Helping your child adjust to school

      

     According to Dr. Laura Markham at Ahaparenting.com, it is natural for kids to need a little extra help adjusting to the start of school. “Instead of the exuberance you expected, you may find many days -- especially Monday -- starting with tears, or maybe a tummy-ache. Your child isn't faking. Anxiety affects the body, and can result in an actual upset stomach, especially in children.” So here are some of Markham’s tips for addressing the anxiety and behavior that may appear on school days until your child feels more comfortable with going to school:

 1. Facilitate your child’s bonding with the teacher. Kids need to feel connected to an adult they think will keep them safe. So when they aren't with their parents, they need to transfer their attachment focus to their teacher, or they're too anxious to settle down and learn. If you notice that your child doesn’t feel good about school, contact the teacher immediately. Just explain that he doesn’t seem to have settled in yet, and you hope she can make a special effort to reach out to him so he feels at home.

2. Facilitate bonding with the other kids. Kids need to feel bonded with at least one other child. Ask the teacher if she’s noticed who your child is hanging with. Ask your child which kids she’d like to invite over to play. See if you can arrange a playdate. Before long, the kids will be probably be racing around the house like long lost buddies.

3. Create a parting ritual or token to hold onto during the day. For many kids, the biggest challenge is saying goodbye to you. Develop a parting ritual, such as a hug and a saying: “I love you, you love me, have a great day and I’ll pick you up at 3!” Most kids like a laminated picture of the family in their backpack. Many also like a token for their pocket, such as a paper heart with a love note, or a pebble you found on the beach together, that they can hold for reassurance if they feel alone.

4. Help your child laugh out his anxieties. Giggling is your child's way of venting anxiety, and any child who is having a tough school adjustment is feeling anxious -- fearful -- inside. Give him as many opportunities to giggle as possible. Spend some time every morning playing a chase game in your house or have a gentle pillow fight. And here are some games that specifically help kids with separation: http://www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/school-age/Help-kids-adjust-school

5. Focus your attention to stay connected. Start your child's day with a five minute snuggle in bed or on the couch, just bringing 100% of your attention to loving her. Make sure that every day after school when you're reunited, you have special time with each child to hear all about her day. Make sure to schedule in a long snuggle after lights-out to increase her sense of security.

6. Stay alert for signs about why your child is worried. Most of the time, kids do fine after a few weeks. But occasionally, their unhappiness indicates a more serious issue: he’s being bullied, or can’t see the blackboard, or doesn’t understand anything and is afraid to speak up. Ask calm questions about his day, listen deeply, and reflect what he tells you so he’ll keep talking. Start conversations by reading books about school together; your librarian can be helpful. Offer your own positive school stories (“I was so nervous the first week I couldn’t even use the bathroom at school but then I met my best friend Maria and I loved first grade”) and the assurance that he’ll feel right at home soon.

7. Make sure you’re a few minutes early to pick your child up. This is crucial. Not seeing you immediately will exacerbate any anxieties.

8. Create a calm household routine with early bedtimes. If you have to wake your kids in the morning, they aren’t getting enough sleep. Kids who aren’t well-rested don’t have the internal resources to cope with goodbyes, much less the rigors of the school day. Pre-schoolers require 10 -13 hours/night and elementary students require 9 -11 hours of sleep. And get yourself to bed early too, so you can deal calmly with the morning rush and get everyone off to a happy start.

For more ideas about connecting with your children and attending to their social emotional growth, pick up a copy of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham.

Why Getting to School is so Difficult

    Liz Emmett-Mattox, author of All Good Mornings, helps provide a deeper understanding of why getting ready for school can be so hard on us and our children.   She looks at four main factors that affect our morning vibe. 

They are --

    Internal Challenges for Children:  Our kids start the day being utterly vulnerable -- asleep in their beds surrounded by the physical and emotional warmth of “home”.  In the space of an hour, they must prepare themselves, inside and out, for the rigors of the school day.  They are preparing to meet challenges we don’t really know the details of:  the kid who teases them, the math teacher who calls on them just when they DON’T know the answer, the ever-shifting sands of social status, and the anxiety that comes with constantly learning new things.   Our kids are spending time between sleeping and leaving for school transitioning from their “home selves” to “getting their game face on”.  All the complaining, grumbling, delaying, dawdling, and resistance might be different disguises for the anxiety that they have about the day ahead and their ability to handle it.  

    Internal Challenges for Parents:  One of the reasons parenting is such a hard job in the morning is that we are trying to walk the line between two very different sets of demands and attitudes.  On the one hand, we want to nurture our children and care for their needs, and on the other hand, the reality of tardy bells and our own work commitments means we don’t have any time to waste if we are going to meet the demands of the external world.  We are torn & caught between a rock & a hard place.  

    Logistical Challenges:  Transitions are naturally difficult for everyone.  In the morning, families must shift from sleeping to awake, from horizontal to vertical, from pajamas to school/work clothes, from house to car or bus.  We transition between several different kinds of morning activities and between different locations in the house.  Each transition may require a different kind of thinking and planning process.  All these transitions add stress to the morning.  

    Decision-making can also tax both our cognitive and emotional resources in the morning.  Kids are often on decision overload when asked -- Juice or milk?  Blue or green cup?  Cereal or eggs?  It is a lot to ask a little person who hasn’t even had his breakfast yet.

   Emmett- Mattox assumes most of us have no problem being loving and patient with our kids when there’s no hurry, but when there’s a deadline to meet, we tend to get pulled away from the goal of connection and toward the goal of efficiency.  We naturally feel rushed and frustrated when there is a time crunch.

