Fostering your Child's Healthy Sexual Development

     

     When parents gathered virtually for the Mountain Strong Families presentation "Fostering Your Child's Healthy Sexual Development" on Sept 17th and 24th, it quickly became apparent that many had received little information or shaming, guilt-ridden messages about sex while they were growing up.  Some of us experienced sexual abuse which inevitably will also influence the sex talks we need to have with our kids.  To be expected to talk openly and honestly with our children about sexual topics leaves many parents feeling overwhelmed, embarrassed, or reactive.  How do we discuss sexuality with confidence and help our children develop a body positive approach to their sexual development?  

    Trish Wood and Gretchen Fair, from Blue Sky Bridge in Boulder, spoke with Mountain Strong Families about having tough conversations with our children regarding all sorts of sexual topics.  They shared several powerful reasons why parents should make an intentional effort to talk about sex with their kids --

     a. Children may be able to get factual information from other sources, but family is often the primary source for helping to develop an individual's sense of values around sexuality.  

     b. Children whose parents talk to them about sexuality are more likely to delay intercourse, are more likely to act responsibly when they do become sexually active (Martinez, Abma, & Copen, 2010) and are safer from incidents of sexual abuse.  

     c.  Talking about sex and sexuality is the missing link in preventing a whole bunch of problems later in life ~  low self esteem, depression, guilt, body image problems, increased risk of sexual abuse, teen pregnancy, transmission of STIs, etc.    

     Parents were encouraged to start by reflecting upon which messages you got when you were a child about sexuality?  What messages did you receive about bodies, babies, and gender roles?  Hmm.  Stop for a minute and do your own reflection before reading on.  What did you learn and how did it affect your sexual development?  

     Where did you get your information about sexuality from -- parents, peers, faith organizations, books, siblings, relatives, school?  Some of us got a "drive by" approach as a book was handed to us without further explanation or discussion.  Some received information about the mechanics and biology of reproduction, but nothing directly about relationships or sexual pleasure.  We might have received information about puberty for our own gender, but not necessarily about the other genders.  Did you learn about obtaining consent, birth control options, self pleasure, body image, sexual orientation and identity, healthy relationships, pornography, sexual objectification, assault, sexual politics, or how to define your own values regarding sexuality?  Maybe not.  And that was before the Internet.  Now our children have online access to both facts and distortions, regardless of any conversations we have with them.  By age nine, most kids have seen pornographic content online.  Boys, in particular, say they learn more about sexuality from porn than from their parents.  

     Parents must be intentional about sharing accurate information and their values with their children.  If you stop and think about all the devices that are used to get online, and all the places children can get access to the Internet,  you realize that availability of sexual information is Everywhere!  Learn how to use parental controls on every device if you don't want your elementary-age child to accidentally be exposed to adult sexual content.  It should be noted that if parents offer accurate information to kids, children are less curious about scrolling online to learn about sexual topics.  

     Here are some helpful hints for parents wanting to guide their child's healthy sexual development:

1.  Clarify what your own values are regarding sexuality.  Your values are the one and only thing you can teach your kids that no one else can.  When you are clear about your sexual values, the conversations become easier.  Your partner's values may differ from yours and that's fine.  Your children will eventually develop their own values, so it's okay for both of you to talk about your perspective.  

2.  Get the facts.  Check out some books or websites designed to teach children of various ages about sexuality.    From It's NOT the Stork!  A book about girls, boys, babies, bodies, families and friends (age 3 - 6) by Robie Harris and Michael Emberley, to It's So Amazing!  A book about eggs, sperm, birth, babies and families (age 7 - 9), to The Girls (Boys) Body Book:  Everything You Need to Know for Growing Up YOU!  by Kelly Dunham et als, to It's Perfectly Normal; Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health (ages 10+), to Spare Me the "Talk"; A Guide to Sex, Relationships and Growing Up (age 13+) by Jo Langford, there are many books that can help with this process.  

     Understanding what is typical sexual behavior at each age and stage will also help you feel more confident and less reactive about your child's developing sexuality.  For instance,  

     Human beings are sexual beings from birth.  Our largest sex organ is our skin and children like to be held and caressed.  Babies begin to explore their genitals to self-soothe.  Toddlers begin to develop either a positive or negative body image, and become curious about naked bodies and gender identity.  From age 4 -6, children start wondering where babies come from, they mimic adults by kissing or holding hands, and they often play "doctor."  In early elementary school, children start talking about having a boyfriend or girlfriend, develop a deeper understanding about gender roles, may use slang words about sexuality, tell jokes about body parts, and draw nude pictures.  From age 8 -12, children look to media and peers for sexual information, compare themselves to peers in physical development, become sexually attracted to others, and usually define their sexual orientation and gender identity.  By 13, children may be considering or engaging in behaviors that are sexual in nature with their peers.  Children are naturally sexual beings.  Exploration and curiosity is normal. 

