Angry?! How Naming and Understanding the Different Kinds of Anger Can Help

   

     "To tame your anger," says Michaeleen Doucleff, "it may take time to observe and name it."  Children at NES have been trying to expand their emotions vocabulary so they can explicitly and accurately describe how they are feeling.  For some, that means not saying "everything" makes them "mad."  For others, it means distinguishing between being annoyed or bitter, beginning to feel irritated, feeling disappointed, jealous or frustrated, or saying they are really "furious" or "outraged" about the situation.  Being able to pin point what they are feeling allows students to decide if it is a fleeting emotion or if they may need to select a strategy to lower their intense emotion.  In addition, just naming what is going on inside of oneself helps bring the prefrontal cortex online with the emotional limbic system.  It serves to regulate and soothe the emotion.  It also helps others understand what is going on with us.

     Doucleff goes on to write about her revelation about anger and the power of naming it precisely.  See if her ideas resonate with your life...

     Over the past three years, I've had one major goal in my personal life:  To stop being so angry.  Anger has been my emotional currency.  I grew up in an angry home.  Door slamming and phone throwing were basic means of communication.  I brought these skills to my 20-year marriage.  "Why are you yelling?" my husband would say.  "I'm not," I'd retort.  Oh wait.  On second thought:  "You're right.  I am yelling."  

     Then three years ago, an earthquake hit our home:  We had a baby girl.  And all I wanted was the opposite.  I wanted her to grow up in a peaceful environment -- to learn other ways of handling uncomfortable situations.

     So I went to therapy.  I kept cognitive behavioral therapy worksheets.  I took deep breaths, counted to 10 and walked out of rooms.  And I even meditated at night.  These strategies helped me manage the anger, but they never really decreased it.  It was like keeping a feral horse in a barn.  I was contained, but not really domesticated.

     Then, six months ago, I was talking with Lisa Feldman Barrett, a psychologist at Northeastern University.  Right at the end of the hour-long interview, she tossed out this suggestion:  "You could increase your emotional granularity."   

     My emotional what?  "Go learn more emotion words and emotion concepts from your culture and other cultures," she added.  Over the past 30 years, Feldman Barrett has found evidence that anger isn't one emotion but rather a whole family of emotions.  And learning to identify different members of the family is a powerful tool for regulating your anger, studies have shown.  Or better yet, as I found, go and make up your own anger categories and start using them.  

     There's a common theory about anger.  You'll find it in text books, scientific papers, news reports.  And some scientists support the theory, says Feldman Barrett.  The idea is that anger is one of several "basic emotions" that are universal.  It's almost like a reflex -- hard-wired in the brain.  When something unjust or unfair happens to you, "your blood pressure often goes up.  Your heart rate will go up.  Maybe you'll breathe heavily or you'll have a reddening of your skin.  Then you'll have an urge...to punch or yell at someone.  "That's the stereotype of what anger is," Feldman Barrett says.  But it's not the full story.

     What you feel when you're angry depends on the situation, what your past experiences are and how your culture has taught you to respond, she says.  As a result, there is actually enormous variation in the types of anger in the U.S. , like exuberant anger when you're getting pumped up to compete in sports, or sad anger when your spouse or boss doesn't appreciate you.  

     When you look at other cultures, the variation explodes.  Germans have a word that roughly means "a face in need of a slap," or backpfeifengesicht.  "It's like you're so furious with someone that you look at their face, and it's as if their face is urging you to punch them," Feldman Barrett says.  "It's a great emotion."

     Ancient Greeks differentiated between a short-term anger that doesn't stick around (orge) with a long-lasting anger that's permanent (menin).  Mandarin Chinese has a specific word for anger directed toward yourself.  It's literally a combination of regret and hate, says linguist Yao Yao at Hong Kong Polytechnic University.  "You regret something you did so much, that you're angry at yourself," she says.  

     Thais have, at least, seven degrees of anger, says linguist Yuphaphann Hoonchamlong at the University of Hawaii.  "We don't walk around saying 'I'm angry.'  That's too broad.  "We may start with 'I'm displeased' and 'I'm dissatisfied' and then increase the intensity," she says.  And India is a treasure trove of angers.  "There's a common form of anger which means like 'when eggplant hits the hot oil,' says Abhijeet Paul, who teaches South Asian literature at Middlebury College.  "You suddenly become, like, really angry at hearing something shocking or learning something that you really, really dislike," Paul says.  

     Indians also differentiate between political anger, which you have for the ruling class or "boss man," and personal angers, which you have for a friend, family or neighbor.  You would never mix the two and express political anger in a personal relationship, Paul says.  "There's also a very interesting anger that is a loving anger," Paul says.  You express this emotion toward a spouse when your spouse has angered you but you can't help the, only love them, he says.  "It's a bag of love, grief, sorrow and anger."

     So in many ways, anger is like wine.  There are these major varieties -- such as chardonnay and pinot noir-- but each vintage has its own unique combination of aromas, flavors and potency.  The more practice you have at detecting -- and naming -- these nuances, the better you understand wine.

