Transitioning from School to a Meaningful Summer!

  "Often when you think you're at the end of something, 

you're at the beginning of something else."  

 ~   Fred Rogers

   

     It's that time of year -- a time for learning to say healthy goodbyes to friends and teachers, acknowledging a mixture of emotions, reflecting on what we learned individually and as a community, and preparing for a new schedule as summer unfolds. We know that transitions of all kinds can create more instability and agitation in children.  These are times when we adults need to pay particular attention to the social and emotional well-being of our kids.   As we help our kids bring meaningful closure to their school year, we can also transition them into a summer routine that feels grounding.   Here are a few suggestions from Rebecca Eanes of Positive-Parenting.org:

a. Whether your family's schedule is jammed packed this summer or purposefully slow and relaxed, the main ingredient to remember for a wonderful summer is connection. Being present and engaged with your children is going to fill their cup, and the joyful memories you make together will feel that much more special to them because they feel so very loved and connected to you. There are countless ways to connect, and it’s useful to know your child’s love language so that you can really speak directly to their hearts. Here are some ideas: Offer lots of hugs and cuddles. Make up a special secret handshake. Give lots of verbal affirmations. Write notes, cards, or letters to them. Read aloud. Play together. Send them mail. Commit to at least 30 minutes per day to give your child distraction-free attention and watch the relationship blossom.

b. Read great books together. Reading aloud provides key benefits that prepare children for reading and learning. The greatest amount of brain growth occurs between birth and age 5, but older kids benefit, too! My family loves piling in the car together (or on the couch) and listening to audiobooks. Even if you don’t take any trips this summer, your children can visit all sorts of places and live through many characters with books. Encourage your child to start a series and set aside reading time daily. It helps to create a special reading nook with pillows, blankets, and lights! There are tons of reading lists online to give you some ideas! Try readingrockets.org for lists divided by ages.

c. Pick one epic thing you’ve never done before. Have you ever camped out in the backyard? Have you gone to the zoo? Have you hiked all the trails in your area? Pick one thing that will make you child say, “Oh, that was the summer we…” This defining moment will make this summer stick out in their minds as one of the best ever. Need some ideas? Visit a nearby waterfall. Try out a trampoline park. Give ice skating a whirl. Host an incredible sleepover. Find a local carnival or festival. Search for free outdoor concerts. Watch a drive-in movie.   

    

d. Don’t throw away your routines. Sure, you can adjust for summer and be a little more lax, but if the routines just disappear completely, you may see more meltdowns out of your kids. Dr. Laura Markham of ahaparenting.com says that routines give children a sense of security and help them learn self-discipline. Setting up a good summer routine will help you and your child feel more structured and allows you have a little more control over the chaos of summer break. 

     Wishing you and your family a precious summer!

How to Be a Happier Mom

Just as students are learning to grow their social-emotional intelligence, we parents can often use some gentle encouragement to find our happiest selves in our role as mothers (or fathers). 

Happy You, Happy Family.com offers these helpful reminders for Mother's Day:   

Above all, remember that even the happiest moms have unhappy moments. When you’re feeling a little off or even if you’re teetering on the brink of losing your temper, try these science-backed tricks to get back on track.

Some days you might need one of these quick solutions, and other days you might need a handful to find your happy again.

Download: 7 Quick Fixes to Help You Be a Happier Mom

1. Label Your Feeling

Use a word or two to describe how you’re feeling, starting with “I’m feeling…” For example: “I’m feeling frustrated,” or “I’m feeling annoyed.”

Here’s why this works: When you’re stressed, your brain – or more specifically, the amygdala of your brain – becomes hyper-vigilant. Your brain interprets even the smallest of everyday annoyances as a threat against your survival. That’s the amygdala (uh-mig-duh-luh) at work. But labeling your emotions in just a few words tells the amygdala to settle down.

One important caveat: The phrasing “I’m feeling angry” is important compared to just “I’m angry.” The extra word “feeling” helps you separate the emotion you’re experiencing from your sense of self. It’s a lot easier to overcome anger when you label it as something you’re feeling instead of something you are. You are not the hot-headed Anger dude from the movie Inside Out. You’re just feeling angry feelings.

