It is common that parents threaten consequences, send their child into timeout, react inconsistently or struggle to set boundaries, overreact in a harsh way, or engage in power struggles with toddlers to teenagers.  The job of parenting taxes us all.

     The No-Drama Discipline Workbook begins with clarifying the word discipline derives from the Latin word meaning “to teach skills.”   Dr. Siegel believes there are usually better ways to teach skills than by giving immediate consequences.  Instead of punishment, he suggests that we try to help our children think about their actions, feelings and needs.  We would all love for our children to just obey us in the short run, but in the long run our goal is to have them develop self- control, a moral compass, and grow up to be kind and responsible people.  Every child needs discipline in order to develop into a successful adult.

     The first step in developing a thoughtful and intentional discipline style-- one which will produce responsible and compassionate people-- is to make sure you aren’t reacting from autopilot when your child misbehaves.  Adult caretakers need to make sure they are regulating themselves before responding and disciplining children.  Parents suggested several tools that help them shift from a knee-jerk reaction to their child smearing peanut butter on the couch (or climbing out the window to hang with friends on a Friday night).  Some of their favorite ways to PAUSE before responding to the teachable moment were to (1) reflect on how you are feeling and what you need in that situation,  (2) stop and look at how small the child’s hands are while realizing they are still learning and growing,  (3)  pause and remember three things you love about them,  (4) or take three deep, slow breaths before saying anything.  Strategies like these help adults put their oxygen mask on first.  It allows discipline to feel safe and loving instead of humiliating and scary to the child.

     The second step suggested by Kron and Mueller was to ask yourself three simple questions which will help you respond to your child with curiosity instead of frustration.  Ask yourself WHY is my child acting like this?  (Are they hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?  Is there some need being met by their behavior?  What is their perspective in this situation?)   WHAT skill do they need to learn in this situation?  HOW can I best teach this lesson?  (Do I need to soothe them and lower their emotions before I can guide them to make better choices?)  Considering the answers to these three questions often helps parents respond differently to the situation.

     The third thing to consider when disciplining a child is to distinguish between a child who “can’t” and “won’t” behave.  Kids who fail to behave as they are expected to are often seen as being willfully disobedient, as just deciding to be difficult.  While many parents take misbehavior personally and see it as an act of defiance, Dr. Siegel helps parents realize that most misbehavior represents the child indicating that they don't know how to control themselves and make good decisions.  The child often does not have the language skills, social skills, emotional regulation skills, or the capacity to act any differently than they are acting.  They are often emotionally dysregulated or lack the skill set to behave better.  We adults often have unrealistic expectations for a child’s age and stage of development.  They often “can’t” behave any differently.  They need our help, showing them how to make better choices.   

     The final “aha” moment for parents came when Kron and Mueller explained how brain science is helping us understand behavior in a different way.  Humans are born with a fully developed “lizard” or reptilian brain.  This part of our brain helps us process emotions up to 500 times faster than our brain processes thoughts and choices.  Our first reaction to situations is an emotional one, not a well-thought out, measured response.  When a situation produces uncomfortable emotions in us, our survival mechanism is triggered and we react with fight, flight, or freezing behaviors.  The child who yells or pushes (fights), the adolescent that slams the bedroom door when given limits (flight), the 3^rd grader who clams up and won’t tell you what is going on (freeze) … are all in their defensive survival mode. 

     It takes children until their mid-to-late 20’s to fully develop their “wizard brain” or thoughtful prefrontal cortex.  This developing brain allows them to soothe their intense emotions, think through decisions, verbalize their thoughts and feelings, develop empathy for how others are feeling, brainstorm choices and creatively problem solve.  Note to self:  no one can learn when they are in their “lizard” brain.  Our endless lectures are falling on deaf ears when our child’s emotions are elevated.  Our response to their behavior can either enrage them, i.e. lock them in their lizard brain where they cannot think things through, or engage them in connecting with their wise, compassionate brain where they can reflect and learn.   Science has shown that addressing kids' emotional needs is actually the most effective approach to addressing behavior over time, as well as developing their brains in ways that allow them to handle themselves better as they grow up.

     We adults are most frustrated and stressed out when our children aren’t behaving-- when the connection between their lizard and wizard brain has been lost-- or they have flipped their lid.  There are many strategies parents can use to help build neural pathways between the emotional and thoughtful parts of their children’s brain.  A few shared ideas included – showing empathy for how the child is feeling (naming their emotions to tame them), validating how they feel (“I can see how that would upset you”), soothing the child to deescalate their intense emotional reaction (“let’s hug and take three deep breaths together, then we’ll talk about what happened”), giving clear choices (say “yes” with a condition attached), and collaborating with the child to solve the problem (“how can I help you work through this?”). 