     And if you learn to detect all the various flavors and nuances of anger and label them, you can start to handle your anger better, says psychologist Maria Gendron at Yale University.  "There's definitely emerging evidence that just the act of putting a label on your feelings is a really powerful tool for regulation," Gendron says.  It can keep the anger from overwhelming you.  It can offer clues about what to do in response to the anger.  And sometimes, it can make the anger go away.  

     The ideas is to take a statement that's broad and general, such as "I'm so angry," and make it more precise.  take the Thai:  "I'm displease," or the German "Backpfeifengesicht!"   Psychologists call this strategy emotional granularity.  Studies show that the more emotional granularity a person has, the less likely they are to shout or hit someone who has hurt them.  They are also less likely to binge drink when stressed.  On the other hand, people diagnosed with major depressive disorder are more likely to have low emotional granularity compared to healthy adults.  

      "There's a whole arm of research showing how functional it is to have finely tuned categories for our experiences," Gendron says.  Emotional granularity is like watching HDTV versus regular TV.  It lets you see your anger with higher resolution, Gendron says.  "It gives you more information about what that anger means, whether you value that experience and choices about what to do next, " she says.  

     This last part is key:  Being granular with your anger helps you figure out what's the best way to handle the situation -- or whether you should do anything at all.  For instance, if you are feeling a burst of anger, which you know will fade rapidly, then maybe doing nothing is the best strategy.  

     And you don't have to limit yourself to the labels that already exist, Gendron says.  Be creative.  Analyze what's causing your various angers, give them specific names and start using the terms with family and coworkers.  "If you are making a practice in your family of coming up with words and then using them together, that actually can regulate physiology," she says.  "That can resolve the kind of ambiguity about the situation."

     Personally, I found this strategy the most helpful.  I started paying attention to what typically triggers my anger at work and at home.  And I found three major types, which I named.
      ILLOGICAL ANGER:  This emotion happens when somebody at work makes a decision that seems completely illogical.  Once I labeled this anger and started tracking what happens afterwards, I quickly realized that trying to convince an illogical person of logic is often futile -- and a waste of time.
     HURRY-UP ANGER:  This is the anger I feel when someone else is not doing something fast enough -- yes, I'm talking about the driver of the gray Prius at the stoplight this morning or the 3-year-old who will not put her shoes on fast enough.  Once I labeled it, I realized that cars, people and toddlers eventually move.  Huffing and puffing doesn't make it faster.  
     DISONOPHOUS ANGER:   This is my favorite anger.  And has the biggest impact on my life.  I wanted to figure out how to decrease yelling at our house.  So I started paying attention to what often occurred right before the screaming began.  It was super obvious:  The dog was barking and the toddler was screaming.  Basically two loud sounds simultaneously.  
      So my husband and I made up disonophous anger from the Latin for "two sounds."     Now when my husband says, "I have disonophous anger, Michealeen..."  we know exactly what to do:  Put the dog on the porch and pick up the baby.  

    Have FUN coming up with specific names for your child's anger!   See if stretching your child's emotional vocabulary helps them handle their emotions a little better.  

      

ReThinking Discipline and Finding New Friends

     

      As families shared a plate of chicken chop suey and Colorado peach cobbler, two moms met and became instant comadres.  They looked across the room and noticed each other holding their own 4-month-old baby.  Who would have thought that their babies were born just three days apart,  they both live near Ward, and the two of them were at the Mountain Strong Families presentation reflecting upon how they will raise their bundles of joy?  An instant friendship was launched as they realized they were both rearing their offspring on the mountain tops and gulches surrounding Nederland.  And who couldn’t use a new friend to help them be the best parent one can be?

     At the second Mountain Strong Families presentation on September 10^th, local school counselors Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller began the conversation about ReThinking Discipline by using Dr. Dan Siegel’s workbook, No-Drama Discipline.  Parents were asked to consider which discipline style they use when they are at their best and what their default style looks like when they are exhausted and frustrated with their child’s behavior.  It is common that parents threaten consequences, send their child into timeout, react inconsistently or struggle to set boundaries, overreact in a harsh way, or engage in power struggles with toddlers to teenagers.  The job of parenting taxes us all.

     The No-Drama Discipline Workbook begins with clarifying the word discipline derives from the Latin word meaning “to teach skills.”   Dr. Siegel believes there are usually better ways to teach skills than by giving immediate consequences.  Instead of punishment, he suggests that we try to help our children think about their actions, feelings and needs.  We would all love for our children to just obey us in the short run, but in the long run our goal is to have them develop self- control, a moral compass, and grow up to be kind and responsible people.  Every child needs discipline in order to develop into a successful adult.