2. Do Three Rounds of 3-1-6

To catch your body from unleashing a full-fledged fight-or-flight response, do this:

1. Breathe in for three seconds. Count out “one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand” in your head to make sure you don’t rush it.
2. Hold the breath for one second.
3. Exhale for six seconds.
4. Repeat steps 1-3 three times.

As you exhale, you may notice that you feel calmer. This is because this breathing technique stops your body’s stress response and lowers your heart rate.

3. Say, “It’s Not About Me”

Let’s say you discovered your kid took money from your wallet and lied to you about it. Reframe the situation by saying, “It’s not about me. She must be having a bad day.”

To be clear, the point of this trick is not to excuse inappropriate behavior from your kid. The goal is to keep your temper in check so you can deal with the situation in a productive way.

Because when you react like a sleep-deprived drill sergeant, you risk introducing fear and stress into the situation. When fear and stress are involved, your child’s brain is flat-out incapable of learning anything from the situation. And my guess is that you’d rather your kid learn an important lesson than cower in fear.

4. Hug It Out

Remember this from number 1? When you experience a negative emotion, the amygdala of your brain comes to life like an over-reactive car alarm. Then your brain shuts down to logic and interprets every little thing as a threat.

To find happiness as a parent, you need your amygdala to chill out. One reliable way to do that is to hug a loved one. Because when you hug the right way, you get the happy chemicals oxytocin and serotonin flowing. Those are the chemicals that boost your mood and promote bonding. In particular, oxytocin reduces the reactivity of the amygdala.

But here’s the important part: You need to hold a hug for at least six seconds in order to get this benefit.

Photo by Caitlin Regan

5. Shake It Up

You’ve probably already heard that exercise boosts your endorphins, which is a chemical that helps you fight stress. Exercise also prompts your body to release a special protein called BDNF, which stands for Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor. This protein is like a reset switch for your brain, so you typically feel at ease and happier after exercising. And after an angry outburst, physical activity helps flush the adrenaline from your system.

You’re a busy parent, so I’m not suggesting you go for an hour-long run every time your mood dips. But I have found one way to increase my daily physical activity that’s actually fun for me and my kids.   A family dance party.

Research shows that music cuts your stress, for example by reducing levels of the stress hormone cortisol. What’s more, babies and toddlers get a big dose of happy when moving their bodies to a rhythmic beat. Next time you and/or your kids feel a case of the crankies coming on, fire up your favorite playlist and dance away the bad mojo.

6. Hack Your Sleep

If you’re not getting enough sleep, you’re missing out on a big win when it comes to how to be a happy mom.

Unless you happen to be part of the tiny, tiny percent of people who can thrive on less than seven hours of sleep a night, research has shown time and time again that lack of sleep will stand in the way of your daily happiness.

If you aren’t already napping as a way to catch up on sleep, you should be. But, but, but…, I can hear you thinking.

I’m too busy. I can’t fall asleep during the day. I have a day job. Whatever your excuse, forget about it for now. Just try a nap. If it doesn’t work out for you after you give it an honest chance, then so be it.

The optimal length of time for a nap depends on what effect you’re going for:

• For a quick boost in energy and focus, 25 minutes or less is best.
• If you nap somewhere between 30 minutes and 85 minutes, you’ll likely wake up pretty groggy.
• For a deeper sleep, set your alarm for 90 minutes because that’s a full sleep cycle.
• 7.  Challenge Yourself to 5 Good Acts

Science shows that in happy relationships, you need a ratio of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. If you’re feeling like your quest to be a happy mom is in danger, make sure to get five positive interactions on the books as fast as possible.

What counts as a positive interaction? This could be as simple as giving your child or your partner a hug, saying “I love you,” or telling a joke. Print my go-to list of 30 simple ways to hit the magic 5:1 ratio with your child.

When you’re in the thick of a mom funk, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right steps to take in order to get back to being a happy mom. Use this cheat sheet to help you in those tough moments. 

How Nature Makes Kids Calmer, Healthier, Smarter

Dr. Laura Markham reminds us about the power of nature to connect children to themselves.  Get outside!

"It's so peaceful out there and the air smells so good....It's like you're free when you go out there. It's your own time. Sometimes I go outside when I'm mad -- and then, just with the peacefulness, I'm better. I come back home happy, and my mom doesn't even know why."

