Deep Listening to develop Empathy in our Children

     Students at Nederland Elementary have been developing more Empathy toward others by --

          -- offering gestures of kindness,

          -- practicing listening skills that reflect back underlying feelings and

             needs, and

          -- asking curious, open-ended questions to clarify assumptions and

             uncover facts.

Children require lots of coaching in these areas and need adults who model these strong social skills for them.  Below are a few tips from Ahaparenting.com and ConfidentparentsConfidentkids.org for developing your child's Empathy and Relationship Skills.

      The most important skill in talking with anyone, including children, is listening.  Not answering, not teaching, not lecturing, not fixing things or offering solutions.  Not only do your kids not want that from you, but it would get in the way of them coming up with their own solutions to life's challenges.  What your child needs from you is your full attention and empathy.  That's what deep listening is.  

1.  Remember that all your child's behavior is communication.  

     Even children who don't say much want to connect with you.  Accept it on their terms.  A handshake, a hug, a long look in each other's eyes, a high-five or a playful pillow fight may be as meaningful and full of connection as a deep conversation.  Observe your child's behavior and think about what they are communicating to you.  

2.  Pay Full Attention.  

    When your child is ready to share, the shopping list and that problem at the office can wait.  Your child knows when you're really listening.  She may not show it, but it breaks her heart when you pretend to and don't.  Turn off your cell phone.  Really.  She will remember for the rest of her life that her parent turned off the cell phone or TV just to listen to her.

3.  Use Conversation Starters rather than Conversation Closers.

     Culturally, we tend to be in the habit of not using feeling words.  Conversation openers acknowledge and reflect feelings without judgement or suggestions, rather than shutting down feelings.  Questions may have the potential to put the other person on the spot and cause defensiveness.  Use questions, not to probe, but to clarify your assumptions and inferences --

     "You sure sound angry at your brother.... Is that how you're feeling tonight?"   versus  "Why are you so grumpy?...You just have to make more of an effort to get along with your brother."

4.  Don't Take it Personally as you listen to your child rant.

     When children get upset, they sometimes retaliate in an argument with hurtful words like "I hate you."   Try not to take those statements to heart.  Though they are intended to wound in the moment, they are coming from a feeling of lack of control.  Walk away and take time to cool down.  In calmer moments, discuss how those words are painful and coach your child to rephrase how he is feeling without harming.  "Could you say instead , 'I hate what you did.  I hate what you are doing'?  The goal is to listen for the feeling underneath the rant and focus their words on the action not the doer of the action.  

5.  Empathize instead of probing.

     "Tell me how you feel" is not empathy.  Empathy is mirroring whatever your child is already telling you.  "You seem sad this morning" or "You're very quiet tonight... maybe you need a little down time?"  reflects the emotions and needs underlying what you are seeing and hearing.  

6.  Use words that Validate your child's experience.

     If you have listened deeply, your response reflects their experience.  Say just enough to validate their perspective when your child has had an unpleasant experience -- "No wonder you're upset" or "Nothing seems to be going right for you today."  When kids feel their emotions are understood, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate.

7.  Don't put your child on the spot.  

     If you would love for your child to open up more to you, see if they share when you aren't looking directly at them.  Your child may feel more comfortable talking while driving in the car, doing dishes, or walking down the street.  Sometimes when we turn the lights out at night, kids pour out their souls to us in the dark.  

8.  Don't start Solving their Problem.

     The point is to listen in such a way that lets him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself.  Kids learn most from the opportunity to hear themselves talk and come to their own conclusions.  Facilitating a child's thinking in this way can support him in internalizing thought processes that lead to responsible decision making.  

9.  Cultivate deeper Understanding.

     Because so often our greatest challenges with our kids stem directly from their developmental struggles to learn what they know they need to, learning about children's development deepens our understanding of them.  Check out the free resource -- NBC Parent Toolkit

     There may be no greater demonstration of love than deep listening.  Practice listening with empathy to truly understand your child's thoughts, feelings, and needs.  When you model empathetic listening skills, it helps your child identify and accept their emotions, regulate the intensity of them, learn to listen to other's perspectives, and eventually think about how best to problem solve.  

