Kristen Race, from Mindful Life, helps walk parents through a step wise process for responding to big emotions in both youngsters and teens (see below). Her helpful online course, Foundations of Mindful Parenting, begins on April 9th. For more info, see https://mindfullifetoday.com/foundations-mindful-parenting-course/
Mindfulness Instructor, Patti Schrader will also host a local event about Mindful Parenting at the NED HUB on April 26th from 6 -8 pm. RSVP to patti@thisisreboot.com Patti leads Nederland Elementary students daily in a Moment to Pause (PAWS) as they practice refocusing and calming their minds and bodies at the beginning of each school day.
When your child --toddler, adolescent or teen -- is melting down, your maternal/paternal response is to fix the problem. But you'll be more successful if you first take a moment to help your child feel validated.
1. PAUSE AND BREATHE.
Before you even begin to address the meltdown, stop yourself and take a deep breath (or two, or three). In a heated moment, you are more likely to respond to your child's anger with your own anger, which only fuels a treacherous fire. When you pause and breathe, you tell your brain that everything is okay. If you have already introduced these breaths to your child, you can invite your child to take a breath too.
2. VALIDATE YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONS.
Example for young child --
"Your're feeling angry right now. You don't like that I won't give you a cookie before dinner. I know you really like cookies.
"I see that you're feeling sad. You don't want to go to bed because you're having fun. I know you love to play with your Legos."
"You look frustrated. You're having trouble riding your new bike. It's not easy."
Example for tweens and teens --
"That sound really disappointing..."
"That must be incredibly frustrating..."
"I bet that was upsetting..."
3. START YOUR SOLUTION WITH "AND" NOT "BUT."
When you follow your validation with "But..." your child will go right back to feeling invalidated. There is something about the word "but" that negates any good intentions of the preceding words. By substituting the word "and" (or simply eliminating the word "but"), you will change the way your solution is received.
Check out these before and afters:
Example for young child --
BEFORE: "You're feeling angry right now. You don't like that I won't give you a cookie before dinner. I know you really like cookies. But you can't have dessert before you eat your dinner."
AFTER: "You're feelings angry right now. You don't like that I won't give you a cookie before dinner. I know you really like cookies. And you can have that cookie as soon as you finish your dinner, okay?"
You might still get a tantrum after all this, but the more you approach your child's meltdowns in this way, the less likely your child will be to spiral out of control.
Example for tweens and teens --
BEFORE: "You're mad that I took your game privilege away. I know how much you enjoy playing games with your friends. It's not easy when you know they're all playing and you can't, right? But you didn't follow the rule I set about game time limits."
AFTER: "You're mad that I took your game privilege away. I know how much you enjoy playing games with your friends. It's not easy when you know they're all playing and you can't, right? And do you remember that we agreed on a time limit for games? And that if you go over, you lose your privilege? I have to keep my end of the deal on that. Thanks for understanding."
Again, your child may not walk away from this interaction in a wonderful mood, but you are establishing a strong foundation of connection that will only grow from here.
For more ideas about Taming the Tantrums and addressing anger, join Kelly Davis, Let's Connect counselor, and Ann Sherman, Parenting Matters Coordinator for TEENS, Inc, on Wednesday mornings at 9:15 am at Nederland Elementary School.
Mindfulness Instructor, Patti Schrader will also host a local event about Mindful Parenting at the NED HUB on April 26th from 6 -8 pm. RSVP to patti@thisisreboot.com Patti leads Nederland Elementary students daily in a Moment to Pause (PAWS) as they practice refocusing and calming their minds and bodies at the beginning of each school day.
MELTDOWN CHEAT SHEET TIPS FOR TODDLERS TO TEENS
(compliments of Kristen Race, www.mindfullifetoday.com)
When your child --toddler, adolescent or teen -- is melting down, your maternal/paternal response is to fix the problem. But you'll be more successful if you first take a moment to help your child feel validated.
1. PAUSE AND BREATHE.
Before you even begin to address the meltdown, stop yourself and take a deep breath (or two, or three). In a heated moment, you are more likely to respond to your child's anger with your own anger, which only fuels a treacherous fire. When you pause and breathe, you tell your brain that everything is okay. If you have already introduced these breaths to your child, you can invite your child to take a breath too.
2. VALIDATE YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONS.
Example for young child --
"Your're feeling angry right now. You don't like that I won't give you a cookie before dinner. I know you really like cookies.
"I see that you're feeling sad. You don't want to go to bed because you're having fun. I know you love to play with your Legos."
"You look frustrated. You're having trouble riding your new bike. It's not easy."
Example for tweens and teens --
"That sound really disappointing..."
"That must be incredibly frustrating..."
"I bet that was upsetting..."
3. START YOUR SOLUTION WITH "AND" NOT "BUT."
When you follow your validation with "But..." your child will go right back to feeling invalidated. There is something about the word "but" that negates any good intentions of the preceding words. By substituting the word "and" (or simply eliminating the word "but"), you will change the way your solution is received.
Check out these before and afters:
Example for young child --
BEFORE: "You're feeling angry right now. You don't like that I won't give you a cookie before dinner. I know you really like cookies. But you can't have dessert before you eat your dinner."
AFTER: "You're feelings angry right now. You don't like that I won't give you a cookie before dinner. I know you really like cookies. And you can have that cookie as soon as you finish your dinner, okay?"
You might still get a tantrum after all this, but the more you approach your child's meltdowns in this way, the less likely your child will be to spiral out of control.
Example for tweens and teens --
BEFORE: "You're mad that I took your game privilege away. I know how much you enjoy playing games with your friends. It's not easy when you know they're all playing and you can't, right? But you didn't follow the rule I set about game time limits."
AFTER: "You're mad that I took your game privilege away. I know how much you enjoy playing games with your friends. It's not easy when you know they're all playing and you can't, right? And do you remember that we agreed on a time limit for games? And that if you go over, you lose your privilege? I have to keep my end of the deal on that. Thanks for understanding."
Again, your child may not walk away from this interaction in a wonderful mood, but you are establishing a strong foundation of connection that will only grow from here.
For more ideas about Taming the Tantrums and addressing anger, join Kelly Davis, Let's Connect counselor, and Ann Sherman, Parenting Matters Coordinator for TEENS, Inc, on Wednesday mornings at 9:15 am at Nederland Elementary School.
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