“Something else was different when we were young: our parents were outdoors. I’m not saying they were joining health clubs and things of that sort, but they were out of the house, out on the porch, talking to neighbors. As far as physical fitness goes, today’s kids are the sorriest generation in the history of the United States. Their parents may be out jogging, but the kids just aren’t outside.” ― Richard Louv, Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder

Did you grow up as I did, building dams in the stream, climbing trees, and chasing fireflies as the evening darkened? If you did, you'll agree with me that all children deserve those experiences.

Nowadays, though, many of us don't have yards. Even if we do, when we try to send our kids outside, there's often no one to play with. And most parents worry that we have to stay outside with them to keep them safe -- but we have to make dinner! 

So most kids spend most of their time inside.  As a result, the average fifth grader, given a choice, prefers to stay inside, close to electrical sockets and all the entertainment sources they power.

But your grandmother was right: Kids need fresh air and exercise. We all do. Families who find ways to be outdoors together nurture not only their bodies, but their connection to all of life -- and to each other.  Kids who spend time outside in nature, research shows, are:

• Calmer - This is particularly important for ADHD kids because it lowers their need for medication, but fresh air soothes the senses of all children.
• Happier - Studies show sunshine, fresh air and physical activity all encourage good moods and reduce tendencies toward depression.
• Healthier - Many kids who don't get enough time outdoors are Vitamin D deficient, affecting health and mood. Indoor air is also usually less healthy. 
• Less likely to be overweight - Pediatricians recommend at least an hour of active physical play daily during childhood to protect against obesity and diabetes.
• Better vision - K ids who play outdoors more have better vision and less need for eyeglasses. Until recently, we thought that was simply because they stare at screens less. But it turns out that Vitamin D plays a role. And the latest research indicates that exposure to light is important for healthy eye function.*
• Better students - Research shows that kids who play outdoors actually have longer attention spans, more frustration tolerance, and do better in school. Kids even do better on tests if they are allowed to play first. It's not just that it gets their wiggles out. It's all that oxygen to the brain.
• More creative - Outdoor play is often less structured than what kids do indoors with technology, so kids exercise their imaginations as well as their bodies.

The answer to our nature deprived modern lives? Set your life up so your child can be outdoors. We know that usually kids won't be able to be outdoors without parents.  So parents need to get outside, too.

First, set up any outdoor space you have access to so that it's inviting, and spend time outside with your child. A sandbox, wading pool, swing, climbing structure or garden will keep your child entertained for hours. But if permanent structures aren't possible, think impermanent: A tablecloth teepee or a bucket of water with funnels and cups, or a shovel to dig a hole you can later refill.

Second, spend time as a family in nature -- hiking, playing tag, biking, simply walking together in a beautiful place. It allows your family to regroup and get back in sync. It makes wonderful memories. And it's a great workout for everyone.

This doesn't have to be a big production. If you're lucky enough to have your own yard, you have unlimited options, from kicking a ball around to camping out in a tent. But every city has public parks, and every family can find something to do outside that feels fun. Two important ground rules:

Turn off the cell phones. Yours. Theirs. REALLY. Enough said, I hope! The world will be waiting for you when you get back. This is quality time to focus on family. Soon enough, your child will want to be with friends, not with you. Enjoy this time to connect.

If you choose to engage in a sport, minimize the competition in favor of the fun. Make sure the rules are relaxed for little ones so everyone enjoys themselves.

If you're stuck for ideas, here are some suggestions:

1. Take a blanket, snacks and a ball or frisbee to the park.

Play kickball or soccer or catch. Blow bubbles. Play tag.

2. Go on a family bike ride.

This gets better and better as kids get older, but you can rent tandem bikes when they're young.

3. Go on a nature walk.

Collect rocks or leaves. Look for animal footprints. Watch bugs. But remember, soaking up the smells, sounds and sights is sufficient. You don't need to take your child out of her heart and into her head by giving her a science lecture. If she asks questions, by all means follow her natural curiosity, and help her look up answers when she gets home. But sometimes watching a butterfly is more transformative than reading about it.

4. Send kids on a scavenger hunt.

Keep it simple, like:

• something red
• something tiny
• something that moves
• something bigger than your hand
• something that bends
• something beautiful.

Make sure everyone wins!