3.  Decide what you want your kids to know.  Make a list of topics, prioritize them, and practice addressing the easier ones first.  Start sharing information when your child is in preschool and build upon it as they mature.  Use the correct names for body parts.  To protect your child, make sure noone keeps "'secrets".  By age 5, simply explain the process of reproduction, discuss what body parts and practices are "private."   By age 8, share your values and rules.  Discuss adult sex with your child before their peers share derogatory words and play games of dare.  Ask your child "where did you hear that word and what do you think it means?"   Before children attend middle school, they should have a basic understanding of just about all sexual topics.  Spend a lot of time from age 8 -12 talking about respect and consent.  Help your child to read and interpret the body language of others.  Have conversations in the car when they are a captive audience.  From age 13 on up, give kids permission NOT to do what others are doing sexually.  Let them use you (their parent) as an excuse to get out of uncomfortable situations they may not be ready for.  Be open about sexual activity and the precautions that need to be taken.  If your child is uncomfortable talking to you, help identify other adults who can talk with them about sex.  

4.  Stop, breathe, and think though what you want to say.   The conversation will go better if we are calmly responding to the topic instead of having a knee-jerk reaction.  Practice, practice, practice the conversation.  If need be, circle back to a topic that you were caught off-guard by.  Merely say, "Remember when....,  let's talk more about that."  

5.  Initiate the conversation.  Use every day teachable moments when reading a book, watching a movie, or hearing song lyrics to talk about consent, gender roles, healthy relationships.    Start early and make these conversations a natural part of your family life.  Keep the talks short and sweet.  The parents who have the most impact on their kids have regular conversations about sexuality, love and relationships and are very close to their children.  Repeat yourself over and over with more detail as your child ages.    

   One resource for parents who want to have better conversations with their kids than they had is:  birdsandbeesandkids.com with Amy Lang.  Her podcasts, book suggestions, and parenting tips help ease these difficult conversations and prepare parents for this important responsibility.

    

     

Simple Strategies for Creating Sanity during Remote Learning (PART TWO)

               

       With Covid-19 and societal instability as a backdrop, your child may be responding to the start of school in a dysregulated state.  Uncooperative behavior, meltdowns, and intense emotions are to be expected from your child (and maybe even yourself as you manage your new role in home learning!)   To turn things around, copy what teachers do all year long ~ attend to the social emotional needs of your child.  Parents can draw from the myriad of simple strategies your child's teacher pulls from her toolbox every year to engage anxious, frustrated, and unmotivated children.  

   In Part One, we covered strategies from the first two pillars below.  This week, consider how to utilize strategies aligned with the last two pillars of responsive teaching methods.  Each of these necessary pillars provides specific ways to soothe children and regulate their nervous systems so they can become curious and enthusiastic learners this year!

     1.  Ensuring your own personal wellness (because self care is NOT selfish!)

     2. Creating predictability and fun routines.

     3.  Creating a strong bond with your child while ensuring their sense of safety, and

     4.  Helping your child regulate their emotions and behavior.  

 3.  Create Strong Bonds and a Sense of Safety at Home.  Teachers will be working their darndest to get to know and bond with your child virtually.  But how will you maintain and strengthen your bond with your children during this challenging time?  How will you decrease the fear and anxiety in your home that interferes with learning?  How will you remain your child's rock through this lengthy storm?  Above all, and before stressing academic learning, insure your relationship with your child is rock solid.  

     a.   Work on being super present with your child.  Children often act out when they are craving needed attention from the folks they love.  One way to fill this need is by observing your child when they are working or playing, and intentionally making positive comments about what you are noticing.  Turn off your phone or other devices when interacting with your child.  They will feel your positive presence instead of noticing that you are consistently critical, distracted or multi-tasking.

     b.  Do emotional check-ins with your child.  Ask your child to name how they are feeling once or more each day.   Ask them to expand on what may be causing them to feel that way.  Just being aware of and naming our emotions helps regulate the nervous system.  And an empathetic response from a parent about whatever the expressed emotion is... works wonders.  

     c.  Express confidence in your role as parent and teaching assistant in front of your child.  Let your child hear you say, "We've got this.  We just need to listen carefully to the directions, make a plan to get it done, and ask for help when we don't understand.  I expect you to give this your best effort each day and I will too."  Your expressed confidence will help your child feel secure.  

