Kids who Misbehave are often craving Connection

"Every time you think of calling a kid 'attention-seeking', 

consider changing it to 'connection-seeking', 

and see how your perspective changes."  

~Dr. Jody Carrington

     On Weds, Oct 9th, parents will gather for the next Mountain Strong Families presentation to talk about Connecting Deeply with Our Children in order to Help them Learn.  One aspect of deep connection is being mindful about screen usage when we are with our children.  The bond our children develop to us (or fail to fully develop) is primarily created in face-to-face interactions when we are responding with empathy to their feelings and needs.  Unfortunately, we live in a culture of nonstop screen usage which can interfere with the ability of our children to bond and connect with us; to feel like we are really present with, and there for them.   

     Fewer children are entering Kindergarten with the ability to regulate their emotions.  These skills are developed in face-to-face interactions with caring adults.  If we want our children to have strong social-emotional skills, we may need to rethink our usage of screens when we are with them.  Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed. D. tackles this issue head on in Put Your Phone Away and Pay Attention to Your Kids. She reminds us of the valuable social-emotional lessons our children will miss if we are distracted by our screens.  

     As hard as it can be to limit our phone use, says Hartwell-Walker, below are five important reasons to do so:

1.  Providing positive attention when kids are doing positive things builds a strong value system and positive self-esteem. Responding with enthusiasm to their attempts to master new things ensures that the kids will keep trying.  The "look at me's" you hear on the playground and in your kitchen are your kids asking for your approval and encouragement.  When you do look, really look, and smile and wave, the kids will soak it up.  They try again.  They push themselves to the next level.

2.  Giving kids positive attention also puts a big deposit in their emotional bank.  When kids know that their folks think they have what it takes to handle life's problems, they develop confidence in their ability to take on life's challenges.  When parents put their phones down (or turn off the TV or shut down their computer) and talk to them seriously about what they are doing, their skills grow and their self-confidence blossoms.  Later, when those same kids hit the inevitable troubles in life, they will have what it takes to cope.

3.  Babies light up when bigger people make eye contact and talk directly to them.  They are taking in the rhythm and sounds of our voices.  They are learning the words for the things and people of their world.  They are learning how those words get strung together.  Television doesn't help children learn language.  It's too passive.  They need to experience the give and take that comes with interacting with another warm, caring human being.  Parking them in front of even the best children's TV is no substitute for the give and take that goes on between babies and their parents.  Many parents are amazed when their little one suddenly moves from saying one and two words at a time to a full sentence.  "Where did all that come from?" they ask.  It came from listening to adults who talked to them, not around them because they're on the phone.

4.  Conversation builds brain power.  Little kid's brains are sponges.  The more we talk to them, the more their brains absorb.  Even children who are far too young to carry on a real conversation are taking in far more than adults may realize.  Parents who talk to their kids with complicated sentences are setting them up for success in school and in life.  One and two word answers don't do it.  Commands don't do it.  A momentary break in your phone conversation to acknowledge them doesn't do it either.  Kids need to hear language used to describe and explain their world.  That's one of the many good reasons to read to children.  It's not just for the entertainment of the stories.  It's also an important way for them to hear and take in the richness of language.

5.  Our kids need our first priority to be our relationship with them, not our phones.  Children learn how to be with other people and how to love by being with people who love them, teach them, encourage and comfort them.  Contrary to conventional wisdom, quality time is not a substitute for regular moments of interest, talk, and participation in their lives.  Yes, quality time has a certain special quality.  We all remember big celebrations, vacations, or trips to the zoo.  But those days are special because they are rare.  For kids to grow, they need us to be curious about their experiences and to comment on what is going on around us in an ongoing way. (I love my phone as much as the next person.  I love that it helps me stay regularly connected with my extended family.  I find it reassuring that my kids can always reach me.  I stay in touch with far-flung friends, former students, and family members through Facebook and tweets.  I check the weather, glance at headlines and Google information.  There's no way I want to go back to the old days with a party line on the one phone in the house.)  But kids need us to remember that when we are with them, we need to put our phones away (and confiscate theirs).  Providing kids with direct attention and interested conversation is one of the most important responsibilities of parenting.  

     Research indicates that when we are deeply connected to our children, they are more likely to listen to our direction and guidance.  Karen Young explains this by using our understanding of neuroscience:  

     When our kids or teens feel close to us, they get a juicy dose of oxytocin created in their brains.  This calms the fight or flight response (often exhibited in challenging behavior) and lets the prefrontal cortex switch on.  Every time we are physically close to them, speak gently and warmly, hold or touch them, their brain will release oxytocin.  Oxytocin is the bonding hormone which is released when we feel close and connected to our important people.  The amygdala, which drives the fight or flight response, has receptors for oxytocin.  It's the part of the brain that will throw the body into fight or flight, but it's also wired to calm down when it feels safe.  The way it feels safe is through social connection.  When we gently move close to our children, let them know we see them, loan them our 'calm' , the amygdala will (eventually) calm down.  It will release its hold, switch off the fight or flight response, and make way for the prefrontal cortex (thinking and empathetic part of the brain) to switch back on.  If we want children to be open to learning, our connection with them will be vital in bringing them to a space in which this can happen.  

Learn more about simple techniques for connecting with your child on Oct 9th from 5:30 -7:30 pm at Nederland Elementary School.  RSVP to ann@teensinc.org