     The first step in developing a thoughtful and intentional discipline style-- one which will produce responsible and compassionate people-- is to make sure you aren’t reacting from autopilot when your child misbehaves.  Adult caretakers need to make sure they are regulating themselves before responding and disciplining children.  Parents suggested several tools that help them shift from a knee-jerk reaction to their child smearing peanut butter on the couch (or climbing out the window to hang with friends on a Friday night).  Some of their favorite ways to PAUSE before responding to the teachable moment were to (1) reflect on how you are feeling and what you need in that situation,  (2) stop and look at how small the child’s hands are while realizing they are still learning and growing,  (3)  pause and remember three things you love about them,  (4) or take three deep, slow breaths before saying anything.  Strategies like these help adults put their oxygen mask on first.  It allows discipline to feel safe and loving instead of humiliating and scary to the child.

     The second step suggested by Kron and Mueller was to ask yourself three simple questions which will help you respond to your child with curiosity instead of frustration.  Ask yourself WHY is my child acting like this?  (Are they hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?  Is there some need being met by their behavior?  What is their perspective in this situation?)   WHAT skill do they need to learn in this situation?  HOW can I best teach this lesson?  (Do I need to soothe them and lower their emotions before I can guide them to make better choices?)  Considering the answers to these three questions often helps parents respond differently to the situation.

     The third thing to consider when disciplining a child is to distinguish between a child who “can’t” and “won’t” behave.  Kids who fail to behave as they are expected to are often seen as being willfully disobedient, as just deciding to be difficult.  While many parents take misbehavior personally and see it as an act of defiance, Dr. Siegel helps parents realize that most misbehavior represents the child indicating that they don't know how to control themselves and make good decisions.  The child often does not have the language skills, social skills, emotional regulation skills, or the capacity to act any differently than they are acting.  They are often emotionally dysregulated or lack the skill set to behave better.  We adults often have unrealistic expectations for a child’s age and stage of development.  They often “can’t” behave any differently.  They need our help, showing them how to make better choices.   

     The final “aha” moment for parents came when Kron and Mueller explained how brain science is helping us understand behavior in a different way.  Humans are born with a fully developed “lizard” or reptilian brain.  This part of our brain helps us process emotions up to 500 times faster than our brain processes thoughts and choices.  Our first reaction to situations is an emotional one, not a well-thought out, measured response.  When a situation produces uncomfortable emotions in us, our survival mechanism is triggered and we react with fight, flight, or freezing behaviors.  The child who yells or pushes (fights), the adolescent that slams the bedroom door when given limits (flight), the 3^rd grader who clams up and won’t tell you what is going on (freeze) … are all in their defensive survival mode. 

     It takes children until their mid-to-late 20’s to fully develop their “wizard brain” or thoughtful prefrontal cortex.  This developing brain allows them to soothe their intense emotions, think through decisions, verbalize their thoughts and feelings, develop empathy for how others are feeling, brainstorm choices and creatively problem solve.  Note to self:  no one can learn when they are in their “lizard” brain.  Our endless lectures are falling on deaf ears when our child’s emotions are elevated.  Our response to their behavior can either enrage them, i.e. lock them in their lizard brain where they cannot think things through, or engage them in connecting with their wise, compassionate brain where they can reflect and learn.   Science has shown that addressing kids' emotional needs is actually the most effective approach to addressing behavior over time, as well as developing their brains in ways that allow them to handle themselves better as they grow up.

     We adults are most frustrated and stressed out when our children aren’t behaving-- when the connection between their lizard and wizard brain has been lost-- or they have flipped their lid.  There are many strategies parents can use to help build neural pathways between the emotional and thoughtful parts of their children’s brain.  A few shared ideas included – showing empathy for how the child is feeling (naming their emotions to tame them), validating how they feel (“I can see how that would upset you”), soothing the child to deescalate their intense emotional reaction (“let’s hug and take three deep breaths together, then we’ll talk about what happened”), giving clear choices (say “yes” with a condition attached), and collaborating with the child to solve the problem (“how can I help you work through this?”). 

     Hearing this helpful parenting information, parents were dying to apply this knowledge to real world experiences.  The Mountain Strong Families presentations at Nederland Elementary School on October 9, November 6, and December 3^rd will offer chances to practice strategies and skills when children are “spoiled, disrespectful, defiant” (…oops, rethink as emotionally dysregulated with undeveloped skills).  Come shift your thinking, develop new tools, and find more joy in your role as parent!   RSVP for the next free family dinner, childcare and presentation, “How Connecting Deeply with our Children Helps them Learn,” to ann@teensinc.org.

How to de-stress before taking on your child's challenging behaviors

     

In between the wonderful moments with your children, there are many times that your role can feel frustrating, stressful and exhausting.  When you’re feeling flooded and your amygdala is keeping your thoughtful upstairs brain from functioning as it should, it can seem impossible to respond to your child’s major meltdowns and defiance with anything but exasperation.  It is easy to get stuck feeling annoyance with our child --over the whining, the back talk, the stalling and ignoring your requests, the grabbing, the hitting, the defiance, the refusal to participate in an activity - or to go to sleep. 

     But underneath all that irritating behavior, your child is trying to tell you something. That difficult behavior is his best attempt at asking for your help.  However, it doesn't mean you just settle in and let him run the roost. Not at all. It just means you've got to figure out how to decode the message, and then pull together a plan to help him.
     On Tuesday, September 10th, two Nederland school counselors -- Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller -- will help parents dig out the "why" of children's behavior, and then help us make a plan to address the challenging behaviors and irritating attitudes.   It's time to ReThink Discipline now that we know so much more about how children's brains develop.  