     Hearing this helpful parenting information, parents were dying to apply this knowledge to real world experiences.  The Mountain Strong Families presentations at Nederland Elementary School on October 9, November 6, and December 3^rd will offer chances to practice strategies and skills when children are “spoiled, disrespectful, defiant” (…oops, rethink as emotionally dysregulated with undeveloped skills).  Come shift your thinking, develop new tools, and find more joy in your role as parent!   RSVP for the next free family dinner, childcare and presentation, “How Connecting Deeply with our Children Helps them Learn,” to ann@teensinc.org.

How to de-stress before taking on your child's challenging behaviors

     

In between the wonderful moments with your children, there are many times that your role can feel frustrating, stressful and exhausting.  When you’re feeling flooded and your amygdala is keeping your thoughtful upstairs brain from functioning as it should, it can seem impossible to respond to your child’s major meltdowns and defiance with anything but exasperation.  It is easy to get stuck feeling annoyance with our child --over the whining, the back talk, the stalling and ignoring your requests, the grabbing, the hitting, the defiance, the refusal to participate in an activity - or to go to sleep. 

     But underneath all that irritating behavior, your child is trying to tell you something. That difficult behavior is his best attempt at asking for your help.  However, it doesn't mean you just settle in and let him run the roost. Not at all. It just means you've got to figure out how to decode the message, and then pull together a plan to help him.
     On Tuesday, September 10th, two Nederland school counselors -- Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller -- will help parents dig out the "why" of children's behavior, and then help us make a plan to address the challenging behaviors and irritating attitudes.   It's time to ReThink Discipline now that we know so much more about how children's brains develop.  

     Last month, during the first Mountain Strong Families presentation, local counselors Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy helped us begin to examine our stress from parenting and learn nurturing ways to balance our nervous system before responding to our child’s behavior.
First, Evans asked us to notice where chronic stress is housed in our bodies -- zeroing in on where our muscles were constricted.  Stress causes our muscles to tighten up and this can create serious health problems if we are not moving that tension out of our bodies on a regular basis. We were then encouraged to consciously “open up” the constricted area (chest, head, jaw, stomach, shoulders) by focusing our thoughts and breathing into that spot until we felt more relaxed.  
      Too often in our culture,  we are paralyzed by the stress in our life and choose to numb ourselves with a little wine, weed, or endless wifi instead of moving the cortisol and tension out of our bodies.  Substance use that numbs us doesn’t actually remove the tension and stress hormones from our bodies.

As parents, we need a go-to list of tools that will move our brains from a reactive state to a more responsive one.  We were asked to think of numerous, quick self-care ideas we could perform for one minute here, one minute there, instead of bottling up our tension and waiting for a “spa day” to release it all. “Try shaking it off, going for a walk in nature, doing a vigorous workout” so that your body isn’t holding onto your stress hormones indefinitely, said Evans.   
   Other simple stress-reducers included bringing more laughter and lightness into our serious, anxious lives.  “Have family members share a funny joke at dinner time,” said Purdy. This can be a fun tradition that helps shift the focus temporarily away from a child who can't sit still,  won’t eat their vegetables, or who is drumming on the table to annoy his sister.   

Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy

     Evans also showed parents a simple technique for using all our senses to lower stress levels.  Parents made a list of the pleasant things we like to touch, smell, see, taste, and listen to.  By taking a moment to merely access these images in our brain (think chocolate chip cookies and ocean breezes), our amygdala is soothed and we can respond to our children's behavior from a more relaxed state.

Purdy then encouraged parents to change their thinking and language when it comes to the stress in our lives.  Our brain’s default mode is for negative thinking. For instance, we might catch ourselves thinking - “My daughter always makes us late!”  instead of reframing that thought into- “Currently, she is having challenges getting ready on time.” We were encouraged to reframe thoughts like, “My son never helps with chores” into “Right now, Skylar prefers to hang with his peers instead of assisting the family.”  Or when we catch ourselves thinking “I’m a horrible parent,” can we change the conversation in our head to "I didn’t handle that situation very well yesterday"?  

     Stress is a natural result of hard things, but the language we use to narrate our situation can either increase or decrease our stress levels.  When we think about our child’s challenging behaviors, it helps to reframe it as temporary and specific instead of permanent and universal in nature.  We have some control over the intensity of our body’s stress response if we intentionally shift our thinking about our children, ourselves, and the situation.  

When we choose healthy ways to lower our stress, it gives us the creative capacity to actually work on and fix the problem at hand. Join us for the next four Mountain Strong Families presentations. They are a great chance to begin creating a conscious plan for addressing challenging behavior with our kids.