     

   

How Parents and Schools can Prevent School Violence

(Excerpts taken from confidentparentsconfidentkids.org) The friends and family that I have spoken with about {school shootings} have consistently said, "I have to do something.  It's not enough to be horrified and sad.  I have to take action."  And so what can anyone do to make a difference  -- to heal a gaping wound and to prevent something like this from happening in the future?   Here are some ideas to get started. BEGIN AT HOME. Make sure you are really connecting with your children daily.  Disconnect to connect.  Iphones, pads, and other devices have become vehicles for connecting with everyone except those with who we are physically present -- typically our most intimate family.  Set a timer for yourself if you need to but give your children full, undivided attention even if it's only for a short time each day.  And limit their screen time so that you are giving them the chance to look up and connect with you.  Find out what's going on in their heads and hearts.  Laugh together.  Talk and, most especially, listen well if they are scared or upset.  Be patient if deep connection doesn't happen immediately.  Often we have to offer time and a listening ear when they are ready to talk (not when we are).  And if you've been disconnected, then it takes time to build trust.  But that ongoing sense of trust will open up space for confiding in challenges when they arise.  We know that that connection is critical in keeping our children and others safe.  Learn more about how to connect with your child's emotional needs on February 27th from 5:30 -7:30pm at the "Let's Connect" presentation at NES.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org PARTNER WITH YOUR CHILD'S TEACHER. Ask if there are ways you can support your child's teacher in building community amongst classmates.  Take it a step further if you are interested and able to volunteer as a teacher's aide in the classroom.  Research shows that students are safer if parents are directly involved with the teacher and the classroom. IDENTIFY AND TAKE ACTION ON RED FLAGS. When a child hits another child on the playground or in the classroom, that is a giant red flag.  That red flag is NOT a sign to send her home, suspended.  Punishment only escalates the problem and does not address the root cause.  That red flag is a sign that we -- as educators and parents -- need to get curious about that child's life and unmet emotional needs.  How can we understand what she's going through?  How can we offer her supports that will address her unmet needs?  It is not enough to point the finger and say it's the school's role... and for schools, it's not enough to say it's the parent's job.  We all have to take responsibility.  There are community organizations in every town that offer youth development supports for before and after school time.  Small steps taken to build caring connections for children who feel marginalized and disconnected can turnaround hurt for that child and many others.  For more on this critical issue, check out 50 Alternatives to Detention and Punishment.  NES is beginning to embrace a Restorative Practices approach to dealing with misbehavior that helps address the root causes of the problem and rebuilds relationships that have been harmed.   PARTNER WITH YOUR SCHOOL. You should be aware of what the school plans to do in an emergency including a situation like a school shooting.  But in addition, make sure that there are conversations and a clear plan for Prevention.  And in that Prevention Plan, there should be specific ideas on how the school is building caring relationships and safe spaces for all.  Learn more about schools and research-based social and emotional learning at the CASEL website as a critical means for prevention.  All students at NES begin their day with a mindfulness moment and receive weekly Social Emotional Learning lessons to build their skills in self awareness, self regulation, social awareness, relationship skills, and ethical decision-making.  Ask to serve on the school accountability committee (SAC) to ensure that your school has a vibrant Prevention plan. ADVOCATE FOR SCHOOL-COMMUNITY SUPPORTS. What supports are there for students who need more than the school can offer?   In schools, these are typically referred to as "intervention supports."  If the response you receive is "We have academic tutors for those students who are not performing academically," then that's not enough.  What supports are there for students who need emotional and social asssistance beyond what the school personnel can directly address?  Who is responsible for working with the students and families in order to seek assistance in the community? Some schools have a social worker or counselor who is primarily responsible for cultivating trust between families, students and the school.  They work closely with teachers to identify those students who are displaying risky behaviors and ensure that students who need more support than a classroom teacher can reasonably provide, get that support in the community.  Parents at NES can reach out to Challace.Cole@bvsd.org,  Eric.Swan@bvsd.org or Kristi.Venditti@bvsd.org  to request additional supports for students. PROMOTE SCHOOL-FAMILY-COMMUNITY CONNECTIONS. Preventing a crisis from occurring also involves caring connections.  Families need to feel connected to the school.  Students need to feel connected to the school and each other.  Teachers need to feel connected to students, parents, the principal, and the larger system (district, community).  The profile of individuals who perpetrate school shootings is typically that of an introvert, sometimes, the victim of bullying, but often, a student that goes unnoticed.  In schools with which I work, there is no child that goes unnoticed.  Every person -- staff and students -- is greeted each morning through a Morning Meeting.  Each student gets the opportunity to share something about themselves daily.  This -- connectedness in school communities -- is the way that we turn this problem around in the long term.  NES is in the process of adopting an Expeditionary Learning Model which includes Morning Meetings, daily check ins, and engaged learning and strong connections for all students.  For numerous research-based ideas on additional ways to create the needed connections with family and community, read Beyond the Bake Sale: The Essential Guide to Family-School Partnerships by Anne Henderson. ORGANIZE AND MOBILIZE. Committed parents across the country, through volunteerism and advocacy, have created a focus on social and emotional learning to prevent bullying and other violence in their respective districts.  One such individual in Strongville, Ohio, noticed that the state PTA organization was not talking about the need for social and emotional learning in schools.  She developed and proposed a resolution for the Ohio PTA to focus on "maximizing student potential and achievement through positive social climate and social and emotional learning."   It now serves as a national model for other PTAs.  In my experience, if a small group of parents exert their influence and assert that something is essential to the education and well-being of students that are not currently being addressed, schools and school districts have no choice but to take notice and respond.  For more info about how some Florida students are organizing for change, see their #neveragain campaign MARCH 14 +24th      I hope you will make a commitment to taking action in your own way!