     Last month, during the first Mountain Strong Families presentation, local counselors Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy helped us begin to examine our stress from parenting and learn nurturing ways to balance our nervous system before responding to our child’s behavior.
First, Evans asked us to notice where chronic stress is housed in our bodies -- zeroing in on where our muscles were constricted.  Stress causes our muscles to tighten up and this can create serious health problems if we are not moving that tension out of our bodies on a regular basis. We were then encouraged to consciously “open up” the constricted area (chest, head, jaw, stomach, shoulders) by focusing our thoughts and breathing into that spot until we felt more relaxed.  
      Too often in our culture,  we are paralyzed by the stress in our life and choose to numb ourselves with a little wine, weed, or endless wifi instead of moving the cortisol and tension out of our bodies.  Substance use that numbs us doesn’t actually remove the tension and stress hormones from our bodies.

As parents, we need a go-to list of tools that will move our brains from a reactive state to a more responsive one.  We were asked to think of numerous, quick self-care ideas we could perform for one minute here, one minute there, instead of bottling up our tension and waiting for a “spa day” to release it all. “Try shaking it off, going for a walk in nature, doing a vigorous workout” so that your body isn’t holding onto your stress hormones indefinitely, said Evans.   
   Other simple stress-reducers included bringing more laughter and lightness into our serious, anxious lives.  “Have family members share a funny joke at dinner time,” said Purdy. This can be a fun tradition that helps shift the focus temporarily away from a child who can't sit still,  won’t eat their vegetables, or who is drumming on the table to annoy his sister.   

Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy

     Evans also showed parents a simple technique for using all our senses to lower stress levels.  Parents made a list of the pleasant things we like to touch, smell, see, taste, and listen to.  By taking a moment to merely access these images in our brain (think chocolate chip cookies and ocean breezes), our amygdala is soothed and we can respond to our children's behavior from a more relaxed state.

Purdy then encouraged parents to change their thinking and language when it comes to the stress in our lives.  Our brain’s default mode is for negative thinking. For instance, we might catch ourselves thinking - “My daughter always makes us late!”  instead of reframing that thought into- “Currently, she is having challenges getting ready on time.” We were encouraged to reframe thoughts like, “My son never helps with chores” into “Right now, Skylar prefers to hang with his peers instead of assisting the family.”  Or when we catch ourselves thinking “I’m a horrible parent,” can we change the conversation in our head to "I didn’t handle that situation very well yesterday"?  

     Stress is a natural result of hard things, but the language we use to narrate our situation can either increase or decrease our stress levels.  When we think about our child’s challenging behaviors, it helps to reframe it as temporary and specific instead of permanent and universal in nature.  We have some control over the intensity of our body’s stress response if we intentionally shift our thinking about our children, ourselves, and the situation.  

When we choose healthy ways to lower our stress, it gives us the creative capacity to actually work on and fix the problem at hand. Join us for the next four Mountain Strong Families presentations. They are a great chance to begin creating a conscious plan for addressing challenging behavior with our kids.

Understanding how our brains affect our behavior

     Your child is learning how their brain works and how this affects their behavior, well being, and relationships.  There are three parts of our brain that influence our ability to process social and emotional information:

1.  The BRAINSTEM is the oldest part of the brain.  It oversees automatic functions like breathing, digestion, and heart rate.  It speaks to us through PHYSICAL SENSATIONS and lets us know when we are feeling physical pain, a racing heart, tight muscles or butterflies in our stomach. These physical sensations can change based on the emotional energy that is pulsating through our bodies.       You can help your child focus their attention on the sensations in their body to get clues about what they are feeling.  “I notice my shoulder feels tight. … I must be stressed out from my workload this week.  What do you notice your body is telling you?”

      2) The LIMBIC SYSTEM (or Lizard Brain) in the mid-brain is composed of the amygdala, hypothalamus, hippocampus, etc.  This is where EMOTIONS are created to send us important info about how we are feeling and should respond.  This is also where the fight or flight mechanism is quickly triggered to keep us safe.  This survival mode is constantly on alert, scanning for danger and making our bodies react quickly and unconsciously to perceived threats.  Our first response to everything is an emotional one.  The Lizard Brain interprets every intense emotion we feel as Fear-- making us overreact to small social challenges until our Limbic System is soothed and reassured.  During a meltdown, the Lizard Brain temporarily “takes over” control of our brain -- spewing words and exhibiting behaviors that can feel explosive and hurtful. 

   Thinking about emotions can get our rational brain integrated back with our limbic system.  Young children often do not know how to identify what they are feeling.  Helping them put feeling words to their experience is crucial to helping them regulate their intense emotions. 