5. Get wet.

Give kids water and they'll find ways to play with it. Invite the neighborhood kids over for a water party. Set up the sprinkler and cut up a watermelon.

6. Try a night walk.

Bring flashlights for fun and safety, but be sure to turn them off for listening to the nature sounds and star gazing.

7. Fires are magic. 

If you have a safe place for a campfire, don't miss the opportunity to sit outside telling stories of when you were a kid, or what your kids did when they were younger. Sing songs. Roast marshmallows, make s'mores. Don't forget to just relax in silence and watch the fire. (Do you have a little pyromaniac who wants to build the fire? This is the perfect opportunity to teach safety and let your child wield the matches.) 

These are the memories your children will treasure as they get older. And every child deserves the connection nature provides to the essence of life. You're feeding your child's soul as well as her body.

16 Miracle Phrases to Use During Parent-Child Conflicts

   

     Here are SIXTEEN MIRACLE PHRASES that help you reconnect with your child during and after conflict (idealistmom.com).
     So often, we want our children to stuff their feelings because it is difficult for us to process the intensity of them.  Or, we counter by yelling back.  But healthy development of emotional intelligence requires accepting uncomfortable emotions in ourselves and others -- even as we work to re-frame their expression and coach a child to stop and think about how to express what is going on inside of themselves.  These first eight phrases show that we are trying to understand the child's perspective and validate whatever they are feeling.   We are drawing out their feelings in concrete emotion words.  Asking a child to select feeling words helps connect their pre-frontal cortex with their reptilian emotional brain; thereby helping to soothe the intensity of their feelings and create self-awareness.  When we empathize with their experience, it creates a strong bond between us and our child.   When there is a strong bond, our child is more likely to listen to our requests.

8 Listen and Accept Phrases --

Tell me how you're feeling.
I want to understand how you're feeling.
I love you, even when you feel angry.
It's okay to feel mad.
How can I help?
I can see why you feel.....
It looks like you're having a hard time.  Tell me about it.
I can imagine you feel.....

  The next eight phrases help you move forward if the two of you are stuck during a conflict or if you need to repair the relationship as the conflict is ending.   When we use these restorative parenting techniques, we ensure that the relationship is healed and the specific issue is resolved.

8 Move Forward Phrases--

Can I give you a hug?
Let's take a deep breath together.
I'm sorry for..... Next time, I'll.......
Can we start over?
Will you forgive me?
Will you sit next to me?
Let's take a break and do something fun.
Let's go for a walk together.

     In order for our children to develop strong social and emotional intelligence, we can help them become aware of their feelings and needs during conflicts, express them clearly and kindly, describe the conflict objectively from a neutral vantage point, and work with us to find solutions that satisfy everyone.  When a healthy conflict resolution process is used, our children develop the skills to work through conflicts for the rest of their lives.

Coaching Siblings to Work Through Conflicts

       

     Cecilia Hilkey, from HappilyFamily.com, offers ideas for how to walk children through the resolution of their conflict.  In so doing, parents are teaching both problem-solving skills and the social skill of taking another person's perspective.
     Instead of intervening with an imposed solution or forcing children to immediately apologize, here are some steps to use -- along with restorative questions to ask (which may either produce genuine remorse or other offers to repair the relationship):
 
     EXAMPLE:   The kids are fighting over a toy or game.  Missy is playing with  a toy, and brother Max is next to her.  Missy leaves for a bit, and when she returns, Max is playing with the toy.  Missy screams at him and grabs the toy away from him.  Max hits her.  And Missy hits him back.  

1.  Help Both Kids Calm Down
Before you help kids reconnect it's important that they are both ready.  If kids are upset, it's too hard for them to consider the other person's perspective.  If kids are fighting over a toy, you can de-escalate the situation by placing your hands on the toy, so neither child can play with it.

SCRIPT:  Say, "I'm just going to keep my hands here until we can figure out how to solve this."

**Students at NES are learning a parallel conflict resolution process.  They have practiced various strategies for COOLING OFF and soothing their intense emotions.  Ask your child to show you their favorite calming strategies before you try to talk things out.