SIMPLY LOVE can be priceless on Valentine’s Day

  

It may seem hard to find simple ways to deepen your connection with your children, given how busy everyone is.  But Valentine’s Day reminds us to tell all our loved ones how glad we are that they are in our lives.  Here are some simple ideas for celebrating that love (excerpts from Ahaparenting.com) when you’re too busy, too broke, and maybe too harried to remember that you really adore these people you live with….

1.       Rethink Gifts.

Make this day about the heart to heart expressions that build intimacy and connection.  That means handmade cards, extra loving time together, massages, not purchased gifts.  If you must buy a gift, choose it using the GIFT test: does it create more Gratitude, Intimacy, Fondness and Trust between you, or does it just impress?  Here are some alternative gift suggestions for your children:

~A Letter of Appreciation.

  The best gift of all is always a simple letter to your loved ones detailing how grateful you are to have them in your life.  Be as specific as possible; this is more satisfying than saying “You’re lovable,” because the recipient feels seen and appreciated.  Kids feel loved when we notice who they are and what they contribute to us, our family, and the world.  Your kids will reread your letters during tough times.  They’ll save them for the rest of their lives.

~A Gift Certificate for a back rub or foot massage every night for a month.

Kids feel loved when we listen to them and give them an opportunity to talk through their daily challenges.  Every single day, spend 15 minutes snuggling with each child before bed.  Not reading, that’s separate.  Snuggle time is just chatting and being together.  Gift certificates for nightly back rubs or massages bring delight. 

~Let children cash in special “Us Time” cards available from loveplantgrow.com to print at http://www.plantlovegrow.com/uploads/3/4/5/0/34500811/us_time.pdf

2.      Let your kids know your love is with them all day  …by tucking little construction paper hearts with love notes into their backpack, lunch, jacket pocket for them to find throughout the day.

3.      At dinner, go around the table and give each person a chance to give an appreciation   …to every other family member.  They don’t have to be earth-shaking to strengthen relationships.

4.      Find five minutes to spend by yourself giving thanks for those you love.

One at a time, visualize yourself hugging them, and them beaming back at you.  Let the infinite tenderness of your love for them wash over you.  Ask for help to let go of anything that gets in the way of being close to this person, who is so precious to you. 

5.       Make some extra valentines  …to pass out as you go through your day.  You’ll be amazed whose day you’ll be moved to brighten; the subway token clerk, the grocer, coworkers, neighbors, a homeless person you pass on the street.  You and your kids might even want to leave anonymous valentines at each neighbor’s door.

6.      How about a telephone Valentine chain?

Call someone dear to your family and pass the phone around to take turns telling this person you love them.  Then ask that person to “Pass it forward” by calling someone they love, asking that person to call another, etc.

7.     Love in Practice.

If you’d like your kids to take pride in making the world a better place, Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to make love visible in the world by taking valentines goodies or homemade valentines to a nursing home, hospital, or soup kitchen.  As four wise teachers once said, “In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

Surviving the Afternoon/Evening Arsenic Hour

Ahaparenting.com reminds us that “every parent knows arsenic hour, when hunger, homework, and exhaustion merge into one big emotional accident waiting to happen. One obvious reason that kids have meltdowns at the end of the day is that they're hungry and tired, whether they've been home with you or out at school. But there's another reason. After having spent the day apart, your child feels disconnected from you. Until he reconnects, he'll let you know how alone he feels by acting ornery and uncooperative.

There's another reason that kids who are at school all day lose it when they're reunited with you.  It's hard work for little people to keep it together all day in the face of all those developmental challenges, disappointments and rules.  All day, they store up big feelings they can't process, waiting to be safe with Mom or Dad to let those emotions fly.  This is true even if they love school and beg you to pick them up later.  It may be fun, but navigating all those people is still stressful.  So the minute they see you, their "baby self" comes out to seek comfort.  Be ready to be emotionally present to your kids.  Here's how.

1.  If you can manage it, change into your jeans before you leave the office.  
The minute you do, you begin to relax.  What if you've been home with the little ones all day?  Steal five minutes to wash your face, have a cup of tea, and do nothing.  Really, nothing.  

