One parent writes: I have "free time" on our schedule every morning after the kids do their schoolwork, but they just beg for screens, whine that they don't know what to do, or they want me to play with them. This is the only chance I have to get any work done, and I need that time. Why can't they play by themselves and stop whining or saying they are bored?
Dr. Laura Markham (ahaparenting.com) offers parents some explanations about why children are having such a hard time with their all their disappointments and extra time at home. Many children have become accustomed to being regularly over-scheduled as we transport them from one activity to another. They aren't used to having "down time". And when we often respond to their pleas of boredom by entertaining our kids with screens, this response keeps them from developing their "play muscles." But play is a child's real job; it's how they become themselves. Here are some ways we can foster their ability to play independently:
1. Create an inviting place and time in the daily schedule.
Children do best with a schedule, which helps them know what to expect and lessens their anxiety. If they know that every day after breakfast (for instance), they'll have a chance to play, they'll look forward to that time and get into play more quickly. For younger children, set up clear places for kids to do messy play like art versus a construction zone for building things and a cozy quiet corner to read or dream. Older children might appreciate the chance to redecorate or rearrange their rooms to accommodate different activiteis.
2. Fill your child's cup first.
If your child resists independent play, make sure they're routinely getting enough of your attention to feel "full," and they've had a chance to work through any upsets or anxiety they feel so they can more easily settle into play.
- Every day, inlude 20 minutes of "Special Time" in your schedule, where you actively play with each child individually ~ and enjoy it!
- Use roughhousing to give your child a good session of laughter a couple of times a day, which lessens anxiety.
- Connect with your child emotionally and physically throughout the day, by being empathetic and responsive when they need you.
- While you're moving your child through the schedule (dressing, brushing teeth, having meals), try to be fully present and warmly engaged with your child, so that they experience you as emotionally responsive.
3. Get your child started on something.
Help children with a transition into free play. Set aside ten minutes to admire your child play as you watch them begin to engage. Turn off your phone, and make positive comments so your child knows you are really paying attention. Ask your child how to use a toy or to show you how they do something. Then gradually extract yourself.
4. Declutter and Rotate Toys.
When your child's space is too full of toys, they get overwhelmed, and they stop seeing the toys as opportunities. Humans, especially small humans, are primed to notice novelty. So regularly clear out some of the toys that your child hasn't been playing with. Put them in the attic or the back of your closet, and leave them for a few weeks. When you bring them out, a few at a time, your child will greet them with renewed interest.
5. Choose Toys that Facilitate Deep Play.
To facilitate play, keep screens to a minimum. Studies show that kids who watch TV are more prone to adopt "scripts" of what they've seen; kids who don't get much screen time engage in more flexible, creative play. Even structured toys predispose children to use them as prescribed, which limits creativity, so offer toys that can be used creatively in many ways. The classics are still the best: blocks, paints, clay, puppets, dolls, stuffed animals, vehicles. Teacher Katie Ness encourages parents to let kids "have at it with materials in the recycling bin" to see what they can create.
6. Strew.
Every day, pick a few toys, books or projects and "strew" them (neatly) around your child's play area. Your child doesn't want to be told what to do, but will experience these "found" objects as an invitation to play. For instance,
- Add some dried beans to a baking pan with a small dump truck and shovel.
- Put some old magazines, safe scissors, glue and paper on a cookie sheet.
- Leave a box of colorful scarves in the middle of the floor, with two of them knotted together.
- Prop up a book your child likes, with a stuffed animal ready to read it.
- Combine cookie cutters with clay on a cookie sheet.
- Group paper towel tubes, tape and marbles in a box.
- Gather a few art supplies (pipe cleaners, google eyes, corks, glue) on a cookie sheet.
- Set up a tea party with stuffed animals.
"I'm bored!" is a phrase currently echoed throughout the land during these trying times. Most parents can attest to the fact that boredom can lead to secondary issues, like sibling rivalry or whining, sassing, and tantrums, says Wendy Young of Kidlutions. While boredom, in and of itself has been shown to foster creativity in kids, and is not the enemy, it has been widely touted as such. The truth is, BOREDOM IS NOT THE ENEMY. The underlying issue is our children's emotions or their underdeveloped problem-solving skills. Boredom can help kids exercise their imagination muscle, but we might need to give them some support and guidance to get there.
