This week, students at Nederland Elementary are learning about three critical social-emotional skills: identifying their own unique identities and preferences, finding commonalities with others who appear to be different from themselves, and learning how to respond with respect and curious questions to understand people who differ from them.
As parents, there are concrete ways we can help our children learn to know and value who they are AND know how to interact respectfully with the diversity of humanity around them. Chris Corsi, health educator for poehealth.org, reminds parents that "children's curiosity knows no bounds. Sometimes the questions they ask about others portray falsehoods that kids may have already begun to internalize. Children often have questions when they encounter people they see as different from themselves. This is perfectly natural, and it creates an opportunity to engage kids in important conversations to help them actively choose to be inclusive of people who (at first) seem unlike them."
Tiffany Jana, How to Talk About Diversity with your Kids, offers these suggestions as children begin to notice differences between themselves and others --
1. Start the Conversation When Children Start Noticing or Experiencing Difference. It could be a comment they make or your recognizing your youngster taking particular notice of another person who is a different race or speaks a different language. Let your child know that you are willing to talk with them about these new things, i.e. "Yep, that woman in the wheel chair is dressed in brighter colors than others around her." or "You're right, that boy has a beautiful warm brown tone of skin."
2. Use Media to Your Advantage. Instead of watching and reading the status quo books and shows, branch out with your child. Head to your local library and seek out books with diverse main characters who are different from your child. Just read several of these books together and let the conversation be organic.
3. Your Child May Notice Someone Who is Different Treated Poorly. Talk with your child about the appropriate behavior and values you want them to exhibit in that situation. Make it clear that it's unacceptable to use slurs, to use identity as an insult, or to treat somebody worse because they are different.
4. Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Monitor your own behavior by treating a stranger that doesn't look like you with the same respect as the stranger who does look like you. Your actions will go a long way toward teaching children about the world you would like them to grow up in and their expected behavior in it.
Corsi offers additional tips to help us accept and value differences --
1. Challenge the idea of "normal". Generally, people are treated differently because they are seen as "the other." For children, anything outside of "normal" may seem undesirable. It is helpful to challenge the idea of "normal" to see past differences. All of us are born unique with different likes and group identities, so there is no one way to be "normal."
Child: "That person sounds so weird!"
Adult: "Well, they have an accent. They might originally be from somewhere else. That doesn't make them weird -- just different, and different isn't bad."
By acknowledging differences and similarities simultaneously, kids will find they can learn from people who aren't like them.
2. Teach children to not be afraid to ask curious questions. It can be embarrassing to hear your child ask questions about "different" people, but questions often come from a place of innocent curiosity. If you are unsure about how to answer their question, try: 'I need to think about your question and talk to you later.' Children's questions and comments are a way for them to gather information about aspects of their identity and usually do not stem from bias or prejudice.
3. Cultivate empathy and community. It can be hard for kids to see themselves in people who are different, which is why it's important to encourage children to empathize and help them get to know people unlike themselves. One of the best ways to improve intergroup relations is simply interpersonal contact. Getting to know people different from oneself leads to reduced prejudice and increased understanding.
And finally, thepositivemom.com offers ways to help children LOVE OUR DIFFERENCES and appreciate what others bring to our lives --
1. Teach children to love their bodies. Accepting others starts with accepting ourselves. Teach your child to embrace their body and develop a great relationship with it, not making it a target for self-defeat and criticism. The fundamental principal is to make clear that the way one looks is not and should not be the yardstick with which they measure their self-worth.
2. Teach children to love variety. We differ in appearance, culture, religious beliefs, political views, nationality, gender, marital status, educational level, and in little things like "favorite color." Teach your child to love and embrace others who are different by explaining how they make the world better and how it would be boring without them.
3. Teach children to find common ground. Explaining how we are different is not enough. We must all put an effort into finding similarities that will help us connect with others whose attributes weren't instantly attractive to us. Focusing on how we are "the same" speeds up the process of accepting others. Talk about the basic human needs we all share and are trying to meet.
4. Teach children "The Work". The Work of Byron Katie is summed up in a rhyme: Judge your neighbor, Write it down, Ask four questions, Turn it around. This is a helpful tool to help us change our perception with regard to others' behaviors:
~We catch ourselves having a judgmental thought about another person, which causes us pain, separation and/or suffering.
~We write it down, then ask the questions:
a. Is it true?
b. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
c. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
d. Who would you be without that thought?
~We turn the thought around, which helps us ground and humble ourselves with the real truth.
These are just a few ways to begin teaching young people how to love themselves and others, and to accept and value others for their differences. Ultimately, the goal is to create a more compassionate culture for current and future generations. We parents hold this possibility for a more compassionate future for our children in our hands.
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