     3)  The “THINKING” part of our brain (PREFRONTAL CORTEX or Wizard Brain) which is in the front of our brain continues to develop until our mid-20’s.  It helps us utilize language, creativity, problem solving, logic, predicting, planning, and empathy in our decisions.  During meltdowns and throughout the teenage years, adults often serve the role of helping a child find these calmer, rational, kinder, thoughtful responses to life’s challenges.

     As long as a child’s Wizard Brain is not talking directly to and modulating their Lizard Brain, the Limbic System is left in complete control.  Caring adults can utilize a few techniques to help the child regulate their emotions and give the steering wheel back to their wise Prefrontal Cortex—

a.  Focus on Soothing, Safety and Security.  Use a calm tone of voice, open body language while moving down to their level, and a calming presence with few words so as not to escalate the situation.  Phrases like “This is hard.”   “It’s okay, we’ll get through this,” speak directly to the lower brain and reduce the child’s/teen’s fear and anxiety when things aren’t going their way. 

b. Name it to Take it.  Help the child identify which emotions they are feeling in the moment.  Be a translator.  Hear the message underneath their message.  Help your child think about emotions to help the thinking part of their brain start to get back in control.  Naming our feelings soothes the fight or flight mechanism.  Say things like:  "It seems like you're feeling really frustrated with your brother right now."

c. Regulate your own breathing and identify your own emotions while empathizing with your child can deescalate the situation.  You will be sending calming mirror neurons that your child's brain will pick up on.  You will be helping their Wizard Brain work along with their Lizard Brain to think about how to address the situation that has triggered their emotions.  Take 3 deep breaths before you intervene in a difficult situation.  Then practice regulation strategies together -- 10 deep breaths, going for a walk, counting backwards to 20. 

Practice Making a Hand-Brain that doesn’t Flip Your Lid!   

* Pick a feeling together and think of a time you each felt it strongly -- Worried, Embarrassed, Angry, Excited, Disappointed. 
* Make a hand-brain that has flipped its lid (with fingers flung wide open.) 
* Think and talk about where you feel that emotion or sensation in your body.     
* Fold your fingers over your thumb as you practice a calming strategy together.

     Help your child understand that when they have strong emotions, it just means that their Wizard Brain isn't talking to their Lizard Brain.  If they first utilize calming strategies to balance their nervous system and lower their emotions, they can eventually utilize their wise Wizard Brain to  problem-solve in the situation.    Understanding how our brains work help us know when to self soothe in order to access our creative and compassionate wisdom.  

     Please JOIN US for the next MOUNTAIN STRONG FAMILIES SERIES on Tuesday, September 10th.  NES counselors, Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller, will explain how a child's brain develops so that we can adjust our discipline approach to help children learn strong social-emotional skills.    When we draw from the new discoveries in brain science, we will want to tackle misbehavior differently.  RSVP for "Rethinking Discipline"  at ann@teensinc.org

Mindful Parenting: Your #1 Responsibility as a Parent

     

     MINDFULNESS is slowing down to notice what is going on INSIDE yourself (i.e. thoughts, feelings, body sensations) and curiously noticing what is going on OUTSIDE of yourself -- through your senses, while noticing other people and your environment.

     Research has confirmed that by developing a daily mindfulness practice, our brains develop differently -- in three important ways.  Mindful breath work shrinks the grey matter in our Reptilian Brain (amygdala) so that we don't feel as anxious, sad, or angry.  Mindfulness increases our ability to focus and access our working memory in the Hippocampus so that we can learn.  And finally, a Mindfulness practice activates our prefrontal cortex and builds more neural pathways between our Lizard and Wizard Brain so we are able to be more patient, compassionate, and in control our emotions and behaviors.

     Students are practicing mindfulness every morning at NES to reap these very benefits.  Dr. Laura Markham of ahaparenting.com believes Mindful Parenting is the #1 Responsibility of Parents --