The next time your child whines and says, "I'm bored," don't jump in with a long list of things they can do to occupy their time. Chances are, they will groan at your suggestions anyway. So, coach children by putting the ball back in their court and help them build some brainstorming and problem-solving skills. Try this new response:
Kid: "I'm bored."
Parent: "What do you plan to do about that?"
Our job is not to swoop in and fix every uncomfortable feeling our child has. It's to guide them to find solutions, in a loving and empathetic manner. Allow your child to take ownership of their own boredom and foster a sense of growth mindset. Challenge them to create lists of things that they can do when they feel bored. Creating their own lists help them stretch their imaginations and gives them more "buy in". In this week's Social Emotional lessons, students are asked to brainstorm in both silly and serious situations. Children are stuck in their reptilian brains when they can't think of how to solve a problem, or they think that only one solution will work (i.e. more screen time). We want to help them practice using their Wizard brains to solve the problems they will face in life.
Ann McKay Bryson of Aperture Education also encourages parents to recognize that the need for social distancing has filled our children's lives with genuine disappointment. From not being able to go to a friend's house to play ... to not being able to participate in high school graduation ceremonies, our children are experiencing justified loss and frustration. The strategy of EVEN IF can help ease some of that disappointment. Instead of focusing on all the negative, EVEN IF THEY CAN'T have their friends over for their birthday party, THEY CAN STILL have a virtual party. This sentence stem (Even if... I can still...) helps children develop a life-long mindset and the skill of brainstorming various alternatives (plan B, C, D).
For elementary students -- it may help to focus on what fun things they can still do with their friends. In addition to virtual sleepovers, they can also learn a new game to play with their friends.
For middle school students -- learning a new skill like cooking (EVEN IF I CAN'T go to my favorite Mexican restaurant, I CAN STILL learn to make tacos at home) can be fun and rewarding.
For high school students -- being able to contribute to the family and community can help them find meaning in their situation (EVEN IF I CAN'T go to my part-time job, I CAN STILL help by making home-made face masks).
For preschool students -- try to help youngsters focus on the fun things they can still do at home like learning new games to play, snuggling up and watching a show with family, or going on daily walks in the neighborhood. EVEN IF I CAN'T go to preschool, WE CAN STILL set up a pretend preschool classroom in my bedroom. EVEN IF WE CAN'T go see a movie, E CAN STILL make popcorn, grab a blanket and watch a movie as a family.
For Infants and Toddlers -- parents can use this strategy to develop their own optimistic thinking. EVEN IF I CAN'T take my baby to visit grandma, I can use the computer to schedule meetings using screen sharing.
Dr. Markham reminds us that the only way to get through disappointment is the way we get through any other kind of loss: We need to grieve. Our children may need for us to validate and honor their grief. She offers four time-honored ways of supporting ourselves as we collectively grieve. We can address grief by brainstorming in these areas:
- CONNECTION. We find meaning in what matters most -- connection to our deeper selves, to our loved ones, to nature and the divine, even to strangers.
- ACTIVITY. Learning new things, making art, growing a garden, cooking, cleaning, creating order in our lives. We find meaning when we engage in the ongoing activities of life, despite our loss.
- SERVICE. We begin to see our loss, no matter how great, in the larger context of life, including the lives and losses of others.
- GOING DEEPER. We can all access a deeper wisdom and compassion, if we bypass the mind and listen to the heart. There are so many ways to do this, with meditation, yoga, and mindfulness practices, including simply journaling and gratitude practices.
So how might your family use the skill of brainstorming to work through your losses and grief? Is there a way for your family to be of service at this time, even from the safety of your home? Is there a way to find new ways to connect with each other at a safe distance, or even virtually? What are ways to learn something new or create beauty? How could you use this time to learn how to better manage your thoughts and fears through mindfulness practices?
I hope this article sheds new light on addressing children's boredom, disappointment, and neediness. Children are signaling a whole range of social emotional needs and skills they are trying to develop~ skills we can intentionally nourish at this time. 💞
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