2.  Connect Before You Correct
Before you correct their behavior (the grabbing and hitting), you'll need to connect with both of the kids.  Giving empathy to both of them will help everyone feel connected and help them cool down more quickly.
SCRIPT:  You can say, "Max, you look mad.  You were playing with the toy and Missy took it away from you."  To Missy, you say, "You're mad too.  You were not done with the toy when Max started to play with it."

**Students at NES have practiced whole body listening skills.  When they are calm, they listen for the feelings being expressed and reasons for them.  When possible, encourage your child to summarize what their sibling has said by focusing on feelings and needs.

3.  Understand the Communication Beneath the Behavior
Max and Missy both hit each other to "say" something.  It's likely that both kids were overcome by upset and sadness, and they hit because they didn't know how to communicate to the other that they wanted the toy.  Because we know that all behavior is communication, then we can understand "why" each child acted the way he or she did.

SCRIPT:  To Max, "When you hit Missy, were you trying to tell her that you didn't want her to take the toy?"  To Missy, "When you hit Max were you trying to tell him that you didn't want to be hit and you were still playing with the truck?"

**Students at NES learn about the difference between their specific wants/desires and the underlying basic human needs we are all trying to satisfy.   Help your child talk about the needs they were trying to fulfill during conflict situations by using I-messages:   I felt ____ because I need/want_____.

4.  Help Kids Understand Each Other
Now that both kids are calm and connected, they can begin to understand the other child's perspective.  Finding common ground is helpful.  No one like to get hit.  No one likes it when someone else grabs their toys.

SCRIPT:  Say "Oh, that makes sense to me.  You both didn't want to get hit and you both wanted to play with the toy.  You ran out of words, so you hit."

**Students at NES practice stating the problem without blaming the other person.  An objective statement of the problem gives everyone something to begin solving.

5.  Find a Solution that Works for Everyone
Both kids can offer their solutions.  If they don't have any ideas, you can offer your own solutions.  Keep offering ideas until.... a)you find something that works for everyone OR b)you run out of ideas.

SCRIPT:  Say "What ideas do you have to solve this?"   If they don't have any ideas say, "Is it okay if Max gives the toy to Missy after he is done?"   "Or does it work for Missy to give the toy to Max after she is done?"  If they can't agree on a solution, say, "Sounds like we're stuck.  Come back to me when you've got a solution that you both like.  I'm going to hold onto the toy until then."

**Students at NES have practiced brainstorming.  Kindergartners through Second Graders have utilized a spinning wheel of solutions to help them consider several ideas.  See if your child brings home a conflict resolution circle to use at home.  For instance, classrooms utilize Rock-Paper-Scissors all the time to find a solution that feels fair to everyone.

6.  Smile
We know from Positive Psychology that even a forced smile helps calm and relax the body.  When you smile, you bring lightness and ease to the moment.  Smile because you are doing something that will help your kids build social skills.

7.  Restore the Relationship
While it isn't very helpful to force kids to apologize to each other for how they treated one another, we can talk about taking responsibility by encouraging  children to check in with each other to see if there is anything else needed to make things right between them.  This may not only be a chance for genuine apologies, but also to end the conversation on a positive note -- by thanking, affirming, or forgiving the other person for the tone of voice, unkind words, or physical harm used.

SCRIPT:  Say, "How can we make things right again between the two of you?   Do you have any ideas?"   OR, "Is there anything you would like to say to one another?"  You can also model this by saying something like "I'm impressed that you both put forth a lot of effort to work things out.  You are both such loving siblings!"

    If interested in more Positive Parenting ideas, sign up starting April 23rd to view the free online parenting conference from May 7 -14th.   Positive Parenting Conference 2019

(Stop, Think, Go!) Conflict Resolution Steps that Work

     NES students are learning the Steps for Collaborative Problem-Solving by using this     TRAFFIC LIGHT Model -- explained in excerpts from the following article by Jennifer Miller

  of confidentparentsconfidentkids.org   

      "He messed with my stuff while I was gone.  My Lego set is broken.  Mooooooom!" cries

  Zachery about his brother.  Sibling rivalry is a common family problem.  Mom could fix it.  

  "Go help your brother fix his Lego set." Or she could help her children learn valuable skills

   in problem-solving.  These opportunities for practicing critical life skills happen daily if 

   you look for them.  Collaborative problem-solving is not one skill alone but requires a 

   whole host of skills including self-control and stress management, self-awareness of 

   both thoughts and feelings, perspective-taking and empathy, listening and effectively 

   communicating, goal setting, anticipating consequences and evaluating actions.