     "Being a parent loads you with so many responsibilities that it may surprise you to hear that after keeping your child physically safe and cared for, your top responsibility is mindfulness, which allows you to self-regulate.
     Mindfulness, simply means that you bring your conscious attention to your experience, in a non-judgmental, accepting way.  When you become more aware of your own feelings, thoughts, and body sensations, you gain more ability to CHOOSE your response to what's happening, instead of getting hijacked by your emotions.
     That's essential if we want to be the patient, emotionally generous parents that every child needs.  After all, you may know great parenting skills or strategies, but you can't use them if you're not calm and centered.  What matters most in parenting is who you ARE as you interact with your child.  That's why I say that cultivating mindfulness, so we can regulate our own emotions, is our #1 responsibility as parents.
     Your child is fairly certain to act like a child, which means someone who is still learning, has different priorities than you do, and can't always manage her feelings or actions.  Her childish behavior is guaranteed, at times, to push your buttons.  ....The problem is when we  react from our own Reptilian brain.  If, instead, we can stay mindful --meaning we notice our emotions but make a conscious, responsible choice about how to act on them -- we model emotional regulation and our children learn from watching us.
     There's a reason the airlines tell us to put on our own oxygen masks first.  Kids can't reach those masks or be relied on to use them properly.  If we lose our function, our kids can't save us, or themselves.
     Kids can't manage their own rage by themselves, either.  They can't find their way through the tangle of jealousy that pushes them to whack their little sister.  They need our help to handle the fear that we don't love them because they somehow just aren't quite good enough.  They can't help themselves (or control their first impulses), however hard they try not to.  (Sort of like when we eat that extra piece of cake.)
     So just as with the oxygen mask, it's your job to help your child with his emotions, which is what helps him with his behavior.  Unfortunately, when you're stressed out, exhausted, and running on empty, you can't be there constructively for your child, any more than if you black out on the plane.
     That's why your first responsibility in parenting is always being mindful of your own inner state.  Mindfulness is the opposite of "losing" your temper.  Don't get me wrong -- mindfulness doesn't mean you don't feel anger.  Being mindful means that you pay attention to what you're feeling, but don't act on it.  Anger is part of all relationships.  It's acting on it mindlessly, with words or actions, that compromises our parenting (and other relationships).
     The challenge with human emotions is that so often we're confused about what to do when we feel them.  We're hard-wired to respond to all "negative" emotion (those blinking red lights in your psyche that light up throughout your day) in one of three ways:  fight, flight or freeze.
     Those strategies work well in most emergencies.  But parenting -- despite our fears-- is not usually an emergency.  Usually, in parenting and in life, the best response to upsetting emotions (and behaviors) is not to take action while we're triggered.
     You can count on finding yourself triggered at times, but if you can train yourself to notice when you start to lose it, you have the choice to return yourself back to a state of equilibrium.  That peaceful place inside insures that our actions are wise and loving.  That "peaceful place" is when our compassionate and thoughtful Wizard Brain is soothing and connecting to our emotional Lizard Brain.  
     How can you stay centered?  The truth is, you probably can't!  What you CAN do is keep returning yourself to center.
     1.  Notice when you're not feeling centered, whether that means you're getting anxious, annoyed, frustrated or tired.
     2.  Use your inner Pause Button:  Stop, Drop and Breathe.  That means you stop what you're doing.  You drop your agenda, just for the moment.  (Yes, he has to take a bath.  But for this moment, drop your agenda and step away from the fight.)  Then, take a few deep breaths and blow them out, to calm yourself.  That stops your slide down the slippery slope toward losing it and lets you choose a better way.
     3.  Shift your state toward love.  Consciously choose a thought or action that will make you feel more calm and emotionally generous.  It might be as simple as taking a few minutes alone and breathing deeply.  But even if you realize you need a bigger change, take a small action now to move toward a better future.  That means making a conscious choice to respond to whatever situation you're in with love, for yourself and for your child.

Every choice, deep down, is between LOVE and FEAR.  Choose LOVE."

     For more ideas about reducing stress in your life and parenting in a way that feel calmer to you, join us this Thursday, August 29th from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School.  Local counselors, Carrie Evans and Eileen Purdy, will facilitate "Embracing the Stress of Parenting -- Learning How to Nurture Yourself while you Raise Amazing Children."

Teaching Children to Value Differences

 

    This week, students at Nederland Elementary are learning about three critical social-emotional skills:   identifying their own unique identities and preferences, finding commonalities with others who appear to be different from themselves, and learning how to respond with respect and curious questions to understand people who differ from them.

    As parents, there are concrete ways we can help our children learn to know and value who they are AND know how to interact respectfully with the diversity of humanity around them.  Chris Corsi, health educator for poehealth.org, reminds parents that "children's curiosity knows no bounds.  Sometimes the questions they ask about others portray falsehoods that kids may have already begun to internalize.  Children often have questions when they encounter people they see as different from themselves.  This is perfectly natural, and it creates an opportunity to engage kids in important conversations to help them actively choose to be inclusive of people who (at first) seem unlike them."

     Tiffany Jana, How to Talk About Diversity with your Kids, offers these suggestions as children begin to notice differences between themselves and others --

1.  Start the Conversation When Children Start Noticing or Experiencing Difference.  It could be a comment they make or your recognizing your youngster taking particular notice of another person who is a different race or speaks a different language.  Let your child know that you are willing to talk with them about these new things, i.e. "Yep, that woman in the wheel chair is dressed in brighter colors than others around her." or "You're right, that boy has a beautiful warm brown tone of skin."
2.  Use Media to Your Advantage.  Instead of watching and reading the status quo books and shows, branch out with your child.  Head to your local library and seek out books with diverse main characters who are different from your child.  Just read several of these books together and let the conversation be organic.
3.  Your Child May Notice Someone Who is Different Treated Poorly.  Talk with your child about the appropriate behavior and values you want them to exhibit in that situation.  Make it clear that it's unacceptable to use slurs, to use identity as an insult, or to treat somebody worse because they are different.
4.  Actions Speak Louder Than Words.  Monitor your own behavior by treating a stranger that doesn't look like you with the same respect as the stranger who does look like you.  Your actions will go a long way toward teaching children about the world you would like them to grow up in and their expected behavior in it.

