When Parents Get Together

     

      As we enjoyed a hot dinner together, it felt so nurturing to gather as a community of parents-- helping each other be the best we can be.    During the    Let’s Connect Parenting Program last week at Nederland Elementary School, one dad realized, “I’m not the only one. It seems like most parents face extremely similar challenges with their children.” And research on parents in the United States echoes his realization. Across all demographic groups, parents feel daunted by their job of raising children. It is one of the hardest jobs to do. Most parents readily admit they wish they had more patience and were better able to control their own emotions.

                                                      Kelly Davis, Let's Connect Program

      Dr. Monica Fitzgerald and Kelly Davis, from Let’s Connect, a program located within the Institute of Behavioral Sciences at the University of Colorado at Boulder, helped the room full of adults practice skills for their daily parenting roles. Many of the ideas discussed and practiced are identical to the Social Emotional Learning skills their children are learning each week at Nederland Elementary. When kids can use the same language and build the same competencies at home with their families that they are learning at school, their social emotional intelligence grows exponentially.

     The evening began with parents spending time reflecting on the positive things they notice and appreciate about their children. “I never really stopped to think about how often I fail to tell my daughter what I appreciate about her. I’m usually so focused on correcting her behavior,” said one mother. Parents were then encouraged to regularly verbalize these things in an authentic way to their children. An important distinction was made about noticing and appreciating children for who they are in addition to the positive behaviors they exhibit. By doing this consistently, parents might notice that when behavioral challenges do arise, it is easier to address them. Behavior management is most effective when a foundation of strong connection and meaningful affirmations has been developed between parent and child.

     Next, the 3-step Let’s Connect strategy, called Hand-to Heart, was shared with parents to facilitate their own self-care and self-compassion before attending to the perspectives, feelings, and needs of their children. This strategy includes the following –

1. The first step is all about Tuning In.
     Parents practiced pausing with their hands on their hearts and breathing slowly to bring their attention to the present moment. Here, parents are instructed to notice any sensations, feelings, or thoughts they might be having and to ask themselves, “How am I feeling? What do I need?” Research shows that the simple act of labeling feelings can help to shift brain activity from the amygdala (reactive Lizard Brain) to the prefrontal cortex (thoughtful Wizard brain). The prefrontal cortex plays an important role in “dialing down” the stress response. Pairing these questions with the nurturing gesture of placing the hand over the heart helps to produce a calming sensation as well. Here’s why:

 **Gently touching the heart helps to slow breathing and heart rate and can calm the cardiovascular system during times of stress.

 **Gentle touch releases oxytocin, a hormone which facilitates human bonding and stress reduction. 

** Gentle touch activates the orbitofrontal cortex, an area of the brain associated with greater emotional awareness and compassion.
Additionally, new findings suggest a link between an individual’s degree of attunement with their own heartbeat and increased awareness of the emotional state of others. In other words, being in tune with oneself may translate into greater empathy for others.

2. The second step focuses on Reaching Out. 
     Here, parents were prompted to offer symbolic outstretched hands to prompt a consideration for their child’s perspectives in the situation. This step is focused on the perspective of others and includes questions such as, “What is my child feeling? What do they need right now?” This helps caregivers to respond with empathy and to see behavior as communication of a need, rather than a personal affront. “I often forget to stop and remember what it was like to be a child,” said one mother. The gesture of reaching outward helped parents remember to open up and listen to their child and even to offer a hug in the midst of an argument. One grandmother reminded the parents that she often thought to herself “this too shall pass”. A simple positive mantra like this one can shift thinking and responses during stressful moments with our children.
Learning more about the developmental stages of children often produces fresh insights for parents. You can find reliable information about child development and social emotional learning at www.ParentToolkit.com. 

3. Finally, parents were reminded to Connect with Resources. 
     This step, represented by bringing the hands together in connection, focuses on accessing internal and external resources in order to meet the needs of the caregiver and the child. Regular self-care practices can help adults connect with their own internal strengths and resources. The group of parents generated a whole list of nurturing activities that they will attempt to weave into their lives – hiking by the creek, yoga, Pilates, cranking up the happy music, and soaking in the tub. “This presentation helped remind me that doing self-care feeds patience in me,” said one young mother. Reaching out to friends and partners to discuss parenting struggles is another great resource to develop when we are stressed in our roles. Finally, our local community offers various opportunities to build parenting skills. Kelly Davis and Ann Sherman will be available for EAT. CHAT. PARENT. at NES on Wednesdays from 9:00 – 10:00 am beginning March 14th, if parents would like to stop by and talk about parenting challenges. Kelly is also available by email at kelly.m.davis@colorado.edu throughout the day on Wednesdays. Additionally, you can follow the weekly parenting article at ParentingMattersInNed.blogspot.com for practical steps to enrich family relationships and support social emotional skills.

     Stay tuned for future parenting events sponsored by the ongoing partnership between TEENS, Inc, Let’s Connect program at CU, Nederland Elementary School, and NMSHS Student Support Services!