     Roger Weissberg, one of the top leaders in the field of social and emotional learning 

  shared the Traffic Light model that he and his colleagues created.  Dr. Weissberg writes 

  that this promotes "consequential thinking."  Children begin to think through the 

  consequences of their actions prior to choosing how to act.  And that kind of thinking 

  promotes responsible decision-making.  this training was used to prevent high-risk 

  behaviors like drug and alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy and violence in the adolescent 

  years.  Imagine if your children were engaged in developing these skills prior to that

  time of high peer pressures.  They would be ready and prepared with well-rehearsed 

  tools when they are tempted by their friends and you are not there at that moment to 

  protect them.  

  The beauty of this Traffic Light model is in its simplicity....

  RED LIGHT:  Stop!  Calm down and think before you act.
     No problem-solving is going to occur, no feelings repaired until all involved have calmed 

     down.  So take the time you and your children need to calm down.  Breathe!   You can 

     use easy-to -use teaching methods to help kids practice deep breathing such as bubble 

     blowing, ocean wave or teddy bear breathing ("Understanding Anger" article by Jennifer 

    Miller)  Take a moment for some quiet time in your own spaces.   Then....

   Yellow Light:  Caution.  Feel.  Communicate.  Think.

   1) Say the Problem and how you feel. 

      Parents can model this by saying, "I am feeling frustrated that you and your brother

      are arguing.  How are you feeling?"   It helps to have a list of feelings at the ready so 

      that if your child struggles with coming up with a feeling, he can pick one off of a list 

      that best represents how he's feeling.  This practice alone will expand his feeling's 

      vocabulary and he'll be better equipped the next time to be in touch with and 

      communicate his situation.  Here is a FEELINGS VOCABULARY LIST to use:  

      Feelings Inventory from the Center for Nonviolent Communication

     2) Help your child listen to understand the feelings and needs of others in the 

         situation.  Teach your child to paraphrase the other's perspective or ask curious 

        questions until your child can empathize with the other person. 

    3) Now, set a positive goal. 

       Before moving to "Go," have your child think about what they want for themselves 

       and the others involved.  The goal may be as simple as, "I just want to get along 

       with my brother," or "I want to keep my toys safe."   Weissberg writes that setting a 

       positive goal for kids simply means "How do you want things to end up?"

    4) Think of lots of solutions.

        Before jumping to one solution, think of lots.  "I could hide my Legos where my 

        brother can't find them."   "We could agree to ask one another before playing with 

        the others' toys."   "We could promise to repair anything we break."  Involve all who 

        were a part of the problem to generate solutions.  Children who understand there 

        are many choices in a problem situation are less likely to feel trapped into making

        an unhealthy decision but can step back and examine the options.

     5) Think ahead to the consequences.

         Parents can ask, "What if you tried hiding your Legos from your brother?  What

         might happen?"   Think through the realistic consequences with your children of 

         their various solutions -- both long and short term.  "It may work tomorrow.  But 

         what happens when you forget in a few weeks and leave them out on your bedroom

         floor?  Then what?"  This is a critical step in helping children think through the 

         outcomes of their choices before making them -- important practice for later

         problems when the stakes are higher.

    GREEN LIGHT:  Go!  Try your best plan.
     Maybe your children have agreed to ask one another before they play with the other's 

     toy.  Try it out right away.  See how it works.  If it doesn't work, then talk about it 

     and make slight adjustments or decide on another plan altogether that might work

     better.

     Parents can use logical consequences in concert with this model.  For example, if 

     Zachary harmed his brother, then he can generate solutions to repair the relationship. 

     He may offer a sincere apology.  He may spend time fixing the broken Lego set.  He 

     may help find a place to keep the Lego set safe.  Children need parents' support 

     repairing the harm done.  They need to know that there are multiple options for not 

     only repairing a physical object but also, repairing hurt feelings.  So brainstorm 

     options together and help kids implement them.

    ** Students at NES are also learning to repair their relationships and address hurt 

       feelings with the Restorative Practices model championed by Althea Abruscato, 

       Restorative Practices Coordinator from TEENS, Inc.