2.  Before you pick up your kids, sit in the car for 5 minutes by yourself.  
Put on some soothing music.  Breathe deeply.  Notice the sensations in your body.  Acknowledge how you're feeling.  Then, put your hand on your heart.  Pretend your heart is doing the breathing, and imagine the breath going in and out through your heart ( this has been proven to lower stress hormones.)  Tell yourself what a good job you did all day.  Think of one nice thing you can do for yourself this evening ( A hot bubble bath?  Call an old friend?  Go to bed early?) and promise yourself that present tonight.  Acknowledge that after the kids go to sleep is your time, this next few hours is "kid time."  Then, get in touch with how much you love your kids and how much you want a nice connection with them.  Once you've filled your own cup, you'll find you have a lot more to offer your kids. 
**This week, your children utilized their senses to relax themselves.  Either by mindfully looking for 5 things around them, touching 4 different textures, listening for 3 sounds, noticing 2 smells, and focusing on tasting one thing, or, they wrote a visualization about a relaxing place by describing it with all their senses.  These mindful exercises subtly remind our bodies to relax at the end (or in the middle of) a busy or stressful day.  

3.  Give your kids lots of hugs and "pre-emptive" attention when you pick them up. 
When your kids get in the car, what they need is to re-connect with you.  Turn off the radio and focus on them.  Give everyone a big hug and a loving look in the eye.  Make a ritual of starting with the youngest, and ask them how they're feeling.  Most parents ask about their day, which is fine -- but many kids aren't ready to answer until they decompress.  Be sure to ask open-ended questions to get them talking while you drive.  You'll find that your kids will come to love this ritual because of your intense listening.  So they wait for their turn with great anticipation.  
Are they bickering in the car?   Space them as far apart as possible, and give them healthy snacks to eat so their hands are busy.  If the bickering is intractable, you can try listening to an audio gbook on the drive home to keep everyone distracted, but it isn't as good as connection.  If you can get everyone laughing, that's the best medicine of all.  It decreases the stress hormones circulating in the body, and increases the bonding hormones!

4.  Keep your kids with you when you walk into the kitchen to start dinner.
Why? Because they haven't seen you all day and they need to reconnect with you.  Until they do, they're much harder to manage, and much more likely to fight with each other.  They're overstimulated from being tired, which means they have stress hormones coursing through their veins -- that's how kids manage to get through the afternoon when they're tired, and it's what makes them so cranky and often hyperactive at this time of day.  Using TV at this point can become an addiction because it tamps down the feelings your child has stored up all day, and numbs children out, so when it's time to turn off the TV, all those unprocessed emotions come bursting out.  
Instead, start a routine of sitting your kids down at a little table in the kitchen with a healthy snack, and some paper to draw on.  Ask them to draw you a picture of their day.  If they're older, they can sit at the kitchen table and do homework while they snack.  Young children may show you with their crankiness that they need your help to restore emotional regulation; the best way to do that is a short roughhousing game in which you get them giggling to let off their tension.  Not a structured game, but any silly little interaction in which you express your affection in such a hammed-up way that it gets your child giggling.  (Be a bucking bronco.... Sing silly songs.... arm wrestle.)  You'll find that three minutes invested in connecting this way can transform your evening.  

5.  Put healthy snacks in front of the kids as soon as you walk in the door.
Set up a low table in the kitchen that your kids can sit at and draw and snack.  Worried that you'll spoil their appetites?  Think of this snack as the first course of dinner, and make sure your kids are getting protein or vitamins from it.  It's amazing how many more veggies kids consume when they're served as a snack rather than competing with the carbs on the dinner plate.  

6. Are you kids antsy, not able to sit in one place to draw and snack?
Put them to work and tell them how much you value their help.  As you chop the veggies, they can put them in the bowl.Or they can get ingredients out of the fridge for you.  When it's time to eat, have everyone set the table together.

7.  Simplify so you can connect. 
Don't answer your phone and don't return phone calls before dinner.  In fact, turn your phone off so you won't be tempted to check your texts.  Don't go through the mail or complete school forms.  Do not turn on your computer to "quickly check email."  Just get everyone fed as soon as possible.  Once that's completed, everyone will have more internal resources to draw on to tend to any other tasks that need to be done.

8.  Use the power of music.  
Research shows that music can lift our moods, calm us down, make us happy.  As soon as you walk in the door, put on soothing music.  

9. Feed young kids as early as possible.  
they're starving.  They're tired.  Why not feed little ones at 5 pm, even 4:30 pm?  What if one partner can't get home until later and the kids are too young to wait?  Feed the kids early.  Finish homework, bathe everyone.  When the other partner gets home, everyone can sit down for Happy Hour together.  Serve fresh fruit to the kids while Mom and/or Dad eats.  That way, kids get some experience with family meals and get to connect with both parents.  They also get fed at a developmentally appropriate hour, they have time for a soothing bath and get to bed on time." 

For more inspiration to transform your family evenings from Arsenic Hour to Magic Hour, see great suggestions about Dinner:  30 minutes to a More Connected Family at
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/dinner-connected-family