     Corsi offers additional tips to help us accept and value differences --

1.  Challenge the idea of "normal".  Generally, people are treated differently because they are seen as "the other."  For children, anything outside of "normal" may seem undesirable.  It is helpful to challenge the idea of "normal" to see past differences.  All of us are born unique with different likes and group identities, so there is no one way to be "normal."

Child:  "That person sounds so weird!"
Adult:  "Well, they have an accent.  They might originally be from somewhere else.  That doesn't make them weird -- just different, and different isn't bad."

   By acknowledging differences and similarities simultaneously, kids will find they can learn from people who aren't like them.

2.  Teach children to not be afraid to ask curious questions.  It can be embarrassing to hear your child ask questions about "different" people, but questions often come from a place of innocent curiosity.  If you are unsure about how to answer their question, try:  'I need to think about your question and talk to you later.'  Children's questions and comments are a way for them to gather information about aspects of their identity and usually do not stem from bias or prejudice.
3.  Cultivate empathy and community.  It can be hard for kids to see themselves in people who are different, which is why it's important to encourage children to empathize and help them get to know people unlike themselves.   One of the best ways to improve intergroup relations is simply interpersonal contact.  Getting to know people different from oneself leads to reduced prejudice and increased understanding.

     And finally, thepositivemom.com offers ways to help children LOVE OUR DIFFERENCES and appreciate what others bring to our lives --

1.  Teach children to love their bodies.   Accepting others starts with accepting ourselves.  Teach your child to embrace their body and develop a great relationship with it, not making it a target for self-defeat and criticism.  The fundamental principal is to make clear that the way one looks is not and should not be the yardstick with which they measure their self-worth.
2.  Teach children to love variety.  We differ in appearance, culture, religious beliefs, political views, nationality, gender, marital status, educational level, and in little things like "favorite color."  Teach your child to love and embrace others who are different by explaining how they make the world better and how it would be boring without them.
3.  Teach children to find common ground.   Explaining how we are different is not enough.  We must all put an effort into finding similarities that will help us connect with others whose attributes weren't instantly attractive to us.  Focusing on how we are "the same" speeds up the process of accepting others.  Talk about the basic human needs we all share and are trying to meet.
4.  Teach children "The Work".  The Work of Byron Katie is summed up in a rhyme:  Judge your neighbor, Write it down, Ask four questions, Turn it around.  This is a helpful tool to help us change our perception with regard to others' behaviors:
     ~We catch ourselves having a judgmental thought about another person, which causes us pain, separation and/or suffering.
     ~We write it down, then ask the questions:
           a.   Is it true?
           b.  Can you absolutely know that it's true?
           c.  How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
           d.  Who would you be without that thought?
     ~We turn the thought around, which helps us ground and humble ourselves with the real truth.

     These are just a few ways to begin teaching young people how to love themselves and others, and  to accept and value others for their differences.  Ultimately, the goal is to create a more compassionate culture for current and future generations.    We parents hold this possibility for a more compassionate future for our children in our hands.

Back to School is always a BIG transition

 (Excerpts borrowed from ahaparenting.com)

Kids who are starting school for the first time or moving to a new school have to cope with the biggest adjustment, but even moving up a grade means facing more academic demands, a new teacher, and a changing social circle. The good news is that a little bit of preparation and forethought can make those first weeks of school easier for your kids – and yourself.

1. Make sure your child is familiar with the school.

If she was at the same school last year, you only need to talk about any differences this year.

·         “Now that you’re in first grade, you get to play on the big kids playground, and go eat in the lunchroom with the other kids.” 

·         “Now that you’ll be in third grade, you’ll have homework every day.” 

·         “Now that you’ll be in middle school, you’ll be walking by yourself.”

       

But if this is her first year at this school, then you’ll want to take some trips there. Even if there is a formal orientation day just before school begins, start now by taking a trip to the school. If you can get access to the playground, that’s a terrific way to help your child bond with her new school. If not, at least admire it through the fence and get her excited about the slide or climbing structure.  The more your child sees of the school, the less she’ll fret with fear of the unknown, and the more comfortable she’ll feel on the first day.  Come by to meet the new teacher for a few minutes before school starts. SUPPLY DROP OFF DAY is Tuesday, August 13^th from 2:30 -3:30pm at NES.

2.  Facilitate your child’s bonding with the teacher.

All kids need to feel connected to their teacher to feel comfortable in the classroom. Until they do, they are not ready to learn. Experienced teachers know this, and “collect” their students emotionally at the start of the school year. Obviously, if you can arrange for your child to meet the teacher in advance, by all means do so. But there are lots of ways to help your child feel like he knows even a teacher he’s never met.

Once you find out your child’s classroom assignment, begin talking about the teacher in fond and familiar terms.

If you know other kids who have been in Ms. Williams’ class, ask them to tell your child what their favorite thing was about her.

If you notice in the first week of school that your child doesn’t seem to have connected with his teacher, don’t hesitate to immediately contact her. Just explain that your child was excited before school started but doesn’t seem to have settled in yet. You’re hoping that the teacher can make a special effort to reach out to him so he connects with her and feels at home.  