Understanding how our brains affect our behavior

     Your child is learning how their brain works and how this affects their behavior, well being, and relationships.  There are three parts of our brain that influence our ability to process social and emotional information:

1.  The BRAINSTEM is the oldest part of the brain.  It oversees automatic functions like breathing, digestion, and heart rate.  It speaks to us through PHYSICAL SENSATIONS and lets us know when we are feeling physical pain, a racing heart, tight muscles or butterflies in our stomach. These physical sensations can change based on the emotional energy that is pulsating through our bodies.       You can help your child focus their attention on the sensations in their body to get clues about what they are feeling.  “I notice my shoulder feels tight. … I must be stressed out from my workload this week.  What do you notice your body is telling you?”

      2) The LIMBIC SYSTEM (or Lizard Brain) in the mid-brain is composed of the amygdala, hypothalamus, hippocampus, etc.  This is where EMOTIONS are created to send us important info about how we are feeling and should respond.  This is also where the fight or flight mechanism is quickly triggered to keep us safe.  This survival mode is constantly on alert, scanning for danger and making our bodies react quickly and unconsciously to perceived threats.  Our first response to everything is an emotional one.  The Lizard Brain interprets every intense emotion we feel as Fear-- making us overreact to small social challenges until our Limbic System is soothed and reassured.  During a meltdown, the Lizard Brain temporarily “takes over” control of our brain -- spewing words and exhibiting behaviors that can feel explosive and hurtful. 

   Thinking about emotions can get our rational brain integrated back with our limbic system.  Young children often do not know how to identify what they are feeling.  Helping them put feeling words to their experience is crucial to helping them regulate their intense emotions. 


     3)  The “THINKING” part of our brain (PREFRONTAL CORTEX or Wizard Brain) which is in the front of our brain continues to develop until our mid-20’s.  It helps us utilize language, creativity, problem solving, logic, predicting, planning, and empathy in our decisions.  During meltdowns and throughout the teenage years, adults often serve the role of helping a child find these calmer, rational, kinder, thoughtful responses to life’s challenges.

     As long as a child’s Wizard Brain is not talking directly to and modulating their Lizard Brain, the Limbic System is left in complete control.  Caring adults can utilize a few techniques to help the child regulate their emotions and give the steering wheel back to their wise Prefrontal Cortex—

a.  Focus on Soothing, Safety and Security.  Use a calm tone of voice, open body language while moving down to their level, and a calming presence with few words so as not to escalate the situation.  Phrases like “This is hard.”   “It’s okay, we’ll get through this,” speak directly to the lower brain and reduce the child’s/teen’s fear and anxiety when things aren’t going their way. 

b. Name it to Take it.  Help the child identify which emotions they are feeling in the moment.  Be a translator.  Hear the message underneath their message.  Help your child think about emotions to help the thinking part of their brain start to get back in control.  Naming our feelings soothes the fight or flight mechanism.  Say things like:  "It seems like you're feeling really frustrated with your brother right now."

c. Regulate your own breathing and identify your own emotions while empathizing with your child can deescalate the situation.  You will be sending calming mirror neurons that your child's brain will pick up on.  You will be helping their Wizard Brain work along with their Lizard Brain to think about how to address the situation that has triggered their emotions.  Take 3 deep breaths before you intervene in a difficult situation.  Then practice regulation strategies together -- 10 deep breaths, going for a walk, counting backwards to 20. 

Practice Making a Hand-Brain that doesn’t Flip Your Lid!   

* Pick a feeling together and think of a time you each felt it strongly -- Worried, Embarrassed, Angry, Excited, Disappointed. 
* Make a hand-brain that has flipped its lid (with fingers flung wide open.) 
* Think and talk about where you feel that emotion or sensation in your body.     
* Fold your fingers over your thumb as you practice a calming strategy together.

     Help your child understand that when they have strong emotions, it just means that their Wizard Brain isn't talking to their Lizard Brain.  If they first utilize calming strategies to balance their nervous system and lower their emotions, they can eventually utilize their wise Wizard Brain to  problem-solve in the situation.    Understanding how our brains work help us know when to self soothe in order to access our creative and compassionate wisdom.  

     Please JOIN US for the next MOUNTAIN STRONG FAMILIES SERIES on Tuesday, September 10th.  NES counselors, Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller, will explain how a child's brain develops so that we can adjust our discipline approach to help children learn strong social-emotional skills.    When we draw from the new discoveries in brain science, we will want to tackle misbehavior differently.  RSVP for "Rethinking Discipline"  at ann@teensinc.org

Mindful Parenting: Your #1 Responsibility as a Parent

     

     MINDFULNESS is slowing down to notice what is going on INSIDE yourself (i.e. thoughts, feelings, body sensations) and curiously noticing what is going on OUTSIDE of yourself -- through your senses, while noticing other people and your environment.

