Teaching Kids about Kindness and Compassion during COVID-19

    It's never too late to teach children to care for others, but there is a critical developmental window when children's brains are especially open to developing a lifelong kindness habit. That window is from age 4 -7 years old.  According to a detailed report by Harvard researchers, here are some of the key ways to foster compassion for others:

• Kids need to hear that kindness is important,
• Kids need daily situations where they can practice caring for others, and
• We need to encourage our children to consider the perspective and struggles of others.  

   Leslie Tralli, from the Positive Parenting Community, offers some creative ways to get children out of their naturally self-centered "me, me, mine, mine" frame of mind and into an awareness of others and their needs.   Especially at this time, adults can model caring for our neighbors, our friends, family and strangers, but helping kids practice kindness will go even further.  

     Here are 5 fun activities that encourage kids to spread kindness and act with compassion:

#1  RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS gifts~
     Sit down with kids to make a fun craft specifically for someone for no particular reason.  Pet rocks, paper weights, and bookmarks are easy projects for kids to create.  

You will need:  rocks, paint, paper, scissors, crayons, markers, googly-eyes or stickers.

  For Pet Rocks:  Explore your neighborhood or the creek bed to find some nice smooth rocks.  Wash and dry them.  Either paint a background on the rock or use markers on the natural surface.  Add sweet messages to the rocks.  Deliver the rocks to a friend or neighbor's doorstep or hide them around the neighborhood for people to find.

   For Bookmarks:  Cut paper into 2" X 8" strips.  Decorate with pictures and messages.  While making the bookmark, talk about who you can give it to~ a grandparent or neighbor who likes to read.

#2  RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS Bingo ~

     Kids understand the concept of being kind, but sometimes they have difficulty putting it into action.  This activity reminds children over and over again to be kind to others.  

What you need:  paper, markers, bingo stampers or highlighters. 

Make a grid of 9, 16, or 25 squares on a piece of paper.  Children can decorate the Bingo sheet with images that come to mind when they think of kindness.  In each Bingo square, write an act kindness.  Encourage kids to help generate these ideas.  Make small hearts to cover the act with when it is completed, or use bingo stampers or highlighters to mark the board.   Play this ongoing game around the house while sheltering-in-place.  See if your children can generate ideas for how to take these acts of kindness out into the neighborhood or community.  Create a BINGO board that stretches them beyond the confines of their home.  Have a simple celebration when your family has completed the board.  

#3 PAPER CHAIN OF KINDNESS~

    This craft encourages kids to reflect on the kind things people have done for them and to think of ways to spread kindness to others.  It's a good way to talk about the concept of paying it forward.  

What you need:  Construction paper, markers or crayons, glue or tape, scissors.

Cut colorful construction paper into strips that are ready for use.  Encourage your kids to think of times when people were kind to them.  Have the kids write the act of kindness on a strip of paper, then bend it into a circle and tape or glue it.  Take each subsequent slip and loop it into the last circle to form a chain.  Make it a challenge to see how long they can make the chain in a week...by noticing and performing acts of kindness.

 

#4 LONG DISTANCE HUG~

    Help your child think of folks right now who are going through a hard time  ~ they are ill, or lonely, or have lost a job, etc.  Talk about what they are going through and how an act of kindness can help them feel noticed and loved.  

What you'll need:  Crayons, paper, string or yarn, glue or tape, scissors, envelope and stamps.

Have the kids trace their hands and cut out the shapes.  Cut a length of string or yarn and glue one end to each hand cutout.  Add a message on each hand and another note telling the recipient they are receiving a long distance hug.  Mail the hug.

#5 KINDNESS IN THE MAIL~

     What you'll need:  Thick paper or a postcard, markers, stamps.  

Cut out a 4" X 6" card.  Decorate one side of the postcard with some artwork.  Draw a line down the middle of the other side.  Write the person's address on the right side of the line.  Write a positive, encouraging, upbeat message on the left side of the line.  Mail the cards to friends or family who are far away.  Or send them to Frasier Meadows residents, c/o Molly Briggs, 350 Ponca Place, Boulder, CO  80303. This might even be a continued pen pal opportunity?  

BONUS:  A list of fantastic children's books about Kindness

Can You Make a Fight with your Partner into a Positive Learning Experience for Your Child?

        

     This week, during Social Emotional/BrainWise lessons at NES, children are practicing the key steps for resolving their conflicts in a healthy manner.  Family time can already be full of disagreements, but being together  indefinitely during a pandemic may increase the number and intensity of conflicts.  Siblings may bicker about this, that, and everything.  Parents and children may struggle with each other over the new routine.  Spouses and partners may be feeling extra tension between themselves.  Now is a good time to acknowledge how conflicts between partners can impact the watchful eyes of the children who may be caught in the crossfire.  And, it is a good time to work together with your child through the Steps to Conflict Resolution ~ assigned in Google Classroom (code sjotzxu)

     Many partners may assume they should never "fight" in front of the children, since kids often become anxious watching their caretakers argue.  But there are important lessons children can learn about conflict if adults are aware of the process they are utilizing.  According to Mark Cummings' research in Bronson's book, Nurture Shock, children get anxious when witnessing their parents disagreeing, and especially when the adults yell, insult or disrespect each other.  But when the children also see the adults "resolving" the argument with affection, the kids were fine afterwards.  

    Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com) emphasizes two key take-aways from this research:  
a.  disagreeing without yelling, insulting, or disrespecting does not have the same effect on children as witnessing parents emotionally attacking one another during a conflict, and

b. any time partners have a disagreement in front of their children, even without yelling, it is essential that you affectionately and explicitly "repair" the relationship with your partner.

   According to Markham, the following scenarios are actually terrific modeling for your child:

1.  One parent snaps at the other, then immediately course corrects:  "I'm so sorry - I'm just feeling stressed -- can we try that over?  What I meant to say was ..."   Kids learn from this modeling that anyone can get angry, but that we can take responsibility for our own emotions, apologize and re-connect.  During a conflict, you may see your child react strongly from their reptilian Lizard brain, but then you'll begin to see your child start to apologize and course correct, too.  

2.  Parents work through a difference of opinion without getting triggered and raising their voices.  For instance, if you and your partner have a good-natured discussion about who should clean the bathroom or how to spend money, your child learns that humans who live together can have different needs, values, and opinions, still listen to each other, and work toward a win/win decision -- all respectfully and with affection.

3.  Parents notice that they have a conflict brewing and agree to discuss it later.  Hopefully, this happens before there's any yelling -- or you'll be modeling yelling.  And hopefully, you can close the interaction with a big, public, hug.  If you're too mad, model taking some space to calm down and then prioritize the hug in front of your child, with a family mantra like "It's okay to get mad...You can be mad at someone and still love them at the same time... We always work things out."   This takes maturity, but it models effective self-regulation and repair for your child.  And it's crucial to restoring your child's sense of security.

BOTTOM LINE:  All couples have disagreements, but adult fierceness is always scary to kids.  Children will recover if we handle our disagreements with respect and good will, looking for solutions instead of blame.  If we yell or express disrespect, it's an emotional risk factor for children, and simply "making up" in front of the child does not ameliorate the negative effects, says Markham.  

Anger is a message to us about what we need.  There's always a way to ask for what we need without attacking the other person.  It's never appropriate to dump anger on another person, in front of your kids or not.  

Not so easy to do?  You're right.  Most of us never learned how to manage our own emotions, express our needs without attacking, and handle conflict in a healthy way.  

     Despite what we learned as a child, we can help our children learn the steps for collaborative problem-solving:

     a.  TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEM not the Person.  State the mutual problem (i.e. "We both want to use the laptop right now.")  Use an I-message to identify what is going on inside of you ~   "I feel ___ when____ because _____"(describe your emotions and what you need) instead of attacking the other person by describing them in a "You-message."  

     b.  LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND the other person's perspective.  Repeat back what you heard; re-frame their anger into their own I-message which focuses on the problem and helps them de-escalate.

     c.  THINK OF WAYS TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM.  Brainstorm several choices for working through the situation (together if possible).

      d.  CHOOSE THE BEST PLAN.  Agree to a solution that is workable and favorable to everyone.  Try it out and revise it, if necessary.

    💖Repair the relationship with an apology, a hug, or a gesture of love.💖

Stress Relief during Quarantine

Feeling Overwhelmed while at-home 24/7 with your kids?  

Those feelings of overwhelm and anxiety are part of our body's survival mechanism.  They are there to protect us and call us to action.  When the stress alarm is triggered in our brain, our older (more emotional and reactive) brain takes over.  That means the newer (more logical, compassionate, and creative brain) is put on hold.  This can make it hard to problem-solve with our children.  

When the stress alarm is triggered in us, a series of neuro-chemicals are dumped into the body to help us survive!   Your body speeds up.  Your system cools down.  Your muscles tighten up and get ready to fight.  You get extra oxygen to the bloodstream.  Your body shuts down unnecessary systems (i.e. digestion).  All this stuff makes you capable of incredible things for a short burst of time.  But if we don't use that burst of energy to "fight or flee" from something, the chemicals build up in our body.  And we feel stressed out.

"I know I'm not being the best parent I can be right now.  But I just feel so overwhelmed."

Fear is infectious during a pandemic.  Sometimes we wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.  But more often fear comes up as stress.  Worry.  Anxiety.  Overwhelm.  Anger.  Perfectionism.  Crankiness.   Over-eating.  Doom-surfing.   Or trying to control everything,  says Dr. Laura Markham from ahaparenting.com

If we let fear have its way with us, it steals our joy, our resourcefulness, our ability to be fully present.  We aren't the parents we want to be, says Markham.  

But you don't have to let fear control you, even during these difficult times.  You can acknowledge it, and then say "Thank you, Fear.  I've got this.  You can take a break."