3. Facilitate bonding with the other kids.

Kids are always nervous about their new teacher, but if they know any of the other kids, they’ll feel more at ease. If you’re new in town, make a special effort to meet other kids in the neighborhood.

If you can arrange for your son or daughter to travel to school that first morning with a child he or she knows, even if they aren’t in the same classroom, it will ease last minute jitters.  

***Remember to bring the whole family for a picnic at Back to School Night at NES on August 22nd from 5:30 -7:30 pm.  Meet the teacher, your child's playmates and their parents.

4. Practice saying goodbye.

For many children, the biggest challenge will be saying goodbye to you. Orchestrate small separations to practice saying goodbye, and develop a parting routine, such as a hug and a saying like

          “I love you, you love me, have a great day and I’ll see you at 3!”

You might give your child a token to hold on to that reminds her of you, such as a cut-out heart with a love note, your scarf, or a small stone you found on the beach together, that she can keep in her pocket while you’re apart and give back upon your return. Most kids like to have a picture of the family in their backpacks. Be sure to use the suggestions above for helping her bond with her new teacher; she needs to transfer her attachment focus from you to the teacher if she is to successfully let you go.

5.  Create a consistent goodbye ritual and story about her day.

If you suspect that your child might have a hard time saying goodbye, by all means speak with the teacher now and make a plan for how to handle the first day. Maybe every morning you will read your child one story and then take her over to the teacher when you say goodbye, so the teacher can comfort and distract her.

Once you have a plan, begin describing to your child what will happen at school. But don’t emphasize the goodbye, keep right on going with how fun the day will be:

“Every morning you will pick a book for me to read to you. When we finish the story, we will find Ms. Williams together. We’ll give each other a big hug and say our special goodbye. Then Ms. Williams will hold your hand and take you while I go to work. You will have snack, and play outside, and read stories, and have lunch. Every day when I pick you up I will be excited to hear who you played with that day.”

6. Start conversations about the next grade at school or about beginning school.

One good way to do this is to select books relating to that grade. Your librarian can be helpful; some good choices include books by Alan & Janet Ahlberg, Stan & Jan Berenstain, Dianne Blomberg, Marc Brown, Lauren Child, Julie Danneberg, Bonnie Graves, James Howe, Beth Norling, Marisabina Russo, and Amy Schwartz.

Get your kids excited by talking about what they can expect, including snack, playground, reading, computers, singing and art. If you know other children who will be in his class or in the school, be sure to mention that he will see or play with them. Share your own stories about things you loved about school.

Encourage her questions by asking what she thinks school will be like. That will help her to express any fears she hasn't articulated, but that are making her nervous. Emphasize the things you think she’ll enjoy but be sure not to minimize her fears; kids can be stricken by worries that adults might find silly, like finding the bathroom at school. Normalize any fears and reassure her that she will have fun, that the school can reach you if necessary, and that your love is always with her even when you aren’t. Be sure to end every conversation with “and when school is over I will be there to pick you up and we’ll have a special snack while you tell me all about your day” so that every time your child thinks about school, she remembers this reassurance.

7. If a younger sibling will be at home with you

If a younger sibling will be at home with you, be sure your child knows how boring it will be at home and how jealous you and the younger sibling are that you don’t get to go to school like a big kid. Explain that every day after school you will have special time with your big girl to hear all about her day and have a snack together.

8. Get your kids back on an early to bed schedule well before school starts.

Children need 9 1/2 to 11 hours of sleep a night, depending on their age and individual physiology. (Teens need a minimum of 9.5 hours; toddlers usually do best with 11 hours). Getting kids back on schedule so they’re sound asleep by 9pm, so they can wake by themselves at 7am for school takes a couple of weeks of gradually moving the bedtime earlier.

9. Let your child choose his own school supplies...

...whether from around your house or from the store, and ready them in his backpack or bag.

 10. If your child gets teary when you say goodbye

If your child gets teary when you say goodbye, reassure her that she will be fine and that you can’t wait to see her at the end of the day. Use the goodbye routine you’ve practiced, and then hand her off to her teacher. Don’t leave her adrift without a new attachment person, but once you’ve put her in good hands, don’t worry. Experienced teachers know about first day jitters and are used to bonding with their charges. Her tears won’t last long. If your child continues to have a hard time separating, be sure to speak with the teacher. Maybe she can give her a special job every morning or facilitate a friendship with another child who has similar interests.

11. Make sure you’re a few minutes early to pick your child up that first week of school.

Not seeing you immediately will exacerbate any anxieties he has and may panic him altogether. If your child cries when you pick him up, don’t worry. You’re seeing the stress of his having to keep it together all day and be a big boy. Your return signals that it’s safe to be his baby self again, take it as a compliment.

This is true for kids of all ages, who may have uncharacteristic meltdowns during the first week of school, or just before school starts. Chalk it up to stress, don’t be hard on them, and be sure you’re there to talk so they don’t have to resort to tantrums. Before you know it everyone will be comfortable in their new routine and not even looking back as they race into school.

Happy School Days!!