     Research has confirmed that by developing a daily mindfulness practice, our brains develop differently -- in three important ways.  Mindful breath work shrinks the grey matter in our Reptilian Brain (amygdala) so that we don't feel as anxious, sad, or angry.  Mindfulness increases our ability to focus and access our working memory in the Hippocampus so that we can learn.  And finally, a Mindfulness practice activates our prefrontal cortex and builds more neural pathways between our Lizard and Wizard Brain so we are able to be more patient, compassionate, and in control our emotions and behaviors.

     Students are practicing mindfulness every morning at NES to reap these very benefits.  Dr. Laura Markham of ahaparenting.com believes Mindful Parenting is the #1 Responsibility of Parents --

     "Being a parent loads you with so many responsibilities that it may surprise you to hear that after keeping your child physically safe and cared for, your top responsibility is mindfulness, which allows you to self-regulate.
     Mindfulness, simply means that you bring your conscious attention to your experience, in a non-judgmental, accepting way.  When you become more aware of your own feelings, thoughts, and body sensations, you gain more ability to CHOOSE your response to what's happening, instead of getting hijacked by your emotions.
     That's essential if we want to be the patient, emotionally generous parents that every child needs.  After all, you may know great parenting skills or strategies, but you can't use them if you're not calm and centered.  What matters most in parenting is who you ARE as you interact with your child.  That's why I say that cultivating mindfulness, so we can regulate our own emotions, is our #1 responsibility as parents.
     Your child is fairly certain to act like a child, which means someone who is still learning, has different priorities than you do, and can't always manage her feelings or actions.  Her childish behavior is guaranteed, at times, to push your buttons.  ....The problem is when we  react from our own Reptilian brain.  If, instead, we can stay mindful --meaning we notice our emotions but make a conscious, responsible choice about how to act on them -- we model emotional regulation and our children learn from watching us.
     There's a reason the airlines tell us to put on our own oxygen masks first.  Kids can't reach those masks or be relied on to use them properly.  If we lose our function, our kids can't save us, or themselves.
     Kids can't manage their own rage by themselves, either.  They can't find their way through the tangle of jealousy that pushes them to whack their little sister.  They need our help to handle the fear that we don't love them because they somehow just aren't quite good enough.  They can't help themselves (or control their first impulses), however hard they try not to.  (Sort of like when we eat that extra piece of cake.)
     So just as with the oxygen mask, it's your job to help your child with his emotions, which is what helps him with his behavior.  Unfortunately, when you're stressed out, exhausted, and running on empty, you can't be there constructively for your child, any more than if you black out on the plane.
     That's why your first responsibility in parenting is always being mindful of your own inner state.  Mindfulness is the opposite of "losing" your temper.  Don't get me wrong -- mindfulness doesn't mean you don't feel anger.  Being mindful means that you pay attention to what you're feeling, but don't act on it.  Anger is part of all relationships.  It's acting on it mindlessly, with words or actions, that compromises our parenting (and other relationships).
     The challenge with human emotions is that so often we're confused about what to do when we feel them.  We're hard-wired to respond to all "negative" emotion (those blinking red lights in your psyche that light up throughout your day) in one of three ways:  fight, flight or freeze.
     Those strategies work well in most emergencies.  But parenting -- despite our fears-- is not usually an emergency.  Usually, in parenting and in life, the best response to upsetting emotions (and behaviors) is not to take action while we're triggered.
     You can count on finding yourself triggered at times, but if you can train yourself to notice when you start to lose it, you have the choice to return yourself back to a state of equilibrium.  That peaceful place inside insures that our actions are wise and loving.  That "peaceful place" is when our compassionate and thoughtful Wizard Brain is soothing and connecting to our emotional Lizard Brain.  
     How can you stay centered?  The truth is, you probably can't!  What you CAN do is keep returning yourself to center.
     1.  Notice when you're not feeling centered, whether that means you're getting anxious, annoyed, frustrated or tired.
     2.  Use your inner Pause Button:  Stop, Drop and Breathe.  That means you stop what you're doing.  You drop your agenda, just for the moment.  (Yes, he has to take a bath.  But for this moment, drop your agenda and step away from the fight.)  Then, take a few deep breaths and blow them out, to calm yourself.  That stops your slide down the slippery slope toward losing it and lets you choose a better way.
     3.  Shift your state toward love.  Consciously choose a thought or action that will make you feel more calm and emotionally generous.  It might be as simple as taking a few minutes alone and breathing deeply.  But even if you realize you need a bigger change, take a small action now to move toward a better future.  That means making a conscious choice to respond to whatever situation you're in with love, for yourself and for your child.

Every choice, deep down, is between LOVE and FEAR.  Choose LOVE."

     For more ideas about reducing stress in your life and parenting in a way that feel calmer to you, join us this Thursday, August 29th from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School.  Local counselors, Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy, will facilitate "Embracing the Stress of Parenting -- Learning How to Nurture Yourself while you Raise Amazing Children."