    d.  Do not watch the news when your young children are within hearing distance.  The unfiltered weight of the world is not appropriate for children to have to process.  If you need help explaining the racial tensions in our nation, plan to attend the Nov. 5th Mountain Strong Families workshop "How to Be an Anti-Racist Family".  If  your young child seems to be reacting to the weight of the world, help redirect them toward something they CAN control and create by sharing this simple song "Turn off the News" by Lucas Nelson:

   e.  Request a 1-on-1 virtual office meeting between your child and their teacher so they can begin to get to know each other better.  Share personal information about your family with the teacher and ask questions to learn to know them better, too.  Consider sending the teacher a video message of your child asking any questions they have about assignments instead of asking the question for them.  

                                             

     f.  Make sure your child has plenty of safe interactions with their classmates and friends.  Kids can get many of their social needs met at the beginning of the school day during a fun interactive morning meeting with their entire class.  Later in the day, your child will connect to learn in small groups with their peers.  But if they are still starving for friendship time, set up virtual friendship connection groups or lunch bunches with Althea.Abruscatto@bvsd.org, allow your child to have zoom calls with friends, or see if anyone is interested in being a pen pal who is willing to exchange weekly messages through the mail.  Kids will still enjoy playing virtually or reading to each other online (or even with grandparents!).  Fill your child's cup with some safe, meaningful social interactions.

     g.  Try to have family suppers together most nights (with screens turned off).  Tell jokes, share what you are grateful for, and ask curious questions about each other's day.  Quality family time goes a long way toward creating a strong family bond.  Even if you are working nearby your child, stop to have a lunch date together.  Share what you both have been working on.  

4.  HELP Your CHILD REGULATE their EMOTIONS.  Humans tend to react to (or mirror) the emotional energy that others give off.  All children need "coached" by adults to calm themselves when things aren't going well.

     a.  Work to stay calm when your child starts to get wound up by lowering your voice, taking 3 deep breaths, and pausing before responding to their resistance or whining.  Purposely SLOW YOURSELF DOWN and you will radiate calm energy to your distraught child.  

     b.  When your child gets upset or can't focus any longer,  engage in calming techniques TOGETHER.  Use what is referred to as a "TIME IN" by breathing or coloring together for five minutes instead of a "TIME OUT" where your child is separated without knowing how to regulate themselves.   Sit nearby and coach your child to hug themselves, gently rock back and forth, and breathe deeply together.  Go outside for a bit, or go to the window together, and look for 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, then get a drink of water and notice how it tastes.  

     c.  Practice various calming and coping strategies daily (even before you need to do them in real life).  Some tools include listening to music, journaling about feelings, self-hugs, deep breathing, and exercise.  These strategies naturally align your child's developing prefrontal cortex with their reptilian brain to aid in emotional regulation.  Build these strategies into your daily school or bedtime routine.

     d.  Set up a calming space somewhere in your house with some soothing items in it.  Encourage your child to seek out this space for 10 minutes when they need a regulation break to reset themselves for further learning.  It might include items such as a liquid timer or glitter jar, Hoberman's sphere, aroma therapy, stuffed animals, or mandalas to color.  Your child has a similar set up called a "Refocus Center" in their classroom.  Learn how to set up and use a Calming Corner at home in:  Establishing a positive tool for learning emotional self-regulation at home

     e.  Get outside EVERY day.  Fresh air, nature play, and exploration help us all feel refreshed and grounded.  Have free play, scavenger hunts, water fights, fort building, bird watching..... whatever fun our mountain weather permits.

     These practices are what teachers incorporate into the school day in order to reach and teach every child.  Teachers know that addressing anxieties and big emotions have to happen before other learning can take place.  All the caregivers who are now being asked to help with academics can use these same strategies to heal the uncertainty and chaos that is swirling around your children at this time.  Try one or more concrete steps under each Pillar and watch your child relax into a more optimistic and motivated mindset while displaying increased cooperative behavior.  

     These strategies help rewire their brain and nervous system so they can learn and grow.  However, don't expect overnight success.  A typical classroom of kids takes several weeks to settle into a routine each fall (pre-pandemic).  But by boosting each of these pillars in your home, remote learning will become easier to swallow for you and your child.  It might even become your child's best school year yet as they partner with their teacher and their parent in a whole new integrated way.  Feel free to contact us with questions or more information about these Four Pillars (kristen.kron@bvsd.org  or ann@teeninc.org).  GOOD LUCK!