   

     Neurobiological Challenges:  Humans all have both a reptilian (Lizard) section of their brains, where our emotions and survival reactions are housed, and a wise Wizard brain where language, problem-solving and creative thought are located.  Our Wizard brain (prefrontal cortex) is not fully developed until our mid-20s.  Emmett-Mattox reminds parents that our children’s capacity for long-range thought and planning in their prefrontal cortex are still under construction.  The sooner we stop expecting them to be able to remember what they need to do or bring, the sooner everyone’s life will get easier.  

    In addition, our Lizard Brain enables us to pick up on an emotional state from someone else.  Our limbic systems never lie.  If we are feeling stressed, it will manifest in some form or another:  a tight voice, jerky movements, and/or constricted breathing. The bad news is that stress can be highly contagious..  You may not mention that you’re expecting a hard meeting at work today, but all of a sudden, your child is having a meltdown, or your children are bickering for no apparent reason.

    Another limitation of the Lizard Brain is that it doesn’t distinguish between kinds or magnitudes of danger.  We have the same physiological reaction to an oncoming bus as to an oncoming deadline.  The stress of getting ready for school can feel pretty much the same as the stress of outrunning a tiger.

    Perhaps you’ve seen the Lizard Brain at work in your own behavior or that of your child.  Like when your kid refuses to brush her teeth or yells “I KNOW!” when you remind her to bring her gym bag.  When parents start yelling, threatening, or punishing in these moments, it makes our kid’s even more anxious.  The thing to do when you see any of these Lizard Brain responses (in yourself or your kids), is to remember that this is a sign of stress and your reptilian brain has taken charge.  You can’t talk your way out of this, because your limbic system doesn’t have language, so the most effective way to handle the situation is to do whatever you can to de-escalate the stress levels of everyone involved.  Take a deep breath.  Deliberately lower your voice.  Offer a gentle touch, says Emmett-Mattox.  

     These are some of the same strategies your children are learning during their BrainWise Social Emotional lessons each week.  Think of how you can help your children apply these ideas if there are intense mornings at home. And for more practical  ideas, please read ALL GOOD MORNINGS by Liz Emmett-Mattox.

A Powerful Start to a New Year of School

     I’m generally not a morning person, so it is easy for me to relate to the bleary-eyed kids who stumble into class late or disoriented on a regular basis.  I can also deeply empathize with the parents whose early morning hours are spent corralling a disorganized son or arguing with a defiant daughter, so they can catch the bus on time.  Sound familiar?  If so, Colorado author Liz Emmett-Mattox, of ALL GOOD MORNINGS, helps parents rethink their morning routine to transform the AM scene into one that provides a calm send off and a powerful start to each school day. 

     For many parents, the weekday morning routine at home is their craziest hour of the day.  As we roll into the new school year, the transition can be even harder to maneuver.   To lessen the stress, ALL GOOD MORNINGS author Emmett-Mattox has a few helpful suggestions so that families can recognize and meet the emotional needs of each family member in the morning and get the needed tasks accomplished. 

     #1)  Above all, says Emmett-Mattox, make a solid good CONNECTION with your child first thing every morning.  This is the single most important thing you can do.  From a neurological perspective, you are tuning into the needs of your child’s limbic system.  It may be tempting to leave any “special time” as a reward or something “extra” when all the important stuff is done.  But waking them up to a back rub or snuggle, a reassuring smile or word, a silly song… sets the stage for whatever difficulties will occur in the next hour.  Starting the day with a good, loving connection can make a big difference in easing whatever anxieties your child may have going into the day.  When children feel loved, heard, and seen first thing in the morning, it can go a long way toward eliminating the meltdowns over what to wear or not having their favorite flavor of juice, which can be signs that something is feeling hard in their world.

    #2)   Create a DAILY SCHEDULE that works for your family.  Post this schedule for everyone to see.  Use verbs which tell kids what they should be doing at each step.  Create accompanying visuals for younger kids and visual learners.  Having a visual reminder of what is supposed to happen and when (or at least in what order) helps everyone sail through the morning’s activities by eliminating decision overload.  For example, the schedule that worked best for our family looked something like this:

     6:30 Wake up and snuggle.  Preview the day together.           

     6:45 Get dressed                                                                                          

     7:00 Eat breakfast

     7:15 Brush teeth

     7:20 Pack backpack                                                                               

     7:30 Catch bus or drive to school

   #3)  Put a WHITEBOARD near the door.  List the days of the week down the side along with some pictorial reminders of what your child needs for school and any after-school activities each day.  At the bottom, place pictures reminding your child of things she or he needs to take to school every day (lunchbox, backpack, snack, homework folder, hat, and so on).   This helps your child learn to develop planning and organizational skills.  

   #4  Create a LAUNCHPAD where all the essentials are kept for your child – backpacks, shoes, coats, soccer equipment, dance outfit.  Having to complete a scavenger hunt first thing in the morning increases the anxiety for the day. 

   #5  Use an ANALOG CLOCK instead of a digital one to support children and visual thinkers.  To the ears, seven-fifteen and seven-fifty sound a whole lot alike.  On a digital clock, there is only one-digit difference between these two times.  With an analog clock, you really get the visual picture that these are very different things.  The analog clock is going to be a much better indicator of how far away your departure time is.  This helps children understand that deadline. 

     Having a morning schedule that works is one of the best things you can do to send your kids to school feeling calm, confident, and competent.  Every morning, parents endure the constant feeling of being torn between wanting to meet the needs of their kids and trying to meet the demands of the external world.  Making a schedule that works is really about finding a way to meet adult needs, our kid’s needs, and the needs of the school community all at the same time.