Understanding how our brains affect our behavior

     Your child is learning how their brain works and how this affects their behavior, well being, and relationships.  There are three parts of our brain that influence our ability to process social and emotional information:

1.  The BRAINSTEM is the oldest part of the brain.  It oversees automatic functions like breathing, digestion, and heart rate.  It speaks to us through PHYSICAL SENSATIONS and lets us know when we are feeling physical pain, a racing heart, tight muscles or butterflies in our stomach. These physical sensations can change based on the emotional energy that is pulsating through our bodies.       You can help your child focus their attention on the sensations in their body to get clues about what they are feeling.  “I notice my shoulder feels tight. … I must be stressed out from my workload this week.  What do you notice your body is telling you?”

      2) The LIMBIC SYSTEM (or Lizard Brain) in the mid-brain is composed of the amygdala, hypothalamus, hippocampus, etc.  This is where EMOTIONS are created to send us important info about how we are feeling and should respond.  This is also where the fight or flight mechanism is quickly triggered to keep us safe.  This survival mode is constantly on alert, scanning for danger and making our bodies react quickly and unconsciously to perceived threats.  Our first response to everything is an emotional one.  The Lizard Brain interprets every intense emotion we feel as Fear-- making us overreact to small social challenges until our Limbic System is soothed and reassured.  During a meltdown, the Lizard Brain temporarily “takes over” control of our brain -- spewing words and exhibiting behaviors that can feel explosive and hurtful. 

   Thinking about emotions can get our rational brain integrated back with our limbic system.  Young children often do not know how to identify what they are feeling.  Helping them put feeling words to their experience is crucial to helping them regulate their intense emotions. 


     3)  The “THINKING” part of our brain (PREFRONTAL CORTEX or Wizard Brain) which is in the front of our brain continues to develop until our mid-20’s.  It helps us utilize language, creativity, problem solving, logic, predicting, planning, and empathy in our decisions.  During meltdowns and throughout the teenage years, adults often serve the role of helping a child find these calmer, rational, kinder, thoughtful responses to life’s challenges.

     As long as a child’s Wizard Brain is not talking directly to and modulating their Lizard Brain, the Limbic System is left in complete control.  Caring adults can utilize a few techniques to help the child regulate their emotions and give the steering wheel back to their wise Prefrontal Cortex—

a.  Focus on Soothing, Safety and Security.  Use a calm tone of voice, open body language while moving down to their level, and a calming presence with few words so as not to escalate the situation.  Phrases like “This is hard.”   “It’s okay, we’ll get through this,” speak directly to the lower brain and reduce the child’s/teen’s fear and anxiety when things aren’t going their way. 

b. Name it to Take it.  Help the child identify which emotions they are feeling in the moment.  Be a translator.  Hear the message underneath their message.  Help your child think about emotions to help the thinking part of their brain start to get back in control.  Naming our feelings soothes the fight or flight mechanism.  Say things like:  "It seems like you're feeling really frustrated with your brother right now."

c. Regulate your own breathing and identify your own emotions while empathizing with your child can deescalate the situation.  You will be sending calming mirror neurons that your child's brain will pick up on.  You will be helping their Wizard Brain work along with their Lizard Brain to think about how to address the situation that has triggered their emotions.  Take 3 deep breaths before you intervene in a difficult situation.  Then practice regulation strategies together -- 10 deep breaths, going for a walk, counting backwards to 20. 

Practice Making a Hand-Brain that doesn’t Flip Your Lid!   

* Pick a feeling together and think of a time you each felt it strongly -- Worried, Embarrassed, Angry, Excited, Disappointed. 
* Make a hand-brain that has flipped its lid (with fingers flung wide open.) 
* Think and talk about where you feel that emotion or sensation in your body.     
* Fold your fingers over your thumb as you practice a calming strategy together.

     Help your child understand that when they have strong emotions, it just means that their Wizard Brain isn't talking to their Lizard Brain.  If they first utilize calming strategies to balance their nervous system and lower their emotions, they can eventually utilize their wise Wizard Brain to  problem-solve in the situation.    Understanding how our brains work help us know when to self soothe in order to access our creative and compassionate wisdom.  

     Please JOIN US for the next MOUNTAIN STRONG FAMILIES SERIES on Tuesday, September 10th.  NES counselors, Kristen Kron and MaryErin Mueller, will explain how a child's brain develops so that we can adjust our discipline approach to help children learn strong social-emotional skills.    When we draw from the new discoveries in brain science, we will want to tackle misbehavior differently.  RSVP for "Rethinking Discipline"  at ann@teensinc.org