Then take charge of your fear, with some Simple Daily Habits that help you stay centered.   These seven habits don't have to take a lot of time, but they will reliably help you feel more energized, more calm, and less overwhelmed.  

1.  Give Yourself a Break.  

        When you feel overwhelmed, it means your internal resources don't feel adequate to manage all the incoming demands.  So stop demanding so much of yourself.  You are under unprecedented pressure right now.  Don't add to that by expecting yourself to become a terrific teacher or take up a new hobby.  Keeping your family healthy, food on the table, and your own mood emotionally generous is your priority.  Your children need your good cheer much more than they need you to educate them.

2.  Move!

       Exercise changes your body chemistry to boost your mood, give you energy, and reduce the feeling of stress.  But you need to do more than make dinner and pick up after everyone.  Have a dance party with your family; put on an exercise video for the family, or get your children laughing with a roughhousing game.  Schedule this in to be sure you get to it at least once daily. 

3. Daily mindfulness practice.

      This is no longer considered a luxury practice for the folks with leisure time; it is essential to manage the stress that goes with living through a pandemic.  Your practice can be very simple, such as a short guided mediation or a yoga routine.  Start each morning with this 9 minute Meditation for Stressful Times

4. Connect.

      You're in quarantine, but you don't need to feel isolated.  Research shows that connection reduces stress.  Structure opportunities to warmly connect with each person with whom you live.  If you have more than one child, find time alone with each of them every day.  In addition, reach out via phone or video to someone who you care about but can't be with in person.  If you're feeling stressed, find a "listening partner" who will let you blow off steam without judging or trying to fix you; and return the favor for them.  And if a listening partner is hard to find, you can chat with an encouraging counselor from TEENS, Inc (970) 363-4945 every afternoon, Monday - Fridays from 1:00 - 4:00 pm.  

5.  Reduce incoming stressors.
       That means news and social media, if they increase your stress level.  And how could they not?  It also means that you need some time to yourself, every day.  See if you can build a hot bath into your day after the kids are asleep, some quiet time on the front porch, a chance to read, or something nourishing into each day.  

  

        

6. Nurture yourself.

      Managing your mood gets easier when you set up your environment to support you.  For instance, play music that soothes you.  Cook food that smells good and helps you feel healthy.  Write in a journal ~ you are living through history!   Stop doom-surfing and get yourself to bed as early as possible. If there were ever a time for self-care, this is it!  Make two lists of things that nurture you; the first that you can do while your children are with you, and the second that you can do on your own.  Then do as many of them as you can, every day!  Even if it seems to take energy to get started, they'll end up energizing you.

7.  Extend Grace.

       When we are cooped up together, it's easy to get on each other's nerves.  But collecting resentments will make you feel more stressed.  And when you gather enough kindling, you'll usually end up with a firestorm.  So choose to be emotionally generous whenever you can.  (That means put any frustrating incidents on a list to solve later, but in the moment, let them go.)

     Research on couples shows that when we're upset, it's impossible to work things out constructively.  In other words, when you're angry is NOT the time to talk about what's bothering you.  So when you get upset, first take responsibility to calm yourself.  A Magic Wand to Manage Your Stress offers a 4-Step Process that you can use to return yourself to calm any time you get angry.  When you notice that your mood is cranky, ask yourself what you need.  Five minutes to yourself?  More sleep?  Give it to yourself now, or make a plan to give it to yourself later.

     Also consider what thoughts are contributing to your cranky mood, and find antidotes.  For instance,  "I can't stand this for another whole month!" might become "I can manage this right now, and take one day at a time."

This is a hard time, there's no way around that.  But you can choose to act in ways that will make you a better parent and a healthier person, especially if you take responsibility to give yourself support.  What's a pandemic for, if not to grow into the best versions of  ourselves?  You've got this.

Here are a few stress-reducing activities to try when your children seem on overload too: 

(from GoZen.com)

a.  Reverse the stress alarm with deep breathing.  This takes your nervous system from "fight or flight" to "rest and digest."  Have your child imagine breathing in and inflating a balloon inside of their belly.  Teach them to breathe in through their nose for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 7 seconds, and breathe back out of their mouth for 8 seconds.

b.  Kick the logical brain into gear.  Anxiety skews one's perception of risk.  Re-engage their logical brain with a writing exercise.  Have your child get out a piece of paper and write down the issue causing them worry.  Next, have them write down their imagined  worst case scenario, the best scenario, and the most likely outcome.  This helps them gain perspective.

c.  Create gratitude time.  Help your child express gratitude for everything going right.  This is great practice to try right before bed and first thing in the morning.  Gratitude is associated with better sleep, increased determination, more focused attention, enthusiasm and energy.  Gratitude exercises are also correlated with a decrease in anxiety and depression.  

d.  You can find more stress-reducing activities in the BrainWise Social Emotional lessons assigned to your child this week in Ms. Ann's Google Classroom.